SPN Fanfic: Always Ready to Travel (Conversation)
Title: Always Ready to Travel
Characters: Sam, Dean
Rating: GEN, PG.
Word Count: 870 words
Warnings: Crack. Conversation. Crossover. Utter nonsense.
**CAUTION: Comments contain spoilers for Season 3 Finale. Fic itself contains no spoilers for anything.**
Disclaimer: I disavow all ownership of anything appearing in this conversation.
Summary: ...I have no explanation for this. It's crack. And a kind of crossover. *shrug*
A/N: One thing a fever is useful for, is writing really bizarre crack. Mainly though, *ahem* HAPPY BIRTHDAY, kriptkeeper! I have no idea if you've even read any Terry Pratchett, but I figured crack would be okay. ;-)
Conversations
by CaffieneKitty
Always Ready to Travel
-
Timeframe:
Well, it would be sometime during Season 1, except it never, ever, ever happened.
-
"Hey, Dean?"
"Can't a man finish one beer in peace, Sam? One?"
"You were already on number three before I even left the bar De- never mind. Where are the guns?"
"In the trunk, where they always are."
"That's what I thought, I was gonna bring the bag into the room but I'm looking in the trunk right now and I'm not seeing any guns..."
"What?"
"No salt, lighter fuel, knives, charms, dreamcatcher, pointy sticks... nothing."
"Aw man! No way! If someone busted into my car I'm gonna kill the sonofabitch!"
"I don't think anyone broke in, Dean. The usual stuff isn't here but there's uh... other stuff instead."
"Whaddaya mean, other stuff?"
"There's... clothes, and some, uh, underwear that smells like flowers, and a couple bottles of... looks like wine, maybe?"
"... I don't suppose there's any chance you got the wrong car?"
"Big black gas-hog with a secret compartment instead of a spare tire, parked in front of our hotel room? The same one I drove to the hotel room from the bar you're sitting in? Naw, I'm pretty sure it's the right car."
"What the hell then.... did we annoy some brownies?"
"Not that I can recall, but hey there's brownies in here too. The edible kind."
"Sam, don't eat 'em."
"Yeah, no problem."
"Check it out with the EMF?"
"EMF's not here either."
"Aw hell! Okay, look, stay right there, I'm coming back, I'll be about fifteen minutes on foot. Watch the car, see if there's anything lurking around to see how their little joke is playing out."
"Whoa."
"Whoa what? What's wrong?"
"Uh. There's a bag here full of... uh... gold coins."
"Gold coins? Like those Canadian loonie things?"
"I don't think so. Looks like real gold."
"Faerie gold maybe. Don't touch that either."
"Kinda too late, Dean."
"Crap. You're too damn curious for your own good, you know that, Sam?"
"I think these might actually be gold. They're kind of rough-looking, like they were made using an older minting process, maybe ancient Roman or... Trying to make out the writing here..."
"Don't read it out loud-"
"-First Bank of Ankh-Morpork."
"Where the hell's Ankh-Morpork? What the hell's Ankh-Morpork and what's it doing in the trunk of my car!?"
"Don't know, but uh, if this is actually gold, there's about ten pounds of it here."
"Probably not gold then. God, this is stupid. Look just- just stop pawing around the weird crap, close the trunk and I'll be there as fast as I can. I need to see what the hell's wrong with my car."
"Alright, I- Holy crap!"
"What?"
"The... Uh..."
"What? What's wrong now!?"
"Uh... Dean? Since when has the car had feet?"
"...Feet."
"Heh. Um. Yeah. Hundreds and hundreds of little feet."
"...You ate the brownies didn't you?"
"I didn't touch the brownies, I only had one beer and the Impala has feet, Dean!"
"Okay, okay, calm down."
"I'm calm!"
"No, you're not. You're hallucinating."
"I'm not hallucinating! The car has feet! Ow! Dammit!"
"What?"
"Your car kicked me!"
"Oh, so it's my car when it's kicking you, but when you want to drive-"
"Dean! The car has feet. It kicked me."
"That's impossible, Sammy, just take a deep breath-"
"We deal with impossible things every day, Dean."
"I know, I know. Just take a deep breath, find a weapon and see if it's something underneath the car that has all the feet."
"Alright. Okay. Good point. Uh... ha! Okay, got a stick."
"Good. A stick. Great."
"Well, the guns have kind of disappeared, so I don't have many opt- Whoa."
"What happened?"
"I poked the legs and... the car kind of... rotated."
"Rotated."
"Did a one-eighty. Turned right around. While parked."
"...That sounds pretty awesome actually."
"It's not awesome, Dean! It's absolutely wrong! You didn't see all the feet, stamping and undulating like, like- Hey!"
"What?"
"Some guy in a red bathrobe just appeared."
"Crap. One of the people staying at the hotel?"
"No, appeared, like 'puff of smoke' appeared."
"...What?"
"Hee- he's uh... wearing a pointy hat with the word 'WIZZARD' on it. Hey! You!"
"Wizard?"
"With two 'Z's'. In sparkles. Hey! You in the pointy hat!"
"What the hell, Sam? ...Sam? .....Sammy?!"
"Uh... It's okay now, Dean..."
"What's okay?"
"Everything. The guy in the bathrobe and pointy hat said something about getting the Impala mixed up with his, uh... luggage and he... I don't know. There was this sort of greenish yellowish purplish flash and it's, uh... It's all back to normal now."
"It's all... Dude, you suck."
"What?"
"This has been the stupidest prank call ever, Sam. I'm going back to the bar."
"It wasn't a prank, Dean! The car- it had- there was... I'm gonna have bruises on my shins where it kicked me!!"
"Sammy..."
"I swear, Dean! I wasn't hallucinating!"
"...The car has wheels now?"
"Um. Yeah."
"The stuff that's supposed to be in the trunk is in the trunk?"
"Hang on, I'll check.... Yeah."
"Okay. I'll be right there, Sam. Hang tight. Lock up the car, get in the room and lock the door. We'll get some coffee or something into you, get your head on straight."
"It wasn't a hallucinat-"
"It's alright Sammy, it's alright. I believe you. The car had feet and the trunk was full of gold from Mu Shu Pork."
"Ankh-Morpork!"
"Whatever. Look, it's been a long day. Let's call it a night and get some shut-eye."
"It kicked me in the shins!"
"I'll put a band-aid on that too."
"Bu-"
"Get in the room, lock the door, I'll be there in a couple minutes. I'll do a quick check, make sure the car has wheels and tell it not kick you again, okay?"
"...Okay."
"Unless you're being a jerk. Then it can kick you all it wants."
"Dean!"
- - -
(that is it. that is all. there ain't no more.)
Post A/N: For those who don't read Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels and as a result might be completely confused, there is a description of "The Luggage" on Wikipedia.
Conversations Index
Characters: Sam, Dean
Rating: GEN, PG.
Word Count: 870 words
Warnings: Crack. Conversation. Crossover. Utter nonsense.
**CAUTION: Comments contain spoilers for Season 3 Finale. Fic itself contains no spoilers for anything.**
Disclaimer: I disavow all ownership of anything appearing in this conversation.
Summary: ...I have no explanation for this. It's crack. And a kind of crossover. *shrug*
A/N: One thing a fever is useful for, is writing really bizarre crack. Mainly though, *ahem* HAPPY BIRTHDAY, kriptkeeper! I have no idea if you've even read any Terry Pratchett, but I figured crack would be okay. ;-)
Conversations
by CaffieneKitty
Always Ready to Travel
-
Timeframe:
Well, it would be sometime during Season 1, except it never, ever, ever happened.
-
"Hey, Dean?"
"Can't a man finish one beer in peace, Sam? One?"
"You were already on number three before I even left the bar De- never mind. Where are the guns?"
"In the trunk, where they always are."
"That's what I thought, I was gonna bring the bag into the room but I'm looking in the trunk right now and I'm not seeing any guns..."
"What?"
"No salt, lighter fuel, knives, charms, dreamcatcher, pointy sticks... nothing."
"Aw man! No way! If someone busted into my car I'm gonna kill the sonofabitch!"
"I don't think anyone broke in, Dean. The usual stuff isn't here but there's uh... other stuff instead."
"Whaddaya mean, other stuff?"
"There's... clothes, and some, uh, underwear that smells like flowers, and a couple bottles of... looks like wine, maybe?"
"... I don't suppose there's any chance you got the wrong car?"
"Big black gas-hog with a secret compartment instead of a spare tire, parked in front of our hotel room? The same one I drove to the hotel room from the bar you're sitting in? Naw, I'm pretty sure it's the right car."
"What the hell then.... did we annoy some brownies?"
"Not that I can recall, but hey there's brownies in here too. The edible kind."
"Sam, don't eat 'em."
"Yeah, no problem."
"Check it out with the EMF?"
"EMF's not here either."
"Aw hell! Okay, look, stay right there, I'm coming back, I'll be about fifteen minutes on foot. Watch the car, see if there's anything lurking around to see how their little joke is playing out."
"Whoa."
"Whoa what? What's wrong?"
"Uh. There's a bag here full of... uh... gold coins."
"Gold coins? Like those Canadian loonie things?"
"I don't think so. Looks like real gold."
"Faerie gold maybe. Don't touch that either."
"Kinda too late, Dean."
"Crap. You're too damn curious for your own good, you know that, Sam?"
"I think these might actually be gold. They're kind of rough-looking, like they were made using an older minting process, maybe ancient Roman or... Trying to make out the writing here..."
"Don't read it out loud-"
"-First Bank of Ankh-Morpork."
"Where the hell's Ankh-Morpork? What the hell's Ankh-Morpork and what's it doing in the trunk of my car!?"
"Don't know, but uh, if this is actually gold, there's about ten pounds of it here."
"Probably not gold then. God, this is stupid. Look just- just stop pawing around the weird crap, close the trunk and I'll be there as fast as I can. I need to see what the hell's wrong with my car."
"Alright, I- Holy crap!"
"What?"
"The... Uh..."
"What? What's wrong now!?"
"Uh... Dean? Since when has the car had feet?"
"...Feet."
"Heh. Um. Yeah. Hundreds and hundreds of little feet."
"...You ate the brownies didn't you?"
"I didn't touch the brownies, I only had one beer and the Impala has feet, Dean!"
"Okay, okay, calm down."
"I'm calm!"
"No, you're not. You're hallucinating."
"I'm not hallucinating! The car has feet! Ow! Dammit!"
"What?"
"Your car kicked me!"
"Oh, so it's my car when it's kicking you, but when you want to drive-"
"Dean! The car has feet. It kicked me."
"That's impossible, Sammy, just take a deep breath-"
"We deal with impossible things every day, Dean."
"I know, I know. Just take a deep breath, find a weapon and see if it's something underneath the car that has all the feet."
"Alright. Okay. Good point. Uh... ha! Okay, got a stick."
"Good. A stick. Great."
"Well, the guns have kind of disappeared, so I don't have many opt- Whoa."
"What happened?"
"I poked the legs and... the car kind of... rotated."
"Rotated."
"Did a one-eighty. Turned right around. While parked."
"...That sounds pretty awesome actually."
"It's not awesome, Dean! It's absolutely wrong! You didn't see all the feet, stamping and undulating like, like- Hey!"
"What?"
"Some guy in a red bathrobe just appeared."
"Crap. One of the people staying at the hotel?"
"No, appeared, like 'puff of smoke' appeared."
"...What?"
"Hee- he's uh... wearing a pointy hat with the word 'WIZZARD' on it. Hey! You!"
"Wizard?"
"With two 'Z's'. In sparkles. Hey! You in the pointy hat!"
"What the hell, Sam? ...Sam? .....Sammy?!"
"Uh... It's okay now, Dean..."
"What's okay?"
"Everything. The guy in the bathrobe and pointy hat said something about getting the Impala mixed up with his, uh... luggage and he... I don't know. There was this sort of greenish yellowish purplish flash and it's, uh... It's all back to normal now."
"It's all... Dude, you suck."
"What?"
"This has been the stupidest prank call ever, Sam. I'm going back to the bar."
"It wasn't a prank, Dean! The car- it had- there was... I'm gonna have bruises on my shins where it kicked me!!"
"Sammy..."
"I swear, Dean! I wasn't hallucinating!"
"...The car has wheels now?"
"Um. Yeah."
"The stuff that's supposed to be in the trunk is in the trunk?"
"Hang on, I'll check.... Yeah."
"Okay. I'll be right there, Sam. Hang tight. Lock up the car, get in the room and lock the door. We'll get some coffee or something into you, get your head on straight."
"It wasn't a hallucinat-"
"It's alright Sammy, it's alright. I believe you. The car had feet and the trunk was full of gold from Mu Shu Pork."
"Ankh-Morpork!"
"Whatever. Look, it's been a long day. Let's call it a night and get some shut-eye."
"It kicked me in the shins!"
"I'll put a band-aid on that too."
"Bu-"
"Get in the room, lock the door, I'll be there in a couple minutes. I'll do a quick check, make sure the car has wheels and tell it not kick you again, okay?"
"...Okay."
"Unless you're being a jerk. Then it can kick you all it wants."
"Dean!"
- - -
(that is it. that is all. there ain't no more.)
Post A/N: For those who don't read Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels and as a result might be completely confused, there is a description of "The Luggage" on Wikipedia.
Conversations Index