(no subject)
Alright, so do any of you ever feel like you just piss everyone off? I sure as hell do. The inferiority complex is kicking in and I feel like just the fact that I exist is wasting the time of everyone who comes into contact with me. I hate it...and there isn't really anything to instigate this type of feeling...it just happens. I blame dopamine. I'm sitting here at the computer hoping that work calls and asks me to come in or something, just to get out of this contemplative state. I have no real attention span and my mind is allowed to drift by the listlessness that surrounds me. I have no motivation to get this scholarship crap done, even though I'm not allowed to go out until its done and I have plans for wed. when I'm no longer under house arrest. Mom won't let me sleep and the family is coming over around 4:30ish. Granted I'll get to leave by 5:30 for work, I just really don't want to be here. The only place in this house that really feels like home is my room...or when nobody else is here. I just want to drive around and take pictures and listen to music and do something real that doesn't require robot-like obediance to a redundant mundane extistence. But I'd have to do it without bothering other people...because I feel like I'm always bothering other people, even my friends. Erin especially, sometimes when I talk to her...if I'm working or not...I feel like I'm pissing her off by being there. I don't really have any reason to feel that way, she doesnt do anything that would incite that feeling. Actually she just talks to me about what I ask or about what she did the night before. I really hate vulnerability...of course it would help if I stopped waiting for the floor to drop out in all of my friendships. Sometimes I think I'm just waiting to get screwed over or for them to get sick of me...which I don't think would take very long. Sometimes I make good friends and then I get afraid of them...sort of. I don't open up much and when I do I'm almost positive it will bite me in the ass. What the hell is my problem....I can't accept that friendships can last and that people can stand me. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends more than just about anything. My really good friends I wouldn't give up for the world...but that doesn't mean that they won't give me up. That's what I expect...that's what I'm afraid of. It's been my experience that good things don't stay for long. I really need to stop thinking. Does anyone have some pot?