TIME FOR ZOMBIES!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
*hysterical screaming abound*
.....
Thank for joining me tonight for Headline News.
Your guide to sensationlist bullshit.
Recently a major
company has released tv commercial advertisements stating that their
product, a seemingly innocent lotion, can 'rejuvenate/revitalize'
dead skin cells. Moviegoers worldwide will recognize and
fear this statement from the film adaption of the video game
"Resident Evil". In the film, major conglomerate,
the Umbrella Corporation, also released advertisement,
as seen in the early minutes of the movie, stating their
products can revive dead skin cells. The result?
Panic, screaming, running, and hordes and hordes of zombies. Yes, zombies.
The released product's core active ingredient, the T-Virus, causes
a mutation in human cells which die in a period of time and
are then 'reanimated', bringing the person, alledgedly,
'back to life'. But only as a moaning, mindless, flesh-eating, ambling
corpse. Of course, hysteria ensued. As well as wide-spread and
seemingly incurable bad acting, poor special effects, and cheesy
lines. Oh the horror. Could this be our fate? We think so.
Also, McDonald's new marketing catch-phrase, "Fruit Buzz".
New legislation passed finds that anyone caught uttering
these words with serious conviction will be beaten with
misc blunt objects, immediately apprehended, and brought
before a jury. There they will undergo sentencing as to
which brutal end they will meet. So far, mere hours
after it's unanimous passing in both the House and
the Senate, 48 people have already been sentenced
to various methods of execution. These include
community stoning, having a wall dropped on them,
the electric chair, being hanged from the gallows,
public decapitation, being fed to wild boars, and
walking the plank. Several of the condemned have,
in lieu of outright execution, been sentenced to become
GUINEA PIGS in various unnecessarily painful experiments
involving KY Jelly and sharp pointy objects. Officials
declined to give more details.
A certain individual, whose name is not disclosed at
this time, was hoping that one of the executions could
be by having rattlesnakes hurled at the condemned with
screams of "JESUS!". However USHA, the United Snake
Handlers of America, found this to be an inappropriate
use for these gentle creatures, to which officials
have agreed.
You can check for these public executions in your
local area by logging onto www.saynotofruitbuzz.com.
Activities will include karaoke, comments from the
condemned, dunk the Ronald McDonald Look-Alike, and ice cream
for the kiddies. Onlookers are invited to bring picnics
and blankets. Admission is set for $10 per adult, $5 per child.
And in entertainment, a contest entitled "Videogame Vixens",
television's first digital beauty pageant, is being held on G4
Videogame TV tonight at 10:30PM Eastern. Viewers are strongly
encouraged to support the rightful winner, BloodRayne. All
those who disagree or do not adhere to our request will
have men in black visit them in the middle of the night
to BREAK YOUR SHINS IN!
That's all in the news tonight. This is Headline
News. Don't sleep. They're after us.
*hysterical screaming abound*
.....
Thank for joining me tonight for Headline News.
Your guide to sensationlist bullshit.
Recently a major
company has released tv commercial advertisements stating that their
product, a seemingly innocent lotion, can 'rejuvenate/revitalize'
dead skin cells. Moviegoers worldwide will recognize and
fear this statement from the film adaption of the video game
"Resident Evil". In the film, major conglomerate,
the Umbrella Corporation, also released advertisement,
as seen in the early minutes of the movie, stating their
products can revive dead skin cells. The result?
Panic, screaming, running, and hordes and hordes of zombies. Yes, zombies.
The released product's core active ingredient, the T-Virus, causes
a mutation in human cells which die in a period of time and
are then 'reanimated', bringing the person, alledgedly,
'back to life'. But only as a moaning, mindless, flesh-eating, ambling
corpse. Of course, hysteria ensued. As well as wide-spread and
seemingly incurable bad acting, poor special effects, and cheesy
lines. Oh the horror. Could this be our fate? We think so.
Also, McDonald's new marketing catch-phrase, "Fruit Buzz".
New legislation passed finds that anyone caught uttering
these words with serious conviction will be beaten with
misc blunt objects, immediately apprehended, and brought
before a jury. There they will undergo sentencing as to
which brutal end they will meet. So far, mere hours
after it's unanimous passing in both the House and
the Senate, 48 people have already been sentenced
to various methods of execution. These include
community stoning, having a wall dropped on them,
the electric chair, being hanged from the gallows,
public decapitation, being fed to wild boars, and
walking the plank. Several of the condemned have,
in lieu of outright execution, been sentenced to become
GUINEA PIGS in various unnecessarily painful experiments
involving KY Jelly and sharp pointy objects. Officials
declined to give more details.
A certain individual, whose name is not disclosed at
this time, was hoping that one of the executions could
be by having rattlesnakes hurled at the condemned with
screams of "JESUS!". However USHA, the United Snake
Handlers of America, found this to be an inappropriate
use for these gentle creatures, to which officials
have agreed.
You can check for these public executions in your
local area by logging onto www.saynotofruitbuzz.com.
Activities will include karaoke, comments from the
condemned, dunk the Ronald McDonald Look-Alike, and ice cream
for the kiddies. Onlookers are invited to bring picnics
and blankets. Admission is set for $10 per adult, $5 per child.
And in entertainment, a contest entitled "Videogame Vixens",
television's first digital beauty pageant, is being held on G4
Videogame TV tonight at 10:30PM Eastern. Viewers are strongly
encouraged to support the rightful winner, BloodRayne. All
those who disagree or do not adhere to our request will
have men in black visit them in the middle of the night
to BREAK YOUR SHINS IN!
That's all in the news tonight. This is Headline
News. Don't sleep. They're after us.