Fic: Free, Part 2
Title: Free, Part 2
Author: Caera1996
W/C: 2,674
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Warning: Mentions past near-assault.
Summary: A few weeks after returning from their trip to Iowa, Jim is acting like nothing ever happened and Leonard, though patient, is confused.
Notes: Read Free, Part 1 here. This part is for heavenlyxbodies. Happy Birthday! So sorry for the delay, but your request inspired more than I’d realized. I hope you like it!
Things were different between them when they got back to San Francisco. Not that Jim really expected things to stay the same…not after everything they’d discussed and did. He’d let Bones in and admitted things he hadn’t shared with anyone. Bones had seen some of his past first hand when Frank had confronted him in the store. And he’d invited Bones into his bed. Just for sleeping and comfort, but still. For his part, Bones had been surprisingly direct about his feelings, and Jim had responded to that. He’d gotten as close as he ever had to admitting what he’d been trying so hard to keep to himself, buried and safe. A secret that left him feeling so…exposed…that he didn’t even want to examine it too closely.
But he couldn’t deny it to himself…he felt something for Bones. Something beyond friendship. Beyond the bond of two people not like all the others, as older cadets. Somehow, he’d become more important to him than anyone else who’d come into his life.
So…yeah. Things were different. There was no way they couldn’t be. And Jim felt like he was alternately rushing headlong into something he wanted so much it actually hurt, and digging his heels in and pulling away from that same thing that scared the crap out of him. And Bones…he remained very patient.
Sitting at opposite ends of his small couch, Leonard looked up and rolled his neck, feeling stiff after sitting so still for so long. He yawned and rubbed his eyes.
“Jim,” Leonard said. When he didn’t receive an answer, he tapped his foot against Jim’s to get his attention.
“Hm? Sorry…what?” he asked, looking up.
“Are you actually even reading that?” Leonard asked curiously. “You were a million miles away.”
“Oh…uh…” Jim looked down at the PADD he was holding. He hadn’t been reading at all. Leonard chuckled and Jim felt himself flushing.
“So…what were you thinking about then?” he asked.
Jim cursed his pale complexion as the flush deepened. “Nothing in particular,” he said. And that was a huge lie.
Leonard checked a sigh and watched Jim for a moment, wondering what was going through that brilliant mind of his. That he wasn’t willing to share his thoughts was very telling. Usually whatever popped into Jim’s head came right out of his mouth, but he was being very circumspect. There were only a few things that made Jim Kirk reticent - talking about his family, talking about his past, and talking about them. He’d turned out to be surprisingly, endearingly, shy about them.
Leonard had thought that after everything that happened while they were in Riverside, they were on the same page now about where things were going - and the fact that they were “going” at all. But since they’d been back, it was almost as if Jim didn’t want to let anything else change.
He was still choosing to spend pretty much any time they weren’t in class with Leonard, eschewing going out if Leonard didn’t feel like it. And when they did go out, Jim stayed close and always left with him. But they hadn’t talked about anything since that short conversation in the diner. Leonard had meant it when he said they could just let their relationship slowly develop, but there was a difference between that and actively putting them in stasis, and that’s what it felt like Jim was doing. Because while Jim stayed close, there was definitely distance between them, too - and he made it clear with his body language that he had a line around him he didn’t really want Leonard to cross.
And if that’s what Jim wanted…just to be friends…Leonard could live with that. But if it was because Jim was letting his own doubts and demons getting the better of him, Leonard would work even harder to show Jim that he was worthy and deserving of every happiness in life, including this one.
But he had to know. It was too important to not know.
Leonard glanced down at the PADD he’d been reading. They both had exams coming up that they were studying for tonight…alternately reading and reviewing material and trading their materials to quiz each other…but it was obvious Jim’s mind wasn’t on what he was studying, and know that Leonard’s let his concentration break, neither was his.
Focusing on Jim, watching as the flush slowly faded from his face, Leonard put his PADD aside and wondered how to broach the subject. He didn’t want to seem pushy, and he didn’t want Jim to pull away even further than he already has.
“Jim…can we talk?”
Taking a breath, Jim licked his lips nervously before looking up to meet Bones’ eyes. The question made him feel automatically defensive, but he knew that was stupid. It was just…it wasn’t that he didn’t see something like this coming - he’d have to be blind not to. But he didn’t know what to say. He felt out of his depth and nervous and uncomfortable. So he did what he usually did. He tried to ignore it all.
“Sure, Bones. What’s up?” Jim asked, throwing him a quick grin.
Leonard heard his carefully casual tone, and knew it wasn’t how he was really feeling. And that hurt a little. He wished Jim felt more at ease, and more comfortable being honest about what he felt. Leaning forward a little, Leonard reached out and gently grasped Jim’s ankle over his jeans, using that touch as a point of connection, and an indication of what he wanted to talk about. Jim went very still, eyes on where Leonard held him. He didn’t pull away, but he didn’t look up at Leonard either.
Letting his thumb rub over Jim, he asked, “Remember, at the diner, we said that we’d just let things happen?” Leonard paused, glancing up at Jim who nodded silently. “I..um… Do you still want that?”
Jim bit his lip and glanced away, then back at him. “I thought that’s what we were doing,” he said.
Now Leonard did sigh. “Really, Jim? Cause that’s not the impression you’ve given me over the last few weeks.”
“We’re always together, Bones,” Jim said. “We go out together, we eat and study…”
“Together,” Leonard finished. “Yes, I know. But you’re a big boy Jim. You know there’s more to a relationship than that.”
Jim pressed his lips together, starting to feeling tense and on edge, and he pulled away from Leonard’s hold on his ankle, shifting his legs from resting alongside Bones’ to plant his feet on the floor. “And?” Jim asked coolly. “Three weeks and I’m not putting out fast enough for you?”
Leonard gave him a look. “C’mon Jim. You know that’s not what I’m saying. I guess…I just want to make sure that it’s…it’s something you still want. A relationship. With me.”
Jim sat tensely, staring at the floor. He did know that wasn’t what Bones was saying. But he didn’t know what to say. He hardly knew how he felt. He cared for Bones in an unfamiliar and unsettling way, and he didn’t know how to handle that.
“Jim, it’s okay if you don’t,” Leonard said quietly, doing his best to keep his voice neutral. “I meant what I said before. I want our friendship first and foremost.”
Jim let out a gust of air and rubbed a hand over his face. He hated this. He hated making Bones feel like this. Why does this have to be so fucking hard?
“That’s not it, Bones…it’s not that I don’t want a relationship with you. I - I just…” Jim shook his head, hands balling into fists in frustration. Unable to contain the nervous energy and giving in to the need for distance, he stood and crossed his arms over himself, moving to the small window.
“Tell me anything, Jim. You can talk to me,” Leonard said.
And he tried. He tried to make the words come, I’m terrified of this. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t have any good experience with this. I’m not what Frank said about me. But he couldn’t. His face heated uncomfortably, and he tensed when he heard Bones get up from the couch.
Leonard joined Jim at the window, and hesitantly, placed his hands on Jim’s shoulders, then slid them down to his upper arms, holding him gently. He could feel how tense Jim was, and they just stood there, quietly breathing. He felt Jim start to relax, his clenched muscles releasing, and then he exerted barely-there pressure on his arms - a suggestion, rather than a demand - urging Jim to turn.
And he did. Reacting to everything he so desperately wanted - even as it terrified him - Jim turned, head down, until he could rest his forehead on Bones’ strong shoulder and Bones just held him. Obviously Jim was struggling. But it was also obvious that he wasn’t actually pushing him away. So he stayed quiet, didn’t demand explanations or answers, and was simply there, reminding Jim with his presence that he was important to him, that he was cared for. He didn’t know why Jim was tied up in knots over the possibility of what they could be to each other, but Leonard hoped he would talk to him.
“I’m sorry,” Jim murmured. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me…why I’m so…” Jim trailed off, shaking his head.
Leonard rubbed his hands up and down Jim’s back, thinking. Taking a chance, he put to words what he was thinking.
“You afraid of me Jimmy?”
Jim tensed in his arms, but he didn’t pull away. Bones’ question wasn’t asked in jest or teasingly. And it wasn’t an accusation either. Just an honest question that deserved an honest answer - and it was an answer he could give.
“I’m not afraid of you, Bones. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had - the only person I’ve c-cared about like this. I’m not afraid of you.”
“You’re afraid of us,” Leonard said.
Jim clenched his jaw, and pulled back, keeping his eyes averted. That was partially true…some of what was wrong.
Leonard let him go and took a step back. He went to the little kitchenette area and pulled out a couple of glasses and his whiskey. He poured them each a bit and gestured to the couch. He sat, and Jim joined him. Leonard handed him his glass and sat back. He didn’t say anything - he could tell Jim was trying to put his thoughts into words, and he let him have his time.
As they sat quietly, Jim felt some of his embarrassment lessening. This wasn’t easy, but he didn’t doubt Bones’ invitation to “tell him anything”. And he knew he could. Bones had already proven that. He took a deep sip, then stared into his glass, Jim tried to make sense of everything he was feeling.
Jim glanced up at Bones, meeting those hazel eyes and seeing compassion there. Compassion and… love? Maybe? Could Bones really love him?
“I do want us. I want us to be…more. But…I just don’t know…” He paused, taking a breath. “I don’t trust myself,” he said finally. “I don’t trust myself to not screw it up with you. No one ever looked at me like you do…like you really see me. And it’s…well, it’s…I don’t know why you…” Cutting himself off, he shook his head, eyes focused on the glass.
“You don’t know why I what? Care about you? Want a relationship with you?” He lightened his tone, knocking a knee against Jim’s. “Put up with you?”
Jim smiled slightly, nodding. “Yeah. All of that.”
Pressing his lips together, Leonard put down his glass, moved close to Jim and took his glass, placing it aside. Jim let him, but kept his eyes down, even as Leonard took his hands.
“Can you look at me?”
It took a second, but Jim did.
“Because you’re one of the most caring people I’ve met. Because you’re loyal and loving. Because you’re courageous and smart and resilient and…worth it. You’re worth it, Jim, and you deserve it.”
Jim flushed, uncomfortable with hearing things like that about himself. He didn’t really believe it.
“You’re worth it to me, Jim,” Bones said again quietly, sincerely.
Feeling his palms start to sweat, Jim took a breath. He had to be honest. Bones deserved it.
“I’m not what Frank said about me,” Jim said quietly. “In the store…about, um, giving myself to everyone.”
Leonard pressed his lips together. He remembered the cruel, crude hurtful words that bastard Frank had flung out that day. “I wouldn’t care if it was, Jim. Everyone has a past.”
Jim smiled slightly. He knew Bones meant that sincerely and that made the next part easier. A little.
“I - uh…someone tried to f-force me once,” Jim said, eyes down as his face heated. He felt Bones’ hands tighten on his, and he glanced up quickly. “It didn’t happen, and the asshole who tried it ended up with a broken nose and a dislocated jaw. But…uh…I, I don’t…”
And Leonard got it. It wasn’t just that Jim was afraid of screwing up their relationship by letting them become more…he was afraid of some of the things that would go along with it. Everything about the way Jim acted with him made sense now. The way he obviously wanted a connection, but still kept Leonard at an arm’s length. That line he’d drawn between them that kept Leonard firmly on one side, even as he occasionally reached across it. It explained his nervousness and his reticence with him when he acted like such a flirt and ladies’ man with women. And Leonard felt like an ass for not realizing it sooner.
“And, I - I want a relationship with you,” Jim continued. “I just d-don’t know if I can,” he said lowly, head bowed under the weight of that admission.
Leonard’s grip stayed firm, and Jim didn’t pull away despite his obvious discomfiture. “Jim, I’m so sorry that happened to you,” Bones said quietly. “And I’m sorry if you thought I was pushing you for something. That’s not what I intended.”
“Bones…you don’t have to apologize for anything. I should’ve been up front with you a long time ago. And I - I understand if you don’t want-“
“Jim,” Leonard said, cutting off that line of thought. “I want you in my life. I want you however you want to be there. And if you want us to have a relationship, we’ll work on it together, however you want. You don’t have to be alone.”
Jim looked up at Bones, tears in his eyes that he fought to control. He’d never really thought he could ever really have anything more with Bones, even if he wanted it so much. But now…he allowed himself to entertain the possibility.
And it took his breath away.
Heart pounding in his chest, Jim swallowed hard as he held Bones’ eyes, the depth of emotion he was feeling surprised him. He hadn’t realized how deeply he’d buried the desire for more beneath his past.
Taking a breath to calm his racing heart, Jim stopped thinking and just let himself feel, and leaned forward to press a kiss to Bones’ soft lips. Closing his eyes, Leonard let Jim control the kiss, and though it felt hesitant it was the best he’d ever had.
Parting, Jim and Bones pressed their foreheads together, sharing their breath.
Jim closed his eyes when he felt Bones thread his fingers through his hair, gently cupping his head, and this time tears did fall.
Jim tried to pull away as he felt Bones gently wipe his cheek with his fingers. Bones didn’t let him, though, and pulled him in instead, wrapping his arms around him and holding him tightly. After a second, Jim wound his arms around him and pressed his face to Bones’ shoulder and held on, taking what was being freely given.
“Don’t let me go,” Jim whispered - so much in that one request. And Bones heard it all.
“I won’t. I promise.”
Author: Caera1996
W/C: 2,674
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Warning: Mentions past near-assault.
Summary: A few weeks after returning from their trip to Iowa, Jim is acting like nothing ever happened and Leonard, though patient, is confused.
Notes: Read Free, Part 1 here. This part is for heavenlyxbodies. Happy Birthday! So sorry for the delay, but your request inspired more than I’d realized. I hope you like it!
Things were different between them when they got back to San Francisco. Not that Jim really expected things to stay the same…not after everything they’d discussed and did. He’d let Bones in and admitted things he hadn’t shared with anyone. Bones had seen some of his past first hand when Frank had confronted him in the store. And he’d invited Bones into his bed. Just for sleeping and comfort, but still. For his part, Bones had been surprisingly direct about his feelings, and Jim had responded to that. He’d gotten as close as he ever had to admitting what he’d been trying so hard to keep to himself, buried and safe. A secret that left him feeling so…exposed…that he didn’t even want to examine it too closely.
But he couldn’t deny it to himself…he felt something for Bones. Something beyond friendship. Beyond the bond of two people not like all the others, as older cadets. Somehow, he’d become more important to him than anyone else who’d come into his life.
So…yeah. Things were different. There was no way they couldn’t be. And Jim felt like he was alternately rushing headlong into something he wanted so much it actually hurt, and digging his heels in and pulling away from that same thing that scared the crap out of him. And Bones…he remained very patient.
Sitting at opposite ends of his small couch, Leonard looked up and rolled his neck, feeling stiff after sitting so still for so long. He yawned and rubbed his eyes.
“Jim,” Leonard said. When he didn’t receive an answer, he tapped his foot against Jim’s to get his attention.
“Hm? Sorry…what?” he asked, looking up.
“Are you actually even reading that?” Leonard asked curiously. “You were a million miles away.”
“Oh…uh…” Jim looked down at the PADD he was holding. He hadn’t been reading at all. Leonard chuckled and Jim felt himself flushing.
“So…what were you thinking about then?” he asked.
Jim cursed his pale complexion as the flush deepened. “Nothing in particular,” he said. And that was a huge lie.
Leonard checked a sigh and watched Jim for a moment, wondering what was going through that brilliant mind of his. That he wasn’t willing to share his thoughts was very telling. Usually whatever popped into Jim’s head came right out of his mouth, but he was being very circumspect. There were only a few things that made Jim Kirk reticent - talking about his family, talking about his past, and talking about them. He’d turned out to be surprisingly, endearingly, shy about them.
Leonard had thought that after everything that happened while they were in Riverside, they were on the same page now about where things were going - and the fact that they were “going” at all. But since they’d been back, it was almost as if Jim didn’t want to let anything else change.
He was still choosing to spend pretty much any time they weren’t in class with Leonard, eschewing going out if Leonard didn’t feel like it. And when they did go out, Jim stayed close and always left with him. But they hadn’t talked about anything since that short conversation in the diner. Leonard had meant it when he said they could just let their relationship slowly develop, but there was a difference between that and actively putting them in stasis, and that’s what it felt like Jim was doing. Because while Jim stayed close, there was definitely distance between them, too - and he made it clear with his body language that he had a line around him he didn’t really want Leonard to cross.
And if that’s what Jim wanted…just to be friends…Leonard could live with that. But if it was because Jim was letting his own doubts and demons getting the better of him, Leonard would work even harder to show Jim that he was worthy and deserving of every happiness in life, including this one.
But he had to know. It was too important to not know.
Leonard glanced down at the PADD he’d been reading. They both had exams coming up that they were studying for tonight…alternately reading and reviewing material and trading their materials to quiz each other…but it was obvious Jim’s mind wasn’t on what he was studying, and know that Leonard’s let his concentration break, neither was his.
Focusing on Jim, watching as the flush slowly faded from his face, Leonard put his PADD aside and wondered how to broach the subject. He didn’t want to seem pushy, and he didn’t want Jim to pull away even further than he already has.
“Jim…can we talk?”
Taking a breath, Jim licked his lips nervously before looking up to meet Bones’ eyes. The question made him feel automatically defensive, but he knew that was stupid. It was just…it wasn’t that he didn’t see something like this coming - he’d have to be blind not to. But he didn’t know what to say. He felt out of his depth and nervous and uncomfortable. So he did what he usually did. He tried to ignore it all.
“Sure, Bones. What’s up?” Jim asked, throwing him a quick grin.
Leonard heard his carefully casual tone, and knew it wasn’t how he was really feeling. And that hurt a little. He wished Jim felt more at ease, and more comfortable being honest about what he felt. Leaning forward a little, Leonard reached out and gently grasped Jim’s ankle over his jeans, using that touch as a point of connection, and an indication of what he wanted to talk about. Jim went very still, eyes on where Leonard held him. He didn’t pull away, but he didn’t look up at Leonard either.
Letting his thumb rub over Jim, he asked, “Remember, at the diner, we said that we’d just let things happen?” Leonard paused, glancing up at Jim who nodded silently. “I..um… Do you still want that?”
Jim bit his lip and glanced away, then back at him. “I thought that’s what we were doing,” he said.
Now Leonard did sigh. “Really, Jim? Cause that’s not the impression you’ve given me over the last few weeks.”
“We’re always together, Bones,” Jim said. “We go out together, we eat and study…”
“Together,” Leonard finished. “Yes, I know. But you’re a big boy Jim. You know there’s more to a relationship than that.”
Jim pressed his lips together, starting to feeling tense and on edge, and he pulled away from Leonard’s hold on his ankle, shifting his legs from resting alongside Bones’ to plant his feet on the floor. “And?” Jim asked coolly. “Three weeks and I’m not putting out fast enough for you?”
Leonard gave him a look. “C’mon Jim. You know that’s not what I’m saying. I guess…I just want to make sure that it’s…it’s something you still want. A relationship. With me.”
Jim sat tensely, staring at the floor. He did know that wasn’t what Bones was saying. But he didn’t know what to say. He hardly knew how he felt. He cared for Bones in an unfamiliar and unsettling way, and he didn’t know how to handle that.
“Jim, it’s okay if you don’t,” Leonard said quietly, doing his best to keep his voice neutral. “I meant what I said before. I want our friendship first and foremost.”
Jim let out a gust of air and rubbed a hand over his face. He hated this. He hated making Bones feel like this. Why does this have to be so fucking hard?
“That’s not it, Bones…it’s not that I don’t want a relationship with you. I - I just…” Jim shook his head, hands balling into fists in frustration. Unable to contain the nervous energy and giving in to the need for distance, he stood and crossed his arms over himself, moving to the small window.
“Tell me anything, Jim. You can talk to me,” Leonard said.
And he tried. He tried to make the words come, I’m terrified of this. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t have any good experience with this. I’m not what Frank said about me. But he couldn’t. His face heated uncomfortably, and he tensed when he heard Bones get up from the couch.
Leonard joined Jim at the window, and hesitantly, placed his hands on Jim’s shoulders, then slid them down to his upper arms, holding him gently. He could feel how tense Jim was, and they just stood there, quietly breathing. He felt Jim start to relax, his clenched muscles releasing, and then he exerted barely-there pressure on his arms - a suggestion, rather than a demand - urging Jim to turn.
And he did. Reacting to everything he so desperately wanted - even as it terrified him - Jim turned, head down, until he could rest his forehead on Bones’ strong shoulder and Bones just held him. Obviously Jim was struggling. But it was also obvious that he wasn’t actually pushing him away. So he stayed quiet, didn’t demand explanations or answers, and was simply there, reminding Jim with his presence that he was important to him, that he was cared for. He didn’t know why Jim was tied up in knots over the possibility of what they could be to each other, but Leonard hoped he would talk to him.
“I’m sorry,” Jim murmured. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me…why I’m so…” Jim trailed off, shaking his head.
Leonard rubbed his hands up and down Jim’s back, thinking. Taking a chance, he put to words what he was thinking.
“You afraid of me Jimmy?”
Jim tensed in his arms, but he didn’t pull away. Bones’ question wasn’t asked in jest or teasingly. And it wasn’t an accusation either. Just an honest question that deserved an honest answer - and it was an answer he could give.
“I’m not afraid of you, Bones. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had - the only person I’ve c-cared about like this. I’m not afraid of you.”
“You’re afraid of us,” Leonard said.
Jim clenched his jaw, and pulled back, keeping his eyes averted. That was partially true…some of what was wrong.
Leonard let him go and took a step back. He went to the little kitchenette area and pulled out a couple of glasses and his whiskey. He poured them each a bit and gestured to the couch. He sat, and Jim joined him. Leonard handed him his glass and sat back. He didn’t say anything - he could tell Jim was trying to put his thoughts into words, and he let him have his time.
As they sat quietly, Jim felt some of his embarrassment lessening. This wasn’t easy, but he didn’t doubt Bones’ invitation to “tell him anything”. And he knew he could. Bones had already proven that. He took a deep sip, then stared into his glass, Jim tried to make sense of everything he was feeling.
Jim glanced up at Bones, meeting those hazel eyes and seeing compassion there. Compassion and… love? Maybe? Could Bones really love him?
“I do want us. I want us to be…more. But…I just don’t know…” He paused, taking a breath. “I don’t trust myself,” he said finally. “I don’t trust myself to not screw it up with you. No one ever looked at me like you do…like you really see me. And it’s…well, it’s…I don’t know why you…” Cutting himself off, he shook his head, eyes focused on the glass.
“You don’t know why I what? Care about you? Want a relationship with you?” He lightened his tone, knocking a knee against Jim’s. “Put up with you?”
Jim smiled slightly, nodding. “Yeah. All of that.”
Pressing his lips together, Leonard put down his glass, moved close to Jim and took his glass, placing it aside. Jim let him, but kept his eyes down, even as Leonard took his hands.
“Can you look at me?”
It took a second, but Jim did.
“Because you’re one of the most caring people I’ve met. Because you’re loyal and loving. Because you’re courageous and smart and resilient and…worth it. You’re worth it, Jim, and you deserve it.”
Jim flushed, uncomfortable with hearing things like that about himself. He didn’t really believe it.
“You’re worth it to me, Jim,” Bones said again quietly, sincerely.
Feeling his palms start to sweat, Jim took a breath. He had to be honest. Bones deserved it.
“I’m not what Frank said about me,” Jim said quietly. “In the store…about, um, giving myself to everyone.”
Leonard pressed his lips together. He remembered the cruel, crude hurtful words that bastard Frank had flung out that day. “I wouldn’t care if it was, Jim. Everyone has a past.”
Jim smiled slightly. He knew Bones meant that sincerely and that made the next part easier. A little.
“I - uh…someone tried to f-force me once,” Jim said, eyes down as his face heated. He felt Bones’ hands tighten on his, and he glanced up quickly. “It didn’t happen, and the asshole who tried it ended up with a broken nose and a dislocated jaw. But…uh…I, I don’t…”
And Leonard got it. It wasn’t just that Jim was afraid of screwing up their relationship by letting them become more…he was afraid of some of the things that would go along with it. Everything about the way Jim acted with him made sense now. The way he obviously wanted a connection, but still kept Leonard at an arm’s length. That line he’d drawn between them that kept Leonard firmly on one side, even as he occasionally reached across it. It explained his nervousness and his reticence with him when he acted like such a flirt and ladies’ man with women. And Leonard felt like an ass for not realizing it sooner.
“And, I - I want a relationship with you,” Jim continued. “I just d-don’t know if I can,” he said lowly, head bowed under the weight of that admission.
Leonard’s grip stayed firm, and Jim didn’t pull away despite his obvious discomfiture. “Jim, I’m so sorry that happened to you,” Bones said quietly. “And I’m sorry if you thought I was pushing you for something. That’s not what I intended.”
“Bones…you don’t have to apologize for anything. I should’ve been up front with you a long time ago. And I - I understand if you don’t want-“
“Jim,” Leonard said, cutting off that line of thought. “I want you in my life. I want you however you want to be there. And if you want us to have a relationship, we’ll work on it together, however you want. You don’t have to be alone.”
Jim looked up at Bones, tears in his eyes that he fought to control. He’d never really thought he could ever really have anything more with Bones, even if he wanted it so much. But now…he allowed himself to entertain the possibility.
And it took his breath away.
Heart pounding in his chest, Jim swallowed hard as he held Bones’ eyes, the depth of emotion he was feeling surprised him. He hadn’t realized how deeply he’d buried the desire for more beneath his past.
Taking a breath to calm his racing heart, Jim stopped thinking and just let himself feel, and leaned forward to press a kiss to Bones’ soft lips. Closing his eyes, Leonard let Jim control the kiss, and though it felt hesitant it was the best he’d ever had.
Parting, Jim and Bones pressed their foreheads together, sharing their breath.
Jim closed his eyes when he felt Bones thread his fingers through his hair, gently cupping his head, and this time tears did fall.
Jim tried to pull away as he felt Bones gently wipe his cheek with his fingers. Bones didn’t let him, though, and pulled him in instead, wrapping his arms around him and holding him tightly. After a second, Jim wound his arms around him and pressed his face to Bones’ shoulder and held on, taking what was being freely given.
“Don’t let me go,” Jim whispered - so much in that one request. And Bones heard it all.
“I won’t. I promise.”