the only thing that you keep changing is your name
Time for a time out of all sorts. This is gonna be a gloomy one, folks. Well, not so much gloomy, but highly cynical? i intend to spill my guts out on my lj. i've missed you so much. on the plus side: my physical journals are getting the attention they deserve after two years of abandonment. but as of LATELY, since beginning my second fall semester in college as a "clinical laboratory science ma..." WAKE UP-- i know, nothing artsy-fartsy about it at all. except if you think the image of cellogy and bacteria and the magic show that chemistry offers isn't beautiful enough to where you want to blow a microscopic image up and frame it on your wall, which i do. human anatomy is fucking beautiful and amazing. i only hope i am smart enough to be said major.
if not, the back up plan is to completely SWITCH majors to business management or public relations/communications since i am AWESOME at my current job as a hairstylist/salon receptionist/assistant/multitasker/fuckingweddingcoordinator, i could totes succeed in that, and eventually take over my boss's small business (in like 15 years when she's ready to retire. i truly give her ten, max.) that i have helped run for almost four years. i truly love my job. i just want a paid vacation and vision insurance. i'm really fucking tired.
i can't remember how to post pictures on here.
here is a little ditty i like to call an a-fuckin'-mazing band i've been obsessed with since i was nineteen. i want to see them again. i want them to play for my birthday! if they can't make it, of course i have plan II: mooseknuckle sandwich. google them. amazing.
i mean, really? regine is the luckiest woman alive. brilliant.
aaron and i are still together. amazing, right? i love that child. that is what he is. a lazy, defiant child--whom i have kicked out of the house for the night. it's been bad. plus with a fourteen hour courseload at school and my job/clients-- i had to do it. please note that this first official week of school has been a complete bastard to me with the reading assignments and detour from a ridiculous category 1 poor excuse of a hurricane for pensacola. i was sourly disappointed and pissed that i was mandatorily evacuated from my fucking condo i was staying with my visiting sister and friends for a little vacation before my life truly ended and school became my world and child. And this fucking storm came a huffin' and a puffin' and changed direction at the last minute, once again, and headed for my lovies over in new orleans. they really can't get a break. bless them. so the workload has been incredibly overwhelming; and i am not adjusting very well. i survived my first year without an "all-nighter"-- just this week, I've watched the sun come up three times. that's a little harsh for the first week of school, don't you think? I mean, i am a great student and everything-- i'm not stupid. but i have assignments and certain ridiculous things i have to "check-in" to for things online.
this is my thing for online classes. if i wanted to take an online class, i would have registered for online courses. but i like to be in the class room. i like to turn in my work IN PERSON and not to some fucking inbox with an activated timer that locks me out of my own account with one glitch. i am paying thousands of dollars for error messages and mechanical reliance? pisses me off. we can't even email our work or post from our student class page where there is an option to turn it in! i have to BUY the TEXT software and let the software handle my business. bullshit.
my dad and i still have no contact between one another, and i prefer it that way. he's a piece of work, i tell ya. he has auctioned off all of my mother's belongings and her home-- the only things she ever owned in her life, because the other third was divided amongst her daughters and her parasitic spouse. there is nothing left. he had the locks changed in october of 2011. i asked if i could just have the family home videos and her ornaments. he said the videos were destroyed. and that he had already sold her ornaments. so anytime someone asks how he's doing or laments with pity after hearing that he and i don't have a relationship, saying "that's just so sad! how horrible for him..."-- i finally respond with something similar to:
"fuck him. he's doing just fine. don't be sad for him. he's not."
clearly i'm incredibly angry and a little bitter. i have a right to be. i never had any joys in my life besides my imagination and the people around me, never him. he never provided anything for me besides doubt and fear and grief. i don't know if i hate him. if hate truly exists, i guess it would be true. i see him as a nightmare. an allergy. my body instantly changes and my blood pressure rises and i can't breathe. i find him to be stifling. and my life has been a very great struggle since my mother has died, but i have not let it ruin me. i'm incredibly angry and i haven't dealt with any emotional burdens and depression that still lingers in my bones, so i am on a monitored very small dosage of some weak antidepressant... calexa? it works for now. sometimes i still have bad days. i'm doing the very best i can, and i can proudly and genuinely note this.
i've acquired a nephew since last july. he's amazingly delicious and all butterball hamfattyfatness. i have a love for my sister's children i never thought could ever be. i remember when brittany was pregnant with brooke and i was sitting with her in our lamaze class one monday night, and i thought out loud, "how much will i love this baby? i hope i can love her as mom would.."
and i totally do. she is my sweet broccoli. she loveslovesloves her aunt keka and mimics everything i tell her and show her. so far such achievements include: jumping on the bed, leccturing any domestic dog/cat, chant "chocolate-wasted time!" any time she wants chocolate milk, how to organize her shoe collection, there are more, i'm sure. she can sweep very well. she is very loving and nurturing to her little brother, charlie. he is such a stud.
once i re-learn to post pictures, you've got a front row seat reserved.
i should do homework, but i'd rather take a break and watch the united states of tara on netflix. beach tomorrow
if not, the back up plan is to completely SWITCH majors to business management or public relations/communications since i am AWESOME at my current job as a hairstylist/salon receptionist/assistant/multitasker/fuckingweddingcoordinator, i could totes succeed in that, and eventually take over my boss's small business (in like 15 years when she's ready to retire. i truly give her ten, max.) that i have helped run for almost four years. i truly love my job. i just want a paid vacation and vision insurance. i'm really fucking tired.
i can't remember how to post pictures on here.
here is a little ditty i like to call an a-fuckin'-mazing band i've been obsessed with since i was nineteen. i want to see them again. i want them to play for my birthday! if they can't make it, of course i have plan II: mooseknuckle sandwich. google them. amazing.
Click to viewi mean, really? regine is the luckiest woman alive. brilliant.
aaron and i are still together. amazing, right? i love that child. that is what he is. a lazy, defiant child--whom i have kicked out of the house for the night. it's been bad. plus with a fourteen hour courseload at school and my job/clients-- i had to do it. please note that this first official week of school has been a complete bastard to me with the reading assignments and detour from a ridiculous category 1 poor excuse of a hurricane for pensacola. i was sourly disappointed and pissed that i was mandatorily evacuated from my fucking condo i was staying with my visiting sister and friends for a little vacation before my life truly ended and school became my world and child. And this fucking storm came a huffin' and a puffin' and changed direction at the last minute, once again, and headed for my lovies over in new orleans. they really can't get a break. bless them. so the workload has been incredibly overwhelming; and i am not adjusting very well. i survived my first year without an "all-nighter"-- just this week, I've watched the sun come up three times. that's a little harsh for the first week of school, don't you think? I mean, i am a great student and everything-- i'm not stupid. but i have assignments and certain ridiculous things i have to "check-in" to for things online.
this is my thing for online classes. if i wanted to take an online class, i would have registered for online courses. but i like to be in the class room. i like to turn in my work IN PERSON and not to some fucking inbox with an activated timer that locks me out of my own account with one glitch. i am paying thousands of dollars for error messages and mechanical reliance? pisses me off. we can't even email our work or post from our student class page where there is an option to turn it in! i have to BUY the TEXT software and let the software handle my business. bullshit.
my dad and i still have no contact between one another, and i prefer it that way. he's a piece of work, i tell ya. he has auctioned off all of my mother's belongings and her home-- the only things she ever owned in her life, because the other third was divided amongst her daughters and her parasitic spouse. there is nothing left. he had the locks changed in october of 2011. i asked if i could just have the family home videos and her ornaments. he said the videos were destroyed. and that he had already sold her ornaments. so anytime someone asks how he's doing or laments with pity after hearing that he and i don't have a relationship, saying "that's just so sad! how horrible for him..."-- i finally respond with something similar to:
"fuck him. he's doing just fine. don't be sad for him. he's not."
clearly i'm incredibly angry and a little bitter. i have a right to be. i never had any joys in my life besides my imagination and the people around me, never him. he never provided anything for me besides doubt and fear and grief. i don't know if i hate him. if hate truly exists, i guess it would be true. i see him as a nightmare. an allergy. my body instantly changes and my blood pressure rises and i can't breathe. i find him to be stifling. and my life has been a very great struggle since my mother has died, but i have not let it ruin me. i'm incredibly angry and i haven't dealt with any emotional burdens and depression that still lingers in my bones, so i am on a monitored very small dosage of some weak antidepressant... calexa? it works for now. sometimes i still have bad days. i'm doing the very best i can, and i can proudly and genuinely note this.
i've acquired a nephew since last july. he's amazingly delicious and all butterball hamfattyfatness. i have a love for my sister's children i never thought could ever be. i remember when brittany was pregnant with brooke and i was sitting with her in our lamaze class one monday night, and i thought out loud, "how much will i love this baby? i hope i can love her as mom would.."
and i totally do. she is my sweet broccoli. she loveslovesloves her aunt keka and mimics everything i tell her and show her. so far such achievements include: jumping on the bed, leccturing any domestic dog/cat, chant "chocolate-wasted time!" any time she wants chocolate milk, how to organize her shoe collection, there are more, i'm sure. she can sweep very well. she is very loving and nurturing to her little brother, charlie. he is such a stud.
once i re-learn to post pictures, you've got a front row seat reserved.
i should do homework, but i'd rather take a break and watch the united states of tara on netflix. beach tomorrow