How the Fuck Do I Do This?
Not that I could blame him, but soul-boy couldn’t think of anything but Buffy, I’d never been in love like that, never had a relationship that lasted more than two seconds, I was a killer, it was all I knew that and being a slayer
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Finally, some imagery that I could like on a night like this full of blood guts and despair. The image of Faith naked had been like overload, soothing, but too much...too bloody much with my love for Buffy undying, even in her death.
Seeeing the Immortal branded and tortured, making him scream, that would be a miniature panacea, but only a asmall bit. Faith doing the bloody probong would be even sweeter then actually administering it...
Okay, no...it really wouldn't be, but it would be close.
“It’s settled then, back to the Hyperion, grab some grub and call Red, see if she’s with the scrying, that would be the quickest way to find …”
"A pity that we don't know her name. Had a name for her and Red could find her in minutes with the accomadations of the internet."
We left, through the sewers.
"Yeah, unless bloomingdales has a bloody sewer entrance, then I'm thinking that you'll need to five bloody finger some men's clothes too."
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I had brought it up and hearing Faith talk about it made me want to go to Rome now.
“It’s settled then, back to the Hyperion, grab some grub and call Red, see if she’s with the scrying, that would be the quickest way to find …”
I wanted to say her name, and I wated to say , or where she is. Willow helping could make this less painless, but if she couldn't, then what? Until the Immortal was dead, I wouldn't be able to thrive or even think without pain, without the knowledge that once again, I was too immersed in my own life to go and save her.
"Yeah, unless bloomingdales has a bloody sewer entrance, then I'm thinking that you'll need to five bloody finger some men's clothes too."
Faith was going to steal. I wanted to say that it's not the way to go, but I didn't. Right now, who cared about theft? We had killed hundreds or thoudsands of demons, just three of us and had cleansed the city, but it darkened my heart.
"Guys, how can you talk about clothes. We're not going to a fashion show. We have work to do. We don't know where this slayer is, or if she really exists, one-hundred percent and the Immortal will be expecting me...us...we need to be focused on what we need to do here."
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I stopped and turned and looked at him. Fashion show had he looked at what I was wearing? Had he even listened to me at all? Hello, can we say dreams, here?
“Focus? Can you fuckin’ focus?” My words were low and menacing, with a pissed off edge to them. “Look at me, it’s all I can do to walk in these linebacker clothes.” What did he think was in a stadium locker anyway? And had he even really paid attention to what I had on? “Look at me Angel, really look at me and listen to what the fuck I’m sayin’.” I wanted to hit him, I really did.
Taking my hand under the triple X shirt, okay it wasn’t quite that large, but it swallowed me whole, I pulled on the cord that held up the jeans, with no hand there to hold them up they fell around my ankles.
“Do you think I can slay anythin’ in these?” Scooting like a Japanese woman in a kimono, I was next to Spike, “Look at him, what good are those rags doin’ him, he might as well be naked. I get that you are hurtin’, but get this mister, we all are. But I can’t help anyone like this, and if you want to die, then go stand out in the sun, or I know, better yet, I’ll hold up a stake and you can walk into it and then hey I’ll have killed the only person who ever believed in me! But if you do then your not the man I thought you were, or the one B’ fell in love with, get over yourself so you can do some damage!”
I was so angry with him, I didn’t think the effect my words my have on Spike, once they fell on my ears, all I could hope was he knew that he realized they weren’t meant to hurt him, but to used to give Angel a wake up call, after all Buffy had fallen for Angel back when she and Spike were mortal enemies.
Pulling up my pants with my left hand, I walked over to Angel, and in my fury, I poked him on the shoulder with my index finger of my right, never so frustrated with anyone in my life.
“I’m going to do what B’ would want, and to do that, I gotta take care of myself and reality check, sooner or later you gotta too.”
I just kept walking past Angel, awkwardly pulling my make shift belt through the belt loops again, the jean bottoms dragging the ground picking up the sewer water as I walked furiously forward.
“If you can’t,” I almost said ‘be human,’ but I didn’t my intent wasn’t to hurt Angel either, now he was giving me shit, and I wasn’t going to take shit from him or anyone, “if you can’t focus on things and listen, hell I had to tell you twice I was callin’ Red, to find out about this girl, this new slayer. If you can’t be in the now, then you are going to get us all killed. You may be my last living friend on earth,” and then I thought about Spike, “Okay one of my remaining two friends, if you can’t just understand someone else for once in your five million centuries of life, and not be Mr. Broody boy for five minutes, and think that I might be upset, or hungry or tired, well then you know what? Fuck you mister whatever your last name is.”
“I can kill the Immortal myself,” I muttered under my breath, trying not to trip as the water seeping up the pants leg, slowly making them wetter made it even harder to walk, but that didn’t stop me, I pushed forward trying to get as much distance between Angel and me. At least my shoes fit.
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Was Angel really this stiff? Bloody wasn't any way that we could get to the Immortal right now. What were we supposed to do? Were we all supposed to break down and cry until we passed out because all of us grieved over Buffy, and all of us grieved over Buffy in different ways.
“Focus? Can you fuckin’ focus?”
"Can you bloody focus less, Angel?"
He looked at me as Faith hissed almost baritone.
“Look at him, what good are those rags doin’ him, he might as well be naked. I get that you are hurtin’, but get this mister, we all are. But I can’t help anyone like this, and if you want to die, then go stand out in the sun, or I know, better yet, I’ll hold up a stake and you can walk into it and then hey I’ll have killed the only person who ever believed in me! But if you do then your not the man I thought you were, or the one B’ fell in love with, get over yourself so you can do some damage!”
For a moment, I thought she and Angel would get with the violence, but I would have intervened there. Wasn't anything that could come from that. Became obvious to me soon, though, that she believed in Angel more then anyone else. Didn't know all of the facts there, but had a good handle on them.
if you can’t focus on things and listen, hell I had to tell you twice I was callin’ Red, to find out about this girl, this new slayer. If you can’t be in the now, then you are going to get us all killed. You may be my last living friend on earth.”
Faith I had never knitted each other booties, but thought that we had a recent understanding, especially tonight, so I had to clear my throat.
“Okay one of my remaining two friends, if you can’t just understand someone else for once in your five million centuries of life, and not be Mr. Broody boy for five minutes, and think that I might be upset, or hungry or tired, well then you know what? Fuck you mister whatever your last name is.”
Not the best time to watch Angel be tortured, because usually I couldn't get enough of that impulse. Saw the same things he did, except that I wasn't so bloody fatalist about it and had to smile at rogue slaya putting him in his place.
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I was stunned. At the same time, I believed that I was right, but my own emotions were different then were Faith's or Spike's, the latter, definitely.
It wasn't going to come to this. I wasn't going to trade jabs with her, or even with Spike. It was true, we were all that we had left.
“I can kill the Immortal myself.”
Spike not speaking out about her killing the Immortal made me want to punch him more then Faith. He was never a silent partner in any matter, and yet, he was acting as though he was with Faith completely here, waiting for me to take the bait.
I let her walk ahead of me and thought about this potentially being for the best.
I was still convinced that we should split up. If this other slayer was alive, then getting to her was important, and The Immortal's name was an unbelievable lie because his death was soon at hand, and I couldn't allow myself to grieve until he was eliminated with all if the pain that I was feeling.
We made it to the Hyperion's entrance, but Faith and Spike didn't know it.
"If you want to get cleaned up, then the hotel is right above us."
I pushed the cover off and pulled myself up and ended up in a very familiar room. I thought about Connor wanting to kill me here, and about being in a cage and it heightened the despair that I was feeling, it made me think of the others not with me anymore.
Faith and Spike were alive. I had to be relieved with that, and knew it, but it was hard to feel anything but pain and guilt.
They pulled themselves up. Apologizing for being pushy was something that I didn't want to do. I didn't feel like I was wrong, but at the same time, I had to respect their views. Like me, they had just spent the whole night fighting for their lives, and like me, they were tired and tattered.
I wanted to kill the Immortal so bad that it was blinding me, but it still wasn't going to bring Buffy back.
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“Phone works,” I called out, not to anyone particularly. Wasn’t sure why, hell planes were flying in and out of private airports, maybe LAX, that I’d have to find out. Had to wait awhile and I hated waiting, got through to Red, told what I needed, she felt she could get the information, and would call back in a few hours.
Rummaging around, I found some scissors, and cut the jeans off above the knees making them more like shorts, which made it easier to walk. Went to Angel’s weapons stash, and found a rather nice knife, sticking it in the belt loop, and then I was off, and the sun was up again. Few demons were out, wasn’t sure why, and I didn’t really give a damn, just made my errands easier.
First thing I did, found some grub, and ate. It had been too long since I’d eaten, so I was careful not to eat too much, had to keep my edge. Occurred to me that neither Angel nor Spike and eaten, and even if he didn’t want to, I was gonna take care of Angel, until he came to his senses, and that might not be until hell froze over, but at least he was listening, for now.
Next, I got some clothes. Angel knew me to well, I did pick up things that not only fitted my body better, but well … yeah, we all know what I’d pick. Did my best on sizes for Spike, and got a few things for Angel. Figured Angel still had something at the hotel, but I wasn’t sure Spike did.
Last stop, a butcher shop to get some blood.
“Honey, I’m home,” I yelled teasingly as I came in through the front doors, not sure exactly which man I was talking too, or maybe it was both of them. The hotel was quiet, didn’t figure they were sleeping, probably just taking some alone time.
“Did Red call back?” I called again waiting. We’d go after the girl, find her, and then get a fix on the Immortal, that is if she were up for it, if not, we might have to stash her somewhere until after the carnage, Angel was a ticking time-bomb as far as the Immortal was concerned, and when he went off, Spike and I needed to be there, we were all that was left, and as much as none of us wanted to admit it, we needed each other.
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This time, I wasn't on that side. This was one of those rare ten percent of the time when I understood his rage. He blamed himself for Buffy and that's what drove him to the rage. I didn't blame myself, I just felt the loss.
She dialed Willow and we found that Willow would look into it. Remembered how that coven of witches in England could find the locations of the potentials. Maybe they could find an actual slaya this time around?
One way or the other, they'd bloody well prove definitively whether or not rogue slaya's visions about a new slayer were acurate. Buffy had died, so it stood to reason that another would be called, and just thinking that made me put my head down.
Then, Faith left and I was left alone with Angel. Left alone with Angel, it was hard not to think about Buffy more, especially with Captain Forehead brooding and at the same time, stewing about her being gone.
Wanted a sodding drink and low and behold, found a bottle of Tanqueray. Not my first choice. Would have preferred a nice aged scotch, or a Jim Beam, but it would do.
Sat back down across from Angel, his hand on hi shead, his eyes staring up, and took a long, warming swig.
"You know, Angel, all of the brroding in the world isn't going to bloody bring her back. Gotta look at it this way. She was already in heaven once and now she's back and I was there when she came back the first time...she was happy there. She's happy there again."
Hardly eased my pain, either. Her face kept flashing in my mind, and took another sip. That was followed by another and a tear or two followed by a lot of them, fell from my eyes.
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Faith had made a call to Willow and we were in a holding pattern.
Spike then got up, and I hoped that he stayed out of the room, because sharing uncomfortbale silence with him was impossible and it was impossible for him to keep the trap shut for more then eleven consecutive seconds. He came back with a bottle of Cordy's Tanqueray. Just another reason to feel down, and as he took a swig, predictable, out came the words.
"You know, Angel, all of the brooding in the world isn't going to bloody bring her back. Gotta look at it this way. She was already in heaven once and now she's back and I was there when she came back the first time...she was happy there. She's happy there again."
That was comforting, even though it bothered me that he had spent so much time with her and I didn't have the opportunity to.
A few minutes later, Faith came back with all sorts of goodies, which normally, might have made me feel okay, but for now, didn't hit the right spots.
“Honey, I’m home.”
She tossed me a carafe of what I assumed was blood and did the same for Spike. He actually put the gin down for it.
“Did Red call back?”
I took a sip, but didn't down it like I wanted to. I then shook my head and looked at Faith with consoling eyes. She tossed a bag at Spike and he immediately looked through it, but when she did for me, I didn't immediately open it.
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Nodding, at his question, my hand went into a bag of chips, then the salty flavour hit my mouth as I spoke, “Yeah, Red finally called back, took her a while to scry for the girl, she’s in the small town in Georgia.”
Scrambling around in my pocket, I pulled out the paper I’d scribbled on, “There are all the details, gotta get to Atlanta, take a car from there.”
Pulling out a can of coke, popping the top, the sound echoed in the room, “So are you guys in or out?”
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