I hear this life is overrated, but I hope that it gets better as we go.
These past few weeks have been rather exhausting. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what anyone wants from me. I've got different people trying to pull different things out of me, and I have no idea what I should be doing. It's obviously not secret anymore that I had spent some ... time with Draco (if I'm to put it in appropriate terms) as he and Star have let everyone know. It wasn't that I wanted it to be secret, more that I wanted to do it on my own terms, and not have this come across as me trying to forget, or get revenge, or just flat out like an idiot because I was dumped. Wasn't that I wanted to get between him and Star, or show Zac I could get someone else easily. I was just reacting to every moment.
I'm hearing from people that I'm not exactly clear on what it is I want. I figured I was fairly clear with that, but I realise I haven't been, because I wasn't entirely sure what I wanted. So, I guess I'll do that now. And Blaise, I'm sure you'll get a kick out of this...
I wanted to be true to my feelings for Zac. Regardless of what may have happened, I didn't want him to think that my feelings for him were replaceable, easily forgotten. Not for the fact that I was expecting him to realise this and leave Pax, but just so that he would know that he was important to me, and still is. I don't really care if he cares, or appreciates that, it was all more so for my sake. I needed him to know, so that the entire thing didn't feel like something petty and stupid, a fling or a mistake. That's not what I wanted.
At the same time, I didn't want those feelings to be the only thing I had left. I didn't want to be stuck with them, knowing nothing could happen. So yes, things with Draco went further than I had ever expected them to. I liked him -- still do. But that's not what I wanted either. I didn't want to be caught between a couple, again, and run the risk of having the same things happen one more time.
I don't want to be told that I should do what makes me happy. I have no idea what makes me happy anymore, because anything that did has become too tangled up and complicated now. Neither one of them has managed to keep me happy, and I don't think either one of them knows what it's like to be happy either, so I'm not going to hold on to the off chance that either one of them could pull through for me. So I'm going to leave it up to them now. I'm going to let them figure out and do what makes them happy, whatever that may be, and as for me ... Well, I'm going to go take a fucking nap.
So, on that note and in the funny way that life works, here you go:
I'm hearing from people that I'm not exactly clear on what it is I want. I figured I was fairly clear with that, but I realise I haven't been, because I wasn't entirely sure what I wanted. So, I guess I'll do that now. And Blaise, I'm sure you'll get a kick out of this...
I wanted to be true to my feelings for Zac. Regardless of what may have happened, I didn't want him to think that my feelings for him were replaceable, easily forgotten. Not for the fact that I was expecting him to realise this and leave Pax, but just so that he would know that he was important to me, and still is. I don't really care if he cares, or appreciates that, it was all more so for my sake. I needed him to know, so that the entire thing didn't feel like something petty and stupid, a fling or a mistake. That's not what I wanted.
At the same time, I didn't want those feelings to be the only thing I had left. I didn't want to be stuck with them, knowing nothing could happen. So yes, things with Draco went further than I had ever expected them to. I liked him -- still do. But that's not what I wanted either. I didn't want to be caught between a couple, again, and run the risk of having the same things happen one more time.
I don't want to be told that I should do what makes me happy. I have no idea what makes me happy anymore, because anything that did has become too tangled up and complicated now. Neither one of them has managed to keep me happy, and I don't think either one of them knows what it's like to be happy either, so I'm not going to hold on to the off chance that either one of them could pull through for me. So I'm going to leave it up to them now. I'm going to let them figure out and do what makes them happy, whatever that may be, and as for me ... Well, I'm going to go take a fucking nap.
So, on that note and in the funny way that life works, here you go: