DCDD Comment Fic Serial Story: Life, After (Week 2)
This is a continuation of the story started with the DCDD postings back in September 2015. That week's stories can be found as the first part here: DCDD Comment Fic Serial Story: Life, After (Week 1)
Each day's part is accompanied by a link to see the pictures, which can only be accessed if you are a member of the jim-and-bones lj community. Click here to join, if you haven't already.
A note about the title, "Life, After" - it is inspired by the following quotation by Lindsay Fischer in The House on Sunset: "There is life after abuse. This is mine."
A note about what this story is about: Jim and Bones meet up in an apartment building that Jim has moved in to as he hides from an abusive ex. Slowly, they get to know each other, and Jim begins the process of coming back to himself. This story deals with domestic abuse.
MONDAY - JANUARY 11
Even though Jim had gained confidence in himself and wasn’t nearly as fearful as he was even a couple of months ago, there were still some things that made him feel exposed. Maybe not necessarily in danger, not anymore, but definitely less secure. He still largely lived his life inside the safety of their apartment building - sometimes escaping to the roof when the need to get out got to be too great, but not compelling enough to push him out the door and down the street.
Leo was actually concerned that he was starting to becoming too comfortable with being inside, and worried that he might end up a shut-in. And that….that would be tragic. The kid had managed to save himself from one kind of prison, and the thought of him in another self-imposed prison in order to stay safe broke Leo’s heart. And made him murderously angry at the lowlife who’d caused Jim to feel like he had to live like that.
So when Jim had tentatively brought up that he was going to cancel his grocery delivery order and go to the store himself, Leo had quietly rejoiced. It was another step, and a significant one. Previously, if Jim had to go somewhere, he’d asked Leo to drive him, and he was a ball of nerves the whole time they were out. This time though, Jim had announced that he was going to walk down to the corner store and get a few things.
Leonard was confident that this was a good thing, and hadn’t anticipated any trouble, so when he got a call from Jim a short time later, he answered quickly.
“Hey, Jim. What’s up?”
“I got a call from a number I didn’t recognize,” he said, and Leo could hear the fear in his voice.
“Wrong number?” Leonard suggested carefully, keeping his voice calm. It was most likely nothing - he used a pre-paid phone that he bought here - but he knew Jim could be easily spooked.
“I - I don’t know. I c-couldn’t answer.” Jim took a deep breath. “W-what if….”
“Jim, there’ s no way he could have your number,” Leo said. “You’re safe.”
Leo listened to Jim’s shaky breaths on the other end of the line, and closed his eyes. He couldn’t ignore the obvious distress he was feeling.
“Are you in the store still?”
”Yes”.
“Okay, stay there. I’m coming.”
“Thanks, Bones. I - I know I’m being stupid, but…”
“You’re not,” Leo said immediately. “You’re not being stupid. And I’ll be right there.”
TUESDAY - JANUARY 12
Jim must’ve been waiting for him just inside the doors, because when Leo pulled up, he hurried out to meet him. Leo observed with dismay his body language - the way he kept his head down, and seemed to shrink into himself as he glanced around furtively. Jim paused briefly, and Leo knew he was debating getting in the back seat where he felt it was easier to hide…something he hadn’t done for a few months now, and - thankfully - ultimately didn’t do it this time either.
“Hey,” Leo said as Jim closed the door. “Let me see the number…”
“Can’t,” Jim said curtly. “I destroyed it and dropped the pieces down a drain. Can we go? I just want to be home.”
Leo sighed and did as Jim asked, pulling away from the curb. “It was probably just a wrong number,” Leo said softly.
Withdrawing into himself, like he had when they’d first met, Jim just shrugged and folded his arms over himself, but not before Leo noticed that his hands were shaking.
When they got back to their apartment building, Jim went quickly inside, Leonard following. But instead of inviting Leo in, Jim offered him a small smile and apologized and thanked him again.
“I just…need some time alone,” he said.
Leo frowned, not really thinking that was the best idea. In his estimation, the last thing Jim needed was to be left alone with old ghosts and bad memories.
“Jim…” he said, stopping him from closing the door. “I’m here if you need me.”
Jim nodded, eyes down. “I know.”
“Okay…see you around kid.”
Jim sighed as he closed his eyes and leaned against the door. The quiet solitude of his small efficiency had become much more than just the place he lived. It was also his escape…and his place to hide.
Over the next day, Jim went to back to the way he lived when he first got there, staying quiet so he could hear what was happening outside, not stepping a foot outside, staying away from the windows and not being able to sleep. He was self-aware enough to recognize common symptoms of a stress reaction - maybe even PTSD - but he didn’t care. It was worth it.
The next night Bones dropped by. He was coming back from a shift and was exhausted, but he wanted to check on him. Jim hesitated, but opened the door and let him in.
“Hey…” he said, his greeting dying on his lips as he got a good look at Jim. He’d shaved and given himself a very basic haircut.
“Change your look?”
Jim shrugged and sank down on the edge of his platform bed. “Thought it might make me a little harder to recognize.”
Leo’s gaze softened as he leaned against the wall. “Have you slept?”
“Not really.”
“Want to come over?” Leo asked.
Yes, he did. He thought he wanted solitude…but what he really wanted was to feel safe. And he felt safe with Bones.
“You sure?” Jim asked, a small smile on his face. “You look like hell.”
Leo just rolled his eyes. “C’mon kid. I got a couch with your name on it.”
WEDNESDAY - JANUARY 13
Safely ensconced in Bones’ apartment, Jim and Bones sat on the couch. At first, they sat separately, but that didn’t last. They’d been slowly moving closer together for months, and tonight Jim needed contact. He needed to be held. He’d needed that for so long, and after…everything…he’d been so afraid to reach out for that.
But tonight, as they sat together on the couch, Bones could see what Jim needed, even if he couldn’t verbalize it quite yet. So he gently pulled Jim to his side, urging him to lean against him. There was so much Leo wanted to say to him…reassure him that he was safe, tell him that he could let himself live freely, that even if it hadn’t been a wrong number, he wasn’t alone and wouldn’t have to face his past by himself. He wanted to say all of that, and more, but there was still so much that Jim hadn’t shared with him, and he’d spent these last few months letting Jim set the pace.
He didn’t want to push, didn’t want Jim to feel like he expected anything from him. He had a feeling he’d lived like that for way too long already.
Tonight, though, Jim was finally taking what Bones had been freely offering for a long time…physical comfort. The fear over the perceived threat the other day, after feeling relatively safe for so long, had shaken him, and he needed more than just comforting words.
Leonard had his arm around Jim’s shoulders as he leaned into his side as they watched some mindless comedy show. But he was exhausted, and couldn’t hold back a yawn, which Jim noticed.
“Bones…we should go to bed.”
“Yeah…you’re right,” he said. He looked down at Jim who hadn’t moved from his side, and made a decision. “Jim…there’s no need for you to sleep out here.”
Jim craned his head to look at him, something in his eyes that Leonard couldn’t quite place. “What do you mean?”
Leonard hesitated, then mentally shrugged. “I mean, let’s go to bed.”
Jim looked at him for a moment longer, then nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “Let’s.”
He got up and headed into the bedroom, and Leonard took a moment to turn off the tv and lights before following him in.
“Oh…” he said, when he saw that Jim had stripped to his underwear. “Want to borrow some sweats and a shirt?”
“Why?” Jim asked, turning to look at him with a raised eyebrow. “I thought you wanted to go to bed.”
It was a moment before Leonard understood what Jim thought he’d implied.
“Oh…Jim…no. Well, yes, I did want to go to bed, but just to sleep. I just thought….maybe…. you wouldn’t want to sleep alone. That’s all.”
Jim flushed and crossed his arms over himself, suddenly feeling foolish standing there in his underwear.
“Oh,” he said. “I -uh…”
“It’s okay, Jim. Here.” He handed him a t-shirt and sweats to wear and gave him some privacy.
Later, when they were under the covers, warm and comfortable, Leonard turned on his side to face Jim, eyes traveling over his youthful face.
“Sorry about earlier,” Jim said quietly. “I just thought…I don’t know. You do so much for me, and I..I…” he trailed off, unable to say anything else.
Leo put an arm over Jim’s shoulder and he closed his eyes to hide how much that gentle touch affected him.
“Jim, you don’t owe me anything. I know it feels like we’ve been moving towards…something...and I won’t lie…the thought appeals to me.” He paused as Jim smiled, opening his eyes and meeting Bones’ gaze.
“Me, too,” he whispered.
“But there’s no rush. Sometimes…it’s just nice to be close.”
Jim sighed and nodded, closing his eyes again as he relaxed completely, feeling safe, and like they were on the edge of something he’d been waiting for for so long. And not afraid of it.
THURSDAY - JANUARY 14
Memories in the form of nightmares played over and over again, flashes of what his life was like before he managed to gather his wits and get away. And though the scenes changed, the overwhelming sense of helplessness and sadness and fear did not.
Finally, at one point, he realized he was dreaming, and he jerked awake with a quiet gasp, blinking in the near-darkness. They’d fallen asleep with a lamp throwing dim light into the room, and he wondered when Bones had realized he didn’t like to sleep in the dark. At another time, he might’ve felt embarrassed that someone else knew that about him, but now, as he turned his head to look at Bones, all he felt was grateful that he’d been lucky enough to find someone who cared.
Not feeling able to fall back asleep, and not wanting to wake Bones, Jim edged carefully out of bed. He looked at Bones, sleeping soundly, and felt so much for him…so lucky for his friendship, so grateful for his patience, and so much for the way he treated him. Not like he was broken or damaged (which he was), and not like he was something to be controlled or a thing to be used (like he used to be). But just like he was cared for. Maybe even loved.
…it feels like we’ve been moving towards…something - that line ran through Jim’s head and made his heart skip a beat. He’d hardly allowed himself to hope that Bones was feeling the same…and then he said he was. It felt like…more than he deserved. And Bones deserved more. If he was going to open his life and heart to Jim, he had to know more than what he’d shared so far.
He deserved to know everything.
And Jim decided he was going to tell him.
FRIDAY - JANUARY 15
Jim had decided to tell Bones everything - but he knew it wouldn’t be an easy conversation, and it wasn’t something that he could just discuss over lunch one day either. It was almost a week before Jim had the nerve - and they both had the time.
In that time, though, they’d stayed close - gently nurturing this new thing between them. Bones had invited Jim to sleep with him whenever he wanted, and Jim gratefully accepted. Because even though he was still plagued by nightmares, he slept better when they were together. And that time they spent in bed together…not doing anything but holding each other, and once, after a particularly bad one, Leonard had gently kissed him, and Jim found himself responding. It was the best thing Jim ever felt, and he held Leonard to him almost desperately.
But Bones had gently disengaged. “Not yet,” he’d murmured. He’d smiled a little, drawing his fingers through Jim’s hair tenderly. “Not until you’re ready.”
Jim hummed in agreement, and closed his eyes again and Bones drew him closer.
Comforted by the memory of that quiet night, Jim found it a little easier to suggest they go up to the roof to talk, and for the first time, Jim told him the whole story.
Leo did his best to keep his face impassive as Jim told him how Gary had come into his life…a friend of one of the boys in one of the many foster families he’d been part of who’d taken a liking to him. When he aged out of the system at 18, he found himself with a lot ambition, a lot of intelligence, a university acceptance, and no money.
“Gary let me live with him…and before I knew it, we were together. And I was stuck. He controlled everything…paid for my books and other things I couldn’t afford because of tuition. He reminded me constantly that I wouldn’t have anything without him, and he was right. And everything was…okay…for a long time. Not great, but not bad. Until…until he thought I was trying to pull away. And then it wasn’t.”
SATURDAY - JANUARY 16
**Please note, this part has some graphic depictions of domestic violence between partners**
Jim paused, and tried to put his thoughts in order.
“Gary was…very possessive. And at first, I liked it. I liked not having to worry about things…having someone take care of me. I hadn’t had that very much,” he admitted softly. “I didn’t realize it right away, but taking care of me meant controlling me.”
“What made you realize that?” Leo asked quietly.
“I didn’t. Not for a long time. I remember the first time he…hit me,” Jim said, his hands tightening. “My shift at the store where I worked got extended and I didn’t have time to call, and when I got home, Gary was furious. He said I was inconsiderate and thoughtless and irresponsible - how easy would it have been to call him and let him know I was going to be late? - and he shoved me, then smacked me. And…I could see his point. I had been thoughtless. So, I apologized, and he held me and apologized for losing his temper. And he hadn’t really hurt me, so I forgave him.”
Jim swallowed, and glanced up, briefly meeting Bones’ eyes before looking away again. “I realize now that’s how he controlled me. Everything was my fault, and I believed it. It was easy to believe it - when I was a kid, no family ever kept me for long, and I thought it was my fault. That Gary would keep me, even when I was so stupid, or did something so thoughtless…I just….” He shrugged. “I thought it was me. He would say, ‘You make me so crazy Jim - why can’t you understand?’ or, ‘Why do you make me do this?’ And, I would apologize.”
He told Leonard about Gary’s temper, and the way he’d fly off the handle, and how Jim spent so much time trying to stop that from happening. And then he’d lost his job, because Gary kept calling and cutting his hours back, and when he’d lost his job he couldn’t afford tuition.
“I had no money, and no way out,” Jim said. “And all the time, things were getting worse. Gary would throw things, if I didn’t cook dinner right or something, he’d scream at me. It got so all I wanted to do every day was just keep the peace, and I’d try so hard to do that. But nothing I did was good enough.”
Leo wanted to scream. He felt like his blood pressure was through the roof as he forced himself to not show how intensely angry he was. To see Jim sitting before him now, bowed by the weight of his story, eyes on the ground, and to know that Gary had beaten him down emotionally until he was a shadow of the person he should’ve been was maddening, and so, so sad.
“But something happened that made you decide to leave,” he said, willing his voice to be steady. “What was it?”
Jim let out a small laugh. “I got in a car accident, with Gary’s car. It wasn’t my fault, and no one was seriously injured, but the car was totaled. I was bruised and banged up and sore, and when we finally got home, he threw a screaming fit for hours over it, blamed me for using the car, he shattered a glass in the kitchen that cut my leg…and seeing the blood seemed to snap him out of it. He…he knelt in front of me, crying. Cleaned and bandaged my leg, said again and again he was so afraid of losing me, and then he…took me to bed. I was hurting and didn’t want to do anything, but he ignored me…he always ignored me. And…he hurt me that night, the whole time whispering in my ear how much he loved me and I was his, and he was never going to let me go. And I was just lying there, biting my lip to keep quiet, and I just remember thinking, “if you loved me, you wouldn’t hurt me.” And that…that’s when I decided to leave.”
His heart breaking for Jim, Leonard reached out to pull him into a hug.
“I’m so, so glad you did,” he whispered.
Jim was shaking in his arms, pressing his face to Leonard’s shoulder, and he was holding on so tightly. Leonard just let him, staying quiet and holding him just as tightly. Jim deserved so much more than what his life had been like so far. And Leonard was going to make sure he got it, for as long as Jim would let him.
After a while, with the night darkening around them, Jim seemed to calm, and let Bones go. He sniffed and wiped his hand across his eyes, head bowed.
Leonard still had a lot of questions, but now was not the time. Now was the time to focus on what Jim needed in the wake of his most vulnerable admissions. And though Leonard was not a mental health counselor, Leonard knew that what Jim needed now was his support, and his love.
And he had both for him.
SUNDAY - JANUARY 17
Jim had let his hair grow out again, as well as a bit of a beard, and Leonard couldn’t help but smile every time he looked at him. This look suited him.
Leonard brushed a kiss against his temple as he headed into the kitchen.
“Good morning,” he said. “You look good. Nervous?”
Jim smiled at him, the tousled bed-head he was sporting so endearing. He thought for a second before answering, really taking stock of how he felt. “No,” he said. “Not nervous. Excited.”
Leonard smiled at him over the counter. “I’m excited for you.”
Today, Jim was starting classes at the university. His education, which had been interrupted, was starting up again. It was a big step, and one they’d been working towards for a while now. It was something Jim very much wanted - he felt it was an excellent way to put the money from his mother’s life insurance to use. Another good way. The first was getting out and starting a new life. When he turned 22, that money became available to him, and it was something he’d (wisely) kept from Gary.
His mother had provided him with a way to freedom, years after her death. And now she was going to provide him with a way to make that freedom worthwhile.
Jim watched as Leonard prepared breakfast for them both, marveling at the fact that he wasn’t nervous. It wasn’t so long ago that leaving the apartment building they’d been living him at the time was enough to send him to the brink of panic. But Bones had done so much to help him know that he was safe, including moving. He’d gone through the trouble of applying to many different hospitals across the country, and had finally found one. And that move…that seemed to open a whole new world for Jim.
Starting again - this time with someone who loved him so unconditionally as to uproot his whole world and start over - helped him realize his worth, and did a lot to build up confidence that had been taken away from him.
“Hey,” Jim said suddenly, cutting Bones off mid-sentence. He looked at Jim, eyebrows raised. “I love you.”
Leonard smiled, his eyes shining with happiness. “I love you, too.”
And this, Jim knew, this is what life was supposed to be. This was his life, after.
Each day's part is accompanied by a link to see the pictures, which can only be accessed if you are a member of the jim-and-bones lj community. Click here to join, if you haven't already.
A note about the title, "Life, After" - it is inspired by the following quotation by Lindsay Fischer in The House on Sunset: "There is life after abuse. This is mine."
A note about what this story is about: Jim and Bones meet up in an apartment building that Jim has moved in to as he hides from an abusive ex. Slowly, they get to know each other, and Jim begins the process of coming back to himself. This story deals with domestic abuse.
MONDAY - JANUARY 11
Even though Jim had gained confidence in himself and wasn’t nearly as fearful as he was even a couple of months ago, there were still some things that made him feel exposed. Maybe not necessarily in danger, not anymore, but definitely less secure. He still largely lived his life inside the safety of their apartment building - sometimes escaping to the roof when the need to get out got to be too great, but not compelling enough to push him out the door and down the street.
Leo was actually concerned that he was starting to becoming too comfortable with being inside, and worried that he might end up a shut-in. And that….that would be tragic. The kid had managed to save himself from one kind of prison, and the thought of him in another self-imposed prison in order to stay safe broke Leo’s heart. And made him murderously angry at the lowlife who’d caused Jim to feel like he had to live like that.
So when Jim had tentatively brought up that he was going to cancel his grocery delivery order and go to the store himself, Leo had quietly rejoiced. It was another step, and a significant one. Previously, if Jim had to go somewhere, he’d asked Leo to drive him, and he was a ball of nerves the whole time they were out. This time though, Jim had announced that he was going to walk down to the corner store and get a few things.
Leonard was confident that this was a good thing, and hadn’t anticipated any trouble, so when he got a call from Jim a short time later, he answered quickly.
“Hey, Jim. What’s up?”
“I got a call from a number I didn’t recognize,” he said, and Leo could hear the fear in his voice.
“Wrong number?” Leonard suggested carefully, keeping his voice calm. It was most likely nothing - he used a pre-paid phone that he bought here - but he knew Jim could be easily spooked.
“I - I don’t know. I c-couldn’t answer.” Jim took a deep breath. “W-what if….”
“Jim, there’ s no way he could have your number,” Leo said. “You’re safe.”
Leo listened to Jim’s shaky breaths on the other end of the line, and closed his eyes. He couldn’t ignore the obvious distress he was feeling.
“Are you in the store still?”
”Yes”.
“Okay, stay there. I’m coming.”
“Thanks, Bones. I - I know I’m being stupid, but…”
“You’re not,” Leo said immediately. “You’re not being stupid. And I’ll be right there.”
TUESDAY - JANUARY 12
Jim must’ve been waiting for him just inside the doors, because when Leo pulled up, he hurried out to meet him. Leo observed with dismay his body language - the way he kept his head down, and seemed to shrink into himself as he glanced around furtively. Jim paused briefly, and Leo knew he was debating getting in the back seat where he felt it was easier to hide…something he hadn’t done for a few months now, and - thankfully - ultimately didn’t do it this time either.
“Hey,” Leo said as Jim closed the door. “Let me see the number…”
“Can’t,” Jim said curtly. “I destroyed it and dropped the pieces down a drain. Can we go? I just want to be home.”
Leo sighed and did as Jim asked, pulling away from the curb. “It was probably just a wrong number,” Leo said softly.
Withdrawing into himself, like he had when they’d first met, Jim just shrugged and folded his arms over himself, but not before Leo noticed that his hands were shaking.
When they got back to their apartment building, Jim went quickly inside, Leonard following. But instead of inviting Leo in, Jim offered him a small smile and apologized and thanked him again.
“I just…need some time alone,” he said.
Leo frowned, not really thinking that was the best idea. In his estimation, the last thing Jim needed was to be left alone with old ghosts and bad memories.
“Jim…” he said, stopping him from closing the door. “I’m here if you need me.”
Jim nodded, eyes down. “I know.”
“Okay…see you around kid.”
Jim sighed as he closed his eyes and leaned against the door. The quiet solitude of his small efficiency had become much more than just the place he lived. It was also his escape…and his place to hide.
Over the next day, Jim went to back to the way he lived when he first got there, staying quiet so he could hear what was happening outside, not stepping a foot outside, staying away from the windows and not being able to sleep. He was self-aware enough to recognize common symptoms of a stress reaction - maybe even PTSD - but he didn’t care. It was worth it.
The next night Bones dropped by. He was coming back from a shift and was exhausted, but he wanted to check on him. Jim hesitated, but opened the door and let him in.
“Hey…” he said, his greeting dying on his lips as he got a good look at Jim. He’d shaved and given himself a very basic haircut.
“Change your look?”
Jim shrugged and sank down on the edge of his platform bed. “Thought it might make me a little harder to recognize.”
Leo’s gaze softened as he leaned against the wall. “Have you slept?”
“Not really.”
“Want to come over?” Leo asked.
Yes, he did. He thought he wanted solitude…but what he really wanted was to feel safe. And he felt safe with Bones.
“You sure?” Jim asked, a small smile on his face. “You look like hell.”
Leo just rolled his eyes. “C’mon kid. I got a couch with your name on it.”
WEDNESDAY - JANUARY 13
Safely ensconced in Bones’ apartment, Jim and Bones sat on the couch. At first, they sat separately, but that didn’t last. They’d been slowly moving closer together for months, and tonight Jim needed contact. He needed to be held. He’d needed that for so long, and after…everything…he’d been so afraid to reach out for that.
But tonight, as they sat together on the couch, Bones could see what Jim needed, even if he couldn’t verbalize it quite yet. So he gently pulled Jim to his side, urging him to lean against him. There was so much Leo wanted to say to him…reassure him that he was safe, tell him that he could let himself live freely, that even if it hadn’t been a wrong number, he wasn’t alone and wouldn’t have to face his past by himself. He wanted to say all of that, and more, but there was still so much that Jim hadn’t shared with him, and he’d spent these last few months letting Jim set the pace.
He didn’t want to push, didn’t want Jim to feel like he expected anything from him. He had a feeling he’d lived like that for way too long already.
Tonight, though, Jim was finally taking what Bones had been freely offering for a long time…physical comfort. The fear over the perceived threat the other day, after feeling relatively safe for so long, had shaken him, and he needed more than just comforting words.
Leonard had his arm around Jim’s shoulders as he leaned into his side as they watched some mindless comedy show. But he was exhausted, and couldn’t hold back a yawn, which Jim noticed.
“Bones…we should go to bed.”
“Yeah…you’re right,” he said. He looked down at Jim who hadn’t moved from his side, and made a decision. “Jim…there’s no need for you to sleep out here.”
Jim craned his head to look at him, something in his eyes that Leonard couldn’t quite place. “What do you mean?”
Leonard hesitated, then mentally shrugged. “I mean, let’s go to bed.”
Jim looked at him for a moment longer, then nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “Let’s.”
He got up and headed into the bedroom, and Leonard took a moment to turn off the tv and lights before following him in.
“Oh…” he said, when he saw that Jim had stripped to his underwear. “Want to borrow some sweats and a shirt?”
“Why?” Jim asked, turning to look at him with a raised eyebrow. “I thought you wanted to go to bed.”
It was a moment before Leonard understood what Jim thought he’d implied.
“Oh…Jim…no. Well, yes, I did want to go to bed, but just to sleep. I just thought….maybe…. you wouldn’t want to sleep alone. That’s all.”
Jim flushed and crossed his arms over himself, suddenly feeling foolish standing there in his underwear.
“Oh,” he said. “I -uh…”
“It’s okay, Jim. Here.” He handed him a t-shirt and sweats to wear and gave him some privacy.
Later, when they were under the covers, warm and comfortable, Leonard turned on his side to face Jim, eyes traveling over his youthful face.
“Sorry about earlier,” Jim said quietly. “I just thought…I don’t know. You do so much for me, and I..I…” he trailed off, unable to say anything else.
Leo put an arm over Jim’s shoulder and he closed his eyes to hide how much that gentle touch affected him.
“Jim, you don’t owe me anything. I know it feels like we’ve been moving towards…something...and I won’t lie…the thought appeals to me.” He paused as Jim smiled, opening his eyes and meeting Bones’ gaze.
“Me, too,” he whispered.
“But there’s no rush. Sometimes…it’s just nice to be close.”
Jim sighed and nodded, closing his eyes again as he relaxed completely, feeling safe, and like they were on the edge of something he’d been waiting for for so long. And not afraid of it.
THURSDAY - JANUARY 14
Memories in the form of nightmares played over and over again, flashes of what his life was like before he managed to gather his wits and get away. And though the scenes changed, the overwhelming sense of helplessness and sadness and fear did not.
Finally, at one point, he realized he was dreaming, and he jerked awake with a quiet gasp, blinking in the near-darkness. They’d fallen asleep with a lamp throwing dim light into the room, and he wondered when Bones had realized he didn’t like to sleep in the dark. At another time, he might’ve felt embarrassed that someone else knew that about him, but now, as he turned his head to look at Bones, all he felt was grateful that he’d been lucky enough to find someone who cared.
Not feeling able to fall back asleep, and not wanting to wake Bones, Jim edged carefully out of bed. He looked at Bones, sleeping soundly, and felt so much for him…so lucky for his friendship, so grateful for his patience, and so much for the way he treated him. Not like he was broken or damaged (which he was), and not like he was something to be controlled or a thing to be used (like he used to be). But just like he was cared for. Maybe even loved.
…it feels like we’ve been moving towards…something - that line ran through Jim’s head and made his heart skip a beat. He’d hardly allowed himself to hope that Bones was feeling the same…and then he said he was. It felt like…more than he deserved. And Bones deserved more. If he was going to open his life and heart to Jim, he had to know more than what he’d shared so far.
He deserved to know everything.
And Jim decided he was going to tell him.
FRIDAY - JANUARY 15
Jim had decided to tell Bones everything - but he knew it wouldn’t be an easy conversation, and it wasn’t something that he could just discuss over lunch one day either. It was almost a week before Jim had the nerve - and they both had the time.
In that time, though, they’d stayed close - gently nurturing this new thing between them. Bones had invited Jim to sleep with him whenever he wanted, and Jim gratefully accepted. Because even though he was still plagued by nightmares, he slept better when they were together. And that time they spent in bed together…not doing anything but holding each other, and once, after a particularly bad one, Leonard had gently kissed him, and Jim found himself responding. It was the best thing Jim ever felt, and he held Leonard to him almost desperately.
But Bones had gently disengaged. “Not yet,” he’d murmured. He’d smiled a little, drawing his fingers through Jim’s hair tenderly. “Not until you’re ready.”
Jim hummed in agreement, and closed his eyes again and Bones drew him closer.
Comforted by the memory of that quiet night, Jim found it a little easier to suggest they go up to the roof to talk, and for the first time, Jim told him the whole story.
Leo did his best to keep his face impassive as Jim told him how Gary had come into his life…a friend of one of the boys in one of the many foster families he’d been part of who’d taken a liking to him. When he aged out of the system at 18, he found himself with a lot ambition, a lot of intelligence, a university acceptance, and no money.
“Gary let me live with him…and before I knew it, we were together. And I was stuck. He controlled everything…paid for my books and other things I couldn’t afford because of tuition. He reminded me constantly that I wouldn’t have anything without him, and he was right. And everything was…okay…for a long time. Not great, but not bad. Until…until he thought I was trying to pull away. And then it wasn’t.”
SATURDAY - JANUARY 16
**Please note, this part has some graphic depictions of domestic violence between partners**
Jim paused, and tried to put his thoughts in order.
“Gary was…very possessive. And at first, I liked it. I liked not having to worry about things…having someone take care of me. I hadn’t had that very much,” he admitted softly. “I didn’t realize it right away, but taking care of me meant controlling me.”
“What made you realize that?” Leo asked quietly.
“I didn’t. Not for a long time. I remember the first time he…hit me,” Jim said, his hands tightening. “My shift at the store where I worked got extended and I didn’t have time to call, and when I got home, Gary was furious. He said I was inconsiderate and thoughtless and irresponsible - how easy would it have been to call him and let him know I was going to be late? - and he shoved me, then smacked me. And…I could see his point. I had been thoughtless. So, I apologized, and he held me and apologized for losing his temper. And he hadn’t really hurt me, so I forgave him.”
Jim swallowed, and glanced up, briefly meeting Bones’ eyes before looking away again. “I realize now that’s how he controlled me. Everything was my fault, and I believed it. It was easy to believe it - when I was a kid, no family ever kept me for long, and I thought it was my fault. That Gary would keep me, even when I was so stupid, or did something so thoughtless…I just….” He shrugged. “I thought it was me. He would say, ‘You make me so crazy Jim - why can’t you understand?’ or, ‘Why do you make me do this?’ And, I would apologize.”
He told Leonard about Gary’s temper, and the way he’d fly off the handle, and how Jim spent so much time trying to stop that from happening. And then he’d lost his job, because Gary kept calling and cutting his hours back, and when he’d lost his job he couldn’t afford tuition.
“I had no money, and no way out,” Jim said. “And all the time, things were getting worse. Gary would throw things, if I didn’t cook dinner right or something, he’d scream at me. It got so all I wanted to do every day was just keep the peace, and I’d try so hard to do that. But nothing I did was good enough.”
Leo wanted to scream. He felt like his blood pressure was through the roof as he forced himself to not show how intensely angry he was. To see Jim sitting before him now, bowed by the weight of his story, eyes on the ground, and to know that Gary had beaten him down emotionally until he was a shadow of the person he should’ve been was maddening, and so, so sad.
“But something happened that made you decide to leave,” he said, willing his voice to be steady. “What was it?”
Jim let out a small laugh. “I got in a car accident, with Gary’s car. It wasn’t my fault, and no one was seriously injured, but the car was totaled. I was bruised and banged up and sore, and when we finally got home, he threw a screaming fit for hours over it, blamed me for using the car, he shattered a glass in the kitchen that cut my leg…and seeing the blood seemed to snap him out of it. He…he knelt in front of me, crying. Cleaned and bandaged my leg, said again and again he was so afraid of losing me, and then he…took me to bed. I was hurting and didn’t want to do anything, but he ignored me…he always ignored me. And…he hurt me that night, the whole time whispering in my ear how much he loved me and I was his, and he was never going to let me go. And I was just lying there, biting my lip to keep quiet, and I just remember thinking, “if you loved me, you wouldn’t hurt me.” And that…that’s when I decided to leave.”
His heart breaking for Jim, Leonard reached out to pull him into a hug.
“I’m so, so glad you did,” he whispered.
Jim was shaking in his arms, pressing his face to Leonard’s shoulder, and he was holding on so tightly. Leonard just let him, staying quiet and holding him just as tightly. Jim deserved so much more than what his life had been like so far. And Leonard was going to make sure he got it, for as long as Jim would let him.
After a while, with the night darkening around them, Jim seemed to calm, and let Bones go. He sniffed and wiped his hand across his eyes, head bowed.
Leonard still had a lot of questions, but now was not the time. Now was the time to focus on what Jim needed in the wake of his most vulnerable admissions. And though Leonard was not a mental health counselor, Leonard knew that what Jim needed now was his support, and his love.
And he had both for him.
SUNDAY - JANUARY 17
Jim had let his hair grow out again, as well as a bit of a beard, and Leonard couldn’t help but smile every time he looked at him. This look suited him.
Leonard brushed a kiss against his temple as he headed into the kitchen.
“Good morning,” he said. “You look good. Nervous?”
Jim smiled at him, the tousled bed-head he was sporting so endearing. He thought for a second before answering, really taking stock of how he felt. “No,” he said. “Not nervous. Excited.”
Leonard smiled at him over the counter. “I’m excited for you.”
Today, Jim was starting classes at the university. His education, which had been interrupted, was starting up again. It was a big step, and one they’d been working towards for a while now. It was something Jim very much wanted - he felt it was an excellent way to put the money from his mother’s life insurance to use. Another good way. The first was getting out and starting a new life. When he turned 22, that money became available to him, and it was something he’d (wisely) kept from Gary.
His mother had provided him with a way to freedom, years after her death. And now she was going to provide him with a way to make that freedom worthwhile.
Jim watched as Leonard prepared breakfast for them both, marveling at the fact that he wasn’t nervous. It wasn’t so long ago that leaving the apartment building they’d been living him at the time was enough to send him to the brink of panic. But Bones had done so much to help him know that he was safe, including moving. He’d gone through the trouble of applying to many different hospitals across the country, and had finally found one. And that move…that seemed to open a whole new world for Jim.
Starting again - this time with someone who loved him so unconditionally as to uproot his whole world and start over - helped him realize his worth, and did a lot to build up confidence that had been taken away from him.
“Hey,” Jim said suddenly, cutting Bones off mid-sentence. He looked at Jim, eyebrows raised. “I love you.”
Leonard smiled, his eyes shining with happiness. “I love you, too.”
And this, Jim knew, this is what life was supposed to be. This was his life, after.