huge red light
so i really feel like life has just stopped for me; like i'm not growing anymore. not physically, mentally, you know?
like after my 9th and 10th grade breakdown nothing has been the same.
teenage years are weird, really they are.
i mean, mine have been thus far.
so i went through this long period of time where i questioned everything..my whole world was completely new to me because my way of thinking completely flip flopped.
and like now...there is absolutely no questioning..there are no challenging subjects to talk about because somehow whenever someone tries to i just end up realizing, within 2 minutes, that everything JUST IS...and why question when not many answers are valid.
like i've reached this dead end..and there is NO getting pass it. Nothing really catches my interest..i mean, fuck, i am happier than i have been in a very long time but smiles and laughter and constant seretonan don't patch the fact that i'm really not being forced to think anymore. I do my school work..but nothing is ever really questioned.and thats another thing..i just accept everything now..well of course not EVERYTHING.
not having a religion class and a challenging english class really blows.
I mean, sure, religion had the tendency of putting me to sleep but there were always those 2 days a week where i got REALLY into talking about morals and social problems and things that MATTER...and now...i don't even know what i talk about..it's mostly just my friends and i cracking jokes, which is a blast, BUT i'm not being challenged...i have no one to pick my brain..and i don't exactly have the time to do it for myself.
i saw ignacio yesterday, for what seemed to be a split second but really lasted like an hour, and i felt like a pigeon..like i had no purpose. i was there..around all of his friends..but harrison and angelo i do really enjoy..ya and like i don't know...he was drunk i guess..and i felt like he was just another person..no one special...and i mean not special but just another one of my everyday people...i mean sure, i enjoyed going to the sushi place and joking around then talking about eazy-E and everything else..it was cool...and so we walk out and somehow the subject of reincarnation comes up..and i'm in the middle..i sort of believe in it..but i sort of don't and he gave me this whole setting and scenario about it and asked me how i felt about it and i started speaking and as i heard what was coming out of my mouth i became increasingly embarrassed..like, i expressed my place on the subject but i couldn't explain it as well as i wished to...and i feel like the fact that i just really could not express myself well ties into this whole dead end no progress boring everyday same fucking shit routine.
except...really...i am happy. haha.
i am.i go to school with a HUGE smile on, i go to classes prepared, take notes, and I LOVE IT! i chill with my ladies and we have a ball..i chill w/ luis and it's so much fun:D i come home and i'm still happy i go shopping and i am contstantly realizing how much I FUCKING LOVE ME INSIDE AND OUT! realzing how pleased i am with my physical appearace...like fuck..I LOVE ME and it has nothing to do w/ being conceited and everything to do with this complete rebirth of confidence i have...it has to do with me finally being comfortable wearing certain things and not being self-conscience...fuck, i spent 15 years telling myself i was ugly and obese and i let everything people said stick with me because i grew up with my brother and my neighbor making fun of me and i never ever wanted to believe that they did it because it was just fun and games for them...i still remember one time when they made me cry sooooo much...it was like my heart had completely shattered because i was only 7 and already doomed because they said i was ugly and i would never look like the little mermaid...i couldn't stop crying...to this day i have not cried that hard..and fuck i was only 7!....so i cried and cried and they both came in to talk to me on their own will and they hugged me and apologized repeatedly and told me that i was beautiful and that they honestly thought i was unnattractive crying because i had a gorgeous smile and that i needed to stop crying because pretty girls didn't cry...
and FUCK this whole experience is fucked up on so many levels.
-two boys completely destroying a little girls confidence from day 1
-me crying for fear of being ugly ever since i was little and living with such horrible views of myself for 16 years
-them telling me that pretty girls don't cry!
pretty is artificial..ugly is artificial.
either which way i'm a human and we all cry and emotion IS BEAUTIFUL and i'm crying and it's 3:50 and i'm overwhelmed and i can't wait until coachella.
haha so that put an instant smile on my face.
and you know, i know that those of you that read this and write cruel comments back to me will probably do the same to this one because you're pathetic and you get satisfaction out of putting down others but ya know what, humility only makes us all stronger once we accept humiliation we are much better off...and i have encountered it plenty of times as well as inflicted it upon a few people back in the day but SHIT HAPPENS and i love everyone so put me down...and i will still I LOVE YOU,stranger.
i am relieved:]
and now i'm happy.
good night, all.
like after my 9th and 10th grade breakdown nothing has been the same.
teenage years are weird, really they are.
i mean, mine have been thus far.
so i went through this long period of time where i questioned everything..my whole world was completely new to me because my way of thinking completely flip flopped.
and like now...there is absolutely no questioning..there are no challenging subjects to talk about because somehow whenever someone tries to i just end up realizing, within 2 minutes, that everything JUST IS...and why question when not many answers are valid.
like i've reached this dead end..and there is NO getting pass it. Nothing really catches my interest..i mean, fuck, i am happier than i have been in a very long time but smiles and laughter and constant seretonan don't patch the fact that i'm really not being forced to think anymore. I do my school work..but nothing is ever really questioned.and thats another thing..i just accept everything now..well of course not EVERYTHING.
not having a religion class and a challenging english class really blows.
I mean, sure, religion had the tendency of putting me to sleep but there were always those 2 days a week where i got REALLY into talking about morals and social problems and things that MATTER...and now...i don't even know what i talk about..it's mostly just my friends and i cracking jokes, which is a blast, BUT i'm not being challenged...i have no one to pick my brain..and i don't exactly have the time to do it for myself.
i saw ignacio yesterday, for what seemed to be a split second but really lasted like an hour, and i felt like a pigeon..like i had no purpose. i was there..around all of his friends..but harrison and angelo i do really enjoy..ya and like i don't know...he was drunk i guess..and i felt like he was just another person..no one special...and i mean not special but just another one of my everyday people...i mean sure, i enjoyed going to the sushi place and joking around then talking about eazy-E and everything else..it was cool...and so we walk out and somehow the subject of reincarnation comes up..and i'm in the middle..i sort of believe in it..but i sort of don't and he gave me this whole setting and scenario about it and asked me how i felt about it and i started speaking and as i heard what was coming out of my mouth i became increasingly embarrassed..like, i expressed my place on the subject but i couldn't explain it as well as i wished to...and i feel like the fact that i just really could not express myself well ties into this whole dead end no progress boring everyday same fucking shit routine.
except...really...i am happy. haha.
i am.i go to school with a HUGE smile on, i go to classes prepared, take notes, and I LOVE IT! i chill with my ladies and we have a ball..i chill w/ luis and it's so much fun:D i come home and i'm still happy i go shopping and i am contstantly realizing how much I FUCKING LOVE ME INSIDE AND OUT! realzing how pleased i am with my physical appearace...like fuck..I LOVE ME and it has nothing to do w/ being conceited and everything to do with this complete rebirth of confidence i have...it has to do with me finally being comfortable wearing certain things and not being self-conscience...fuck, i spent 15 years telling myself i was ugly and obese and i let everything people said stick with me because i grew up with my brother and my neighbor making fun of me and i never ever wanted to believe that they did it because it was just fun and games for them...i still remember one time when they made me cry sooooo much...it was like my heart had completely shattered because i was only 7 and already doomed because they said i was ugly and i would never look like the little mermaid...i couldn't stop crying...to this day i have not cried that hard..and fuck i was only 7!....so i cried and cried and they both came in to talk to me on their own will and they hugged me and apologized repeatedly and told me that i was beautiful and that they honestly thought i was unnattractive crying because i had a gorgeous smile and that i needed to stop crying because pretty girls didn't cry...
and FUCK this whole experience is fucked up on so many levels.
-two boys completely destroying a little girls confidence from day 1
-me crying for fear of being ugly ever since i was little and living with such horrible views of myself for 16 years
-them telling me that pretty girls don't cry!
pretty is artificial..ugly is artificial.
either which way i'm a human and we all cry and emotion IS BEAUTIFUL and i'm crying and it's 3:50 and i'm overwhelmed and i can't wait until coachella.
haha so that put an instant smile on my face.
and you know, i know that those of you that read this and write cruel comments back to me will probably do the same to this one because you're pathetic and you get satisfaction out of putting down others but ya know what, humility only makes us all stronger once we accept humiliation we are much better off...and i have encountered it plenty of times as well as inflicted it upon a few people back in the day but SHIT HAPPENS and i love everyone so put me down...and i will still I LOVE YOU,stranger.
i am relieved:]
and now i'm happy.
good night, all.