stacy's mom has got it goin' on!

[cadrandsolaire]

So I think things are still good though not fantastic as before but I have no right to complain because as usual this is because i have messed things up for myself. Strange how just a noise can change everything. I ask whats wrong and its "Jay" in a little sad desperate voice and my own pleases sound so similar to my mom's on the phone pleading with me to come home. Nobody really wants honesty after all. I want Jen to say she doesnt care about Jay anymore and she doesnt really want to know why I was so scared of him, and I dont really want to tell her how much I love her cause now I type here scared remembering all the things I said and which I'll regret and how many of them I meant and how she said it was good to hear them and how she never said I feel like that too and how she said she wasnt allowed to go to pieces and i think why not and how im not really allowed to either and how she said I'm all she has and I know I'm not all she has and I'm not nearly enough and how it still hurts to hear her talk about Anne and hear the bitterness and jealousy for what might have been in her voice and how she said its so easy to talk to you when all I wanted to say was please please don't tell me about Anne and how I don't want her to not tell me about Anne either cause I want to know how she feels so I wont be caught off guard in misunderstanding and how I'm afraid and yet so happy even right now so happy but so scared and I wanted her this morning to just say I love you everythings going to be okay I'm going to continue to love you even though it hurts but instead I had to spill myself all over her bed the mess that I am of heart intestines ribs dry cracking bones blood everywhere so she can see how thin this skin is and how we kept changing me the baby then her who gets to be comforted next and I cried again and again probably partially my hormones going haywire and

Tonight I went to Ange's and it was lovely. She taught me to make a scarf. I miss her. I want to truck off to her Catholic school in the Kansas hicktown and be with her and be best friends again and

My mother begged me on the phone to come home, crying please please please and it reminded me of trying to hold jen as though if i could only get her to face me I could show her everything, how little I care about Jay all my regret and all my love and its love I dont even understand and I think Katie go buy a cat and love it instead saying please please please jen so I told my mom I'd be home soon and came home and sat and talked and argued and you don't know how jealous I am of all of you and your mothers who hug you and love you and come up to you just to put an arm around you and I thought today about all the ways Emily said you could kill yourself and I wished someone would just do it cause I'd never eat those ground appleseeds, never be able to pull a trigger. does that mean I want to live? yes I guess except I don't I just want it to all end but I can't do it cause its really not that bad and could be much much worse its just when youre in pain you dont think about how much worse it could be cause it just hurts and all you want to do is make it go away and then I realize how dumb I am how silly it all is things could be much worse this is nothing I just need to suck it up and

I wish I could do an Irish accent. And cook well. And have little children. Later. And make everyone happy. And now I feel happy too because I can make some people happy and things are getting / will get better and i can sound a little Irish. So now I'll sleep and tomorrow will be really really good