Cabin Pressure Fanfic: The Element of Surprise
Title: The Element of Surprise
Fandom: Cabin Pressure (Radio Plays)
Rating/Warnings: Gen, PG13 but contains one R-rated word right at the start, per the prompt. Radio Play script format (sort of). Formatting may go wonky in some layouts.
Word Count: 600-ish
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or the world of Cabin Pressure.
A/N: Starting point from this prompt on the Cabin Pressure Comment fic meme, but it detours as it progresses. May incur random editing and tweaking later. [LJ-only]
Summary: Any meal of Arthur's involving the word "surprise" should be avoided.
-
The Element of Surprise
by CaffieneKitty
-
ARTHUR:"SURPRISE, MUTHAFUCKERS!!"
DOUGLAS: "What the-!"
MARTIN:"Arthur! What in blazes?"
ARTHUR:"Sorry, Skip. It's just dinner, but I thought shouting something from that TV show we watched last night would make it more exciting."
DOUGLAS: "Firstly Arthur, any meal you serve us is by default exciting."
ARTHUR:"Thanks Douglas!"
DOUGLAS: "Not the good kind of exciting."
ARTHUR:"Oh."
DOUGLAS: "Secondly, no more HBO for you even if the hotel does offer it free, lest your mother decide to wash your mouth out with soap."
ARTHUR:"But she hasn't done that since I said that bad word that's mostly spelled like aunt but starts with a c."
DOUGLAS: "Yes."
ARTHUR:"Oh dear. Well, I won't say that thing I said earlier again then."
DOUGLAS: "An excellent idea. Now, dinner?"
ARTHUR:"Right! See I went down to the wharf this morning before we left and got some fresh seafood! I know you like sushi, Douglas, so I looked it up on the internet-"
MARTIN:"Oh god."
ARTHUR:"-and Tah dahhhh!"
MARTIN:"...is that.... no. I don't want to know."
DOUGLAS: "It looks... fascinating, Arthur."
ARTHUR:"Thank you!"
DOUGLAS: "Please, take us through your culinary process."
ARTHUR:"What?"
DOUGLAS: "Tell us what it is and what you did to it."
ARTHUR:"Oh. Well. Like I said, I looked it up online, so I knew what went into it. I had to get seaweed from off the beach. I did wash it but there might be some crunchy bits you need to pick out-"
MARTIN:"Oh, god."
ARTHUR:"And of course there's the seafood, and then there was rice which we had, but I could only get it to stick together with some leftover mayonnaise that I found in the back of the galley fridge-"
MARTIN:"Oh god."
ARTHUR:"And even then I couldn't get it to stay sushi shaped so I just sort of piled the rice and seaweed all up like that big pointy mountain in Japan. And then because sushi is raw, I just put the seafood on top! Tah dahh!"
MARTIN:"Douglaspleasetellmethatbitdidn'tjustmove."
DOUGLAS: "Ah. You say seafood, Arthur...."
ARTHUR:"Fresh as possible! They were just going out on the boats."
DOUGLAS: "Coming in off the boats surely?"
ARTHUR:"No, going out. They had all this fresh seafood they were taking with them onto the boats, which seemed really funny, because if they're going out to catch seafood, why take it with them?"
MARTIN:"That's a squid. A squid, Douglas. A tiny little squid. Ha ha. Climbing a rice and seaweed version of Mount Fuji. Ha ha ha. Oh god."
DOUGLAS: "I believe, Arthur, that the technical term for exceptionally fresh seafood fishermen take with them out to sea is 'live bait'."
ARTHUR:"Oh."
MARTIN:"Oh god. It's bait. Our dinner is bait."
DOUGLAS: "Just fly the plane, Martin."
MARTIN:"Douglas, it's waving at me!"
DOUGLAS: "Fly the plane, I'll deal with it. Come with me, Arthur, and bring that with you."
ARTHUR:"I messed up, didn't I?"
DOUGLAS: "Well, I think we're going to have to dispose of your attempt at sushi, though I actually do appreciate the gesture. However, I'm certain that aside from the cogent facts that dinner is composed of live bait and seaweed with bits of sand and flotsam in it, that mayonnaise has been in the fridge since the previous Captain left."
ARTHUR:"But it's been in the fridge! Everything lasts forever in the fridge!"
DOUGLAS: "No Arthur, it really doesn't. Let's put dinner out of its misery."
ARTHUR: "All right. I wanted to make something special though!"
DOUGLAS: "It is indeed special. Just not edible."
ARTHUR:"I can't seem to get the hang of that part of cooking. The edible part. I thought sushi would be easier because it's raw!"
DOUGLAS: "Not to worry, Arthur. It takes proper sushi chefs years of training to get the hang of it. For a complete beginner you... didn't kill anyone."
ARTHUR:"Hooray!"
DOUGLAS: "Now, after the last culinary incident, I laid by a stash of Garibaldis, Pot Noodles and Frazzles in the aft cabin bulkhead for the recurrence of such an occasion."
ARTHUR:"Ooo! I can do Pot Noodles!"
DOUGLAS: "Indeed, and that's why they are chief among the emergency supplies, because I have absolute faith in your ability to pour hot water into a cup."
ARTHUR:"Thank you, Douglas! I'm flattered!"
DOUGLAS: "You really shouldn't be, but you're welcome regardless."
- - -
(that's all)
Fandom: Cabin Pressure (Radio Plays)
Rating/Warnings: Gen, PG13 but contains one R-rated word right at the start, per the prompt. Radio Play script format (sort of). Formatting may go wonky in some layouts.
Word Count: 600-ish
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or the world of Cabin Pressure.
A/N: Starting point from this prompt on the Cabin Pressure Comment fic meme, but it detours as it progresses. May incur random editing and tweaking later. [LJ-only]
Summary: Any meal of Arthur's involving the word "surprise" should be avoided.
-
The Element of Surprise
by CaffieneKitty
-
ARTHUR:"SURPRISE, MUTHAFUCKERS!!"
DOUGLAS: "What the-!"
MARTIN:"Arthur! What in blazes?"
ARTHUR:"Sorry, Skip. It's just dinner, but I thought shouting something from that TV show we watched last night would make it more exciting."
DOUGLAS: "Firstly Arthur, any meal you serve us is by default exciting."
ARTHUR:"Thanks Douglas!"
DOUGLAS: "Not the good kind of exciting."
ARTHUR:"Oh."
DOUGLAS: "Secondly, no more HBO for you even if the hotel does offer it free, lest your mother decide to wash your mouth out with soap."
ARTHUR:"But she hasn't done that since I said that bad word that's mostly spelled like aunt but starts with a c."
DOUGLAS: "Yes."
ARTHUR:"Oh dear. Well, I won't say that thing I said earlier again then."
DOUGLAS: "An excellent idea. Now, dinner?"
ARTHUR:"Right! See I went down to the wharf this morning before we left and got some fresh seafood! I know you like sushi, Douglas, so I looked it up on the internet-"
MARTIN:"Oh god."
ARTHUR:"-and Tah dahhhh!"
MARTIN:"...is that.... no. I don't want to know."
DOUGLAS: "It looks... fascinating, Arthur."
ARTHUR:"Thank you!"
DOUGLAS: "Please, take us through your culinary process."
ARTHUR:"What?"
DOUGLAS: "Tell us what it is and what you did to it."
ARTHUR:"Oh. Well. Like I said, I looked it up online, so I knew what went into it. I had to get seaweed from off the beach. I did wash it but there might be some crunchy bits you need to pick out-"
MARTIN:"Oh, god."
ARTHUR:"And of course there's the seafood, and then there was rice which we had, but I could only get it to stick together with some leftover mayonnaise that I found in the back of the galley fridge-"
MARTIN:"Oh god."
ARTHUR:"And even then I couldn't get it to stay sushi shaped so I just sort of piled the rice and seaweed all up like that big pointy mountain in Japan. And then because sushi is raw, I just put the seafood on top! Tah dahh!"
MARTIN:"Douglaspleasetellmethatbitdidn'tjustmove."
DOUGLAS: "Ah. You say seafood, Arthur...."
ARTHUR:"Fresh as possible! They were just going out on the boats."
DOUGLAS: "Coming in off the boats surely?"
ARTHUR:"No, going out. They had all this fresh seafood they were taking with them onto the boats, which seemed really funny, because if they're going out to catch seafood, why take it with them?"
MARTIN:"That's a squid. A squid, Douglas. A tiny little squid. Ha ha. Climbing a rice and seaweed version of Mount Fuji. Ha ha ha. Oh god."
DOUGLAS: "I believe, Arthur, that the technical term for exceptionally fresh seafood fishermen take with them out to sea is 'live bait'."
ARTHUR:"Oh."
MARTIN:"Oh god. It's bait. Our dinner is bait."
DOUGLAS: "Just fly the plane, Martin."
MARTIN:"Douglas, it's waving at me!"
DOUGLAS: "Fly the plane, I'll deal with it. Come with me, Arthur, and bring that with you."
ARTHUR:"I messed up, didn't I?"
DOUGLAS: "Well, I think we're going to have to dispose of your attempt at sushi, though I actually do appreciate the gesture. However, I'm certain that aside from the cogent facts that dinner is composed of live bait and seaweed with bits of sand and flotsam in it, that mayonnaise has been in the fridge since the previous Captain left."
ARTHUR:"But it's been in the fridge! Everything lasts forever in the fridge!"
DOUGLAS: "No Arthur, it really doesn't. Let's put dinner out of its misery."
ARTHUR: "All right. I wanted to make something special though!"
DOUGLAS: "It is indeed special. Just not edible."
ARTHUR:"I can't seem to get the hang of that part of cooking. The edible part. I thought sushi would be easier because it's raw!"
DOUGLAS: "Not to worry, Arthur. It takes proper sushi chefs years of training to get the hang of it. For a complete beginner you... didn't kill anyone."
ARTHUR:"Hooray!"
DOUGLAS: "Now, after the last culinary incident, I laid by a stash of Garibaldis, Pot Noodles and Frazzles in the aft cabin bulkhead for the recurrence of such an occasion."
ARTHUR:"Ooo! I can do Pot Noodles!"
DOUGLAS: "Indeed, and that's why they are chief among the emergency supplies, because I have absolute faith in your ability to pour hot water into a cup."
ARTHUR:"Thank you, Douglas! I'm flattered!"
DOUGLAS: "You really shouldn't be, but you're welcome regardless."
- - -
(that's all)