Ladies and gentlemen: i adore Emo Philips
Hello! Wow… The magic of this is just starting to dawn on me. I mean, if someone had come up to me 10 years ago and told me I'd be on national television in front of all these folks... Well... I'd have just stared at him because I was on medication at that time.
I remember when I was five years old, I was playing one day and I noticed that the cellar door was open just a crack. And my parents had always warned me “Emo, don't go near the cellar door…” But I just HAD to see what was on the other side.
I went up to it and I pushed it open and I went through. And I saw all kinds of wonderful things that I had never seen before like trees and grass and flower and clouds and the sun. Oh it was incredible! Ahhh... memories...
Once when I was walking home from school I was passing a construction site and one of the workmen hammering on the roof called me a “paranoid little weirdo”. In Morse code.
After they left that day, I saw that they had poured wet cement for the basement floors and I was curious so I let myself in through one of the windows but I slipped and fell, knocking myself unconscious on a pipe.
When I came to I found that the pipe had held my head up while the cement had hardened around my body. I thought: “this isn't good...”
So I’m stuck there for hours and hours and eventually my friend Jimmy Peterson comes to the window.
He says “Emo are you stuck in that cement?”
I said “No, last night I didn't finish my broccoli and my mom chopped my head off and threw it here.” And he screamed and ran away.
So the next day I’m STILL lying there thinking about how there's a time and a place for sarcasm...
I liked swimming. In high school I tried out for the swim team and I shaved off all my body hair. It gave me an extra edge of speed against all the bullies screaming "Kill the fairy!"
I was raised Baptist. When I was a little boy my dad would say “Emo, do you believe in the Lord?”
And I’d say “Yes!”
And he'd say “So stand up and shout ‘Hallelujah!’” And I would and I’d fall out of the rollercoaster again… Still, it made my dad happy.
I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. And then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way. So I just stole one and prayed for Him to forgive me.
I remember when I wanted to go to college. I said, “Mom, can I have a hundred thousand for college?”
She said “Ask your father.”
So I ran to my dad and said “Dad, can I have a hundred thousand for college?”
He said, “Ask your mother.”
So I ran back to my mom and she said “Ask your father.”
And as I was running back to my dad I tripped and it my head on the coffee table.
When I came to I heard my mom saying to my dad “Fifteen to love! Your serve!”
I left for college that September. My parents threw quite going-away party for me. According to the letter they sent me.
My math tutor was a passionate guy. "America is becoming stupider! It can’t go on!" he said. "We should put a tax on the mathematically ignorant!"
I said, "Haven’t you heard of the Lottery?"
Later I went back to the area I grew up in, and saw someone very familiar. “My gosh!” I thought, “That’s Jimmy Peterson! I haven't seen him since third grade!” And I rushed up to him and I slapped him on the back and said “How's it going you moron? You drunken reprobate!”
And he fell to the ground and started screaming “Mommy Mommy!” And I realised... wait a second... if I’m all grown up, he would have grown up too...
We’ve all done things we're ashamed of. Once I posed naked for a magazine. It was a very demeaning experience - and I’ve never been back to THAT news-stand since.
Other thing can be creepy. Once I was all alone in the house. Y’know that houses make weird noises at night that you don't notice in the day time? Stuff like creaks and clicks and bangs and whispers of "Emo, I’m gonna kill you", stuff like that. It sends shivers down my spine, but you soon get used to it when you hear it all the time.
I’m quite a handy one with the ladies. I’m a great lover - I expect.
I met a woman. I thought; “time to turn on the charm...”
I said “Hi there you sexy little whore of Babylon"
She said "I’m just off to play tennis, wanna double up?"
I said “Sure!” So she kicked me in the groin.
I called up this girl. I said “Is Shelley there?”
Her father says "who is it?"
I said “Emo.”
He said “She's not home.”
I said, “Huh, you think I don't have a telescope or something?”
Then one day I’m walking along the beach and I see this girl out in the water, waving, and there’s no one else around so I swim out there, and I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be, y’know, thanks to 'evolution'...
And I get up to her and she says "Help! I have cramp!”
And I say "well, thanks for leading me on..."
She says "Save me!"
I say "I will... if you'll go out with me."
And she thinks for a minute. And then another minute. And eventually she says "Okay..." Hah! Yep... I'm quite handy with the ladies…
It was my girlfriend’s birthday recently. I asked her what she wanted. She said “I dunno, surprise me! Just get me something crazy and expensive that I won't even need.” So I signed her up for radiotherapy.
I noticed a chill in our relationship after that...
I’m at the movies and this guy asks me, “Is this seat saved?”
I said, “Well some claim that even animals have no souls - so what chance does an inanimate object have?”
I like fishing. Once I caught a thirty pound sea bass. I was so excited. I was dying to mount it, but y'know, people were around.
I was on my uncle's boat. And I said to my sister "Oh you've gotta go in the water, it's wonderful"
She said "I told you, I’m having my period." Huh, she takes all the fun out of shark fishing…
I love family summer holidays. My family is great. My cousins are kinda unusual though. They’re Siamese twins, joined at the hip. But they still have fun y'know. They like to play softball; we pick them for different teams and watch them spin in circles. Oh how we laugh!
And some one-liners:
How many people here have telekinetic power? Raise my hand
Want me to do my tribute to Elvis? "Thanks Elvis"
I love animals. It’s been said that I have a love for animals that's almost illegal.
My brother says hello! So hooray for speech therapy!
I’m just no good in the morning unless I’ve had that first piping hot cup of black coffee y’know? I’ve tried other enemas, but nothing's quite the same...
I love to go to the playground. Watch the kiddies running around and yelling. Cos y'know, THEY don't know I'm using blanks
Always remember, as you go through your lives, the last words of my uncle who said "a truck!"
I remember when I was five years old, I was playing one day and I noticed that the cellar door was open just a crack. And my parents had always warned me “Emo, don't go near the cellar door…” But I just HAD to see what was on the other side.
I went up to it and I pushed it open and I went through. And I saw all kinds of wonderful things that I had never seen before like trees and grass and flower and clouds and the sun. Oh it was incredible! Ahhh... memories...
Once when I was walking home from school I was passing a construction site and one of the workmen hammering on the roof called me a “paranoid little weirdo”. In Morse code.
After they left that day, I saw that they had poured wet cement for the basement floors and I was curious so I let myself in through one of the windows but I slipped and fell, knocking myself unconscious on a pipe.
When I came to I found that the pipe had held my head up while the cement had hardened around my body. I thought: “this isn't good...”
So I’m stuck there for hours and hours and eventually my friend Jimmy Peterson comes to the window.
He says “Emo are you stuck in that cement?”
I said “No, last night I didn't finish my broccoli and my mom chopped my head off and threw it here.” And he screamed and ran away.
So the next day I’m STILL lying there thinking about how there's a time and a place for sarcasm...
I liked swimming. In high school I tried out for the swim team and I shaved off all my body hair. It gave me an extra edge of speed against all the bullies screaming "Kill the fairy!"
I was raised Baptist. When I was a little boy my dad would say “Emo, do you believe in the Lord?”
And I’d say “Yes!”
And he'd say “So stand up and shout ‘Hallelujah!’” And I would and I’d fall out of the rollercoaster again… Still, it made my dad happy.
I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. And then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way. So I just stole one and prayed for Him to forgive me.
I remember when I wanted to go to college. I said, “Mom, can I have a hundred thousand for college?”
She said “Ask your father.”
So I ran to my dad and said “Dad, can I have a hundred thousand for college?”
He said, “Ask your mother.”
So I ran back to my mom and she said “Ask your father.”
And as I was running back to my dad I tripped and it my head on the coffee table.
When I came to I heard my mom saying to my dad “Fifteen to love! Your serve!”
I left for college that September. My parents threw quite going-away party for me. According to the letter they sent me.
My math tutor was a passionate guy. "America is becoming stupider! It can’t go on!" he said. "We should put a tax on the mathematically ignorant!"
I said, "Haven’t you heard of the Lottery?"
Later I went back to the area I grew up in, and saw someone very familiar. “My gosh!” I thought, “That’s Jimmy Peterson! I haven't seen him since third grade!” And I rushed up to him and I slapped him on the back and said “How's it going you moron? You drunken reprobate!”
And he fell to the ground and started screaming “Mommy Mommy!” And I realised... wait a second... if I’m all grown up, he would have grown up too...
We’ve all done things we're ashamed of. Once I posed naked for a magazine. It was a very demeaning experience - and I’ve never been back to THAT news-stand since.
Other thing can be creepy. Once I was all alone in the house. Y’know that houses make weird noises at night that you don't notice in the day time? Stuff like creaks and clicks and bangs and whispers of "Emo, I’m gonna kill you", stuff like that. It sends shivers down my spine, but you soon get used to it when you hear it all the time.
I’m quite a handy one with the ladies. I’m a great lover - I expect.
I met a woman. I thought; “time to turn on the charm...”
I said “Hi there you sexy little whore of Babylon"
She said "I’m just off to play tennis, wanna double up?"
I said “Sure!” So she kicked me in the groin.
I called up this girl. I said “Is Shelley there?”
Her father says "who is it?"
I said “Emo.”
He said “She's not home.”
I said, “Huh, you think I don't have a telescope or something?”
Then one day I’m walking along the beach and I see this girl out in the water, waving, and there’s no one else around so I swim out there, and I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be, y’know, thanks to 'evolution'...
And I get up to her and she says "Help! I have cramp!”
And I say "well, thanks for leading me on..."
She says "Save me!"
I say "I will... if you'll go out with me."
And she thinks for a minute. And then another minute. And eventually she says "Okay..." Hah! Yep... I'm quite handy with the ladies…
It was my girlfriend’s birthday recently. I asked her what she wanted. She said “I dunno, surprise me! Just get me something crazy and expensive that I won't even need.” So I signed her up for radiotherapy.
I noticed a chill in our relationship after that...
I’m at the movies and this guy asks me, “Is this seat saved?”
I said, “Well some claim that even animals have no souls - so what chance does an inanimate object have?”
I like fishing. Once I caught a thirty pound sea bass. I was so excited. I was dying to mount it, but y'know, people were around.
I was on my uncle's boat. And I said to my sister "Oh you've gotta go in the water, it's wonderful"
She said "I told you, I’m having my period." Huh, she takes all the fun out of shark fishing…
I love family summer holidays. My family is great. My cousins are kinda unusual though. They’re Siamese twins, joined at the hip. But they still have fun y'know. They like to play softball; we pick them for different teams and watch them spin in circles. Oh how we laugh!
And some one-liners:
How many people here have telekinetic power? Raise my hand
Want me to do my tribute to Elvis? "Thanks Elvis"
I love animals. It’s been said that I have a love for animals that's almost illegal.
My brother says hello! So hooray for speech therapy!
I’m just no good in the morning unless I’ve had that first piping hot cup of black coffee y’know? I’ve tried other enemas, but nothing's quite the same...
I love to go to the playground. Watch the kiddies running around and yelling. Cos y'know, THEY don't know I'm using blanks
Always remember, as you go through your lives, the last words of my uncle who said "a truck!"