This is what I learned in school today.
During the days of the Royal Imperial Democratic Republic of Rome, which sprang forth from its capital, the Vatican City, there was a great deal of unrest in the Roman colony of Egypt. This unrest was due to a rebellion being led by Adolphus Hitler, a Roman-named native of Egypt, who rose to power in the Roman Legions during his successful blitzkrieg against the Aztecs. Unfortunately, Adolphus was killed during his rebellion by Alexander the Hamilton, later elected Czar of the Royal Imperial Democratic Republic. Adolphus’ followers were able to save and preserve his body using standard mummification methods, thus creating the force we have all come to know and despise…
Hitler-Ra.
Though mummified, Hitler-Ra was unable to rise from the dead without proper sacrifice. Before these sacrifices could be completed, Hitler-Ra’s followers were defeated by a combined effort of the Roman Musketeers and Voltron, Defender of the Universe. A few of his followers slipped Hitler-Ra’s body away to safety during the conflict, and thus Hitler-Ra quietly escaped into history until the 19th century.
Carried across the Atlantic by loyal followers, Hitler-Ra was interred in a secret pyramid hidden in the jungles of Cuba, where the Cult of Hitler-Ra began to gain popularity among the Cuban rum farmers seeking independence from King Ferdinand Richie Valens III of Spain. As more and more followers came to worship him, Hitler-Ra eventually rose from the dead (duh, mummy), and ordered his loyal worshippers to throw off the chains of Spanish decadence and become independent. To this end, they began construction on the Eiffel Tower, which for its time was a highly sophisticated laser weapon, though obsolete by today’s standards.
At the end of the 19th century, as this Spanish/Cuban conflict came to a head, Abraham Leonidus, a descendant of Alexander the Hamilton, was elected President of the United States of America. As resurrected mummies do, Hitler-Ra vowed to destroy a look-alike descendent of his old enemy, and declared war against the United States as well as Spain. Not to be outdone, King Ferdinand Richie Valens III also declared war against the U.S. And it, as they say, was on.
Hitler-Ra’s zombie marines were very effective against the Iberian Legionnaires that had been so successful in turning back the Mongol Hordes. However, they were useless against Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt’s 77th cavalry, nicknamed the “Robot Riders.” Teddy Roosevelt personally captured the Eiffel Tower moments before it was completed, and used it to assassinate King Ferdinand Richie Valens III from across the Atlantic, thus ending the Spanish involvement in the conflict. The United States considered sending advisors to Spain to assist in the construction of a new government, but instead decided the Spanish could go fuck themselves.
Hitler-Ra was still undead and kicking in his secret base, the Guantanamo Pyramid. Desperate after the loss of his Eiffel Tower weapon, Hitler-Ra used the last card up his sleeve, and attempted to turn the tide of the war against the United States by launching his secret pyramid into orbit, in order to gain space superiority. Teddy Roosevelt’s Robot Riders were prepared to besiege the space fortress with their mechanized Ford Battle Robots, but were concerned about having enough fuel to complete the mission and safely return home. Instead, they combined all of their fuel, and sent only one man into space to defeat the forces of Hitler-Ra in his space bunker.
As Teddy Roosevelt flew upwards out of Earth’s atmosphere, he sent a space-telegram ahead to American allies in a nearby galaxy. After all, this was a whole pyramid full of mummies, zombies, and probably at least one Somalian ninja. As one man, he might have been successful, but Teddy wasn’t taking any chances with the fate of the world at stake. So, imagine the surprise on Hitler-Ra’s mummified face when he saw none other than Voltron, Defender of the Universe, alongside Teddy Roosevelt, beating the shit out of his mummy cultists. Hitler-Ra was, of course, captured, tried for his crimes, and sentenced to spend his undead eternity on the island of Elba.
And that is the story of the Spanish-American War. Soon, I’ll tell you all about Papua Imperial Guinea’s invasion of Madagascar, and the 15th crusade, when President Richard the Lionheart sought to recapture the holy land of the Saharan Congo from the Mongol Empire.
Hitler-Ra.
Though mummified, Hitler-Ra was unable to rise from the dead without proper sacrifice. Before these sacrifices could be completed, Hitler-Ra’s followers were defeated by a combined effort of the Roman Musketeers and Voltron, Defender of the Universe. A few of his followers slipped Hitler-Ra’s body away to safety during the conflict, and thus Hitler-Ra quietly escaped into history until the 19th century.
Carried across the Atlantic by loyal followers, Hitler-Ra was interred in a secret pyramid hidden in the jungles of Cuba, where the Cult of Hitler-Ra began to gain popularity among the Cuban rum farmers seeking independence from King Ferdinand Richie Valens III of Spain. As more and more followers came to worship him, Hitler-Ra eventually rose from the dead (duh, mummy), and ordered his loyal worshippers to throw off the chains of Spanish decadence and become independent. To this end, they began construction on the Eiffel Tower, which for its time was a highly sophisticated laser weapon, though obsolete by today’s standards.
At the end of the 19th century, as this Spanish/Cuban conflict came to a head, Abraham Leonidus, a descendant of Alexander the Hamilton, was elected President of the United States of America. As resurrected mummies do, Hitler-Ra vowed to destroy a look-alike descendent of his old enemy, and declared war against the United States as well as Spain. Not to be outdone, King Ferdinand Richie Valens III also declared war against the U.S. And it, as they say, was on.
Hitler-Ra’s zombie marines were very effective against the Iberian Legionnaires that had been so successful in turning back the Mongol Hordes. However, they were useless against Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt’s 77th cavalry, nicknamed the “Robot Riders.” Teddy Roosevelt personally captured the Eiffel Tower moments before it was completed, and used it to assassinate King Ferdinand Richie Valens III from across the Atlantic, thus ending the Spanish involvement in the conflict. The United States considered sending advisors to Spain to assist in the construction of a new government, but instead decided the Spanish could go fuck themselves.
Hitler-Ra was still undead and kicking in his secret base, the Guantanamo Pyramid. Desperate after the loss of his Eiffel Tower weapon, Hitler-Ra used the last card up his sleeve, and attempted to turn the tide of the war against the United States by launching his secret pyramid into orbit, in order to gain space superiority. Teddy Roosevelt’s Robot Riders were prepared to besiege the space fortress with their mechanized Ford Battle Robots, but were concerned about having enough fuel to complete the mission and safely return home. Instead, they combined all of their fuel, and sent only one man into space to defeat the forces of Hitler-Ra in his space bunker.
As Teddy Roosevelt flew upwards out of Earth’s atmosphere, he sent a space-telegram ahead to American allies in a nearby galaxy. After all, this was a whole pyramid full of mummies, zombies, and probably at least one Somalian ninja. As one man, he might have been successful, but Teddy wasn’t taking any chances with the fate of the world at stake. So, imagine the surprise on Hitler-Ra’s mummified face when he saw none other than Voltron, Defender of the Universe, alongside Teddy Roosevelt, beating the shit out of his mummy cultists. Hitler-Ra was, of course, captured, tried for his crimes, and sentenced to spend his undead eternity on the island of Elba.
And that is the story of the Spanish-American War. Soon, I’ll tell you all about Papua Imperial Guinea’s invasion of Madagascar, and the 15th crusade, when President Richard the Lionheart sought to recapture the holy land of the Saharan Congo from the Mongol Empire.