My secrets, let me show you them. [643]
I don't know what you already know. I don't know what you want to know. I don't know what you don't want to know.
I'm telling you everything.
I did try to Disappear Here.
Just saying 'I wasn't happy' doesn't help, and it isn't even true. I was happy. Sometimes. Most of the time? But I wasn't okay with who I was, where I was. I didn't want to make this a problem because I thought maybe it wasn't a problem. I thought I could just disappear into a new town and not come back.
I'M AN IDIOT. Let's just establish this now.
So. I wanted to be a new person and I wanted to be. Not really a better person. Just. A person I liked being, rather than someone I didn't want to be. I'M A SELFISH IDIOT.
I also wanted to be happy. I tried every-fucking-thing.
I tried socialization, which has helped me realize I really hate the real world. I got nothing out of these attempts except a roommate who is fond of me and thinks I'm fond of her. (I'm not. She watches reality TV and likes Twilight and does nothing except whine.) I got nothing out of these attempts except some random d00d who always wants to hang out and who the fuck are you. YOU DON'T EVEN GO HERE. (Okay, that's a lie, but. Yeah.)
So I decided the real world could go fuck itself and, well I mean. You always seemed happy enough with fandom. I wanted to give it a shot.
Oh my fuck I'm an idiot.
I wanted to give it a shot without you. It's not a, I don't want to hang out in your shadow kind of thing. (Your shadow is a very comfortable place to be.) It was a, I didn't want to rely on you as a crutch. I wanted to see if I could do this on my own.
I could.
But I don't want to.
It's not that I had a bad fandom experience (like a bad acid trip or something, BUT LOLNO). It was nice, people were nice, everything was great. I just wasn't interested. I tried everything I could think of and I just was not interested. I don't know if this is because you weren't there or just because fandom isn't my thing. I think fandom just isn't my thing.
I mean, that's okay, isn't it?
What isn't okay AND EVEN I KNOW THIS is darting off without a word and I'm really fucking sorry for that. I wanted to make a 'new life' for myself. Be a 'new person' that I would enjoy being. I did and I actually think I mostly succeeded.
But there's no reason I couldn't have done with WITH YOU there and I'm a fucking asshole for thinking I had to do this by myself and for just. Leaving.
I don't know what I want to do now.
I just don't want to keep doing it without you.
I could (and I will) say I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
But that's just not enough. But you're still here (I think, I hope?) and I haven't lost you (I think, I hope?) and I can swear I'll never do this again because (warning: chick flick moment) your friendship is too valuable for me to risk like this.
But that's just not enough.
I fucked up and I'm not sure how to make this better. Can I ever fix this? I want to. I don't want things back the way they were, because, well, I still want these changes I was trying to make. I just don't want you to be one of these changes. There will always (jfc, gtfo chick flick) be a place for you here for as long as you want to stay here. 'Here' being in me. (HAH. BAD SEXUAL INNUENDO DEFEATS CHICK FLICK MOMENTS.)
I don't know a lot of things. I don't know what to do.
But I owe you a Champion.
...and a fuckload of late work.
I'm telling you everything.
I did try to Disappear Here.
Just saying 'I wasn't happy' doesn't help, and it isn't even true. I was happy. Sometimes. Most of the time? But I wasn't okay with who I was, where I was. I didn't want to make this a problem because I thought maybe it wasn't a problem. I thought I could just disappear into a new town and not come back.
I'M AN IDIOT. Let's just establish this now.
So. I wanted to be a new person and I wanted to be. Not really a better person. Just. A person I liked being, rather than someone I didn't want to be. I'M A SELFISH IDIOT.
I also wanted to be happy. I tried every-fucking-thing.
I tried socialization, which has helped me realize I really hate the real world. I got nothing out of these attempts except a roommate who is fond of me and thinks I'm fond of her. (I'm not. She watches reality TV and likes Twilight and does nothing except whine.) I got nothing out of these attempts except some random d00d who always wants to hang out and who the fuck are you. YOU DON'T EVEN GO HERE. (Okay, that's a lie, but. Yeah.)
So I decided the real world could go fuck itself and, well I mean. You always seemed happy enough with fandom. I wanted to give it a shot.
Oh my fuck I'm an idiot.
I wanted to give it a shot without you. It's not a, I don't want to hang out in your shadow kind of thing. (Your shadow is a very comfortable place to be.) It was a, I didn't want to rely on you as a crutch. I wanted to see if I could do this on my own.
I could.
But I don't want to.
It's not that I had a bad fandom experience (like a bad acid trip or something, BUT LOLNO). It was nice, people were nice, everything was great. I just wasn't interested. I tried everything I could think of and I just was not interested. I don't know if this is because you weren't there or just because fandom isn't my thing. I think fandom just isn't my thing.
I mean, that's okay, isn't it?
What isn't okay AND EVEN I KNOW THIS is darting off without a word and I'm really fucking sorry for that. I wanted to make a 'new life' for myself. Be a 'new person' that I would enjoy being. I did and I actually think I mostly succeeded.
But there's no reason I couldn't have done with WITH YOU there and I'm a fucking asshole for thinking I had to do this by myself and for just. Leaving.
I don't know what I want to do now.
I just don't want to keep doing it without you.
I could (and I will) say I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
But that's just not enough. But you're still here (I think, I hope?) and I haven't lost you (I think, I hope?) and I can swear I'll never do this again because (warning: chick flick moment) your friendship is too valuable for me to risk like this.
But that's just not enough.
I fucked up and I'm not sure how to make this better. Can I ever fix this? I want to. I don't want things back the way they were, because, well, I still want these changes I was trying to make. I just don't want you to be one of these changes. There will always (jfc, gtfo chick flick) be a place for you here for as long as you want to stay here. 'Here' being in me. (HAH. BAD SEXUAL INNUENDO DEFEATS CHICK FLICK MOMENTS.)
I don't know a lot of things. I don't know what to do.
But I owe you a Champion.
...and a fuckload of late work.