(no subject)
Some puns I collected off the net :
There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. About an hour later the manager comes out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked as they moved along. "Because," said the manager, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! You know, he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" No, she replied, "You just happened to catch my eye."
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
At one time, economic conditions caused the closing of several small clothing mills in the English countryside. A man from West Germany bought the buildings and converted them into dog kennels for the convenience of German tourists who liked to have their pets with them while vacationing in England. One summer evening, a local resident called to his wife to come out of the house. "Just listen!" he urged. "The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"
Father to his six-year-old-son: 'Words are very important. When you talk to your neighbors, just say your aunt likes to crochet. Don't call her the happy hooker!'
Possible Company Mergers:
1. Xerox and Wurlitzer:
Joining forces to make reproductive organs.
2. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers:
New company expected to be called Fairwell Honeychild.
3. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler:
New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
4. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush Co.
and W. R. Grace Co.
New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
5. 3M & Goodyear:
To be known as: Mmm-Good.
6. John Deere & Abitibi-Price:
New company will surely become Deere Abi.
7. Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil:
Combining forces to become Honey, I'm Home.
8. Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining:
To now become Mine, All Mine
9. 3M, J.C. Penney, Canadian Opera Company:
New company slated to be called 3 Penney Opera
10. Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants:
Will be known from now on as Poupon Pants
11. Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women:
Joining forces to become Knott NOW!
12. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining:
What else but Zip Audi Do-Da