Learning As We Go, Part 29 - in the Primary Ed. series
Title: Learning As We Go, Part 29
Author: Caera1996
Disclaimer: Not mine
Rating: PG-13
W/C: 5,731
Summary: Sequel to The Basics of Primary Ed. AU. It is possible to read this story without reading TBoPE first, but it will make much more sense if you do.
This part: Jim goes in for his surgery. He has a difficult start, but Bones helps get him through it.
Note: I have no medical background at all, and I’ve never been hospitalized for an in-patient procedure, so while I did a bit of online research, a lot of what follows is my best guess. Please read it with a grain of salt. Of course, all corrections are always welcome.
“Okay, Jo…now you remember that Aurelan is going to get you after school today and you’re going to stay with Janie until sometime Sunday, right?” Leonard asked, glancing in the rearview mirror to see her as he negotiated the busy parking lot at McKinley. Since it wasn’t going to be possible to hide the fact that Jim was going to be on bed rest while he recovered for most of next week, last night they’d talked to her briefly about why she was going to be staying with Aurelan for the next couple of days. She’d been full of questions about what was wrong with Jim, which they answered truthfully - and gently. Leonard was never keen on lying to her anyway. Soften the truth, absolutely - but not outright lie. Fortunately, she didn’t appear overly concerned about the situation, and was mostly excited to be able to spend the time with her friend.
“Right!” Joanna replied from the backseat. “Uncle Jim?”
Jim turned around in the passenger seat to smile at her. “What’s up sweetie?”
“You know my Benji?” she asked, referring to the favorite stuffed animal.
“Yes, of course. I believe I kissed him goodnight last night,” Jim replied.
Joanna giggled and nodded. “Well, I put him in the bag under your clothes. He always helps me if I get scared, and I told him to help you in case you get scared, too.”
“Aw, thank you so much Jo,” Jim said sincerely, touched by her thoughtfulness. Just like her father, Jim thought. “But are you sure you’re not going to need him?”
Joanna nodded. “I’m sure. I have someone else who’s gonna stay with me, and I’m just going to Janie’s house. I’m used to going there. You’re not used to going to the hospital.”
Leonard glanced at Jim and then in the rearview mirror to see his little girl. The empathy she displayed was really remarkable, and whether she was giving her books away to a daycare that needed materials, or secreting her favorite stuffed animal away in their overnight bag, she was proving to be a very caring little girl. He couldn’t have been more proud of her.
“Well, thank you very much,” Jim said again. “I know it’ll help to have Benji with me.”
“You’re welcome,” she said. A moment later, Leonard pulled up into a spot and parked. He and Jim got out of the car and Jim opened the backseat door, reaching in to help her undo the buckle on her booster seat. Joanna clambered out of the car, and threw her arms around Jim’s waist, squeezing him as tightly as she could. Jim wrapped an arm around her and gently smoothed down her hair.
“We’ll call you, okay Jo?” Jim said.
“Okay,” she said, letting go and looking up at him seriously. “Don’t forget. Don’t forget, Daddy,” she added, turning to look at her father when he joined them, her backpack in hand.
“I promise, Baby,” Leonard said. “I’m gonna walk you in to tell Miss Chapel that Aurelan is coming to get you today.”
“Okay,” Jo said, taking her father’s hand. “Bye Uncle Jim. See you in a few days!”
“Bye Jo! Have fun with Janie,” Jim said. He watched as father and daughter made their way to the entrance of the school, then slowly sat back down in the car. He was kind of relieved that Jo was gone. He wasn’t nearly as calm or confident as he’d portrayed, and frankly though it was kind of tiring to keep up the façade, he hadn’t wanted to let on how he was actually feeling with her around. Now that his reason for acting like everything was fine was gone, he was decidedly not fine. He felt sick to his stomach, and he thought it was very possible he might throw up, despite the fact that he hadn’t had anything to eat or drink since before nine the previous night.
Leaning his head back against the headrest, Jim closed his eyes and focused on his breathing, trying to calm himself. After a couple of minutes, Jim lifted his head and surveyed the covered walkway where parents, children and teachers still hurried about, looking for Bones. Jim didn’t see him yet. Glancing over at the driver’s side of the car, he saw that Bones had left the keys in the ignition. For a moment he entertained and distracted himself with the thought of sliding into the driver’s seat and driving away. Though ridiculous, it was an extremely appealing thought.
His musings were interrupted as Bones came back into view, heading towards the car, sans daughter. Missed my chance, Jim thought.
“Thinking about taking off?” Leonard asked as he sat back down in the car.
“No,” Jim said petulantly, a little annoyed at how easily and well Bones seemed to read him. Jim turned away from him to look out the passenger side window and Leonard rolled his eyes, reaching for Jim’s hand, and giving him a reassuring squeeze.
“I know you’re not feeling great,” he said, “but thank you for being so casual about everything with Jo.”
“Of course,” Jim replied, keeping his eyes on the scene familiar playing out in the parking lot. “No need for you to have to deal with two hysterical people this morning.”
Leonard shook his head and glanced over at Jim as he waited to be able to back out of the parking spot. “You’re fine…you’re not acting hysterical at all.”
“Not yet,” Jim mumbled. This was another worry that had plagued him that he was finally able to express clearly to Chris after learning to identify the different aspects of his phobia. He was worried, and embarrassed, about how other people saw him, and what they thought of the way he acted. He’d been too freaked out to care or dwell on this in the beginning, but having time to think about it over the last month had brought it more to the forefront.
Leonard had helped Jim with that particular feeling as much as he could, talking about his experiences with patients, and what he thought about the way they acted, as a doctor. Jim had been grateful for his point of view, and hearing how utterly uninterested he was in the way his patients behaved, beyond the clinical implication inherent in their behavior, did alleviate some of his embarrassment. But it was still something he was worried about. He hated the feeling of being out of control…of the situation…of his reactions - it all made him feel vulnerable and weak, which exacerbated the feeling of being out of control. It was a vicious cycle that fed on itself, and eventually spiraled into a panic attack.
Chris had made it possible for him to step back enough to pick the process of the phobia apart, look at it clinically, ultimately helping him recognize how each of the aspects of the phobia fed on each other. Jim knew that would help somewhat, but he also knew that just because he could be clinical about it when he wasn’t in the grip of a panic attack didn’t mean he’d be able to talk himself down before making a complete fool of himself in front of people.
“You have to remember,” Chris had said, more than once. “That everything you’re feeling - the fear, the panic, the embarrassment - it’s all amplified in your own head. You may feel like you’re close to losing it, and come off as just very nervous to someone else. So be honest when someone asks you how you’re feeling. If they know what’s going on in your head, they can help you with it.”
Well that was easier said than done, Jim had decided. He could tell Leonard what he was feeling, but he didn’t think he could be that honest with strangers.
Jim had been staring out of the window, watching the city pass as they drove from the school to San Francisco General.
“Bones,” Jim said quietly, swallowing around a lump in his throat as he hunched in on himself a little, feeling cold in a way that the jacket he was wearing couldn’t help.
“Hey,” Leonard said, hearing the distress in his voice. “It’s okay…you’re going to be just fine.” Bringing the car to a stop at a light, he looked over at Jim in concern, squeezing his hand again and then reaching up to clasp his shoulder. Jim leaned as close to Bones as he could, his elbow on the center console and his knee bounced agitatedly.
“You’re going to be with me the whole time,” Jim said, trying to remind and reassure himself.
“Yes,” Leonard said seriously, even though Jim hadn’t really asked. “Dr. Martine has signed off on that, and let everyone know that where you go, I go. I’ll be with you the whole time.”
“Okay,” Jim said. He stayed quiet for a few more moments, staring out the window without really seeing anything. “Hey Bones…I probably won’t think of it later, so thank you…for putting up with me and helping me to deal with all of this.”
“Jim, you don’t have to thank me for anything. I love you - I will do anything I can for you.”
Jim smiled slightly, feeling a little better to hear that. He knew it, of course. But hearing it…just made things seem a little less intimidating.
“So…when we get there…” Jim said, wanting to go over it again.
“When we get there we’ll check you in at the main desk. Probably wait for a while, because it wouldn’t be a hospital if they didn’t make us wait for a while. While we’re waiting for your room, we’ll probably go for an MRI, just to do one more check…”
Leonard continued talking through what their day was going to be like, as he’d done a couple of times before. If it helped Jim to hear it, he’d repeat it another ten times. Jim was scheduled for surgery at 3:30 today, and they’d told him to be there by 8:30 in the morning to get all the pre-op stuff done, and get him settled. Dr. Angela Martine was one of those surgeons who believed in a holistic approach to patient care, and she’d been extremely understanding and helpful when it came to making the arrangements that would help Jim get through this. She’d even met with them, along with Chris Pike, in her office one afternoon, explaining to Jim what to expect before and after the surgery that she was going to do laparoscopically.
She seemed to genuinely be warm and friendly - not some of the more common traits in surgeons - and she had an excellent record and came highly recommended. And, just as importantly, Jim seemed to like her. That was important because Chris had stressed more than once the need for Jim to communicate what he was feeling, and communicating with Leonard was all well and good, but he needed to communicate with his doctor as well.
A short while later, they were making their way into the hospital, Leonard leading them to where inpatient surgical cases checked in, got their requisite wrist bands, and inevitably cooled their heels as they waited for their room or their pre-op routine.
Jim balked at the doors when they automatically opened for someone else, and a gush of air that had that antiseptic, plastic, artificial smell that seemed to be common to all areas of a hospital flowed over them, slightly ruffling their hair. The smell of it took Jim right back to the last time he was here, and his throat closed up and he actually couldn’t breathe for a second.
He was going to die. If he went in there, something was going to happen and he was going to die.
Feeling dizzy and not really seeing where he was going, Jim turned and pushed past Leonard. He was shaky and weak, and he couldn’t draw a proper breath, but he also couldn’t ignore the desperate feeling of needing to get away. Somehow, despite the fact that his legs felt like jelly, he managed to stay upright and get himself out of there.
“Jim,” Leonard said, alarmed as he tried to catch Jim’s arm and stop him.
“No…no Bones,” Jim gasped out. “I’m sorry…I can’t.”
Though taken by surprise at Jim’s sudden change in direction, Leonard turned and hurried to keep up with him. Intent as he seemed to be to put as much distance between himself and the entrance to the hospital, Jim was walking fast, right across the parking lot. With his head down he obviously wasn’t paying very close attention to what was going on around him, and the absolute last thing they needed at this point was for this hospital stay to be compounded by a run-in with a car.
“Jim,” Leonard said again, trying to get his attention.
“Bones, please,” Jim choked out. He was making a beeline across the parking lot, heading not back to the car, but to a grassy area that overlooked a lake and had some picnic tables and benches. There was a tree-lined walkway that followed the perimeter of the lake, and though the area was mostly obscured by fog in the early morning chill, it looked pretty and peaceful.
Leonard recognized what was happening here. It had happened to him before, months ago now…and he’d locked himself in the bathroom for a while until he could get control of himself. Keeping pace with Jim, hearing his harsh, fast breathing that was out of place for their current level of exertion, Leonard hoped that he would be able to help Jim come back to himself the way he’d done for Leonard when he needed that.
They made it to one of the benches and Jim sat down heavily, bending himself practically in half over his legs as he just tried to breathe. He swallowed a couple of times, trying to get some moisture back in his mouth and throat, and coughed for his efforts. Cradling his head in his hands, he didn’t react when he felt Bones put his arm around him. He was grateful for the contact, it helped ground him and he definitely needed that, but he couldn’t raise his eyes from gazing at the ground. He was too embarrassed. Jim scuffed the wet grass with the toe of his shoe, feeling his heart slow to a more regular beat as he calmed down.
Bones sat quietly with him, letting him have the time he needed to pull himself together. Jim was incomparably grateful for that. He recognized the benefit of talking things out - he was an actual psychologist now, for Pete’s sake - but sometimes people just needed a couple of minutes to sort themselves out. He took a deep breath and rubbed his eyes. After another moment, feeling a little more like himself, he sat up and leaned against Bones’ side. The solid warmth of Bones’ arm draped over his shoulders and the way Bones held him did a lot to calm him down further. Jim inhaled deeply, the breath shuddery and cleansing as he really felt the cool morning air in his lungs for the first time since being overcome by the memories associated with the smell of the hospital.
“Sorry about that,” Jim said, after another few moments of quiet passed between them. “It was that hospital smell. It just…”
“Overwhelmed you,” Leonard supplied.
“Yeah,” Jim sighed, rubbing a hand over his face.
“You don’t have anything to apologize for, Jim. I understand.”
Jim looked up and met Leonard’s gaze for the first time, realization in his eyes. Bones did understand.
“I’d almost forgotten about that,” Jim said, both referring to the episode Bones had when Jim had accidentally scared him into a tailspin of awful memories about what had happened between him and Michael when he was a college student.
“Yeah? Good - you go on and forget it. Definitely wasn’t one of my finer moments.”
Jim smiled slightly, then rested his head on Leonard’s shoulder.
“I am going to go through with the surgery.”
“I know you are.”
“Yeah? How do you know?”
Leonard shrugged and small smile graced his face. “Because you love me,” he answered after a moment.
Jim sat up and turned his body to face Bones more fully, leaned in and kissed him softly.
“That’s exactly right. Because I love you. So…let’s go.”
“You sure you’re ready? We can sit here a while longer, if you want,” Leonard offered.
Jim nodded. “I’m sure. That was a one-time freak-out…I’m ready for it now.”
Leonard actually doubted that that was going to be the only time Jim “freaked out”, but they’d deal with whatever came as it came. For now, Jim felt ready, and they were going to take advantage of that as much as possible.
“Okay,” Leonard said, standing. He slung their bag over his shoulder and Jim stood as well, stretching briefly. They headed back across the grass, their sneakers getting wet in the morning dew, and Leonard took Jim’s hand, holding him tightly, comfortingly. And this time when the doors opened for them, even though Jim’s grip on him tightened, they entered the hospital, together.
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“Wait…wait! Stop!” Jim shouted, starting to get a little frantic. “Where’s Bones…I mean Leonard? I don’t want to go in there unless he’s here.” He sat up in the bed that was being rolled into the operating room, wincing as his movements pulled at the IV in his arm. He shrugged away from a hand that was pressing heavily on his shoulder, trying to urge him back down, as his heart pounding in his chest hard enough to make his head throb. Starting to shake because of the adrenaline flooding his system, he gripped the siderail of the bed, prepared to resist being moved to the operating table.
“Mr. Kirk - Jim. Hey, hi there…It’s Angela Martine. Remember me?”
The bed halted in the hall just outside the doors at a gesture from the woman who came out to see who was raising his voice and why, and Jim managed to focus on the familiar, friendly voice of the person who was going to be his surgeon.
“I’m not doing this if he’s not there,” Jim said quickly, an accusing tone coming into his voice as a result of his rising stress. “You already agreed.”
“I know I did,” Angela said, keeping her voice calm and friendly. “And he’s coming. He’s just changing into some of these fashionable scrubs. He’ll be here in just a second. We can wait for him, okay?”
Shaking, flushed with embarrassment but too frightened to care, Jim nodded. Just a moment later Jim caught sight of Leonard in the hall.
“See - here he is,” Angela said, glancing over her shoulder to see what Jim was looking at beyond her. She stepped out of the way, exchanging a quick nod with Leonard as she went to scrub in.
“Jesus Bones…you can’t do that!” Jim snapped, his fear making him angry. “Where the fuck did you go?”
“I’m sorry…I thought they were going to park you in the hall while I changed. I’m right here, okay?”
Wordlessly, Jim nodded. Leonard registered how pale he was, the thin sheen of sweat on his brow and could see that he was trembling, and Leonard pursed his lips, leaning close to him.
“I’m sorry,” he said again. “I’m going to stay with you from now on, for the whole time.”
Jim nodded again, and the orderlies pushed through the door, wheeling Jim into the operating room that was bustling with people in the familiar blue scrubs. The nurses in the room guided Jim to move from the bed to the operating table, positioning him properly on his back with his arms straight out from his body, palms up. A think blanket was draped over his body, not substantial enough to stop the chill of the room that was seeping into him.
Jim listened to the beeps that corresponded with his heartrate, registering dimly that they were too fast to be normal. A voice he didn’t recognize asked him something, but he couldn’t hear clearly over the sound of his own heart and the rushing in his ears. Jim swallowed a couple of times, his eyes darting around the room, and his hands curled into fists as he resisted the urge to protectively bring his arms to his body. He didn’t like being laid out like this. He felt too vulnerable.
“Jim,” Bones said, and smiled comfortingly when Jim’s eyes landed on him. “Look at me, Darlin’, okay?”
“Okay,” he murmured. Bones took one of his hands and put the other hand on Jim’s head, over the blue cap covering his hair. He could feel that Jim was still shaking and he could see goosebumps on his arms.
“You cold?” Bones asked. Jim hesitated then nodded, licking his lips nervously. Bones looked up at one of the nurses. “Can we get another blanket here?”
Leonard knew that some of the chill Jim was experiencing wasn’t physical, and that the blanket was nothing more than a token of comfort. Anyway, once they put him out it wouldn’t matter…they would reposition him, remove his gown and drape him for surgery…but for now, while he was awake and waiting for the damn anesthesiologist to get here, if another blanket made him feel better, then he’d get another blanket.
Looking into Jim’s eyes, he projected calm as much as he could, knowing that Jim needed to see him that way…calm, confident. They murmured to each other, Jim’s responses getting a little less clear as the initial sedative dripped into him. Jim had steadfastly refused to have the sedative introduced to his IV before actually being in the operating room - he didn’t want to be in that twilight phase while waiting in the pre-op room - but it had been working on him for the last few minutes, Leonard knew, as his heartrate came down and his eyelids got heavier and heavier. Despite that, though, Jim stubbornly held onto consciousness, forcing himself to focus on Leonard, not wanting to fall asleep.
A couple of minutes later, the anesthesiologist joined them and introduced himself. He positioned himself behind Jim’s head and brought the mask down, urging Jim’s chin up with a gentle hand.
Jim looked at Leonard out of the corner of his eye, and squeezed his hand tighter than he had been for the last few minutes. With the mask over Jim’s face, his expression was mostly obscured, but Leonard could see his eyes welling with nervous tears, and he realized that Jim was holding his breath, unable to not resist, even in this most passive way. Jim blinked and a tear tracked down the side of his temple and was absorbed by the blue cap near his ear.
“Breathe, Darlin’. It’ll be okay. I’m right here,” Leonard said quietly, placing his free hand lightly on Jim’s chest.
Scared, but believing Bones...with all his heart believing him...Jim closed his eyes
…and breathed.
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“Dr. McCoy.”
Leonard looked up from the magazine he wasn’t really reading.
“Dr. Martine,” he said standing. “Everything go okay?”
“Everything went perfectly,” she said, smiling. And something within Leonard, that he’d been carefully ignoring for the last two hours, unknotted and relaxed. “He’ll be brought into the recovery room shortly, so let’s get you there now, okay?”
“Yes, thank you,” Leonard said. He’d asked, but Angela had preferred that he not be in the O.R. during Jim’s actual surgery. Leonard hadn’t been surprised about that, but before he left, after Jim was out, he’d reminded her that he needed to be there before Jim woke up. Angela had promised that she’d see to that herself, and, satisfied, Leonard had gone to wait in the surgeon’s lounge.
Together they headed to the recovery area and Angela recapped what she’d done. The surgery had gone easily and well, the complete cyst removed, along with a thin layer of the liver cells that had been in direct contact with cyst, mostly for safety’s sake. While Angela had been working, she’d taken another small liver biopsy and sent it to be analyzed right away, just to confirm what the earlier biopsy had determined - that there were no detectable cancer cells beyond the cyst. Leonard had tremendously downplayed that possibility with Jim, not wanting to give him yet another thing to obsess over. To his great relief, the results had come back with just good news.
Now, Leonard was standing beside Jim’s bed, waiting for him to come out of it. He lay partially reclined, bare-chested, except for the bandages covering the three small incision points on his right side. He was still hooked up to the monitoring equipment, and had an oxygen mask on, as well as the IV and Foley. Leonard had talked to Jim in detail about what he had to look forward to when he woke, very much wanting to avoid a repeat of what had happened after his allergic reaction to the dye used in the CT scan. He hadn’t been happy to know that he’d wake up with a Foley catheter to collect urine again, but the fact that he knew about it beforehand seemed to make all the difference to him.
“Mmm…” Jim turned his head and grimaced slightly, a furrow appearing between his brows.
Leonard placed a gentle hand on top of Jim’s head and removed the oxygen mask with the other.
“Hey, Darlin’,” he said quietly. “You’re okay. The surgery is all done. Can you open your eyes for me?”
Jim turned his head again, towards Leonard’s voice, and squinted in the low light, trying to see.
“B - ones,” Jim rasped, his voice hoarse and faint.
“Shh…don’t try to talk. Your throat’s going to be sore for a little while. The surgery’s done, and you’re doing just fine.” Leonard grasped Jim’s hand that he’d raised off the bed, looking for contact.
“Hurts,” Jim whispered, swallowing painfully. Leonard wasn’t sure if he was referring to his throat, or to the pain of the incisions in his side. Laparoscopic surgery was a lot easier on patients, but it was surgery. The instruments had to go through layers of tissue and muscle, and though it was easier, it was still painful.
“Okay, hold on Jim,” Leonard said. He straightened and pressed the button that would automatically deliver a premeasured amount of morphine directly to him through his IV. “You should feel better in a few minutes. Just try to relax.” The system was designed to reset itself after a specific amount of time, allowing patients to determine how often they received a dose of pain medication. Hopefully, he’d be asleep before another dose could even be delivered.
Jim would only be on this medication for the rest of the day and night. Tomorrow, he would be switched to oral pain meds, though often, laparascopic surgery patients found that they didn’t really need anything after that first day. Leonard was hoping that Jim would be one of those, and that his discomfort would resolve quickly. He hated to see him hurting.
“I’ve got some ice chips for you,” Leonard said quietly, gently stroking Jim’s hair. “Open your mouth a bit.”
Still groggy, Jim kept his eyes closed and did as he was told, and Leonard carefully fed him a single chip at a time. He talked to him, keeping his voice low and gentle. After a couple of minutes, Jim seemed to be swallowing easier, and he definitely seemed more relaxed as the pain medication made him more comfortable.
“I feel sick to my stomach,” Jim said, his voice sounding a little clearer now.
Leonard pulled a chair up to the bed and sat, being sure to keep physical contact with Jim. He’d realized early on in their relationship that Jim was an extremely tactile person, and that he responded to a comforting, familiar touch better than almost anything else.
“That’ll pass, Jim…it’s just a minor side effect of the anesthetic. Just try to relax, and let your body rest. I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
It didn’t take long for Jim to fall into a light doze. Unfortunately, he was easily roused, and he startled awake every time one of the nurses came in and either checked something or spoke. Leonard felt like snapping at them to leave them the hell alone, but he held his tongue. They were doing their jobs, and though he got a number of strange looks because he was in an area non-medical personnel weren’t allowed, no one questioned his right to be there. Leonard was pretty sure they had no idea who he was, but the scrubs afforded him a certain amount of credibility.
After about an hour in recovery, a doctor came by and checked in with them. Happy with Jim’s progress, he signed off on moving him back to his room. Jim had been relieved to hear that. Although he was doing pretty well now that thing he’d been dreading was over, he wasn’t completely comfortable with being in the open recovery area. He didn’t like hearing the other patients, and he didn’t like all the movement around him.
Now, they were finally back in Jim’s room and Leonard sat beside Jim’s bed, his laptop open, the only other light coming from a small, dim table lamp on the other side of the room. He glanced over at Jim as he shifted slightly in his sleep. And it was just sleep - restful, real sleep - at this point. His eyes traveled over him, taking in his relaxed expression, his mussed hair. He was so perfect…and he was going to be fine.
He took a slow, deep breath and closed his eyes and let that thought settle over him: Jim was going to be fine. Leonard was finally able to let go of the worry he couldn’t allow himself to acknowledge. He couldn’t be worried…for Jim’s sake, he had to be calm and logical and keep a lid on his tendency to overreact when the people he loved were threatened in some way…and finally being able to let the carefully contained worry go made him feel so relieved that there was an almost physical feeling to it.
Rubbing a hand over his face, Leonard yawned. He closed his laptop and stood, setting the computer down on the chair and then stretching his body, trying to work some of the stiffness out of his joints. At nearly nine at night, it was still relatively early. But he was tired, and a cot had been brought in to Jim’s room for him. Looking over at Jim again, it did seem like he was down for the count. Deciding he may as well lay down too, Leonard turned to their bag and rummaged through it, pulling out his pajamas and toothbrush, he went into the bathroom to change and wash up, leaving the door open in case Jim should wake up.
Finished with an abbreviated version of his nightly routine, Leonard switched off the light and exited the bathroom.
“Hey,” Jim said quietly.
“Hey yourself,” Leonard replied, dropping his clothes on top of his computer on the chair and moving to Jim’s side. “How’re you doing? Did I wake you?”
“’M okay - and you didn’t wake me. Had a dream.”
“Yeah?” Leonard said. “A good one I hope.” To his surprise, a little bit of color came into Jim’s cheeks and he glanced away from him. That was not a reaction Leonard ever expected to see from him. All he’d meant was that he hoped it hadn’t been a nightmare.
Jim cleared his throat. “Can I have a drink of water?” he asked, obviously skirting the question.
“Of course.” Leonard poured some cool water into a cup from the pitcher on the side table and handed the cup to Jim. “Slow,” Leonard reminded him. Jim rolled his eyes, but did as he was told.
He watched as Leonard shook out the provided blanket over the cot.
“Going to sleep?”
“Only if you are,” he replied. “I was just getting the bed ready.”
“I’m still tired,” Jim said. “I think I can fall back asleep. But you don’t have to sleep down there.”
It took Leonard a moment to realize what Jim was obliquely suggesting.
“Jim that bed is not big enough for two people,” he said. “And I’m pretty sure your nurse isn’t going to take kindly to me jostling you around.”
“Bones, we sleep in approximately the same amount of space every night anyway. And you won’t jostle me. C’mon…I won’t sleep well if you’re not with me, and you said I need to get my rest. Please?”
Leonard rolled his eyes. “Damn it, Jim,” he said. “I’m the one who’s going to end up in trouble for this.”
Realizing that he’d won, Jim smiled and slowly moved over a bit to leave more room for Bones as he pulled the blanket and pillow off the cot. He joined Jim on the bed carefully, settling in the slightly reclined position fairly easily. Jim couldn’t sleep on his right side because of the incisions, so they arranged themselves so that Leonard could put his arm around Jim and he turned on his left side, into Leonard’s body slightly, pillowing his head on Leonard’s chest.
“Comfortable?” Leonard asked after Jim settled, warm and solid beside him.
“Mmm-hmm.”
Leonard closed his eyes and kissed the top of Jim’s head. He was glad Jim was comfortable, because sleeping like this was going to be a pain in the ass for him. As he lay there, he entertained the possibility of quietly moving to the cot once Jim had fallen asleep. They lay in silence for a couple of minutes, Leonard waiting to hear the slow, deep breathing that indicated Jim was deeply asleep enough to not be easily woken, but then Jim murmured something that Leonard didn’t quite catch.
“Didn’t hear that,” Leonard said.
Jim tilted his head back to look up at him. “I said, ‘this is what I dreamed’,” he repeated. “This is why I woke up…And it was a really good dream.”
Leonard smiled and gently tightened his hold on him, pulling him closer to his side. Suddenly the bed didn’t seem too small or the position too uncomfortable anymore.
It was perfect.
Author: Caera1996
Disclaimer: Not mine
Rating: PG-13
W/C: 5,731
Summary: Sequel to The Basics of Primary Ed. AU. It is possible to read this story without reading TBoPE first, but it will make much more sense if you do.
This part: Jim goes in for his surgery. He has a difficult start, but Bones helps get him through it.
Note: I have no medical background at all, and I’ve never been hospitalized for an in-patient procedure, so while I did a bit of online research, a lot of what follows is my best guess. Please read it with a grain of salt. Of course, all corrections are always welcome.
“Okay, Jo…now you remember that Aurelan is going to get you after school today and you’re going to stay with Janie until sometime Sunday, right?” Leonard asked, glancing in the rearview mirror to see her as he negotiated the busy parking lot at McKinley. Since it wasn’t going to be possible to hide the fact that Jim was going to be on bed rest while he recovered for most of next week, last night they’d talked to her briefly about why she was going to be staying with Aurelan for the next couple of days. She’d been full of questions about what was wrong with Jim, which they answered truthfully - and gently. Leonard was never keen on lying to her anyway. Soften the truth, absolutely - but not outright lie. Fortunately, she didn’t appear overly concerned about the situation, and was mostly excited to be able to spend the time with her friend.
“Right!” Joanna replied from the backseat. “Uncle Jim?”
Jim turned around in the passenger seat to smile at her. “What’s up sweetie?”
“You know my Benji?” she asked, referring to the favorite stuffed animal.
“Yes, of course. I believe I kissed him goodnight last night,” Jim replied.
Joanna giggled and nodded. “Well, I put him in the bag under your clothes. He always helps me if I get scared, and I told him to help you in case you get scared, too.”
“Aw, thank you so much Jo,” Jim said sincerely, touched by her thoughtfulness. Just like her father, Jim thought. “But are you sure you’re not going to need him?”
Joanna nodded. “I’m sure. I have someone else who’s gonna stay with me, and I’m just going to Janie’s house. I’m used to going there. You’re not used to going to the hospital.”
Leonard glanced at Jim and then in the rearview mirror to see his little girl. The empathy she displayed was really remarkable, and whether she was giving her books away to a daycare that needed materials, or secreting her favorite stuffed animal away in their overnight bag, she was proving to be a very caring little girl. He couldn’t have been more proud of her.
“Well, thank you very much,” Jim said again. “I know it’ll help to have Benji with me.”
“You’re welcome,” she said. A moment later, Leonard pulled up into a spot and parked. He and Jim got out of the car and Jim opened the backseat door, reaching in to help her undo the buckle on her booster seat. Joanna clambered out of the car, and threw her arms around Jim’s waist, squeezing him as tightly as she could. Jim wrapped an arm around her and gently smoothed down her hair.
“We’ll call you, okay Jo?” Jim said.
“Okay,” she said, letting go and looking up at him seriously. “Don’t forget. Don’t forget, Daddy,” she added, turning to look at her father when he joined them, her backpack in hand.
“I promise, Baby,” Leonard said. “I’m gonna walk you in to tell Miss Chapel that Aurelan is coming to get you today.”
“Okay,” Jo said, taking her father’s hand. “Bye Uncle Jim. See you in a few days!”
“Bye Jo! Have fun with Janie,” Jim said. He watched as father and daughter made their way to the entrance of the school, then slowly sat back down in the car. He was kind of relieved that Jo was gone. He wasn’t nearly as calm or confident as he’d portrayed, and frankly though it was kind of tiring to keep up the façade, he hadn’t wanted to let on how he was actually feeling with her around. Now that his reason for acting like everything was fine was gone, he was decidedly not fine. He felt sick to his stomach, and he thought it was very possible he might throw up, despite the fact that he hadn’t had anything to eat or drink since before nine the previous night.
Leaning his head back against the headrest, Jim closed his eyes and focused on his breathing, trying to calm himself. After a couple of minutes, Jim lifted his head and surveyed the covered walkway where parents, children and teachers still hurried about, looking for Bones. Jim didn’t see him yet. Glancing over at the driver’s side of the car, he saw that Bones had left the keys in the ignition. For a moment he entertained and distracted himself with the thought of sliding into the driver’s seat and driving away. Though ridiculous, it was an extremely appealing thought.
His musings were interrupted as Bones came back into view, heading towards the car, sans daughter. Missed my chance, Jim thought.
“Thinking about taking off?” Leonard asked as he sat back down in the car.
“No,” Jim said petulantly, a little annoyed at how easily and well Bones seemed to read him. Jim turned away from him to look out the passenger side window and Leonard rolled his eyes, reaching for Jim’s hand, and giving him a reassuring squeeze.
“I know you’re not feeling great,” he said, “but thank you for being so casual about everything with Jo.”
“Of course,” Jim replied, keeping his eyes on the scene familiar playing out in the parking lot. “No need for you to have to deal with two hysterical people this morning.”
Leonard shook his head and glanced over at Jim as he waited to be able to back out of the parking spot. “You’re fine…you’re not acting hysterical at all.”
“Not yet,” Jim mumbled. This was another worry that had plagued him that he was finally able to express clearly to Chris after learning to identify the different aspects of his phobia. He was worried, and embarrassed, about how other people saw him, and what they thought of the way he acted. He’d been too freaked out to care or dwell on this in the beginning, but having time to think about it over the last month had brought it more to the forefront.
Leonard had helped Jim with that particular feeling as much as he could, talking about his experiences with patients, and what he thought about the way they acted, as a doctor. Jim had been grateful for his point of view, and hearing how utterly uninterested he was in the way his patients behaved, beyond the clinical implication inherent in their behavior, did alleviate some of his embarrassment. But it was still something he was worried about. He hated the feeling of being out of control…of the situation…of his reactions - it all made him feel vulnerable and weak, which exacerbated the feeling of being out of control. It was a vicious cycle that fed on itself, and eventually spiraled into a panic attack.
Chris had made it possible for him to step back enough to pick the process of the phobia apart, look at it clinically, ultimately helping him recognize how each of the aspects of the phobia fed on each other. Jim knew that would help somewhat, but he also knew that just because he could be clinical about it when he wasn’t in the grip of a panic attack didn’t mean he’d be able to talk himself down before making a complete fool of himself in front of people.
“You have to remember,” Chris had said, more than once. “That everything you’re feeling - the fear, the panic, the embarrassment - it’s all amplified in your own head. You may feel like you’re close to losing it, and come off as just very nervous to someone else. So be honest when someone asks you how you’re feeling. If they know what’s going on in your head, they can help you with it.”
Well that was easier said than done, Jim had decided. He could tell Leonard what he was feeling, but he didn’t think he could be that honest with strangers.
Jim had been staring out of the window, watching the city pass as they drove from the school to San Francisco General.
“Bones,” Jim said quietly, swallowing around a lump in his throat as he hunched in on himself a little, feeling cold in a way that the jacket he was wearing couldn’t help.
“Hey,” Leonard said, hearing the distress in his voice. “It’s okay…you’re going to be just fine.” Bringing the car to a stop at a light, he looked over at Jim in concern, squeezing his hand again and then reaching up to clasp his shoulder. Jim leaned as close to Bones as he could, his elbow on the center console and his knee bounced agitatedly.
“You’re going to be with me the whole time,” Jim said, trying to remind and reassure himself.
“Yes,” Leonard said seriously, even though Jim hadn’t really asked. “Dr. Martine has signed off on that, and let everyone know that where you go, I go. I’ll be with you the whole time.”
“Okay,” Jim said. He stayed quiet for a few more moments, staring out the window without really seeing anything. “Hey Bones…I probably won’t think of it later, so thank you…for putting up with me and helping me to deal with all of this.”
“Jim, you don’t have to thank me for anything. I love you - I will do anything I can for you.”
Jim smiled slightly, feeling a little better to hear that. He knew it, of course. But hearing it…just made things seem a little less intimidating.
“So…when we get there…” Jim said, wanting to go over it again.
“When we get there we’ll check you in at the main desk. Probably wait for a while, because it wouldn’t be a hospital if they didn’t make us wait for a while. While we’re waiting for your room, we’ll probably go for an MRI, just to do one more check…”
Leonard continued talking through what their day was going to be like, as he’d done a couple of times before. If it helped Jim to hear it, he’d repeat it another ten times. Jim was scheduled for surgery at 3:30 today, and they’d told him to be there by 8:30 in the morning to get all the pre-op stuff done, and get him settled. Dr. Angela Martine was one of those surgeons who believed in a holistic approach to patient care, and she’d been extremely understanding and helpful when it came to making the arrangements that would help Jim get through this. She’d even met with them, along with Chris Pike, in her office one afternoon, explaining to Jim what to expect before and after the surgery that she was going to do laparoscopically.
She seemed to genuinely be warm and friendly - not some of the more common traits in surgeons - and she had an excellent record and came highly recommended. And, just as importantly, Jim seemed to like her. That was important because Chris had stressed more than once the need for Jim to communicate what he was feeling, and communicating with Leonard was all well and good, but he needed to communicate with his doctor as well.
A short while later, they were making their way into the hospital, Leonard leading them to where inpatient surgical cases checked in, got their requisite wrist bands, and inevitably cooled their heels as they waited for their room or their pre-op routine.
Jim balked at the doors when they automatically opened for someone else, and a gush of air that had that antiseptic, plastic, artificial smell that seemed to be common to all areas of a hospital flowed over them, slightly ruffling their hair. The smell of it took Jim right back to the last time he was here, and his throat closed up and he actually couldn’t breathe for a second.
He was going to die. If he went in there, something was going to happen and he was going to die.
Feeling dizzy and not really seeing where he was going, Jim turned and pushed past Leonard. He was shaky and weak, and he couldn’t draw a proper breath, but he also couldn’t ignore the desperate feeling of needing to get away. Somehow, despite the fact that his legs felt like jelly, he managed to stay upright and get himself out of there.
“Jim,” Leonard said, alarmed as he tried to catch Jim’s arm and stop him.
“No…no Bones,” Jim gasped out. “I’m sorry…I can’t.”
Though taken by surprise at Jim’s sudden change in direction, Leonard turned and hurried to keep up with him. Intent as he seemed to be to put as much distance between himself and the entrance to the hospital, Jim was walking fast, right across the parking lot. With his head down he obviously wasn’t paying very close attention to what was going on around him, and the absolute last thing they needed at this point was for this hospital stay to be compounded by a run-in with a car.
“Jim,” Leonard said again, trying to get his attention.
“Bones, please,” Jim choked out. He was making a beeline across the parking lot, heading not back to the car, but to a grassy area that overlooked a lake and had some picnic tables and benches. There was a tree-lined walkway that followed the perimeter of the lake, and though the area was mostly obscured by fog in the early morning chill, it looked pretty and peaceful.
Leonard recognized what was happening here. It had happened to him before, months ago now…and he’d locked himself in the bathroom for a while until he could get control of himself. Keeping pace with Jim, hearing his harsh, fast breathing that was out of place for their current level of exertion, Leonard hoped that he would be able to help Jim come back to himself the way he’d done for Leonard when he needed that.
They made it to one of the benches and Jim sat down heavily, bending himself practically in half over his legs as he just tried to breathe. He swallowed a couple of times, trying to get some moisture back in his mouth and throat, and coughed for his efforts. Cradling his head in his hands, he didn’t react when he felt Bones put his arm around him. He was grateful for the contact, it helped ground him and he definitely needed that, but he couldn’t raise his eyes from gazing at the ground. He was too embarrassed. Jim scuffed the wet grass with the toe of his shoe, feeling his heart slow to a more regular beat as he calmed down.
Bones sat quietly with him, letting him have the time he needed to pull himself together. Jim was incomparably grateful for that. He recognized the benefit of talking things out - he was an actual psychologist now, for Pete’s sake - but sometimes people just needed a couple of minutes to sort themselves out. He took a deep breath and rubbed his eyes. After another moment, feeling a little more like himself, he sat up and leaned against Bones’ side. The solid warmth of Bones’ arm draped over his shoulders and the way Bones held him did a lot to calm him down further. Jim inhaled deeply, the breath shuddery and cleansing as he really felt the cool morning air in his lungs for the first time since being overcome by the memories associated with the smell of the hospital.
“Sorry about that,” Jim said, after another few moments of quiet passed between them. “It was that hospital smell. It just…”
“Overwhelmed you,” Leonard supplied.
“Yeah,” Jim sighed, rubbing a hand over his face.
“You don’t have anything to apologize for, Jim. I understand.”
Jim looked up and met Leonard’s gaze for the first time, realization in his eyes. Bones did understand.
“I’d almost forgotten about that,” Jim said, both referring to the episode Bones had when Jim had accidentally scared him into a tailspin of awful memories about what had happened between him and Michael when he was a college student.
“Yeah? Good - you go on and forget it. Definitely wasn’t one of my finer moments.”
Jim smiled slightly, then rested his head on Leonard’s shoulder.
“I am going to go through with the surgery.”
“I know you are.”
“Yeah? How do you know?”
Leonard shrugged and small smile graced his face. “Because you love me,” he answered after a moment.
Jim sat up and turned his body to face Bones more fully, leaned in and kissed him softly.
“That’s exactly right. Because I love you. So…let’s go.”
“You sure you’re ready? We can sit here a while longer, if you want,” Leonard offered.
Jim nodded. “I’m sure. That was a one-time freak-out…I’m ready for it now.”
Leonard actually doubted that that was going to be the only time Jim “freaked out”, but they’d deal with whatever came as it came. For now, Jim felt ready, and they were going to take advantage of that as much as possible.
“Okay,” Leonard said, standing. He slung their bag over his shoulder and Jim stood as well, stretching briefly. They headed back across the grass, their sneakers getting wet in the morning dew, and Leonard took Jim’s hand, holding him tightly, comfortingly. And this time when the doors opened for them, even though Jim’s grip on him tightened, they entered the hospital, together.
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“Wait…wait! Stop!” Jim shouted, starting to get a little frantic. “Where’s Bones…I mean Leonard? I don’t want to go in there unless he’s here.” He sat up in the bed that was being rolled into the operating room, wincing as his movements pulled at the IV in his arm. He shrugged away from a hand that was pressing heavily on his shoulder, trying to urge him back down, as his heart pounding in his chest hard enough to make his head throb. Starting to shake because of the adrenaline flooding his system, he gripped the siderail of the bed, prepared to resist being moved to the operating table.
“Mr. Kirk - Jim. Hey, hi there…It’s Angela Martine. Remember me?”
The bed halted in the hall just outside the doors at a gesture from the woman who came out to see who was raising his voice and why, and Jim managed to focus on the familiar, friendly voice of the person who was going to be his surgeon.
“I’m not doing this if he’s not there,” Jim said quickly, an accusing tone coming into his voice as a result of his rising stress. “You already agreed.”
“I know I did,” Angela said, keeping her voice calm and friendly. “And he’s coming. He’s just changing into some of these fashionable scrubs. He’ll be here in just a second. We can wait for him, okay?”
Shaking, flushed with embarrassment but too frightened to care, Jim nodded. Just a moment later Jim caught sight of Leonard in the hall.
“See - here he is,” Angela said, glancing over her shoulder to see what Jim was looking at beyond her. She stepped out of the way, exchanging a quick nod with Leonard as she went to scrub in.
“Jesus Bones…you can’t do that!” Jim snapped, his fear making him angry. “Where the fuck did you go?”
“I’m sorry…I thought they were going to park you in the hall while I changed. I’m right here, okay?”
Wordlessly, Jim nodded. Leonard registered how pale he was, the thin sheen of sweat on his brow and could see that he was trembling, and Leonard pursed his lips, leaning close to him.
“I’m sorry,” he said again. “I’m going to stay with you from now on, for the whole time.”
Jim nodded again, and the orderlies pushed through the door, wheeling Jim into the operating room that was bustling with people in the familiar blue scrubs. The nurses in the room guided Jim to move from the bed to the operating table, positioning him properly on his back with his arms straight out from his body, palms up. A think blanket was draped over his body, not substantial enough to stop the chill of the room that was seeping into him.
Jim listened to the beeps that corresponded with his heartrate, registering dimly that they were too fast to be normal. A voice he didn’t recognize asked him something, but he couldn’t hear clearly over the sound of his own heart and the rushing in his ears. Jim swallowed a couple of times, his eyes darting around the room, and his hands curled into fists as he resisted the urge to protectively bring his arms to his body. He didn’t like being laid out like this. He felt too vulnerable.
“Jim,” Bones said, and smiled comfortingly when Jim’s eyes landed on him. “Look at me, Darlin’, okay?”
“Okay,” he murmured. Bones took one of his hands and put the other hand on Jim’s head, over the blue cap covering his hair. He could feel that Jim was still shaking and he could see goosebumps on his arms.
“You cold?” Bones asked. Jim hesitated then nodded, licking his lips nervously. Bones looked up at one of the nurses. “Can we get another blanket here?”
Leonard knew that some of the chill Jim was experiencing wasn’t physical, and that the blanket was nothing more than a token of comfort. Anyway, once they put him out it wouldn’t matter…they would reposition him, remove his gown and drape him for surgery…but for now, while he was awake and waiting for the damn anesthesiologist to get here, if another blanket made him feel better, then he’d get another blanket.
Looking into Jim’s eyes, he projected calm as much as he could, knowing that Jim needed to see him that way…calm, confident. They murmured to each other, Jim’s responses getting a little less clear as the initial sedative dripped into him. Jim had steadfastly refused to have the sedative introduced to his IV before actually being in the operating room - he didn’t want to be in that twilight phase while waiting in the pre-op room - but it had been working on him for the last few minutes, Leonard knew, as his heartrate came down and his eyelids got heavier and heavier. Despite that, though, Jim stubbornly held onto consciousness, forcing himself to focus on Leonard, not wanting to fall asleep.
A couple of minutes later, the anesthesiologist joined them and introduced himself. He positioned himself behind Jim’s head and brought the mask down, urging Jim’s chin up with a gentle hand.
Jim looked at Leonard out of the corner of his eye, and squeezed his hand tighter than he had been for the last few minutes. With the mask over Jim’s face, his expression was mostly obscured, but Leonard could see his eyes welling with nervous tears, and he realized that Jim was holding his breath, unable to not resist, even in this most passive way. Jim blinked and a tear tracked down the side of his temple and was absorbed by the blue cap near his ear.
“Breathe, Darlin’. It’ll be okay. I’m right here,” Leonard said quietly, placing his free hand lightly on Jim’s chest.
Scared, but believing Bones...with all his heart believing him...Jim closed his eyes
…and breathed.
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“Dr. McCoy.”
Leonard looked up from the magazine he wasn’t really reading.
“Dr. Martine,” he said standing. “Everything go okay?”
“Everything went perfectly,” she said, smiling. And something within Leonard, that he’d been carefully ignoring for the last two hours, unknotted and relaxed. “He’ll be brought into the recovery room shortly, so let’s get you there now, okay?”
“Yes, thank you,” Leonard said. He’d asked, but Angela had preferred that he not be in the O.R. during Jim’s actual surgery. Leonard hadn’t been surprised about that, but before he left, after Jim was out, he’d reminded her that he needed to be there before Jim woke up. Angela had promised that she’d see to that herself, and, satisfied, Leonard had gone to wait in the surgeon’s lounge.
Together they headed to the recovery area and Angela recapped what she’d done. The surgery had gone easily and well, the complete cyst removed, along with a thin layer of the liver cells that had been in direct contact with cyst, mostly for safety’s sake. While Angela had been working, she’d taken another small liver biopsy and sent it to be analyzed right away, just to confirm what the earlier biopsy had determined - that there were no detectable cancer cells beyond the cyst. Leonard had tremendously downplayed that possibility with Jim, not wanting to give him yet another thing to obsess over. To his great relief, the results had come back with just good news.
Now, Leonard was standing beside Jim’s bed, waiting for him to come out of it. He lay partially reclined, bare-chested, except for the bandages covering the three small incision points on his right side. He was still hooked up to the monitoring equipment, and had an oxygen mask on, as well as the IV and Foley. Leonard had talked to Jim in detail about what he had to look forward to when he woke, very much wanting to avoid a repeat of what had happened after his allergic reaction to the dye used in the CT scan. He hadn’t been happy to know that he’d wake up with a Foley catheter to collect urine again, but the fact that he knew about it beforehand seemed to make all the difference to him.
“Mmm…” Jim turned his head and grimaced slightly, a furrow appearing between his brows.
Leonard placed a gentle hand on top of Jim’s head and removed the oxygen mask with the other.
“Hey, Darlin’,” he said quietly. “You’re okay. The surgery is all done. Can you open your eyes for me?”
Jim turned his head again, towards Leonard’s voice, and squinted in the low light, trying to see.
“B - ones,” Jim rasped, his voice hoarse and faint.
“Shh…don’t try to talk. Your throat’s going to be sore for a little while. The surgery’s done, and you’re doing just fine.” Leonard grasped Jim’s hand that he’d raised off the bed, looking for contact.
“Hurts,” Jim whispered, swallowing painfully. Leonard wasn’t sure if he was referring to his throat, or to the pain of the incisions in his side. Laparoscopic surgery was a lot easier on patients, but it was surgery. The instruments had to go through layers of tissue and muscle, and though it was easier, it was still painful.
“Okay, hold on Jim,” Leonard said. He straightened and pressed the button that would automatically deliver a premeasured amount of morphine directly to him through his IV. “You should feel better in a few minutes. Just try to relax.” The system was designed to reset itself after a specific amount of time, allowing patients to determine how often they received a dose of pain medication. Hopefully, he’d be asleep before another dose could even be delivered.
Jim would only be on this medication for the rest of the day and night. Tomorrow, he would be switched to oral pain meds, though often, laparascopic surgery patients found that they didn’t really need anything after that first day. Leonard was hoping that Jim would be one of those, and that his discomfort would resolve quickly. He hated to see him hurting.
“I’ve got some ice chips for you,” Leonard said quietly, gently stroking Jim’s hair. “Open your mouth a bit.”
Still groggy, Jim kept his eyes closed and did as he was told, and Leonard carefully fed him a single chip at a time. He talked to him, keeping his voice low and gentle. After a couple of minutes, Jim seemed to be swallowing easier, and he definitely seemed more relaxed as the pain medication made him more comfortable.
“I feel sick to my stomach,” Jim said, his voice sounding a little clearer now.
Leonard pulled a chair up to the bed and sat, being sure to keep physical contact with Jim. He’d realized early on in their relationship that Jim was an extremely tactile person, and that he responded to a comforting, familiar touch better than almost anything else.
“That’ll pass, Jim…it’s just a minor side effect of the anesthetic. Just try to relax, and let your body rest. I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
It didn’t take long for Jim to fall into a light doze. Unfortunately, he was easily roused, and he startled awake every time one of the nurses came in and either checked something or spoke. Leonard felt like snapping at them to leave them the hell alone, but he held his tongue. They were doing their jobs, and though he got a number of strange looks because he was in an area non-medical personnel weren’t allowed, no one questioned his right to be there. Leonard was pretty sure they had no idea who he was, but the scrubs afforded him a certain amount of credibility.
After about an hour in recovery, a doctor came by and checked in with them. Happy with Jim’s progress, he signed off on moving him back to his room. Jim had been relieved to hear that. Although he was doing pretty well now that thing he’d been dreading was over, he wasn’t completely comfortable with being in the open recovery area. He didn’t like hearing the other patients, and he didn’t like all the movement around him.
Now, they were finally back in Jim’s room and Leonard sat beside Jim’s bed, his laptop open, the only other light coming from a small, dim table lamp on the other side of the room. He glanced over at Jim as he shifted slightly in his sleep. And it was just sleep - restful, real sleep - at this point. His eyes traveled over him, taking in his relaxed expression, his mussed hair. He was so perfect…and he was going to be fine.
He took a slow, deep breath and closed his eyes and let that thought settle over him: Jim was going to be fine. Leonard was finally able to let go of the worry he couldn’t allow himself to acknowledge. He couldn’t be worried…for Jim’s sake, he had to be calm and logical and keep a lid on his tendency to overreact when the people he loved were threatened in some way…and finally being able to let the carefully contained worry go made him feel so relieved that there was an almost physical feeling to it.
Rubbing a hand over his face, Leonard yawned. He closed his laptop and stood, setting the computer down on the chair and then stretching his body, trying to work some of the stiffness out of his joints. At nearly nine at night, it was still relatively early. But he was tired, and a cot had been brought in to Jim’s room for him. Looking over at Jim again, it did seem like he was down for the count. Deciding he may as well lay down too, Leonard turned to their bag and rummaged through it, pulling out his pajamas and toothbrush, he went into the bathroom to change and wash up, leaving the door open in case Jim should wake up.
Finished with an abbreviated version of his nightly routine, Leonard switched off the light and exited the bathroom.
“Hey,” Jim said quietly.
“Hey yourself,” Leonard replied, dropping his clothes on top of his computer on the chair and moving to Jim’s side. “How’re you doing? Did I wake you?”
“’M okay - and you didn’t wake me. Had a dream.”
“Yeah?” Leonard said. “A good one I hope.” To his surprise, a little bit of color came into Jim’s cheeks and he glanced away from him. That was not a reaction Leonard ever expected to see from him. All he’d meant was that he hoped it hadn’t been a nightmare.
Jim cleared his throat. “Can I have a drink of water?” he asked, obviously skirting the question.
“Of course.” Leonard poured some cool water into a cup from the pitcher on the side table and handed the cup to Jim. “Slow,” Leonard reminded him. Jim rolled his eyes, but did as he was told.
He watched as Leonard shook out the provided blanket over the cot.
“Going to sleep?”
“Only if you are,” he replied. “I was just getting the bed ready.”
“I’m still tired,” Jim said. “I think I can fall back asleep. But you don’t have to sleep down there.”
It took Leonard a moment to realize what Jim was obliquely suggesting.
“Jim that bed is not big enough for two people,” he said. “And I’m pretty sure your nurse isn’t going to take kindly to me jostling you around.”
“Bones, we sleep in approximately the same amount of space every night anyway. And you won’t jostle me. C’mon…I won’t sleep well if you’re not with me, and you said I need to get my rest. Please?”
Leonard rolled his eyes. “Damn it, Jim,” he said. “I’m the one who’s going to end up in trouble for this.”
Realizing that he’d won, Jim smiled and slowly moved over a bit to leave more room for Bones as he pulled the blanket and pillow off the cot. He joined Jim on the bed carefully, settling in the slightly reclined position fairly easily. Jim couldn’t sleep on his right side because of the incisions, so they arranged themselves so that Leonard could put his arm around Jim and he turned on his left side, into Leonard’s body slightly, pillowing his head on Leonard’s chest.
“Comfortable?” Leonard asked after Jim settled, warm and solid beside him.
“Mmm-hmm.”
Leonard closed his eyes and kissed the top of Jim’s head. He was glad Jim was comfortable, because sleeping like this was going to be a pain in the ass for him. As he lay there, he entertained the possibility of quietly moving to the cot once Jim had fallen asleep. They lay in silence for a couple of minutes, Leonard waiting to hear the slow, deep breathing that indicated Jim was deeply asleep enough to not be easily woken, but then Jim murmured something that Leonard didn’t quite catch.
“Didn’t hear that,” Leonard said.
Jim tilted his head back to look up at him. “I said, ‘this is what I dreamed’,” he repeated. “This is why I woke up…And it was a really good dream.”
Leonard smiled and gently tightened his hold on him, pulling him closer to his side. Suddenly the bed didn’t seem too small or the position too uncomfortable anymore.
It was perfect.