Antic Cafe fanfiction- ?????
Title: ?????
Author: Cafekkodesu
Rating: PG
Length: One-shot teaser...thing...
Warnings: Angst, confusion, angst again...
Pairings: Miku/Kanon (Akiharu/Shinya) ...kind of...
Disclaimer: I own what I actually consider to be a decent plotline XD But nothing else... And I suppose I'll take custody of the angst...
Summary: Miku is hurting, hard, and Kanon is oblivious... until it's too late.
He tried to ignore it at first, but Shinya's curiousity got the better of him when what he thought was the buzzing of a lost insect wouldn't stop.
And then it occured to Shinya, in his very fatigued state of mind, that the buzzing wasn't from a bug, but from his best friend. Rubbing his eyes and adjusting to the dim light provided by the full moon in his bedroom window, he struggled- but managed- to sneak out of his room, and through the living room to where he could pinpoint Akiharu's voice from. The distance wasn't very far, given the size of their apartment, but the furniture proved to be formidable, toe-stubbing obstacles.
It wasn't until he could finally see the outline of every object in the living room that Shinya realized Akiharu wasn't there. In fact, he wasn't even in the apartment. Shinya detected his voice outisde of the door, in the hallway. It was muffled, and although he was never one to spy, there was just something... off about Akiharu today. Sure, on the outside, he was still his bubbly, hyper-active best friend of almost two years, but curiousity and concern got the better of him, prompting Shinya to get so close to the door that his ear was pressed upon the wood. Shinya heard Akiharu mumbling something, but when he didn't hear anything else for a handful of seconds, he was about to get up and go to bed. That is, until he heard Akiharu's frantic voice piercing the silence.
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"Hello?" An older gentleman answered the other line with an obvious layer of fatigue in his greeting.
"Sensei?" Akiharu replied not even a milisecond after hearing the man's voice. "It's Tsukiyama Akiharu."
"Akiharu? ...Son, it's 1:15 in the morning. Can't this wait until day-"
"No! I mean..." Akiharu took in a trembling breath, trying to keep his tone down so he wouldn't disturb the neighbors, and more importantly, Shinya. "Sensei... I think there's seriously something wrong with me..."
The doctor sighed, forcing himself to wake up and listen to what the other had to say. "Look, Akiharu, I know I said you could call me anytime, but now? Is this an emergency?"
"Yes!" Akiharu exclaimed as if the answer was as clear as day. "Sensei... It's about Shinya."
"Yes, I gathered that much. Your roommate, right?" The doctor asked, mostly for himself as he tried to remember the names of clients and people in his clients' lives. "What's going on? Did you have a fight?"
Akiharu shook his head even though the doctor couldn't see it, and started pacing up and down the halls. "No. Actually, it was his birthday, and... and probably one of the best days I've had in a while. But..."
"But...?" The doctor pressed, trying to get to the root of his client's distress.
"That's why this is so hard. I can't keep being the supportive friend. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope here."
"Well, Akiharu, you told me that this was what you wanted. You wanted to be in Shinya's life no matter what."
"Yes, I know I said I wanted to be in his life, even if... he doesn't love me. But, I just..." Akiharu's voice hitched, and he'd stopped pacing. "I feel like I'm getting in too deep. Every day, I'm finding something I love about him more and more, and knowing that I'll be in his life, even when he finds someone else, when they get married, when they have kids... Sensei, I don't think I can be there for him for that long..." Akiharu felt tears stream down his face, but was too wrapped up in his confused thoughts to wipe them away, and paced a little more instead.
"Mm-hmm..." was all the doctor said.
"...Sensei, you know I really hate when you do that..." Akiharu said, annoyed.
"Right, sorry," the doctor apologized. "But it's like we discussed. You knew how difficult this would be, being a support for Shinya and nothing more. Tell me again, because I'm not sure that you remember. What is it that you want from being with Shinya as just a friend?"
"I want..." There were so many different things that Akiharu wanted from being with Shinya... but not as "just a friend". "I want to see him happy. I love it when he smiles, when he's carefree. I like seeing that side of him that isn't so guarded, that his family never let him show. It makes me feel special, I guess, when I get to see him so much in such a different way."
"But it's not enough." The doctor said it more as a fact than a question.
"I thought it was enough," Akiharu admitted. "But I can't help how I feel. I mean, God dammit, I didn't think this would be so hard to control. I can barely touch him in a "friendly way" without my mind totally thinking on its own, and I'm afraid that I can't control it."
A long pause before the doctor pressed. "And...?"
"A-And..." Akiharu started shakily. "I-I don't want t-to lose him..." Akiharu's voice matched the shakiness of his demeanor. His body couldn't hold this new yet old weight and he fell back against a nearby wall, a small 'thud' echoing for a moment on impact. "I dont' think I'd be able to take it, if I wasn't in his life somehow." He sniffled loudly.
"Akiharu," the doctor started, paused, then started again, "Your intentions, while good, are confilcted with both your physical and emotional needs. You are going through a very challenging mental battle. And I believe the only way to overcome this, and win, is to spend some time apart from Shinya."
Akiharu raised his head from where it rested against the back wall. "W-what?"
"I don't mean that you won't love him anymore when your time away is over, but maybe, without Shinya's lingering presence around you, you'll be able to think a little more clearly, and make a decision- rationally. Can you really live with Shinya as your best friend, all feelings platonic and learn to truly surpress your feelings, or are you too in love to bear that burden?"
'Spend time apart from Shinya?' Sure, it was to rationalize things, but it sounded so painful to say. How would he be able to concentrate on himself when he knew his mind and heart would be lingering on Shinya? They always were in the times that they were apart for whatever the need may be. Or, was it possible for Akiharu to fall out of love with Shinya? Akiharu wanted to say yes, but if that were so, it would not be for a great whiie, and even then, he knew Shinya would still have a part of him. He had ever since the day they met two yeras ago.
Yet, Akiharu ignored all of these thoughts, and focused on the one thing that the doctor said that truly bothered him. "Me loving Shinya isn't a burden; it's a gift. I'm lucky that I feel this way toward someone like him."
"Is that so?" The doctor didn't say this snidly, but merely in that analytical way. "So, why not tell Shinya of the "gift" you bear?"
"Because if I did, it wouldn't go well." Akiharu said this confidently, because he'd thought of this scenario a hundred times. "I don't know what type of person he wants to date, or marry, but I know that it's not me. I'm here for him, as a friend, and the same for him for me. We need each other, but just like that. I can't dare break his trust like that. And he'll probably hate me forever."
"You'll never know for sure unless you ask."
"Try another suggestion, Sensei, because there's no way in fucking hell that I can do that to him," Akiharu spat back.
"Then take my first suggestion. I think really thinking about what you want, and not about what may happen, will do you some good."
Akiharu mulled it over, and realized the doctor was right, for the most part. Maybe he really did need to think, to prioritize and organize the messy contents of his heart. And perhaps he could tell Shinya. But Akiharu felt more tears fall at the thought of his selfish confession gone wrong, as it often did in his head.
"Akiharu? Are you still there?" The doctor asked, concerned when he didn't hear Akiharu reply.
"Yeah. I'll consider it," Akiharu answered completely void of any emotion. "'Til then, I'll see you on Tuesday, Sensei." Not waiting for a reply, Akiharu hit the "end" button on his phone. He sat on the ground, watching hot tears fall from his equally hot cheeks and onto his lap. He stared at his phone, replaying the conversation he'd just had, and every replay that grazed by only made him more angry. Akiharu's grip on the cell phone in his hand was so hard, his knuckles were turning white, and suddenly, when he found that the vice grip wasn't enough to satisfy him, Akiharu threw the phone against the wall. The battery broke off and the screen appeared to be cracked, but nothing was fairing worse than his heart. Shakily, Akiharu brought his knees up to his chest and buried his face in his curled-up legs, hoping to hush the slew of sobs that came from his throat. It had already been six months since his realization. How much more could Akiharu really take?
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Shinya could only lay against the door, in total and utter shock. He'd had his ear glued to the wooded barricade for minutes now, listening silently to Akiharu's phone call- of course, Shinya only heard what Akiharu was saying, but he knew without a doubt now of Akiharu's feelings, and why he was acting so different toward Shinya. Shinya had torn his ear away when he heard the loud thud that was Akiharu's cell phone breaking off the wall, followed by his best friend's crying. From there, Shinya was shedding tears of his own, wondering who this could have happened.
Ever since Akiharu told Shinya he was gay, Shinya had noticed every now and then, what appeared to be subtle touches and looks to others, were somehow... different, in Shinya's eyes. And Shinya had never been out with a girl or a guy before, so who was to say what his so-called preference was? But... Akiharu? Shinya certainly had his suspisions, but why was he crying? Shock? Fear? Both, probably. What was he going to do now? How could he act like he didn't hear Akiharu's confession? Could he really pretend that everything was still normal? Shinya quietly rose from the floor, wiping his tears, and reluctantly retreating to his room- reluctant, because he could still hear Akiharu crying out in the hallway, alone. And right now, Shinya wanted to be by his best friend's side and tell him that lie, that everything was going to be okay.
Shinya knew Akiharu went to a therapist, his "Sensei" every week. He knew Akiharu's home life was less than perfect, and that was his reason for going. But... was it also because of Shinya that Akiharu had to go to a shrink? They'd talked about everything together, so more than anything, Shinya felt betrayed for a stange man (to Shinya) to know more about his best friend than Shinya did.
There were those words: "Best friend". But was Akiharu really? Akiharu saw Shinya as a crush, so what was Akiharu to Shinay now? "No, no, no, no..." Shinya whispered to himself as more tears fell. He desperately clutched his pillow, tears soaking in as his thoughts rushed at him at a million miles an hour, all the while his heart was trying to tell him that the thought of Akiharu "in love" with Shinya wasn't repulsive, but his mind wouldn't have it. Shinya cried himself to sleep, hopelessly confused an hour later, and didn't hear when Akiharu went back in their apartment, then his room, and then in Shinya's own room.
Akiharu stared down at the sleeping man, the darkness illuminating his form, but concealing his tear-stained cheeks and puffy eyes. Akiharu put down his suitcase and crouched down in front of Shinya, brushing some stray raven hairs away from his angelic face. He sighed heavily and bent forward, placing a kiss on Shinya's forehead. He left his forehead connected with Shinya's for a lingering moment, whispering
"I'm sorry."
before straightening back up, wrapping his trembling hand around the suitcase handles, and slowly making his way out of the apartment, shutting the door behind him.
A/N: Can I just say how ridiculously tired I am? z_z
Oh inspiration... sometimes I hate you, because now I'm gonna look like a panda with these bags under my eyes.... Anyway! This is what I've been working on for such a long time, a piece of it, anyway. And no, it's got nothing to do with my Miku/Bou one-shot with the "????" title as well (that's a piece of a different story).
This is a piece of a story I'm 2/3 of the way done with. There's angst and fluff, and my crappy attempt at dialogue... oh, and seriously, there's angst. I hate it, but I'm curious to see how good I am at it... or not. So if you're confused, that's why, you're missing a HUUUUUGE chunk of this story cuz I haven't posted it yet XD But yeah, I felt like writing/posting now (trying to keep the comm. alive........) So, I hope you enjoyed this... angst....
Okay, I'm 2 seconds from crashing -_-" hahaha night, all~