Part 4 of "Becoming Our Own" - in TBoPE 'verse
Title: Becoming Our Own, Part 4
Author: Caera1996
Rating for this Part: PG
W/C: 7,294
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Timeline Notes: A third anchor story (novel-length) in TBoPE/LAWG verse. Set five years after the end of Learning As We Go.
Content Notes: My medical knowledge is limited to what I can Google. The information about the results from the thalidomide study can be found here: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19733563
This Part: Work is taking its toll on Leonard and Jim, in more ways than one. Leonard touches upon Jim’s deep-seated insecurities regarding drinking, and though they are trying to reconnect with each other, Sam realizes that something is up. In the meantime, Janie has been experiencing some troubling symptoms.
.
Leonard let himself into the mostly dark apartment, and his eyes immediately went to the illuminated digital clock above the stove.
Nearly ten - time had gotten away from him and he’d left the hospital a lot later than he’d meant to. Again.
“Bones?” Jim’s voice came from the direction of the family room.
“Yeah, Jim, I’m home. Sorry I’m so late.”
Jim entered the kitchen and turned on the lights, watching as Leonard put his briefcase down on a chair and
loosened his tie.
“It’s okay…been a real busy week, huh?”
Leonard sighed, a hand passing over his eyes.
“Yeah.”
“Want to talk about it?”
“No, not really.”
Jim pressed his lips together worriedly. Whatever had been going on at work for Bones over the last few days obviously wasn’t getting better, and it was taking its toll on him, and Jim didn’t know what to do. He was used to them being there for each other, but at some point Bones had decided that he didn’t feel like explaining things to him. It was hard, and frustrating, but instead of pushing, Jim decided to be as supportive as possible in other ways, trusting that Bones would come back to him.
“I’ve got a plate of dinner for you ready to be warmed up in the fridge. Interested?”
Leonard almost refused, but then he took a good look at Jim, and realized that he looked concerned and tense. Abruptly, Leonard realized that he’d been moving through his days and nights without really acknowledging everything Jim was doing to make his late nights possible. He’d been late every night this week, and even worse, he hadn’t been home to put his own daughter to bed three days in a row now…not a particularly long time for some, but a very long time to them. It just wasn’t how they usually worked, and the wrongness of it was starting to take its toll on everyone.
“Yeah, that’d be great, Jim, thanks. And…” he paused, unsure of how to say what he knew needed to be said. He looked up at Jim, meeting his eyes with such an apologetic look, that Jim hurried to come around the table and envelope him in a tender hug.
“It’s okay, Bones,” Jim whispered, closing his eyes in relief as they held each other tightly. Jim had been so concerned that he was the only one feeling the distance of the past few days. It’d been so disconcerting and out of character, it’d given him a stomach ache. Add to that the fact that Jo was missing her dad every night, and…yeah. It’d been a long week so far. “Let’s just get some dinner into you, and then get to bed. And if you want to tell me what’s been going on, I want to hear it.”
Sighing deeply, Leonard sank into a kitchen chair while Jim got the plate out of the fridge and stuck it in the microwave. “Want something to drink?” he asked.
Yeah, Leonard thought. I need a drink.
“I’ll get it,” he said, standing and heading out to the family room. There was a small, hardly ever used side cabinet that they kept what little alcohol they had - just a few bottles of wine, and a bottle of Jim Bean. He couldn’t remember the last time he opened this bottle, but after today, he just needed it.
Coming back in to the kitchen, he got a glass from the cabinet and poured himself a small amount. He noticed, but made the conscious decision not to acknowledge, Jim’s surprised look. Leonard hardly ever drank at all, and Jim even less than that. His surprise wasn’t out of place, but he didn’t say anything about it, and Leonard didn’t protest when Jim discreetly removed the bottle from the table, capped it, and set it on the counter behind them.
“Here you go, Bones. It’s just pasta with some of the sauce you had frozen in the freezer, so I hope it’s okay,” Jim said. “Jo and I enjoyed it…I think there’s some left over salad, too, if you want it…” He put the plate in front of him and hesitated when Leonard grasped his wrist.
“Hey. This is perfect, I don’t need anything else,” Leonard replied. He tugged, and Jim bent to him, a small smile on his face. He kissed Jim gently, trying to convey his gratefulness and apology. He closed his eyes when he felt Jim gently cup his head. “Thank you. For everything.”
“Of course, Bones. I’m just sorry you’re having such a hard time with….whatever is going on at work.” Jim slid into the chair beside Leonard and grabbed a banana out of the bowl in the center of the table. Hungry now that food was in front of him, Leonard took a bite of the dinner Jim prepared.
They both ate in silence for a couple of minutes, Jim glancing at Bones every now and then. He wanted them to talk…he wanted to know what was going on at work for Bones…and he wanted to talk about his own work. Then there was the appointment with the real estate attorney they’d canceled, but not yet rescheduled. And Jo’s schooling…and Jim just felt…disconnected. And he didn’t like it. But it was late, and Bones looked tired. So, he did what he’d been doing this whole week: he kept it all to himself for now. The weekend was just a day away. They’d sort themselves out then.
“What’s on the schedule for tomorrow?” Jim asked after a few minutes.
Leonard sighed. “More of the same. Class in the morning, then to the hospital.”
“Do you think you’ll be late again?” he asked hesitantly.
Leonard looked up at Jim, hearing the note of discontent in his voice, and feeling uncomfortably guilty about it. “I - I don’t know Jim. I’ll try not to be.”
“Oh…okay.”
“But we’ll have the weekend together,” Leonard continued, wanting to make things better, even though it seemed like a weak offering. The smile Jim gave him, though, made him feel like it was exactly what Jim needed to hear.
“That’ll be good,” he said enthusiastically. “We can all spend the day together on Saturday - Jo’s been asking about going to the beach with Sam and the girls since Aurelan is away for a show - and then Sam said he’d love if she slept over.”
Leonard took a swallow of his drink and closed his eyes as the warmth spread through him. “Saddle Sam with all three of them?” Leonard asked. “Shouldn’t we be taking Janie and Kimmie to give him a break?”
Jim shook his head, a small smile on his face. Here Bones was working his ass off all week, and he was worried about making sure Sam had enough help while Aurelan was away. God, I love him, Jim thought. “No, I already offered that. Kimmie’s going to be sleeping over a friend’s house, and Sam would prefer to keep Janie home and have Jo over to keep her busy.”
“Oh, okay. Not that I want to talk him out of that, but why? What’s up with Janie?”
Jim shrugged, and leaned back in his chair. “Nothing too major. Apparently she’s been experiencing some coughing and tightness in her chest when she runs around, and her pediatrician thinks she might be developing asthma. The doctor wants them to track her symptoms for a week.”
Leonard nodded, frowning as he took that in. Pediatric asthma was nothing to fool around with. He hoped that wasn’t what was going on.
“Done?” Jim asked, and Leonard shook himself out of his thoughts. “Or do you want some more?”
“Oh, no…that was great…thanks,” he replied as Jim stood and took the empty plate from him. He finished his drink then stood and joined Jim at the sink, putting the glass aside and wrapping his arms around Jim from behind.
“I feel like I’ve missed you so much this week,” Leonard said softly. Jim turned he water off and turned around in Bones’ arms. His eyes traveled over Bones’ face, and he leaned in to kiss him, the taste of the alcohol an unpleasant counterpoint that Jim forced himself to ignore. It doesn’t mean anything.
“I’ve missed you, too. I wish there was something I could do to help you with everything.”
A shuttered look came into Bones’ eyes and he pulled away, a tenseness in his frame that wasn’t there a moment ago, and again Jim wondered what was going on that was causing him such concern.
“I’m exhausted, and because of your dinner, satisfied and full. I feel like I could sleep a week, but mornin’s comin’ fast. Bed?”
“Yeah,” Jim replied, reaching to brush Leonard’s bangs away from his face. “Let’s go.”
Turning off the lights as they moved through the apartment, Leonard stopped at Jo’s door and quietly pushed it open. She was sound asleep, arms and legs flung out and blankets kicked off. He stepped into her room and knelt by her bed, gently moving her away from the edge and repositioning her, then replacing her blankets. She stirred, eyes opening slightly, and she sighed sleepily as a small smile touched her lips.
“Daddy, you’re home.”
“Hey Baby. I’ll see you in the mornin’. Love you.”
“Love you. Can you stay with me?” she asked, moving to hold her father’s arm and pressing her face to him. He stroked her hair, giving in and staying for a moment. He’d missed her, too, and he felt keenly that he’d not been paying enough attention to any of the people who mattered so much to him. Work wasn’t an excuse for that, but for this week, it was the reason.
Jim watched from the doorway as Leonard spent a few minutes with his daughter. Jo had been pretty good this week, though it was obvious she’d been missing her father. And no wonder. Aside from their brief mornings before everyone went to school and work, they hadn’t really spent any time together. Jo was always in bed hours before Bones got home. After watching them for a moment, as always, moved by how tender Bones was with his little girl, Jim continued down the hall to their own room.
Jim was just finishing brushing his teeth when Leonard joined him.
“She fall back asleep?”
“Yeah, you know how she never quite wakes all the way up.”
Jim nodded and they moved around each other, sharing the bathroom space as they each finished getting ready for bed. Jim pulled off his shirt and climbed under the covers in just his boxers. Leonard stripped down too, and sighed contentedly as he joined Jim. Instead of just moving in to their customary positions, Jim turned to lay facing Bones, tucking one arm under his pillow and curling the other around Bones’ shoulders, holding him.
Tired and distracted, but missing Jim and finally feeling a little more like himself as they lay there, Leonard closed his eyes as they kissed softly. Then Jim pulled away a little.
“Don’t shut me out,” he whispered against Leonard’s lips. “Whatever it is, Bones I want to hear all about it. Vent to me.” He swallowed, feeling uncomfortable but needing to say something. “I…I don’t ever want you to feel like a drink is a better way to handle things,” Jim admitted.
Leonard froze, and he opened his eyes to see that Jim wasn’t looking at him. A little annoyed, and feeling a little defensive, he replied without thinking. “I’m not Frank.”
Jim cringed slightly, and now did raise his eyes. “I know. I don’t think that, Bones. I just…I want to help you, and I’ve just felt like you couldn’t even be bothered to talk to me about whatever’s been keeping you working so late. And…” he trailed off, struggling with what he wanted to say. But to admit how terrifying it was to even contemplate going through something like that again, with someone he loved…and worse, with someone he’d allowed himself to grow to need…his throat ached and he finally said, “I guess I just need to know that you’re…okay.”
They held each other’s gaze for a minute, Leonard’s eyes softening finally as he realized there was no accusation in Jim’s. No accusation, no blame…just deep insecurity and worry. And there probably always would be, Leonard realized, when it came to this.
“I’m okay,” Leonard said sincerely. “I promise you, I’m okay. That drink I had tonight was the first out of that bottle in months - probably since we got it - and it’s the first drink I’ve had in months, period. I’m sorry it upset you so much, but it was just one drink I felt like having. Nothing else, and nothing to worry about.”
He pulled Jim to him again, holding him tightly, cupping his head and trailing his other hand down Jim’s bare back. Jim squeezed his eyes closed, pressing his face to Leonard’s shoulder. It was an overreaction, he knew. But it wasn’t something he could help, and he was relieved beyond belief that Bones seemed to understand that.
“I’m sorry, Darlin’. Everything is fine. Okay?”
“Okay,” Jim said quietly. He pulled back and it took a second before he could raise his eyes to Bones’ concerned gaze. “What’s going on at work?”
Leonard sighed and pulled away, rolling on to his back. He really didn’t want to talk about this, but he now that he knew how freaked out Jim had been, and why, how could he not? Jim propped himself up on an elbow to look down at him.
“The trial is coming to a close,” Leonard said. “And we finished collating all the information for it last week, and now we’re in the middle of writing the papers to submit to the FDA.”
“Right,” Jim said. “I know that some of the results weren’t what you were expecting.”
“Well, it wasn’t a complete surprise…we could see the way it was going.”
“And it’s not going well?”
“No. Not at all.”
Jim was quiet for a moment, absorbing that. He knew how personally invested Leonard was in this trial. He also knew how promising it seemed to be in the beginning, and how widely respected his work had become. For this trial to end badly…
Jim was starting to understand why Bones was so distracted this week. There were a lot of repercussions to a failed trial - some of which he was only peripherally aware.
“So what does that mean for you?” he asked.
Leonard sighed again and shrugged. “I don’t know. I can’t even think about that yet. I just…I really thought I could help people dealing with this disease.”
Jim nodded. He knew this would be the worst part for Bones. He’d been so invested. “I know Bones. But, you know that everything you’ve done over the last nine years has contributed, and has helped.”
“Yeah, Jim. I know.”
But Jim knew he didn’t believe it.
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Leonard sat back in his chair and closed his eyes. He couldn’t look at the computer screen any more. He couldn’t wrap his mind, heart, or soul around the failure that was just spelled out on the screen, in plain black and white.
His failure. Again.
Except now it wasn’t just his father, but a total of 200 ALS patients who had taken part in his clinical
trial over the last nine years. Every single one of them who had made it this long were still suffering from the inexorable progression of the insidious disease. Not even just them, but all the patients out there who’d heard about the promise in this new drug regimen - who’d lived their lives with their loved ones urging them to hang in there just a little while longer, because a new therapy was coming.
He’d failed them all.
“Diappointed” didn’t even touch the crushing ache he felt as he forced himself to review the collated information, and turn his eyes back to the computer screen. Writing this final review felt like he was writing his own eulogy.
Thalidomide wasn’t the answer. It wasn’t even part of the solution.
After all the rounds of trials that included over 200 patients from across the United States over the past nine years, the data was conclusive. The therapeutic effect of thalidomide was helpful at only extremely high doses. Unfortunately, at those doses it wasn’t possible to mitigate the toxic effects of the drug, and it caused severe, irreversible cardiac harm.
In short, it might help slow the progression of the ALS, but it would kill the patient in the process.
It was over.
“You okay?”
Leonard raised his eyes to the source of the question. Geoffrey M’Benga, a neurospecialist researcher hired to work with him when the trial expanded, stood in his doorway.
“No,” he answered truthfully.
Geoff nodded and came into the office, closing the door behind him. He settled in the chair across from Leonard and put what he’d been holding on the desk between them.
“I bought this,” he said, “the day you hired me. I knew we’d be using it one way or the other.”
Leonard smirked as he turned the bottle around. Blue Label.
Geoff took it from him and twisted it open. He poured for both of them, pushing Leonard’s glass towards him. Leonard hesitated for a second, but picked it up. It was already late, Jim knew he was going to be late, and this was one of the most disheartening days of his professional life.
What the hell, he thought. It’s not like I can have Geoff drinking alone.
Geoff raised his glass when Leonard took his, and Leonard raised his eyebrow before following suit.
“To better luck next time,” Geoff said.
Leonard snorted and they clinked their glasses.
“If there is a next time,” he mumbled, bringing the glass to his lips.
Geoff settled back in the chair, looking at Leonard speculatively.
“Of course there’ll be a next time,” he said. “ALS isn’t going to just disappear on its own. This was a setback, for sure, but…”
“C’mon Geoff. This was more than a setback. Do you know how much money was poured into this study?”
“Yes. Enough to hire you, me, and a research assistant, at least. But so what? So we found something that doesn’t work. Some of what we learned can be used in the lenalidomide trial, and that’s looking promising. Besides, there are cancer patients who are benefitting from all the work you’ve done.”
“Hmph,” Leonard said, acknowledging that point. And it wasn’t a small thing, either, to have discovered that thalidomide inhibited the growth of new blood vessels. That discovery led to another therapy for malignant tumors, ‘cause tumors can’t grow without a blood supply. So, yes, there was some good. Just not the good they’d been hoping for. Not the good he’d had his heart set on. Not the good that could’ve helped others like his father.
They sat there, in Leonard’s office, talking and drinking for about an hour. Leonard assured Geoff that he’d do everything he could to keep him on staff, even though his own position wasn’t guaranteed. And if there was room for them on the lenalidomide trial, that might work out for both of them.
“I don’t think you have to worry about losing your position here,” Geoff said. “You’re a respected neurologist, and you’ve helped the university build a great program. They’d be stupid to let you go. Me…there’s not as much invested in me. But I’m not worried about me, either.”
Leonard admired Geoff’s optimism. Just like Jim’s. Probably why they worked together so well. They talked about shutting down and calling it a night, but ended up staying through one more glass each, though Leonard knew that probably wasn’t a good idea. Jim wasn’t going to like it, and he shouldn’t be drinking on an empty stomach. But it felt good to relax and commiserate with someone who truly understood and appreciated the depth of disappointment. Jim cared, of course, but he wasn’t the one who’d put nine years of his life into something that ended up being a dead end.
An hour later, they left the office together, flipping off the lights and locking the door behind them.
“You good to get home?” Leonard asked Geoff as they headed to the elevators that would take them to the parking garage. This section of the hospital was all offices, and it was mostly quiet at this time of night.
“Yeah, I’m fine. You?”
Leonard considered that carefully before answering. In his office, he’d felt a little light-headed and sleepy, but now he felt steady on his feet and the more he walked the better he felt. Home was just a few minutes’ drive on surface streets and traffic would be lessened at this hour.
On the other hand…
“I think I’m gonna call a cab,” he said. “I think I’m okay, but it would just top this fucking day off to be pulled over. And you should take the cab with me.”
He pulled out his cell and searched for the saved number. He remembered the night he’d made Jim put it in his phone, too. It’d be stupid not to use it. Jim wasn’t going to be happy with him either way, but he’d be furious if he thought Leonard had been careless, too.
“Nah, doc…we’re going in two different directions. I’m okay to drive,” Geoff insisted.
In the end, Geoff had pacified Leonard by waiting to leave until the cab arrived, and demonstrated his sobriety in that time with a series of simple checks. Leonard felt his decision to call a cab for himself was a good one when he couldn’t do the same checks without getting a little dizzy each time he closed his eyes.
“Goodnight Leo…and this sucks, but don’t let it stop you. There’s a lot left to do,” Geoff said as he got into his car.
Leonard nodded and waved as Geoff drove off, then settled himself into the cab and gave his address to the driver. Tipping his head back, he closed his eyes as the driver made his way through the streets to his neighborhood. He sighed at the thought of everything they still had to deal with…not the least of which was finding a new place to live. Everything had stalled when he’d moved into this final stage of the trial, and it wasn’t that he’d forgotten about things or didn’t think they were important, he’d just ended up buried in the work.
“Sir,” the driver said, rousing him from his reverie. “Which building, please?”
Leonard directed the driver to his building and paid the fare, and moments later he was letting himself into the dark apartment. He was even later tonight than last night, and he wasn’t surprised when Jim didn’t call to him. He set the alarm, grabbed a water and couple of Tylenol, figuring it was better to be proactive, and made his way through the apartment.
As usual, he stopped to check in on Jo, who was so soundly asleep she didn’t even stir tonight. There was a light on in his bedroom, spilling out into the darkened hallway, but he didn’t hear anything that sounded like Jim was still up. He pushed the door open and saw that Jim had tried to wait up for him but had fallen asleep, glasses on, and whatever he’d been working on strewn around him on the bed.
Leonard hesitated, unsure if he should wake Jim or just get himself ready and get to bed. In the end, he decided to take care of himself first. The last thing he wanted was a long conversation about the drinks he had tonight. It would be bad enough when Jim realized he’d left his car the night before.
Decision made, he hurried to change and clean up, making sure to brush and use mouthwash. He shut off the bathroom light and headed to the bed where Jim was still out like a light. He carefully gathered the papers that Jim had fallen asleep with, glancing down at one of them, a familiar name jumping out at him.
“Ryan” - he wondered if it was the same kid who’d gotten Jim’s attention a couple of weeks ago. He shook his head to himself…to figure out what was going on with Ryan and help him, if possible, had been so important to Jim, and now he didn’t even know what was going on with that.
He had a lot of catching up to do.
“Jim,” he said quietly. “Darlin’, c’mon…let’s get you lyin’ down better. You’re going to hurt your neck like this.” Kneeling on the bed beside Jim, he gently shook his shoulder and smiled softly at him as he blinked awake, his eyes taking a second to focus behind the lenses. Leonard removed the glasses from his face and set them aside.
“Bones…glad you’re home,” Jim murmured. He wiped a hand over his mouth. “Ugh…I think I drooled all over myself.”
“That’s okay, Darlin’…you still look good to me. You want some water or anything?”
“Nah, I’m fine.”
“Okay…let’s lay down. I’m exhausted, Jo’s sound asleep, and it’s really late.”
Jim nodded, moving to lay down and pull the covers over himself as Leonard stretched to turn off the bedside light.
“Did you get everything done?” Jim asked as he moved to lie against Leonard, sighing sleepily as Leonard put an arm around him to hold him to his side securely.
“Just about. Geoff has to compile one more section, then we’re submitting the final report.”
“Good…” Jim said, sleep pulling him swiftly down. But even as he was falling back asleep, he thought he caught a whiff of a scent from his childhood…a scent with no good memories attached, and his dreams that night were unsettled.
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Jo woke to the smell of bacon. Sitting up, she brushed her hair out of her eyes and glanced at the clock next to her bed. It was only eight, and it was Saturday. She didn’t usually sleep much later than that, but she and oide had been up playing board games pretty late last night, waiting for her dad. Oide warned her that he might be very late, but he let her stay up anyway. She didn’t remember going to bed, though, and she wondered if oide had carried her in here. That thought embarrassed her a little. It wasn’t like she was a baby any more, or anything.
Anyway, bacon. Someone was making breakfast.
Pushing the blankets off, she shifted the nightgown she was wearing around, making sure it wasn’t caught in her underwear in the back like that one time, then hurried out of her room to the bathroom, and then out to the kitchen.
“Daddy!” Jo exclaimed happily.
“Hey Baby,” Leonard said, turning around with a smile on his face. “C’mere…I missed you last night.”
Jo ran to him, jumping to help him lift her into a big hug.
“I tried to wait up for you with oide. We must’ve played a hundred rounds of Scrabble!”
“Aw, well, I’m sorry I was so late, Darlin’. But we’re going to spend the day together with Sam and Kimmie and Janie, and next week will be back to normal with my schedule.”
“Good,” Jo said. “I don’t like it when I don’t see you for a whole day, Daddy.”
“I know, Baby. I don’t like it either.”
“Morning,” Jim said, coming in to the kitchen, smiling at the sight of his two favorite people together.
“Mornin’ Jim,” Leonard said, reaching an arm out to him. Jim joined them with a chuckle and they were linked in a three person hug for a couple of seconds.
“You’re squishing me!” Jo giggled, squirming to be put down. Leonard kissed her cheek noisily and Jim squeezed her side where she was the most ticklish, making her laugh until they finally let her go. “I’m gonna go feed Jack,” she announced.
“Okay, Baby…you do that. How many pancakes do you want?” Leonard called as she skipped out of the kitchen.
“Three, and I’m not a baby!”
“You’ll always be my baby!” Leonard called back, turning back to the bacon in the pan. Jim folded his arms over his chest and shook his head, smiling at their banter.
“You’re in a good mood this morning,” Jim observed, happy to see that Bones seemed to be more of his usual self.
Leonard leaned towards Jim for a kiss, and Jim smiled, obliging him.
“I am. I’m not happy with what’s going on at work….but that’s work. I am so happy to be able to spend time with you and Jo…and then with you,” he said, his voice lowering slightly as he winked at Jim.
“I’m not sure what’ll happen over the next few weeks, but for now, I need to focus on us, and on everything I made us leave up in the air while I was buried in work.”
Jim blinked, unsure what to make of this striking change in Bones’ attitude between the day before and today. Not that he wasn’t grateful for it…he agreed that they needed to reconnect with each other and their lives…but it was still surprising. He watched as Bones transferred the cooked bacon from the pan to a paper towel-lined plate, wondering if he should bring up what he thought he remembered from last night…a scent that he associated with nothing but trouble, from his childhood.
“Want to pour the pancakes?” Leonard asked, looking over his shoulder at Jim.
“Sure,” he replied, stepping up to the oven top and taking the bowl and ladle from Leonard. And as they stood there, making breakfast and listening to Jo tapping out some of the songs she’d learned on the keyboard, Jim decided to keep it to himself. They needed this weekend and he didn’t want to do anything to ruin it.
A few minutes later they were calling Jo to the table for breakfast and Jim let himself relax into the warm familiarity of their little family. They talked about the plans for the day, going down to the beach with Janie and Kimmie and Sam. Leonard caught up with everything that had been going on with Jo at school over the last week. He hadn’t been completely out of the loop, but it always brought a smile to his face to hear his daughter talk about a book she read or something new she learned. Lately, she’d taken to hanging around Hikaru Sulu, who was the McKinley IT admin and de facto computer lab teacher, and she’d been learning some basic programming from him.
“I did a simple program that made a picture, Daddy. It’s in my backpack. I’ll show you later.”
“That’s great, Jo! Is that something you want to learn more about?”
Jo took a big bite of the pancakes and nodded enthusiastically. “It’s cool to see how to make computers do things.”
“Well maybe we can get you enrolled in a summer program or something,” Jim suggested, and Leonard nodded. They were always looking for fun programs for during the summer while they both worked and Jo was out of school. “I think I remember seeing a notice about something for a program like that at one of the charter schools. I’ll see about it on Monday.”
“’Kay, thank you oide.”
Jim smiled, and reached to tousle her hair. “You’re welcome, sweetie.”
“So are we gonna meet Janie and Kimmie at the beach?” Jo asked, changing the topic to their plans for today.
Jim nodded. “That was the idea. We figured we’d meet by the ice cream place, Sally’s, and then find a good spot on the beach. We should take your car, Bones. Mine has the check engine light on. Probably nothing, but I want to get it checked out this weekend, too.”
Leonard shook his head. “My car’s not here. If you’re worried, we can go to the hospital and get it, then drop your car off at the garage.”
Jim hesitated before answering, keeping his eyes on his plate. “Why isn’t your car here?”
Before Leonard could either answer or suggest Jo go get ready, she did it for him.
“I’m going to put my beach stuff together and get dressed. Good breakfast, Daddy!” she said, standing and bringing her dishes to the sink. She stopped to give each of them slightly sticky kisses and Leonard reminded her to wash her face, too.
“Why is your car at the hospital?” Jim asked again, once Joanna was out of the room.
“I don’t want you to worry…everything’s fine. Geoff and I shared a couple of drinks since we’re at the close of the trial. It wasn’t anything planned; he just came to my office with the bottle he’d bought and a couple of glasses. And I probably was fine to drive home, but I figured I may as well just call a cab. Just in case.”
Jim was quiet, eyes on his plate, as he listened to Bones explain what had gone on last night. And the memory of that intensely minty scent that he’d recognized from his childhood, and associated with hiding another smell, came back to him.
Bones never used mouthwash.
But he wasn’t lying, either. He was being up front about what had gone on and why his car wasn’t here. And Jim knew the feelings he had about this were an overreaction. He knew it, but knowing it didn’t make it any easier.
“Jim?” Leonard said after a couple of seconds of silence. “You were so sound asleep last night…otherwise I would’ve told you then.”
And Jim made a decision - Bones had never given him reason to not trust and believe him about anything. This was no different. So, he forced his discomfort down, ignored the little voice that kept repeating, “twice, in two days - that you know of”, and pushed the memories aside.
“Okay, Bones. No problem. I’m glad you decided to call a cab,” he said, looking up and putting a smile on his face.
Bones was watching him carefully, and slowly the smile started to feel more real. It was so obvious that he cared so much. To worry over this was stupid.
“Yeah? You’re not upset?” Leonard checked.
Jim shrugged. “Nah. I don’t particularly like it, but I’m not upset over it. I may have been if you had decided to drive home that late, though.”
Relieved, Leonard nodded. “That’s what I thought, and that’s why I called a cab.”
Jim nodded and took a second to finish his orange juice, and Leonard wasn’t an idiot. Although Jim was saying what he’d hoped he would say, he could tell that Jim wasn’t feeling it. At least, not completely.
He’d just have to show him.
“So,” Jim said, putting his empty glass down. “Let’s do what you said…let’s leave in about half an hour, get your car, drop mine off at the repair shop, and we should have plenty of time to meet Sam and the girls.”
“Sounds good, Darlin’. Here, let me have the plates - I’ll clean up if you want to go get ready.”
Less than two hours later, Sam, Jim and Leonard were sitting on foldable chairs, watching the girls splash around at the water’s edge. It was breezy today, but warm, and though the water was cold, they had fun splashing and running away from the waves. After a little while the Janie and Jo sat down to make as big a sandcastle as they could imagine, complete with shell decorations, gardens of seaweed, and a moat that was continually filled by the reach of the waves as they rushed the shore. Kimmie, who at fifteen thought she was too old for sandcastles, lay on a blanket not too far from them, watching. And making the occasional suggestion.
“Oide, can you take a picture of our sandcastle?” Jo called to them, holding a hand over her eyes against the glare of the sun.
“Sure thing, sweetie,” Jim called back. “Be right there.”
He turned to his bag and pulled out a digital camera.
“Jim, would you bring the sunblock with you. Aurelan threatened my life if Janie got sunburned.”
“Sure…where is it?”
“Here. Have Jo put some on to,” Leonard said, handing him the tube.
“And Kim…”
“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Jim tossed over his shoulder as he made his way down to where they girls were working.
Once his brother was out of earshot, Sam turned to Leonard.
“This may not exactly be my place, but is everything ok with you two?” he asked.
Surprised that Sam had picked up on anything, Leonard shifted in his seat and turned to look at him speculatively. “Did Jim say something?” he asked.
Sam shook his head. “No. But I know my brother, and I feel like I know you, too, by now. You guys just don’t seem as…easy…with each other as you usually are, that’s all.”
Sam watched as Leonard looked away from him, keeping his eyes on the girls and Jim.
“Look, you don’t have to tell me what’s going on, obviously,” Sam said into the silence. “But I know relationships can be hard sometimes…and according to my wife, Kirks are hard-headed assholes on occasion, so…”
Leonard smiled at that, and looked over at Sam. “Thanks, Sam. I appreciate it. This past week was a hard one. I worked really late every night and pretty much counted on Jim to take care of everything, even Jo. But it was a temporary situation, and this coming week everything will go back to normal,” he said, leaving out what he knew was the real issue. If Jim wanted to talk to Sam about it, so be it. Leonard didn’t feel like dealing with possibly two people prone to overreacting to something as simple as having a few drinks. “I think Jim was feeling ignored, and I don’t blame him for that at all. But other than that, everything’s fine.”
Sam regarded Leonard for a moment, then looked back toward the shore where his brother was taking picture after picture of the girls, laughing at their antics for the camera.
“Well, I’m glad to hear that’s all it is. Work can be a bitch, especially when there’s something unusual going on.”
They changed the subject then, and when Jim came back to the chairs he sat down with a smile.
“The girls said they were getting hungry. Any ideas on lunch?” he asked.
They talked about where to go and how to spend the rest of their day, and after a few more minutes, decisions were made. Leonard went to call the girls in and bring them to the nearby restroom to get changed. While he was doing that, Sam and Jim collected the things they’d brought down with them, and Sam took the opportunity to check in with his little brother, too. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Leonard, but Jim was his brother.
Jim wasn’t surprised when Sam asked him what was going on, nor was he surprised to hear that he’d already asked Bones.
“You know, sometimes I’m not sure who’s more nosy…you or your wife,” Jim said with a sigh.
Sam smirked. “She rubbed off on me,” he said easily. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
Jim hesitated before answering. Talking to Sam actually might not be a bad idea. If anyone could understand his hang-up, Sam could. But now wasn’t the time.
“Jim?” Sam prompted again.
“It’s just been a really busy week, and Bones wasn’t around most of the time. I was just stressed, working all day then having Jo all night. But everything’s fine.”
“Okay, good. You know, though, little brother, that if you ever want to talk about anything, I’m here for you.”
Jim smiled and nodded. He knew he could always count on Sam. “I know, and I appreciate it.”
They spent the rest of the afternoon together, stopping for lunch at a popular burger place and then poking through some of the little shops along the street. Jim and Leonard were walking close enough to discreetly link their fingers, and Leonard smiled at Jim when he did. Things seemed to be getting back to normal, and he was so grateful for that.
“Dad!” Kim’s call to her father interrupted their conversation about where to look for a house, and they all looked to the three girls. “Janie’s doing it again.”
“Shit,” Sam murmured. He hurried up to them as Janie was taking a seat on a bench. Kim was rubbing her back and Jo was watching her worriedly. Janie coughed, a hoarse-sounding cough and took a deep breath. The three adults reached her and Sam knelt down in front of her. “How do you feel baby?” he asked her.
“Like I’ve been running and I can’t catch my breath,” she said, and Leonard thought he could hear wheezing in her voice but the ambient sounds were too loud.
Sam cupped her face and looked over his shoulder. “Jim, do you have any water?”
“Yeah…here,” Jim said, handing a water bottle to him. “Bones, is there anything…?”
“Janie, honey, you mind if I listen to your breathing?”
“No, Uncle Len, that’s fine,” she said.
“Okay, Darlin’, just turn sideways - just like that. I’m gonna put my ear against your back. Take some deep breaths for me, honey…”
Everyone watched while Leonard listened to Janie breathe for a couple of moments, and while he did, her coughing lessened and the tight, pinched look on her face relaxed as her symptoms abated.
Leonard straightened and Janie sat back against the bench.
“Yeah, I could definitely hear the results of the tightness she was feeling, Sam,” Leonard said. “And you did good, Janie, just to sit and relax until it passed. Ignoring it will make it worse, and we certainly don’t want that, do we?”
“No, we don’t,” she said decisively. “I don’t like it.”
“You just sit and rest for a couple more minutes, okay?”
Janie nodded and Leonard stood up. “Did her doctor give you a rescue inhaler?”
Sam shook his head. “No…she’s never experienced symptoms quite like that. Usually it happens when she’s running around, and it passes quickly. This time it happened out of nowhere.”
“When are you supposed to take her back to the doctor?” Leonard asked.
“They wanted us to track her symptoms for a week.”
But Leonard shook his head. “No, that was definitely an asthmatic event. Take her on Monday. Or, Sam…and I don’t want to scare you…but if she has something happen like that again, and it lasts more than five minutes, you need to get her to the hospital. Asthma is not something to fool around with.”
Sam nodded his understanding, his eyes landing on his little girl, worry written across his face.
“Do you want us to keep Jo home tonight?” Jim offered?
Sam considered that for a moment, but ultimately shook his head. “If you guys don’t mind, I’d like her to come anyway. They play so well together, it makes it easier to keep Janie quiet and calm.”
“Sure,” Leonard said. “No problem, and I know Jo will be happy to be there. But if anything happens, Sam…call us.”
“Of course. How’re you doing Janie?”
“Back to normal,” she replied, standing. “Can we get ice cream?”
Jim laughed. “Yeah, she’s back to normal all right.”
“Ice cream, then let’s head home. Sound good?” Sam asked.
Leonard smiled as everyone agreed, and he followed the group back up the street to the place they originally started their day.
.
Author: Caera1996
Rating for this Part: PG
W/C: 7,294
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Timeline Notes: A third anchor story (novel-length) in TBoPE/LAWG verse. Set five years after the end of Learning As We Go.
Content Notes: My medical knowledge is limited to what I can Google. The information about the results from the thalidomide study can be found here: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19733563
This Part: Work is taking its toll on Leonard and Jim, in more ways than one. Leonard touches upon Jim’s deep-seated insecurities regarding drinking, and though they are trying to reconnect with each other, Sam realizes that something is up. In the meantime, Janie has been experiencing some troubling symptoms.
.
Leonard let himself into the mostly dark apartment, and his eyes immediately went to the illuminated digital clock above the stove.
Nearly ten - time had gotten away from him and he’d left the hospital a lot later than he’d meant to. Again.
“Bones?” Jim’s voice came from the direction of the family room.
“Yeah, Jim, I’m home. Sorry I’m so late.”
Jim entered the kitchen and turned on the lights, watching as Leonard put his briefcase down on a chair and
loosened his tie.
“It’s okay…been a real busy week, huh?”
Leonard sighed, a hand passing over his eyes.
“Yeah.”
“Want to talk about it?”
“No, not really.”
Jim pressed his lips together worriedly. Whatever had been going on at work for Bones over the last few days obviously wasn’t getting better, and it was taking its toll on him, and Jim didn’t know what to do. He was used to them being there for each other, but at some point Bones had decided that he didn’t feel like explaining things to him. It was hard, and frustrating, but instead of pushing, Jim decided to be as supportive as possible in other ways, trusting that Bones would come back to him.
“I’ve got a plate of dinner for you ready to be warmed up in the fridge. Interested?”
Leonard almost refused, but then he took a good look at Jim, and realized that he looked concerned and tense. Abruptly, Leonard realized that he’d been moving through his days and nights without really acknowledging everything Jim was doing to make his late nights possible. He’d been late every night this week, and even worse, he hadn’t been home to put his own daughter to bed three days in a row now…not a particularly long time for some, but a very long time to them. It just wasn’t how they usually worked, and the wrongness of it was starting to take its toll on everyone.
“Yeah, that’d be great, Jim, thanks. And…” he paused, unsure of how to say what he knew needed to be said. He looked up at Jim, meeting his eyes with such an apologetic look, that Jim hurried to come around the table and envelope him in a tender hug.
“It’s okay, Bones,” Jim whispered, closing his eyes in relief as they held each other tightly. Jim had been so concerned that he was the only one feeling the distance of the past few days. It’d been so disconcerting and out of character, it’d given him a stomach ache. Add to that the fact that Jo was missing her dad every night, and…yeah. It’d been a long week so far. “Let’s just get some dinner into you, and then get to bed. And if you want to tell me what’s been going on, I want to hear it.”
Sighing deeply, Leonard sank into a kitchen chair while Jim got the plate out of the fridge and stuck it in the microwave. “Want something to drink?” he asked.
Yeah, Leonard thought. I need a drink.
“I’ll get it,” he said, standing and heading out to the family room. There was a small, hardly ever used side cabinet that they kept what little alcohol they had - just a few bottles of wine, and a bottle of Jim Bean. He couldn’t remember the last time he opened this bottle, but after today, he just needed it.
Coming back in to the kitchen, he got a glass from the cabinet and poured himself a small amount. He noticed, but made the conscious decision not to acknowledge, Jim’s surprised look. Leonard hardly ever drank at all, and Jim even less than that. His surprise wasn’t out of place, but he didn’t say anything about it, and Leonard didn’t protest when Jim discreetly removed the bottle from the table, capped it, and set it on the counter behind them.
“Here you go, Bones. It’s just pasta with some of the sauce you had frozen in the freezer, so I hope it’s okay,” Jim said. “Jo and I enjoyed it…I think there’s some left over salad, too, if you want it…” He put the plate in front of him and hesitated when Leonard grasped his wrist.
“Hey. This is perfect, I don’t need anything else,” Leonard replied. He tugged, and Jim bent to him, a small smile on his face. He kissed Jim gently, trying to convey his gratefulness and apology. He closed his eyes when he felt Jim gently cup his head. “Thank you. For everything.”
“Of course, Bones. I’m just sorry you’re having such a hard time with….whatever is going on at work.” Jim slid into the chair beside Leonard and grabbed a banana out of the bowl in the center of the table. Hungry now that food was in front of him, Leonard took a bite of the dinner Jim prepared.
They both ate in silence for a couple of minutes, Jim glancing at Bones every now and then. He wanted them to talk…he wanted to know what was going on at work for Bones…and he wanted to talk about his own work. Then there was the appointment with the real estate attorney they’d canceled, but not yet rescheduled. And Jo’s schooling…and Jim just felt…disconnected. And he didn’t like it. But it was late, and Bones looked tired. So, he did what he’d been doing this whole week: he kept it all to himself for now. The weekend was just a day away. They’d sort themselves out then.
“What’s on the schedule for tomorrow?” Jim asked after a few minutes.
Leonard sighed. “More of the same. Class in the morning, then to the hospital.”
“Do you think you’ll be late again?” he asked hesitantly.
Leonard looked up at Jim, hearing the note of discontent in his voice, and feeling uncomfortably guilty about it. “I - I don’t know Jim. I’ll try not to be.”
“Oh…okay.”
“But we’ll have the weekend together,” Leonard continued, wanting to make things better, even though it seemed like a weak offering. The smile Jim gave him, though, made him feel like it was exactly what Jim needed to hear.
“That’ll be good,” he said enthusiastically. “We can all spend the day together on Saturday - Jo’s been asking about going to the beach with Sam and the girls since Aurelan is away for a show - and then Sam said he’d love if she slept over.”
Leonard took a swallow of his drink and closed his eyes as the warmth spread through him. “Saddle Sam with all three of them?” Leonard asked. “Shouldn’t we be taking Janie and Kimmie to give him a break?”
Jim shook his head, a small smile on his face. Here Bones was working his ass off all week, and he was worried about making sure Sam had enough help while Aurelan was away. God, I love him, Jim thought. “No, I already offered that. Kimmie’s going to be sleeping over a friend’s house, and Sam would prefer to keep Janie home and have Jo over to keep her busy.”
“Oh, okay. Not that I want to talk him out of that, but why? What’s up with Janie?”
Jim shrugged, and leaned back in his chair. “Nothing too major. Apparently she’s been experiencing some coughing and tightness in her chest when she runs around, and her pediatrician thinks she might be developing asthma. The doctor wants them to track her symptoms for a week.”
Leonard nodded, frowning as he took that in. Pediatric asthma was nothing to fool around with. He hoped that wasn’t what was going on.
“Done?” Jim asked, and Leonard shook himself out of his thoughts. “Or do you want some more?”
“Oh, no…that was great…thanks,” he replied as Jim stood and took the empty plate from him. He finished his drink then stood and joined Jim at the sink, putting the glass aside and wrapping his arms around Jim from behind.
“I feel like I’ve missed you so much this week,” Leonard said softly. Jim turned he water off and turned around in Bones’ arms. His eyes traveled over Bones’ face, and he leaned in to kiss him, the taste of the alcohol an unpleasant counterpoint that Jim forced himself to ignore. It doesn’t mean anything.
“I’ve missed you, too. I wish there was something I could do to help you with everything.”
A shuttered look came into Bones’ eyes and he pulled away, a tenseness in his frame that wasn’t there a moment ago, and again Jim wondered what was going on that was causing him such concern.
“I’m exhausted, and because of your dinner, satisfied and full. I feel like I could sleep a week, but mornin’s comin’ fast. Bed?”
“Yeah,” Jim replied, reaching to brush Leonard’s bangs away from his face. “Let’s go.”
Turning off the lights as they moved through the apartment, Leonard stopped at Jo’s door and quietly pushed it open. She was sound asleep, arms and legs flung out and blankets kicked off. He stepped into her room and knelt by her bed, gently moving her away from the edge and repositioning her, then replacing her blankets. She stirred, eyes opening slightly, and she sighed sleepily as a small smile touched her lips.
“Daddy, you’re home.”
“Hey Baby. I’ll see you in the mornin’. Love you.”
“Love you. Can you stay with me?” she asked, moving to hold her father’s arm and pressing her face to him. He stroked her hair, giving in and staying for a moment. He’d missed her, too, and he felt keenly that he’d not been paying enough attention to any of the people who mattered so much to him. Work wasn’t an excuse for that, but for this week, it was the reason.
Jim watched from the doorway as Leonard spent a few minutes with his daughter. Jo had been pretty good this week, though it was obvious she’d been missing her father. And no wonder. Aside from their brief mornings before everyone went to school and work, they hadn’t really spent any time together. Jo was always in bed hours before Bones got home. After watching them for a moment, as always, moved by how tender Bones was with his little girl, Jim continued down the hall to their own room.
Jim was just finishing brushing his teeth when Leonard joined him.
“She fall back asleep?”
“Yeah, you know how she never quite wakes all the way up.”
Jim nodded and they moved around each other, sharing the bathroom space as they each finished getting ready for bed. Jim pulled off his shirt and climbed under the covers in just his boxers. Leonard stripped down too, and sighed contentedly as he joined Jim. Instead of just moving in to their customary positions, Jim turned to lay facing Bones, tucking one arm under his pillow and curling the other around Bones’ shoulders, holding him.
Tired and distracted, but missing Jim and finally feeling a little more like himself as they lay there, Leonard closed his eyes as they kissed softly. Then Jim pulled away a little.
“Don’t shut me out,” he whispered against Leonard’s lips. “Whatever it is, Bones I want to hear all about it. Vent to me.” He swallowed, feeling uncomfortable but needing to say something. “I…I don’t ever want you to feel like a drink is a better way to handle things,” Jim admitted.
Leonard froze, and he opened his eyes to see that Jim wasn’t looking at him. A little annoyed, and feeling a little defensive, he replied without thinking. “I’m not Frank.”
Jim cringed slightly, and now did raise his eyes. “I know. I don’t think that, Bones. I just…I want to help you, and I’ve just felt like you couldn’t even be bothered to talk to me about whatever’s been keeping you working so late. And…” he trailed off, struggling with what he wanted to say. But to admit how terrifying it was to even contemplate going through something like that again, with someone he loved…and worse, with someone he’d allowed himself to grow to need…his throat ached and he finally said, “I guess I just need to know that you’re…okay.”
They held each other’s gaze for a minute, Leonard’s eyes softening finally as he realized there was no accusation in Jim’s. No accusation, no blame…just deep insecurity and worry. And there probably always would be, Leonard realized, when it came to this.
“I’m okay,” Leonard said sincerely. “I promise you, I’m okay. That drink I had tonight was the first out of that bottle in months - probably since we got it - and it’s the first drink I’ve had in months, period. I’m sorry it upset you so much, but it was just one drink I felt like having. Nothing else, and nothing to worry about.”
He pulled Jim to him again, holding him tightly, cupping his head and trailing his other hand down Jim’s bare back. Jim squeezed his eyes closed, pressing his face to Leonard’s shoulder. It was an overreaction, he knew. But it wasn’t something he could help, and he was relieved beyond belief that Bones seemed to understand that.
“I’m sorry, Darlin’. Everything is fine. Okay?”
“Okay,” Jim said quietly. He pulled back and it took a second before he could raise his eyes to Bones’ concerned gaze. “What’s going on at work?”
Leonard sighed and pulled away, rolling on to his back. He really didn’t want to talk about this, but he now that he knew how freaked out Jim had been, and why, how could he not? Jim propped himself up on an elbow to look down at him.
“The trial is coming to a close,” Leonard said. “And we finished collating all the information for it last week, and now we’re in the middle of writing the papers to submit to the FDA.”
“Right,” Jim said. “I know that some of the results weren’t what you were expecting.”
“Well, it wasn’t a complete surprise…we could see the way it was going.”
“And it’s not going well?”
“No. Not at all.”
Jim was quiet for a moment, absorbing that. He knew how personally invested Leonard was in this trial. He also knew how promising it seemed to be in the beginning, and how widely respected his work had become. For this trial to end badly…
Jim was starting to understand why Bones was so distracted this week. There were a lot of repercussions to a failed trial - some of which he was only peripherally aware.
“So what does that mean for you?” he asked.
Leonard sighed again and shrugged. “I don’t know. I can’t even think about that yet. I just…I really thought I could help people dealing with this disease.”
Jim nodded. He knew this would be the worst part for Bones. He’d been so invested. “I know Bones. But, you know that everything you’ve done over the last nine years has contributed, and has helped.”
“Yeah, Jim. I know.”
But Jim knew he didn’t believe it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leonard sat back in his chair and closed his eyes. He couldn’t look at the computer screen any more. He couldn’t wrap his mind, heart, or soul around the failure that was just spelled out on the screen, in plain black and white.
His failure. Again.
Except now it wasn’t just his father, but a total of 200 ALS patients who had taken part in his clinical
trial over the last nine years. Every single one of them who had made it this long were still suffering from the inexorable progression of the insidious disease. Not even just them, but all the patients out there who’d heard about the promise in this new drug regimen - who’d lived their lives with their loved ones urging them to hang in there just a little while longer, because a new therapy was coming.
He’d failed them all.
“Diappointed” didn’t even touch the crushing ache he felt as he forced himself to review the collated information, and turn his eyes back to the computer screen. Writing this final review felt like he was writing his own eulogy.
Thalidomide wasn’t the answer. It wasn’t even part of the solution.
After all the rounds of trials that included over 200 patients from across the United States over the past nine years, the data was conclusive. The therapeutic effect of thalidomide was helpful at only extremely high doses. Unfortunately, at those doses it wasn’t possible to mitigate the toxic effects of the drug, and it caused severe, irreversible cardiac harm.
In short, it might help slow the progression of the ALS, but it would kill the patient in the process.
It was over.
“You okay?”
Leonard raised his eyes to the source of the question. Geoffrey M’Benga, a neurospecialist researcher hired to work with him when the trial expanded, stood in his doorway.
“No,” he answered truthfully.
Geoff nodded and came into the office, closing the door behind him. He settled in the chair across from Leonard and put what he’d been holding on the desk between them.
“I bought this,” he said, “the day you hired me. I knew we’d be using it one way or the other.”
Leonard smirked as he turned the bottle around. Blue Label.
Geoff took it from him and twisted it open. He poured for both of them, pushing Leonard’s glass towards him. Leonard hesitated for a second, but picked it up. It was already late, Jim knew he was going to be late, and this was one of the most disheartening days of his professional life.
What the hell, he thought. It’s not like I can have Geoff drinking alone.
Geoff raised his glass when Leonard took his, and Leonard raised his eyebrow before following suit.
“To better luck next time,” Geoff said.
Leonard snorted and they clinked their glasses.
“If there is a next time,” he mumbled, bringing the glass to his lips.
Geoff settled back in the chair, looking at Leonard speculatively.
“Of course there’ll be a next time,” he said. “ALS isn’t going to just disappear on its own. This was a setback, for sure, but…”
“C’mon Geoff. This was more than a setback. Do you know how much money was poured into this study?”
“Yes. Enough to hire you, me, and a research assistant, at least. But so what? So we found something that doesn’t work. Some of what we learned can be used in the lenalidomide trial, and that’s looking promising. Besides, there are cancer patients who are benefitting from all the work you’ve done.”
“Hmph,” Leonard said, acknowledging that point. And it wasn’t a small thing, either, to have discovered that thalidomide inhibited the growth of new blood vessels. That discovery led to another therapy for malignant tumors, ‘cause tumors can’t grow without a blood supply. So, yes, there was some good. Just not the good they’d been hoping for. Not the good he’d had his heart set on. Not the good that could’ve helped others like his father.
They sat there, in Leonard’s office, talking and drinking for about an hour. Leonard assured Geoff that he’d do everything he could to keep him on staff, even though his own position wasn’t guaranteed. And if there was room for them on the lenalidomide trial, that might work out for both of them.
“I don’t think you have to worry about losing your position here,” Geoff said. “You’re a respected neurologist, and you’ve helped the university build a great program. They’d be stupid to let you go. Me…there’s not as much invested in me. But I’m not worried about me, either.”
Leonard admired Geoff’s optimism. Just like Jim’s. Probably why they worked together so well. They talked about shutting down and calling it a night, but ended up staying through one more glass each, though Leonard knew that probably wasn’t a good idea. Jim wasn’t going to like it, and he shouldn’t be drinking on an empty stomach. But it felt good to relax and commiserate with someone who truly understood and appreciated the depth of disappointment. Jim cared, of course, but he wasn’t the one who’d put nine years of his life into something that ended up being a dead end.
An hour later, they left the office together, flipping off the lights and locking the door behind them.
“You good to get home?” Leonard asked Geoff as they headed to the elevators that would take them to the parking garage. This section of the hospital was all offices, and it was mostly quiet at this time of night.
“Yeah, I’m fine. You?”
Leonard considered that carefully before answering. In his office, he’d felt a little light-headed and sleepy, but now he felt steady on his feet and the more he walked the better he felt. Home was just a few minutes’ drive on surface streets and traffic would be lessened at this hour.
On the other hand…
“I think I’m gonna call a cab,” he said. “I think I’m okay, but it would just top this fucking day off to be pulled over. And you should take the cab with me.”
He pulled out his cell and searched for the saved number. He remembered the night he’d made Jim put it in his phone, too. It’d be stupid not to use it. Jim wasn’t going to be happy with him either way, but he’d be furious if he thought Leonard had been careless, too.
“Nah, doc…we’re going in two different directions. I’m okay to drive,” Geoff insisted.
In the end, Geoff had pacified Leonard by waiting to leave until the cab arrived, and demonstrated his sobriety in that time with a series of simple checks. Leonard felt his decision to call a cab for himself was a good one when he couldn’t do the same checks without getting a little dizzy each time he closed his eyes.
“Goodnight Leo…and this sucks, but don’t let it stop you. There’s a lot left to do,” Geoff said as he got into his car.
Leonard nodded and waved as Geoff drove off, then settled himself into the cab and gave his address to the driver. Tipping his head back, he closed his eyes as the driver made his way through the streets to his neighborhood. He sighed at the thought of everything they still had to deal with…not the least of which was finding a new place to live. Everything had stalled when he’d moved into this final stage of the trial, and it wasn’t that he’d forgotten about things or didn’t think they were important, he’d just ended up buried in the work.
“Sir,” the driver said, rousing him from his reverie. “Which building, please?”
Leonard directed the driver to his building and paid the fare, and moments later he was letting himself into the dark apartment. He was even later tonight than last night, and he wasn’t surprised when Jim didn’t call to him. He set the alarm, grabbed a water and couple of Tylenol, figuring it was better to be proactive, and made his way through the apartment.
As usual, he stopped to check in on Jo, who was so soundly asleep she didn’t even stir tonight. There was a light on in his bedroom, spilling out into the darkened hallway, but he didn’t hear anything that sounded like Jim was still up. He pushed the door open and saw that Jim had tried to wait up for him but had fallen asleep, glasses on, and whatever he’d been working on strewn around him on the bed.
Leonard hesitated, unsure if he should wake Jim or just get himself ready and get to bed. In the end, he decided to take care of himself first. The last thing he wanted was a long conversation about the drinks he had tonight. It would be bad enough when Jim realized he’d left his car the night before.
Decision made, he hurried to change and clean up, making sure to brush and use mouthwash. He shut off the bathroom light and headed to the bed where Jim was still out like a light. He carefully gathered the papers that Jim had fallen asleep with, glancing down at one of them, a familiar name jumping out at him.
“Ryan” - he wondered if it was the same kid who’d gotten Jim’s attention a couple of weeks ago. He shook his head to himself…to figure out what was going on with Ryan and help him, if possible, had been so important to Jim, and now he didn’t even know what was going on with that.
He had a lot of catching up to do.
“Jim,” he said quietly. “Darlin’, c’mon…let’s get you lyin’ down better. You’re going to hurt your neck like this.” Kneeling on the bed beside Jim, he gently shook his shoulder and smiled softly at him as he blinked awake, his eyes taking a second to focus behind the lenses. Leonard removed the glasses from his face and set them aside.
“Bones…glad you’re home,” Jim murmured. He wiped a hand over his mouth. “Ugh…I think I drooled all over myself.”
“That’s okay, Darlin’…you still look good to me. You want some water or anything?”
“Nah, I’m fine.”
“Okay…let’s lay down. I’m exhausted, Jo’s sound asleep, and it’s really late.”
Jim nodded, moving to lay down and pull the covers over himself as Leonard stretched to turn off the bedside light.
“Did you get everything done?” Jim asked as he moved to lie against Leonard, sighing sleepily as Leonard put an arm around him to hold him to his side securely.
“Just about. Geoff has to compile one more section, then we’re submitting the final report.”
“Good…” Jim said, sleep pulling him swiftly down. But even as he was falling back asleep, he thought he caught a whiff of a scent from his childhood…a scent with no good memories attached, and his dreams that night were unsettled.
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Jo woke to the smell of bacon. Sitting up, she brushed her hair out of her eyes and glanced at the clock next to her bed. It was only eight, and it was Saturday. She didn’t usually sleep much later than that, but she and oide had been up playing board games pretty late last night, waiting for her dad. Oide warned her that he might be very late, but he let her stay up anyway. She didn’t remember going to bed, though, and she wondered if oide had carried her in here. That thought embarrassed her a little. It wasn’t like she was a baby any more, or anything.
Anyway, bacon. Someone was making breakfast.
Pushing the blankets off, she shifted the nightgown she was wearing around, making sure it wasn’t caught in her underwear in the back like that one time, then hurried out of her room to the bathroom, and then out to the kitchen.
“Daddy!” Jo exclaimed happily.
“Hey Baby,” Leonard said, turning around with a smile on his face. “C’mere…I missed you last night.”
Jo ran to him, jumping to help him lift her into a big hug.
“I tried to wait up for you with oide. We must’ve played a hundred rounds of Scrabble!”
“Aw, well, I’m sorry I was so late, Darlin’. But we’re going to spend the day together with Sam and Kimmie and Janie, and next week will be back to normal with my schedule.”
“Good,” Jo said. “I don’t like it when I don’t see you for a whole day, Daddy.”
“I know, Baby. I don’t like it either.”
“Morning,” Jim said, coming in to the kitchen, smiling at the sight of his two favorite people together.
“Mornin’ Jim,” Leonard said, reaching an arm out to him. Jim joined them with a chuckle and they were linked in a three person hug for a couple of seconds.
“You’re squishing me!” Jo giggled, squirming to be put down. Leonard kissed her cheek noisily and Jim squeezed her side where she was the most ticklish, making her laugh until they finally let her go. “I’m gonna go feed Jack,” she announced.
“Okay, Baby…you do that. How many pancakes do you want?” Leonard called as she skipped out of the kitchen.
“Three, and I’m not a baby!”
“You’ll always be my baby!” Leonard called back, turning back to the bacon in the pan. Jim folded his arms over his chest and shook his head, smiling at their banter.
“You’re in a good mood this morning,” Jim observed, happy to see that Bones seemed to be more of his usual self.
Leonard leaned towards Jim for a kiss, and Jim smiled, obliging him.
“I am. I’m not happy with what’s going on at work….but that’s work. I am so happy to be able to spend time with you and Jo…and then with you,” he said, his voice lowering slightly as he winked at Jim.
“I’m not sure what’ll happen over the next few weeks, but for now, I need to focus on us, and on everything I made us leave up in the air while I was buried in work.”
Jim blinked, unsure what to make of this striking change in Bones’ attitude between the day before and today. Not that he wasn’t grateful for it…he agreed that they needed to reconnect with each other and their lives…but it was still surprising. He watched as Bones transferred the cooked bacon from the pan to a paper towel-lined plate, wondering if he should bring up what he thought he remembered from last night…a scent that he associated with nothing but trouble, from his childhood.
“Want to pour the pancakes?” Leonard asked, looking over his shoulder at Jim.
“Sure,” he replied, stepping up to the oven top and taking the bowl and ladle from Leonard. And as they stood there, making breakfast and listening to Jo tapping out some of the songs she’d learned on the keyboard, Jim decided to keep it to himself. They needed this weekend and he didn’t want to do anything to ruin it.
A few minutes later they were calling Jo to the table for breakfast and Jim let himself relax into the warm familiarity of their little family. They talked about the plans for the day, going down to the beach with Janie and Kimmie and Sam. Leonard caught up with everything that had been going on with Jo at school over the last week. He hadn’t been completely out of the loop, but it always brought a smile to his face to hear his daughter talk about a book she read or something new she learned. Lately, she’d taken to hanging around Hikaru Sulu, who was the McKinley IT admin and de facto computer lab teacher, and she’d been learning some basic programming from him.
“I did a simple program that made a picture, Daddy. It’s in my backpack. I’ll show you later.”
“That’s great, Jo! Is that something you want to learn more about?”
Jo took a big bite of the pancakes and nodded enthusiastically. “It’s cool to see how to make computers do things.”
“Well maybe we can get you enrolled in a summer program or something,” Jim suggested, and Leonard nodded. They were always looking for fun programs for during the summer while they both worked and Jo was out of school. “I think I remember seeing a notice about something for a program like that at one of the charter schools. I’ll see about it on Monday.”
“’Kay, thank you oide.”
Jim smiled, and reached to tousle her hair. “You’re welcome, sweetie.”
“So are we gonna meet Janie and Kimmie at the beach?” Jo asked, changing the topic to their plans for today.
Jim nodded. “That was the idea. We figured we’d meet by the ice cream place, Sally’s, and then find a good spot on the beach. We should take your car, Bones. Mine has the check engine light on. Probably nothing, but I want to get it checked out this weekend, too.”
Leonard shook his head. “My car’s not here. If you’re worried, we can go to the hospital and get it, then drop your car off at the garage.”
Jim hesitated before answering, keeping his eyes on his plate. “Why isn’t your car here?”
Before Leonard could either answer or suggest Jo go get ready, she did it for him.
“I’m going to put my beach stuff together and get dressed. Good breakfast, Daddy!” she said, standing and bringing her dishes to the sink. She stopped to give each of them slightly sticky kisses and Leonard reminded her to wash her face, too.
“Why is your car at the hospital?” Jim asked again, once Joanna was out of the room.
“I don’t want you to worry…everything’s fine. Geoff and I shared a couple of drinks since we’re at the close of the trial. It wasn’t anything planned; he just came to my office with the bottle he’d bought and a couple of glasses. And I probably was fine to drive home, but I figured I may as well just call a cab. Just in case.”
Jim was quiet, eyes on his plate, as he listened to Bones explain what had gone on last night. And the memory of that intensely minty scent that he’d recognized from his childhood, and associated with hiding another smell, came back to him.
Bones never used mouthwash.
But he wasn’t lying, either. He was being up front about what had gone on and why his car wasn’t here. And Jim knew the feelings he had about this were an overreaction. He knew it, but knowing it didn’t make it any easier.
“Jim?” Leonard said after a couple of seconds of silence. “You were so sound asleep last night…otherwise I would’ve told you then.”
And Jim made a decision - Bones had never given him reason to not trust and believe him about anything. This was no different. So, he forced his discomfort down, ignored the little voice that kept repeating, “twice, in two days - that you know of”, and pushed the memories aside.
“Okay, Bones. No problem. I’m glad you decided to call a cab,” he said, looking up and putting a smile on his face.
Bones was watching him carefully, and slowly the smile started to feel more real. It was so obvious that he cared so much. To worry over this was stupid.
“Yeah? You’re not upset?” Leonard checked.
Jim shrugged. “Nah. I don’t particularly like it, but I’m not upset over it. I may have been if you had decided to drive home that late, though.”
Relieved, Leonard nodded. “That’s what I thought, and that’s why I called a cab.”
Jim nodded and took a second to finish his orange juice, and Leonard wasn’t an idiot. Although Jim was saying what he’d hoped he would say, he could tell that Jim wasn’t feeling it. At least, not completely.
He’d just have to show him.
“So,” Jim said, putting his empty glass down. “Let’s do what you said…let’s leave in about half an hour, get your car, drop mine off at the repair shop, and we should have plenty of time to meet Sam and the girls.”
“Sounds good, Darlin’. Here, let me have the plates - I’ll clean up if you want to go get ready.”
Less than two hours later, Sam, Jim and Leonard were sitting on foldable chairs, watching the girls splash around at the water’s edge. It was breezy today, but warm, and though the water was cold, they had fun splashing and running away from the waves. After a little while the Janie and Jo sat down to make as big a sandcastle as they could imagine, complete with shell decorations, gardens of seaweed, and a moat that was continually filled by the reach of the waves as they rushed the shore. Kimmie, who at fifteen thought she was too old for sandcastles, lay on a blanket not too far from them, watching. And making the occasional suggestion.
“Oide, can you take a picture of our sandcastle?” Jo called to them, holding a hand over her eyes against the glare of the sun.
“Sure thing, sweetie,” Jim called back. “Be right there.”
He turned to his bag and pulled out a digital camera.
“Jim, would you bring the sunblock with you. Aurelan threatened my life if Janie got sunburned.”
“Sure…where is it?”
“Here. Have Jo put some on to,” Leonard said, handing him the tube.
“And Kim…”
“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Jim tossed over his shoulder as he made his way down to where they girls were working.
Once his brother was out of earshot, Sam turned to Leonard.
“This may not exactly be my place, but is everything ok with you two?” he asked.
Surprised that Sam had picked up on anything, Leonard shifted in his seat and turned to look at him speculatively. “Did Jim say something?” he asked.
Sam shook his head. “No. But I know my brother, and I feel like I know you, too, by now. You guys just don’t seem as…easy…with each other as you usually are, that’s all.”
Sam watched as Leonard looked away from him, keeping his eyes on the girls and Jim.
“Look, you don’t have to tell me what’s going on, obviously,” Sam said into the silence. “But I know relationships can be hard sometimes…and according to my wife, Kirks are hard-headed assholes on occasion, so…”
Leonard smiled at that, and looked over at Sam. “Thanks, Sam. I appreciate it. This past week was a hard one. I worked really late every night and pretty much counted on Jim to take care of everything, even Jo. But it was a temporary situation, and this coming week everything will go back to normal,” he said, leaving out what he knew was the real issue. If Jim wanted to talk to Sam about it, so be it. Leonard didn’t feel like dealing with possibly two people prone to overreacting to something as simple as having a few drinks. “I think Jim was feeling ignored, and I don’t blame him for that at all. But other than that, everything’s fine.”
Sam regarded Leonard for a moment, then looked back toward the shore where his brother was taking picture after picture of the girls, laughing at their antics for the camera.
“Well, I’m glad to hear that’s all it is. Work can be a bitch, especially when there’s something unusual going on.”
They changed the subject then, and when Jim came back to the chairs he sat down with a smile.
“The girls said they were getting hungry. Any ideas on lunch?” he asked.
They talked about where to go and how to spend the rest of their day, and after a few more minutes, decisions were made. Leonard went to call the girls in and bring them to the nearby restroom to get changed. While he was doing that, Sam and Jim collected the things they’d brought down with them, and Sam took the opportunity to check in with his little brother, too. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Leonard, but Jim was his brother.
Jim wasn’t surprised when Sam asked him what was going on, nor was he surprised to hear that he’d already asked Bones.
“You know, sometimes I’m not sure who’s more nosy…you or your wife,” Jim said with a sigh.
Sam smirked. “She rubbed off on me,” he said easily. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
Jim hesitated before answering. Talking to Sam actually might not be a bad idea. If anyone could understand his hang-up, Sam could. But now wasn’t the time.
“Jim?” Sam prompted again.
“It’s just been a really busy week, and Bones wasn’t around most of the time. I was just stressed, working all day then having Jo all night. But everything’s fine.”
“Okay, good. You know, though, little brother, that if you ever want to talk about anything, I’m here for you.”
Jim smiled and nodded. He knew he could always count on Sam. “I know, and I appreciate it.”
They spent the rest of the afternoon together, stopping for lunch at a popular burger place and then poking through some of the little shops along the street. Jim and Leonard were walking close enough to discreetly link their fingers, and Leonard smiled at Jim when he did. Things seemed to be getting back to normal, and he was so grateful for that.
“Dad!” Kim’s call to her father interrupted their conversation about where to look for a house, and they all looked to the three girls. “Janie’s doing it again.”
“Shit,” Sam murmured. He hurried up to them as Janie was taking a seat on a bench. Kim was rubbing her back and Jo was watching her worriedly. Janie coughed, a hoarse-sounding cough and took a deep breath. The three adults reached her and Sam knelt down in front of her. “How do you feel baby?” he asked her.
“Like I’ve been running and I can’t catch my breath,” she said, and Leonard thought he could hear wheezing in her voice but the ambient sounds were too loud.
Sam cupped her face and looked over his shoulder. “Jim, do you have any water?”
“Yeah…here,” Jim said, handing a water bottle to him. “Bones, is there anything…?”
“Janie, honey, you mind if I listen to your breathing?”
“No, Uncle Len, that’s fine,” she said.
“Okay, Darlin’, just turn sideways - just like that. I’m gonna put my ear against your back. Take some deep breaths for me, honey…”
Everyone watched while Leonard listened to Janie breathe for a couple of moments, and while he did, her coughing lessened and the tight, pinched look on her face relaxed as her symptoms abated.
Leonard straightened and Janie sat back against the bench.
“Yeah, I could definitely hear the results of the tightness she was feeling, Sam,” Leonard said. “And you did good, Janie, just to sit and relax until it passed. Ignoring it will make it worse, and we certainly don’t want that, do we?”
“No, we don’t,” she said decisively. “I don’t like it.”
“You just sit and rest for a couple more minutes, okay?”
Janie nodded and Leonard stood up. “Did her doctor give you a rescue inhaler?”
Sam shook his head. “No…she’s never experienced symptoms quite like that. Usually it happens when she’s running around, and it passes quickly. This time it happened out of nowhere.”
“When are you supposed to take her back to the doctor?” Leonard asked.
“They wanted us to track her symptoms for a week.”
But Leonard shook his head. “No, that was definitely an asthmatic event. Take her on Monday. Or, Sam…and I don’t want to scare you…but if she has something happen like that again, and it lasts more than five minutes, you need to get her to the hospital. Asthma is not something to fool around with.”
Sam nodded his understanding, his eyes landing on his little girl, worry written across his face.
“Do you want us to keep Jo home tonight?” Jim offered?
Sam considered that for a moment, but ultimately shook his head. “If you guys don’t mind, I’d like her to come anyway. They play so well together, it makes it easier to keep Janie quiet and calm.”
“Sure,” Leonard said. “No problem, and I know Jo will be happy to be there. But if anything happens, Sam…call us.”
“Of course. How’re you doing Janie?”
“Back to normal,” she replied, standing. “Can we get ice cream?”
Jim laughed. “Yeah, she’s back to normal all right.”
“Ice cream, then let’s head home. Sound good?” Sam asked.
Leonard smiled as everyone agreed, and he followed the group back up the street to the place they originally started their day.
.