confusion
Ok, I am kinda hitting that point we all do from time to time, I just seem to find myself there way too often and once there I seem to like to make sure that the way out is REALLY hard to find or even pull off. I love it here in Atlanta but I am just not making it financially down here. I cant find another job to save my life and since I left Joe I have been so sad and lonely. I dont know what to do about the Joe situation either. I mean if you trully love someone with all your heart, should you let any reason keep you apart? I am so confused. It is like everytime we break up, it somehow ends up being my fault. I dont know if I just dont comunicate very well in the relationship or what. What is wrong with me!?! I think I must be crazy, I cant seem to control my own life. I am always letting things get way too out of hand and then when I try to backpeddle, it takes everything I have and some help from the people around me just to get me back to normal. Part of me wants to come back to the boro, part of me has to much pride to admit defeat and thinks I should stay here. I feel like I am kind of committed to living here in order to help David out with the whole rent thing, but at the same time he has said himself that had I not moved in, he wouldnt have rented it to anyone else. David is a good friend but we are not alike at all. He could never undertand me fully, few could. I am a mental case, I am SO fucked in the head, and until now I have never said that where anyone would ever have access to it. Yeah, I try to make it appear I have my shit together but come on. I know better. Its just stupid fucking pride and fear of not being accepted that keeps me from showing the weekness. I know its human to have faults. I just hate to prove my humanity in such a way. I hope no one looks down at me for all of this, but if you do, then I am sorry for you. We are all human. Any time someone around me is in need of someone to talk to, I am there, but I never seem to be smart enough to look for a shoulder for myself to cry on when I need it too. I dont know what I am going to do, I probly wont be able to afford to move back to TN any time soon. If I could afford a uhaul, I am not sure where I would be able to go with it anyway. I feel like I have worn out my welcome as it is and the list of friends has gotten smaller and smaller over the years. I will figure something out I guess, I always do eventually. I just feel so all alone down here. I have no one. I ran off the only one I loved...