Fic: "Seriously! Plants?"
But John kinda likes plants; they’re green and cool and have photosynthesis and stuff. He really likes this plant in particular. He wonders if anyone would notice if he just stroked the leaves a little bit.
He casually looks around. The people of PX3-217 are chatting with Teyla, Rodney hanging eagerly over her shoulder, impatient to have the trading completed so he can start playing with the new Ancient toys.
Ronon’s surrounded by a bunch of little kids, all quietly looking at him with big eyes taking in his dreads, size, and weapons. Ronon smiles suddenly and two of the little girls shriek and run to hide behind a large boulder. When they stick their heads out to look back at him they’re giggling, so John turns his attention back to this very awesome plant.
It’s a really nice plant, he thinks rather hazily. He knows Rodney doesn’t like plants, but John’s pretty darn sure that if Rodney would just give this plant a chance, he’d totally love it, just like John does.
Part of John’s brain is starting to feel like something’s wrong, that perhaps plants aren’t suppose to be quite this captivating. The rest of him just wants to know how to impress plant life.
He briefly ponders requisitioning some Miracle-Grow from Earth, but decides it would take too long.
Best stick with what works.
He licks his lips to make them shiny and smiles his best come-hither smile, the one that got him laid all the time in college, at the foliage.
He reaches out a tentative hand, glancing around again quickly. Everyone is still occupied.
He’s just about to touch it, to feel its glistening leaves, to revel in the clean smooth greenness of it when he’s suddenly down in a perfect spear tackle, Ronon’s heavy body crushing John.
When he looks frantically back at the plant, it has teeth.
“It bites and it’s poisonous, Sheppard.” Ronon rumbles. “Don’t touch it.”
Now that he’s away from the plant and not breathing in the pheromones it was obviously producing, John realizes just how stupid he’s been acting.
The villagers are laughing at him and Rodney is demanding an explanation at the top of his not-inconsiderable lungs. Teyla tries to calm him down while the villagers explain.
He can just hear Rodney already. “A plant, Colonel? A Plant? What, no alien princesses available so you went for a plant?!”
John’s never going to live this down.