Fic: Becoming Our Own, Part 13 - in TBoPE 'verse
Title: Becoming Our Own, Part 13
Author: Caera1996
Rating for this Part: PG
W/C: 4,377
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Timeline Notes: A third anchor story (novel-length) in TBoPE/LAWG ‘verse. Set five years after the end of “Learning As We Go,” about four months before “No Good Deed”. So sorry for the long wait between parts. Life got busy.
This Part: Bones needs Jim to help him through the exam to figure out what’s wrong, and Jim struggles to keep his own fear in check. Eventually, he realizes that focusing on his family helps to keep him calm.
Jim was so concerned about Bones that the initial rush of cold air, carrying that plastic hospital smell, hardly phased him at all. In the past, that alone was enough to send him into a tailspin of panic. Bones leaned heavily on Jim, the pain in his gut making it hard to stand upright. At the Emergency Room reception, Jim showed Leonard’s hospital badge, and they were quickly and quietly ushered into the back and into an exam bay. Jim was exceedingly grateful for that extra consideration.
A nurse helped Jim maneuver Leonard onto the bed and change into a hospital gown, and a PA came in right away.
“I’m sorry you’re not feeling well, Dr. McCoy,” she said. “We’ll get you fixed up as soon as we can. Can you tell me what’s going on?”
Leonard spent a few minutes answering questions about what he was experiencing, while Jim stood nearby, nervously chewing at a nail. He felt jumpy and nervous, his heart beating faster than normal in his chest. As he listened to Leonard and the PA, and watched with wide eyes as his vitals were taken, blood drawn, and an IV started, Jim tried to run through some of the exercises that Chris Pike had taught him, keeping the panic under control and at bay. He could feel it though…like looking over the edge of an immense height…one move in the wrong direction and he’d fall over that edge.
When the PA was done collecting information, Jim moved back to Leonard’s side, taking his hand and gently wiping the sweat from his forehead, his hands shaking. And even though Leonard felt like shit and was still in pain, he noticed.
“Hey,” he said, reaching for and squeezing his hand. “You okay?”
Embarrassed that Bones felt he had to worry about him even now, Jim took a breath and put a small smile on his face. “I’m fine. How’re you?”
Bones held his gaze for a moment, before closing his eyes and putting his head back down. “I feel like crap. And I’m glad you’re here.”
Hating to see Bones still in so much distress, Jim asked, “Can he get some pain relief? He’s been hurting for hours.”
“Yes, we’ll make you more comfortable, Dr. McCoy. We just need the doctor to look at you first.”
“Not some first year resident,” Jim said, echoing Leonard’s unspoken preference.
“No…I called the attending. He’ll be right over. Just try to relax.” She looked at Jim, and pushed a rolling stool towards him. “Why don’t you take a seat. You look a little pale. Do you feel sick too?”
“Jim…can you get me a blanket? These damn hospital gowns don’t cover enough,” Leonard said, wanting to distract him.
“Sure…one sec.”
He left Bones and stepped out of the little room they’d been assigned. Jim pulled a blanket off of a rack he’d seen on the way in and brought it back in. When he returned, the PA excused herself, promising they’d be right with them, and left their little area.
“Thanks,” Bones said as Jim unfolded the blanket over him and tucked it around his feet and up to his chest. “That’s a lot better.”
“No problem,” he murmured. He sat down next to Bones, watching him deal with feeling so sick and hurting so much. This - watching helplessly like this - was even worse than being a patient.
Bones couldn’t get comfortable, the pain in his gut making him want to curl up. And all Jim could do was be there and hold him and card his fingers through his hair, and though Jim felt like none of it was enough, Leonard appreciated every single gesture of care Jim made. Just when Jim’s patience was at its end and he was two seconds from stepping out of the room to find the doctor, the door opened and a doctor came in, followed by the PA who’d been with them before.
“Hi there…I’m Dr. Soretz,” he said without looking up from the chart he was reading. “And you are..oh…” He raised his eyes from the paperwork and looked at the patient for the first time.
“Phil,” Leonard said, recognizing the doctor from a professional workshop for dealing with neurological issues in the E.R. he’d presented a couple of weeks ago. “Not doing too well here.”
“I heard. So sorry you’re not feeling well.” He handed the chart to the PA and reached for a pair of gloves. His eyes landed on Jim.
“Sir, if you could step out so I can examine--”
“This is my partner Jim…he can stay,” Leonard said.
Phil raised his eyebrows, for the first time noticing their linked hands. “Your partner? Don’t you have a little girl?”
Annoyed, Jim rolled his eyes and snapped, “Sick man on the table. Can you get on with it please?”
“Right…sorry. Just took me by surprise.”
Phil was, to Jim’s relief, efficient and professional as he examined Bones, pressing on his abdomen to see where exactly the tenderness was and how severe, and apologizing when he hurt him.
“Okay, if you can pull your underwear down and roll on your side, knees tucked up a bit - I need to just check for internal tenderness.”
Phil turned to the cabinet to get some medical grade lubricant and change his gloves, so he didn’t notice when his patient lost all of the color in his face.
Leonard knew this was coming, but that knowledge did nothing to mitigate the dread he felt in the pit of his stomach. His whole body tensed, and Jim could easily see his distress, and he squeezed his hand.
“Bones,” he said quietly, leaning down to him and holding his gaze. “I can tell him to move on.”
“There a problem?” Phil asked. He stood, waiting to perform the exam. “Would you like some additional privacy? This will only take a second, if you’d like Jim to step out.”
“No,” Leonard said quickly. “He stays. But…”
Flushing uncomfortably, Leonard found Jim’s eyes, and he got it. Bones needed some time.
“Actually, Doctor…could you step out for a minute?” Jim asked. He saw the annoyance flicker across the doctor’s face, and Jim got it. He was in the middle of an exam. But that didn’t change anything. “Please…just a minute.”
“Fine,” he said, snapping off his gloves. “I’ll go put in an order for some pain relief, and I’ll be right back. Okay?”
Leonard nodded, “Thanks,” he said as Phil left the room. The PA hesitated for a minute, then followed him out. Leonard relaxed slightly, and closed his eyes in relief. He felt Jim encircle him with an arm and he held on, taking comfort from that contact.
“Be right back,” Jim said after a moment. He had an idea of what might help a little. He stepped just outside the room and grabbed another three or four of those hospital blankets. Coming back to Leonard’s side, he waited as he worked his underwear down to his knees and then turned on his side. Jim piled blankets on him, hoping that their presence would make him feel less exposed.
Leonard clutched the pillow he was laying on, and stared at the wall of cabinets across from him. “I don’t know if I can do this,” he said quietly. Jim finished draping him with blankets and came back around, taking a seat on the stool and leaning down to meet his eyes.
“I think you can,” he said. He gently wiped Leonard’s forehead with the back of his hand, then tenderly pushed his fingers through his thick hair, pushing it off of his forehead. “I think you can, and I’ll be right here. But if you decide to skip this part, that’s fine too.”
Leonard let out a long, shuddering breath. “I feel so bad right now,” he admitted. “This is the last thing I want to deal with.”
“Oh, I know, my poor Bones. I’m so sorry you feel like this.”
“Okay, we ready?” Phil asked as he came back into the room followed by the PA.
Bones’ grip on Jim tightened, and he made himself answer. “Yes.”
Phil noticed the extra blankets, and could see the way Leonard was gripping the other man, and he wondered at that. It was…unusual…for another doctor to find a simple DRE so distressing. He donned another pair of gloves and the P.A. squeezed a measure of lube onto his fingers.
“Okay, so, I’m just going to gently insert my finger into your anus and push. Normally this is painless. If you feel any discomfort, let me know. Now, just take a deep breath, relax your muscles, and push out like you’re having a bowel movement.”
Tense, Leonard jumped when he felt the doctor’s fingers against him, and he couldn’t relax, his body clenching in response. “Come on, relax for me…this should be easy for you.”
Jim’s gaze, which had been focused on Bones’ face, snapped to the doctor, and Soretz could easily see the anger there. Jim just shook his head. Un-fucking-believable!
Phil realized right away that he’d been completely inappropriate. “I - I mean, you being a doctor and all,” he stammered, backpedaling.
Holding on to Jim, breathing and trying to make himself relax, Leonard really didn’t register any of it. Rolling his eyes, Jim leaned down and encircled Bones in his arms.
“It’s okay, Bones…just breathe and hold on to me,” he said quietly. “You’re doing so good…just let yourself be loose, and it’ll be done in a second.”
Listening to Jim, clutching his arms and pressing his face against him, he managed to relax enough that Phil was able to complete the exam. The sense of relief he felt when it was over took his breath away, and he was covered in sweat and felt a little shaky. It was a minute before he could get hold of himself enough to let Jim go.
Phil handed Leonard some paper towels removed his gloves. He turned his back to give the patient some privacy to clean himself off and rearrange his clothes. There was no additional pain or discomfort, and he didn’t feel anything abnormal. He was starting to get an idea of what it could be.
“So,” he said. “I think it might be…”
“Diverticulitis,” Leonard said through gritted teeth as he struggled to pull his underwear back up under the blankets.
“Yup.” Soretz confirmed.
“Runs in my family.”
“I saw that in your history,” Phil said. “So you know the concern is a perforation, so we’ll admit you and run some additional tests. Personally I don’t think you’re perfed - your temp’s not high enough for that. More than likely, you’ll just need a course of IV antibiotics to clear it up.”
“What’s diverticulitis?” Jim asked, concern heavy in his voice. “It’s not serious is it?”
“Pockets in the intestines get infected and that inflammation causes some intense pain, and it’s often worse after you eat. It can be serious, but I don’t think it will be for Leonard. He was smart and didn’t wait long to come in. I’m going to admit you, and someone will come down for you for some additional testing right away, and we’ll start you on some pain relief now, too.”
Jim looked at Leonard in concern as the doctor left. He’d been in pain for at least a whole day, and felt sick for at least two. How much worse could this condition get?
Leonard read Jim’s expression and squeezed the hand that he was still holding. “I’ll be fine, Jim. Really. I hurt and I feel like crap, but diverticulitis is common and not all that big a deal. Ma had a couple of flare-ups, and so have her sister and Katie.”
Leonard finally got some pain relief that seemed to help - or at least make him drowsy - right away. They only had to wait in the E.R. bay a few more minutes before Leonard was admitted, and an orderly dressed in blue scrubs came to get him, pushing his bed out of the room and into the hospital for a CT scan for a more definitive diagnosis while they waited for the blood tests to come back.
“Sir, you can wait in the family area,” he said, as Jim followed them out.
“I’ll be fine, Jim. Don’t worry about me,” Leonard said. He was trying to focus, knew Jim would be worried if not downright panicked as he was left behind. But he was tired, and in pain, and the meds he’d been given were starting to make everything fuzzy.
“Wait!” Jim said, clutching Leonard’s clothes. “What…”
“Sir, you can go to the family waiting room, if you want,” one of the nurses said. “He’s going for a CT, and when he’s done you can meet him in his room.” She stood in front of him, blocking him from following Bones through a “Restricted Access” door. Jim looked over her shoulder, simultaneously feeling a confusing mix of panicky and relieved that Bones was being taken care of, and stupid at how nervous he was, all at the same time. In the end, though, panic won.
It was getting harder to breathe, and he was overcome by a sense of dread that crashed over him like a wave on the shore. His mouth went completely dry and his heart pounded so hard he could feel it in his throat. His knees felt like water, and suddenly he was sure he was never going to see Bones again.
“Sir, are you all right?”
The nurse’s voice seemed a mile away, and the edges of Jim’s vision started to get a little fuzzy as his carefully constructed wall crumbled. Tears filled his eyes as his heart hammered in his chest. Gasping, starting to shake, he ignored everyone and everything, turned on his heel and bolted - desperate to be outside so he could breathe.
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In Janie’s dark and quiet room, Joanna turned over again and sighed. She’d slept on the trundle bed so many times over the last five years, but tonight sleep was just not coming. She was too worried and too restless. She turned again, flipping her pillow over to the cool side. All she could see when she closed her eyes was her father’s pained expression and the fear on Oide’s face.
Finally giving up, Joanna threw the blanket off of her, and in the dim ambient light from outside the window, Jo stood up from the trundle bed that had been “hers” since she was a little girl and that first sleepover. She carefully made her way to her backpack and quietly pulled out the book she was reading. She slipped out of the room, closing the door softly behind her. Tiptoeing down the darkened hall, she was as familiar with this house as she was with her own, and had no trouble navigating the stairs.
In the family room Jo snapped on an end table light and curled up in the corner of the couch. She tried to read, but she found that she couldn’t concentrate on the story. She sighed and let the book rest against her chest…and the next thing she knew, her eyes were welling with tears. She blinked and they fell down her cheeks to darken in round spots on the pages of her book.
Feeling small and alone, and scared in a way that she didn’t really understand but couldn’t shake, Jo curled up in the corner of the sofa and cried as quietly as she could.
Upstairs, Aurelan was prodding Sam. “Come down with me,” she said.
Sam rolled over and gave his wife a kiss. “You’re the one who wants ice cream. Why do I have to get up?”
Aurelan pushed herself up, and stood, the sight of her huge belly making Sam smile. “You have to get up,” Aurelan said, “because you are a smart enough man to know what’s good for you.”
Sam chuckled and sat up. “Well, you’re right about that. C’mon love.”
They headed out of their room and Sam turned the hallway light on. He didn’t want his wife negotiating the stairs in the dark.
“Did you leave a light on?” Aurelan asked, noticing light coming from the family room.
“No…”
“Oh, it’s Jo…Jo, honey?”
Joanna wiped her eyes and kept her face averted, embarrassed at being caught like this.
“I’m sorry….I just couldn’t sleep…”
Aurelan squeezed Sam’s hand, and he headed to the kitchen, knowing that Jo was more comfortable with his wife. She sat on the couch next to her.
“It’s okay, sweetie. I’m sorry you’re so upset. Come here.” She put her arm around her and Jo leaned into her, embarrassed but needing the comfort. Aurelan held her, resting her cheek on her head. “Just let it out, Jo. You worried about your dad?”
“Y-yeah,” she admitted. She took the tissues that Aurelan pulled from the box on the side table and wiped her face and nose. “It’s just…I know I have Oide and you guys, but m-my dad is the only one I have…and I don’t know what’s wrong…and…”
Aurelan’s heart went out to her. As smart as she was, it was easy to forget that she was also just a little girl. And all she knew was her father was sick enough to go to the hospital. It was no wonder that she was upset. “Oh, I know, honey. I understand. And you know what? I’m sure Jim hasn’t called because he’s still just with your dad and he hasn’t had a chance. So we’re going to give him a call and see what’s up. Okay?”
Joanna nodded. “Okay,” she said.
Sam, who’d been listening, had already dialed his brother’s cell and was waiting for him to pick up.
Jim was leaning against a wall outside the hospital, his legs shaking and still trying to breathe without gasping when his phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket and fumbled it, wincing as it fell to the sidewalk, still ringing. Bending to pick it up, he glanced at the screen. Sam. He’d call him back.
Taking a deep breath, Jim let it out slowly and tried to get his heart to stop pounding. He kept going in circles in his head, trapped in the panicky thoughts of needing Bones, only to land right back on what had him so panicked in the first place - Bones couldn’t help him now.
His phone buzzed in his hand, indicating a text message. Wiping his eyes, he looked at the screen.
Jo’s upset and wants to know what’s going on. Call please.
Surprised to see how late it was, Jim felt like kicking himself. They’d both promised they would call to let her know what was up, and he’d been so wrapped up in himself that he’d forgotten. He had to pull himself together, and he found that focusing on what Jo needed helped. Waiting until he was sure his voice was steady, he called his brother’s phone back.
“Hey Sam. Sorry…I don’t get good reception in the hospital. Is she okay?”
”She was pretty upset, but she’s calmed down now. I know she’ll feel better once she hears from you. How’s Len?”
“They think it’s diverticulitis - an infection in his small intestine. They were taking him for a CT.”
”Wow, is that serious?”
Jim sighed. “Apparently it can be, but Bones said his mom and other relatives have had it, and as long as it’s caught early - and it was - it’s not that big a deal.”
”Okay, well, are you okay? You sound a little…”
“I’m fine, just tired. And…a little worried,” he admitted. “But no one here is acting like there’s anything to really be worried about.”
”Well, I’m sure everything will be fine, but I totally get it. I won’t keep you…I’m sure you want to get back to him…so let me get you Jo.”
Jim could hear Sam talking in the background as the phone was passed to another person, then: ”Oide?”
“Hey, Jo…I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier sweetie…”
Jim spent the next few minutes reassuring Jo, explaining what was wrong and that it was easy to fix, and he found the more he helped her calm down, the more calm he felt.
”Can I talk to him?” Jo asked.
Jim hesitated, remembering that the pain medication he’d been given worked quickly and made him tired. “Well, he may already be sleeping, but…I can maybe take a picture to show you he’s doing fine. Would that be okay?”
”Yeah. I’ll wait for you,” Jo said.
“Okay, sweetie. I’m outside, so it’ll be a few minutes. Love you.”
”Love you too, Oide. Bye.”
They hung up and Jim took another deep breath that shuddered a little in his chest. Now that the panic attack was over, he felt embarrassed by his reaction, which he knew was completely over the top. It was humiliating that this was still a problem for him, and he was glad that Bones hadn’t seen it. He was the one who was supposed to be comforting and helpful right now, and here he was, cowering outside.
But he felt in control now, and he had promise to fulfill for Jo.
He re-entered the hospital, and headed back to the E.R. He had no idea where Bones was right now. Hoping to avoid the nurse who’d witnessed him spiraling into a panic attack, he went to the far end of the nurses’ station and spoke quietly with one of the women sitting at the computer there.
Moments later, armed with the room number Bones would be in if the CT was complete, he followed the directions she’d given him and took the elevator to the proper floor. It was relatively quiet this time of night, visiting hours long over. Jim was permitted to stay because of Leonard’s position as a staff physician. They’d made sure of that right away.
Jim found Bones’ assigned room. The door was open, and he could hear quiet voices coming from inside.
“You must be Jim…he’s been asking for you,” the nurse said.
“Jim…you stayed,” Leonard said quietly, forcing his eyes open. Jim went to his side, taking his hand and looking him over.
“Of course I stayed. Have you been here long?”
“Nope, we just got here,” the nurse replied for him. “I’m Susannah, and I’ll be his nurse tonight. Are you staying here Jim? I can call for a cot.”
“Uh, yeah…that’d be great, thank you.”
“No problem. Dr. McCoy is on some pretty potent medication, so he should sleep soundly tonight. Water pitcher is full - pillows and an extra blanket are in the closet. I’ll be in a couple of times tonight to check on him, but I’ll be as quiet as possible. Use the call button if you need anything.”
She left and Jim turned his attention back to Bones. “How are you?” he whispered, leaning down to brush his lips against him softly.
“I feel better…really tired. Should have all the test results back tomorrow, but I think I’ll be able to go home after the antibiotics. Talk to Jo?”
Jim hesitated, wondering how much to say. Bones was barely hanging on to consciousness, and he was slurring his words - obviously an effect of the pain meds. In the end, Jim decided that there was no reason to say anything to upset or worry him.
“Yes, she’s fine,” he said, opting for a half-truth. “You just relax and sleep.” Jim said quietly. He turned off the light over Bones’ bed and gently drew his fingers through his hair. He did look better…not as pale, relaxed, the lines of pain that had decorated his face earlier gone.
“Don’ hafta stay, Jim,” Leonard murmured, nearly asleep.
“Oh, shush. Of course I’m gonna stay,” Jim replied.
“Mm…good.”
Leonard didn’t say anything else, and his breathing evened out and got deeper. Quietly, Jim pulled out his phone and took a quick picture. He studied it for a moment. Bones looked completely relaxed and sound asleep, as if nothing was wrong.
Jo, your dad is doing fine. He’s got the medicine he needs and feels much more comfortable and is sleeping easily. We’ll give you a call tomorrow. Love you, sweetie.
He sent the picture and message to her, and a few seconds later his phone buzzed with a response.
Thank you Oide. Talk to you tomorrow. Give Daddy a kiss for me and tell him I love him. Love you too.
Jim hoped that Jo would settle and be able to sleep now, and he felt the guilty pull of a parent who was torn about leaving his child, knowing she’d been upset. But he also trusted his brother and sister-in-law to be able to help her if she needed any more comforting…and he was honest enough to admit that staying with Bones was a selfish thing, too.
The cot was brought in for him, and he spent a few minutes arranging blankets and stripping down to his boxers and t-shirt. He was exhausted, and though the cot didn’t look all that comfortable, he was pretty sure he would be able to fall asleep easily.
“Hey.”
Jim turned to Bones, surprised to hear him.
“Hey,” he said, dropping the blanket and coming back around to him. “You okay? Do you need anything?”
Bones looked over at the cot, then up at Jim. “You weren’t really planning on sleeping down there, were you?”
Jim smiled slightly, smoothing his hair down with little strokes. “Well, you were sound asleep. I didn’t want to wake you.”
“You didn’t. I have to use the bathroom. Can you…?”
“Yeah, one sec.”
Jim helped him maneuver around the room with the IV pole and he waited while Bones relieved himself then washed his hands. When he was finished, they made their way back to the bed. Bones got in first and Jim helped him arrange everything - blankets, IV tubes, bed controllers - and then he lay down too. Bones turned on his side into Jim, resting his head on Jim’s chest. Jim pulled the blanket over them both, then wrapped an arm around Bones’ shoulders, holding him tenderly.
“Much better,” Bones sighed.
Silently, Jim agreed.
Author: Caera1996
Rating for this Part: PG
W/C: 4,377
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Timeline Notes: A third anchor story (novel-length) in TBoPE/LAWG ‘verse. Set five years after the end of “Learning As We Go,” about four months before “No Good Deed”. So sorry for the long wait between parts. Life got busy.
This Part: Bones needs Jim to help him through the exam to figure out what’s wrong, and Jim struggles to keep his own fear in check. Eventually, he realizes that focusing on his family helps to keep him calm.
Jim was so concerned about Bones that the initial rush of cold air, carrying that plastic hospital smell, hardly phased him at all. In the past, that alone was enough to send him into a tailspin of panic. Bones leaned heavily on Jim, the pain in his gut making it hard to stand upright. At the Emergency Room reception, Jim showed Leonard’s hospital badge, and they were quickly and quietly ushered into the back and into an exam bay. Jim was exceedingly grateful for that extra consideration.
A nurse helped Jim maneuver Leonard onto the bed and change into a hospital gown, and a PA came in right away.
“I’m sorry you’re not feeling well, Dr. McCoy,” she said. “We’ll get you fixed up as soon as we can. Can you tell me what’s going on?”
Leonard spent a few minutes answering questions about what he was experiencing, while Jim stood nearby, nervously chewing at a nail. He felt jumpy and nervous, his heart beating faster than normal in his chest. As he listened to Leonard and the PA, and watched with wide eyes as his vitals were taken, blood drawn, and an IV started, Jim tried to run through some of the exercises that Chris Pike had taught him, keeping the panic under control and at bay. He could feel it though…like looking over the edge of an immense height…one move in the wrong direction and he’d fall over that edge.
When the PA was done collecting information, Jim moved back to Leonard’s side, taking his hand and gently wiping the sweat from his forehead, his hands shaking. And even though Leonard felt like shit and was still in pain, he noticed.
“Hey,” he said, reaching for and squeezing his hand. “You okay?”
Embarrassed that Bones felt he had to worry about him even now, Jim took a breath and put a small smile on his face. “I’m fine. How’re you?”
Bones held his gaze for a moment, before closing his eyes and putting his head back down. “I feel like crap. And I’m glad you’re here.”
Hating to see Bones still in so much distress, Jim asked, “Can he get some pain relief? He’s been hurting for hours.”
“Yes, we’ll make you more comfortable, Dr. McCoy. We just need the doctor to look at you first.”
“Not some first year resident,” Jim said, echoing Leonard’s unspoken preference.
“No…I called the attending. He’ll be right over. Just try to relax.” She looked at Jim, and pushed a rolling stool towards him. “Why don’t you take a seat. You look a little pale. Do you feel sick too?”
“Jim…can you get me a blanket? These damn hospital gowns don’t cover enough,” Leonard said, wanting to distract him.
“Sure…one sec.”
He left Bones and stepped out of the little room they’d been assigned. Jim pulled a blanket off of a rack he’d seen on the way in and brought it back in. When he returned, the PA excused herself, promising they’d be right with them, and left their little area.
“Thanks,” Bones said as Jim unfolded the blanket over him and tucked it around his feet and up to his chest. “That’s a lot better.”
“No problem,” he murmured. He sat down next to Bones, watching him deal with feeling so sick and hurting so much. This - watching helplessly like this - was even worse than being a patient.
Bones couldn’t get comfortable, the pain in his gut making him want to curl up. And all Jim could do was be there and hold him and card his fingers through his hair, and though Jim felt like none of it was enough, Leonard appreciated every single gesture of care Jim made. Just when Jim’s patience was at its end and he was two seconds from stepping out of the room to find the doctor, the door opened and a doctor came in, followed by the PA who’d been with them before.
“Hi there…I’m Dr. Soretz,” he said without looking up from the chart he was reading. “And you are..oh…” He raised his eyes from the paperwork and looked at the patient for the first time.
“Phil,” Leonard said, recognizing the doctor from a professional workshop for dealing with neurological issues in the E.R. he’d presented a couple of weeks ago. “Not doing too well here.”
“I heard. So sorry you’re not feeling well.” He handed the chart to the PA and reached for a pair of gloves. His eyes landed on Jim.
“Sir, if you could step out so I can examine--”
“This is my partner Jim…he can stay,” Leonard said.
Phil raised his eyebrows, for the first time noticing their linked hands. “Your partner? Don’t you have a little girl?”
Annoyed, Jim rolled his eyes and snapped, “Sick man on the table. Can you get on with it please?”
“Right…sorry. Just took me by surprise.”
Phil was, to Jim’s relief, efficient and professional as he examined Bones, pressing on his abdomen to see where exactly the tenderness was and how severe, and apologizing when he hurt him.
“Okay, if you can pull your underwear down and roll on your side, knees tucked up a bit - I need to just check for internal tenderness.”
Phil turned to the cabinet to get some medical grade lubricant and change his gloves, so he didn’t notice when his patient lost all of the color in his face.
Leonard knew this was coming, but that knowledge did nothing to mitigate the dread he felt in the pit of his stomach. His whole body tensed, and Jim could easily see his distress, and he squeezed his hand.
“Bones,” he said quietly, leaning down to him and holding his gaze. “I can tell him to move on.”
“There a problem?” Phil asked. He stood, waiting to perform the exam. “Would you like some additional privacy? This will only take a second, if you’d like Jim to step out.”
“No,” Leonard said quickly. “He stays. But…”
Flushing uncomfortably, Leonard found Jim’s eyes, and he got it. Bones needed some time.
“Actually, Doctor…could you step out for a minute?” Jim asked. He saw the annoyance flicker across the doctor’s face, and Jim got it. He was in the middle of an exam. But that didn’t change anything. “Please…just a minute.”
“Fine,” he said, snapping off his gloves. “I’ll go put in an order for some pain relief, and I’ll be right back. Okay?”
Leonard nodded, “Thanks,” he said as Phil left the room. The PA hesitated for a minute, then followed him out. Leonard relaxed slightly, and closed his eyes in relief. He felt Jim encircle him with an arm and he held on, taking comfort from that contact.
“Be right back,” Jim said after a moment. He had an idea of what might help a little. He stepped just outside the room and grabbed another three or four of those hospital blankets. Coming back to Leonard’s side, he waited as he worked his underwear down to his knees and then turned on his side. Jim piled blankets on him, hoping that their presence would make him feel less exposed.
Leonard clutched the pillow he was laying on, and stared at the wall of cabinets across from him. “I don’t know if I can do this,” he said quietly. Jim finished draping him with blankets and came back around, taking a seat on the stool and leaning down to meet his eyes.
“I think you can,” he said. He gently wiped Leonard’s forehead with the back of his hand, then tenderly pushed his fingers through his thick hair, pushing it off of his forehead. “I think you can, and I’ll be right here. But if you decide to skip this part, that’s fine too.”
Leonard let out a long, shuddering breath. “I feel so bad right now,” he admitted. “This is the last thing I want to deal with.”
“Oh, I know, my poor Bones. I’m so sorry you feel like this.”
“Okay, we ready?” Phil asked as he came back into the room followed by the PA.
Bones’ grip on Jim tightened, and he made himself answer. “Yes.”
Phil noticed the extra blankets, and could see the way Leonard was gripping the other man, and he wondered at that. It was…unusual…for another doctor to find a simple DRE so distressing. He donned another pair of gloves and the P.A. squeezed a measure of lube onto his fingers.
“Okay, so, I’m just going to gently insert my finger into your anus and push. Normally this is painless. If you feel any discomfort, let me know. Now, just take a deep breath, relax your muscles, and push out like you’re having a bowel movement.”
Tense, Leonard jumped when he felt the doctor’s fingers against him, and he couldn’t relax, his body clenching in response. “Come on, relax for me…this should be easy for you.”
Jim’s gaze, which had been focused on Bones’ face, snapped to the doctor, and Soretz could easily see the anger there. Jim just shook his head. Un-fucking-believable!
Phil realized right away that he’d been completely inappropriate. “I - I mean, you being a doctor and all,” he stammered, backpedaling.
Holding on to Jim, breathing and trying to make himself relax, Leonard really didn’t register any of it. Rolling his eyes, Jim leaned down and encircled Bones in his arms.
“It’s okay, Bones…just breathe and hold on to me,” he said quietly. “You’re doing so good…just let yourself be loose, and it’ll be done in a second.”
Listening to Jim, clutching his arms and pressing his face against him, he managed to relax enough that Phil was able to complete the exam. The sense of relief he felt when it was over took his breath away, and he was covered in sweat and felt a little shaky. It was a minute before he could get hold of himself enough to let Jim go.
Phil handed Leonard some paper towels removed his gloves. He turned his back to give the patient some privacy to clean himself off and rearrange his clothes. There was no additional pain or discomfort, and he didn’t feel anything abnormal. He was starting to get an idea of what it could be.
“So,” he said. “I think it might be…”
“Diverticulitis,” Leonard said through gritted teeth as he struggled to pull his underwear back up under the blankets.
“Yup.” Soretz confirmed.
“Runs in my family.”
“I saw that in your history,” Phil said. “So you know the concern is a perforation, so we’ll admit you and run some additional tests. Personally I don’t think you’re perfed - your temp’s not high enough for that. More than likely, you’ll just need a course of IV antibiotics to clear it up.”
“What’s diverticulitis?” Jim asked, concern heavy in his voice. “It’s not serious is it?”
“Pockets in the intestines get infected and that inflammation causes some intense pain, and it’s often worse after you eat. It can be serious, but I don’t think it will be for Leonard. He was smart and didn’t wait long to come in. I’m going to admit you, and someone will come down for you for some additional testing right away, and we’ll start you on some pain relief now, too.”
Jim looked at Leonard in concern as the doctor left. He’d been in pain for at least a whole day, and felt sick for at least two. How much worse could this condition get?
Leonard read Jim’s expression and squeezed the hand that he was still holding. “I’ll be fine, Jim. Really. I hurt and I feel like crap, but diverticulitis is common and not all that big a deal. Ma had a couple of flare-ups, and so have her sister and Katie.”
Leonard finally got some pain relief that seemed to help - or at least make him drowsy - right away. They only had to wait in the E.R. bay a few more minutes before Leonard was admitted, and an orderly dressed in blue scrubs came to get him, pushing his bed out of the room and into the hospital for a CT scan for a more definitive diagnosis while they waited for the blood tests to come back.
“Sir, you can wait in the family area,” he said, as Jim followed them out.
“I’ll be fine, Jim. Don’t worry about me,” Leonard said. He was trying to focus, knew Jim would be worried if not downright panicked as he was left behind. But he was tired, and in pain, and the meds he’d been given were starting to make everything fuzzy.
“Wait!” Jim said, clutching Leonard’s clothes. “What…”
“Sir, you can go to the family waiting room, if you want,” one of the nurses said. “He’s going for a CT, and when he’s done you can meet him in his room.” She stood in front of him, blocking him from following Bones through a “Restricted Access” door. Jim looked over her shoulder, simultaneously feeling a confusing mix of panicky and relieved that Bones was being taken care of, and stupid at how nervous he was, all at the same time. In the end, though, panic won.
It was getting harder to breathe, and he was overcome by a sense of dread that crashed over him like a wave on the shore. His mouth went completely dry and his heart pounded so hard he could feel it in his throat. His knees felt like water, and suddenly he was sure he was never going to see Bones again.
“Sir, are you all right?”
The nurse’s voice seemed a mile away, and the edges of Jim’s vision started to get a little fuzzy as his carefully constructed wall crumbled. Tears filled his eyes as his heart hammered in his chest. Gasping, starting to shake, he ignored everyone and everything, turned on his heel and bolted - desperate to be outside so he could breathe.
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In Janie’s dark and quiet room, Joanna turned over again and sighed. She’d slept on the trundle bed so many times over the last five years, but tonight sleep was just not coming. She was too worried and too restless. She turned again, flipping her pillow over to the cool side. All she could see when she closed her eyes was her father’s pained expression and the fear on Oide’s face.
Finally giving up, Joanna threw the blanket off of her, and in the dim ambient light from outside the window, Jo stood up from the trundle bed that had been “hers” since she was a little girl and that first sleepover. She carefully made her way to her backpack and quietly pulled out the book she was reading. She slipped out of the room, closing the door softly behind her. Tiptoeing down the darkened hall, she was as familiar with this house as she was with her own, and had no trouble navigating the stairs.
In the family room Jo snapped on an end table light and curled up in the corner of the couch. She tried to read, but she found that she couldn’t concentrate on the story. She sighed and let the book rest against her chest…and the next thing she knew, her eyes were welling with tears. She blinked and they fell down her cheeks to darken in round spots on the pages of her book.
Feeling small and alone, and scared in a way that she didn’t really understand but couldn’t shake, Jo curled up in the corner of the sofa and cried as quietly as she could.
Upstairs, Aurelan was prodding Sam. “Come down with me,” she said.
Sam rolled over and gave his wife a kiss. “You’re the one who wants ice cream. Why do I have to get up?”
Aurelan pushed herself up, and stood, the sight of her huge belly making Sam smile. “You have to get up,” Aurelan said, “because you are a smart enough man to know what’s good for you.”
Sam chuckled and sat up. “Well, you’re right about that. C’mon love.”
They headed out of their room and Sam turned the hallway light on. He didn’t want his wife negotiating the stairs in the dark.
“Did you leave a light on?” Aurelan asked, noticing light coming from the family room.
“No…”
“Oh, it’s Jo…Jo, honey?”
Joanna wiped her eyes and kept her face averted, embarrassed at being caught like this.
“I’m sorry….I just couldn’t sleep…”
Aurelan squeezed Sam’s hand, and he headed to the kitchen, knowing that Jo was more comfortable with his wife. She sat on the couch next to her.
“It’s okay, sweetie. I’m sorry you’re so upset. Come here.” She put her arm around her and Jo leaned into her, embarrassed but needing the comfort. Aurelan held her, resting her cheek on her head. “Just let it out, Jo. You worried about your dad?”
“Y-yeah,” she admitted. She took the tissues that Aurelan pulled from the box on the side table and wiped her face and nose. “It’s just…I know I have Oide and you guys, but m-my dad is the only one I have…and I don’t know what’s wrong…and…”
Aurelan’s heart went out to her. As smart as she was, it was easy to forget that she was also just a little girl. And all she knew was her father was sick enough to go to the hospital. It was no wonder that she was upset. “Oh, I know, honey. I understand. And you know what? I’m sure Jim hasn’t called because he’s still just with your dad and he hasn’t had a chance. So we’re going to give him a call and see what’s up. Okay?”
Joanna nodded. “Okay,” she said.
Sam, who’d been listening, had already dialed his brother’s cell and was waiting for him to pick up.
Jim was leaning against a wall outside the hospital, his legs shaking and still trying to breathe without gasping when his phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket and fumbled it, wincing as it fell to the sidewalk, still ringing. Bending to pick it up, he glanced at the screen. Sam. He’d call him back.
Taking a deep breath, Jim let it out slowly and tried to get his heart to stop pounding. He kept going in circles in his head, trapped in the panicky thoughts of needing Bones, only to land right back on what had him so panicked in the first place - Bones couldn’t help him now.
His phone buzzed in his hand, indicating a text message. Wiping his eyes, he looked at the screen.
Jo’s upset and wants to know what’s going on. Call please.
Surprised to see how late it was, Jim felt like kicking himself. They’d both promised they would call to let her know what was up, and he’d been so wrapped up in himself that he’d forgotten. He had to pull himself together, and he found that focusing on what Jo needed helped. Waiting until he was sure his voice was steady, he called his brother’s phone back.
“Hey Sam. Sorry…I don’t get good reception in the hospital. Is she okay?”
”She was pretty upset, but she’s calmed down now. I know she’ll feel better once she hears from you. How’s Len?”
“They think it’s diverticulitis - an infection in his small intestine. They were taking him for a CT.”
”Wow, is that serious?”
Jim sighed. “Apparently it can be, but Bones said his mom and other relatives have had it, and as long as it’s caught early - and it was - it’s not that big a deal.”
”Okay, well, are you okay? You sound a little…”
“I’m fine, just tired. And…a little worried,” he admitted. “But no one here is acting like there’s anything to really be worried about.”
”Well, I’m sure everything will be fine, but I totally get it. I won’t keep you…I’m sure you want to get back to him…so let me get you Jo.”
Jim could hear Sam talking in the background as the phone was passed to another person, then: ”Oide?”
“Hey, Jo…I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier sweetie…”
Jim spent the next few minutes reassuring Jo, explaining what was wrong and that it was easy to fix, and he found the more he helped her calm down, the more calm he felt.
”Can I talk to him?” Jo asked.
Jim hesitated, remembering that the pain medication he’d been given worked quickly and made him tired. “Well, he may already be sleeping, but…I can maybe take a picture to show you he’s doing fine. Would that be okay?”
”Yeah. I’ll wait for you,” Jo said.
“Okay, sweetie. I’m outside, so it’ll be a few minutes. Love you.”
”Love you too, Oide. Bye.”
They hung up and Jim took another deep breath that shuddered a little in his chest. Now that the panic attack was over, he felt embarrassed by his reaction, which he knew was completely over the top. It was humiliating that this was still a problem for him, and he was glad that Bones hadn’t seen it. He was the one who was supposed to be comforting and helpful right now, and here he was, cowering outside.
But he felt in control now, and he had promise to fulfill for Jo.
He re-entered the hospital, and headed back to the E.R. He had no idea where Bones was right now. Hoping to avoid the nurse who’d witnessed him spiraling into a panic attack, he went to the far end of the nurses’ station and spoke quietly with one of the women sitting at the computer there.
Moments later, armed with the room number Bones would be in if the CT was complete, he followed the directions she’d given him and took the elevator to the proper floor. It was relatively quiet this time of night, visiting hours long over. Jim was permitted to stay because of Leonard’s position as a staff physician. They’d made sure of that right away.
Jim found Bones’ assigned room. The door was open, and he could hear quiet voices coming from inside.
“You must be Jim…he’s been asking for you,” the nurse said.
“Jim…you stayed,” Leonard said quietly, forcing his eyes open. Jim went to his side, taking his hand and looking him over.
“Of course I stayed. Have you been here long?”
“Nope, we just got here,” the nurse replied for him. “I’m Susannah, and I’ll be his nurse tonight. Are you staying here Jim? I can call for a cot.”
“Uh, yeah…that’d be great, thank you.”
“No problem. Dr. McCoy is on some pretty potent medication, so he should sleep soundly tonight. Water pitcher is full - pillows and an extra blanket are in the closet. I’ll be in a couple of times tonight to check on him, but I’ll be as quiet as possible. Use the call button if you need anything.”
She left and Jim turned his attention back to Bones. “How are you?” he whispered, leaning down to brush his lips against him softly.
“I feel better…really tired. Should have all the test results back tomorrow, but I think I’ll be able to go home after the antibiotics. Talk to Jo?”
Jim hesitated, wondering how much to say. Bones was barely hanging on to consciousness, and he was slurring his words - obviously an effect of the pain meds. In the end, Jim decided that there was no reason to say anything to upset or worry him.
“Yes, she’s fine,” he said, opting for a half-truth. “You just relax and sleep.” Jim said quietly. He turned off the light over Bones’ bed and gently drew his fingers through his hair. He did look better…not as pale, relaxed, the lines of pain that had decorated his face earlier gone.
“Don’ hafta stay, Jim,” Leonard murmured, nearly asleep.
“Oh, shush. Of course I’m gonna stay,” Jim replied.
“Mm…good.”
Leonard didn’t say anything else, and his breathing evened out and got deeper. Quietly, Jim pulled out his phone and took a quick picture. He studied it for a moment. Bones looked completely relaxed and sound asleep, as if nothing was wrong.
Jo, your dad is doing fine. He’s got the medicine he needs and feels much more comfortable and is sleeping easily. We’ll give you a call tomorrow. Love you, sweetie.
He sent the picture and message to her, and a few seconds later his phone buzzed with a response.
Thank you Oide. Talk to you tomorrow. Give Daddy a kiss for me and tell him I love him. Love you too.
Jim hoped that Jo would settle and be able to sleep now, and he felt the guilty pull of a parent who was torn about leaving his child, knowing she’d been upset. But he also trusted his brother and sister-in-law to be able to help her if she needed any more comforting…and he was honest enough to admit that staying with Bones was a selfish thing, too.
The cot was brought in for him, and he spent a few minutes arranging blankets and stripping down to his boxers and t-shirt. He was exhausted, and though the cot didn’t look all that comfortable, he was pretty sure he would be able to fall asleep easily.
“Hey.”
Jim turned to Bones, surprised to hear him.
“Hey,” he said, dropping the blanket and coming back around to him. “You okay? Do you need anything?”
Bones looked over at the cot, then up at Jim. “You weren’t really planning on sleeping down there, were you?”
Jim smiled slightly, smoothing his hair down with little strokes. “Well, you were sound asleep. I didn’t want to wake you.”
“You didn’t. I have to use the bathroom. Can you…?”
“Yeah, one sec.”
Jim helped him maneuver around the room with the IV pole and he waited while Bones relieved himself then washed his hands. When he was finished, they made their way back to the bed. Bones got in first and Jim helped him arrange everything - blankets, IV tubes, bed controllers - and then he lay down too. Bones turned on his side into Jim, resting his head on Jim’s chest. Jim pulled the blanket over them both, then wrapped an arm around Bones’ shoulders, holding him tenderly.
“Much better,” Bones sighed.
Silently, Jim agreed.