"Memory itself is an internal rumour."
Yesterday, I fell asleep on my stomach, trying to meditate on the earth. I remembering dozing/redirecting my thoughts at least three times before falling into a deep sleep. I didn't pay attention to the time, but I believe that I slept for a few hours before I was startled awake [I think it was triggered by Derek rolling over or touching me]. I cried out once, which woke Derek up, and then I was at the foot of the bed before I realized where I was.
Later, Derek said that after hearing me cry out, he opened his eyes and saw me looking at him. I was up on all fours. At that point I shrieked again and scrambled to the end of the bed. I remember wanting to get off of the bed, that something about Derek had scared me. I remember looking directly at him and not understanding. I remember him telling me that it was all right...
The fucked-up thing is that I can't blame my actions on a nightmare. I simply don't remember what was happening before I woke up. I've had really terrible nightmares before, and I usually remember them - especially the bad ones. My dreams are generally very detailed [sometimes to the point of being epic]. But this time there's nothing for me to grab onto - I can't say what I had been dreaming about at all that morning, let alone something that would cause me to freak-out like that...
After discussing with Derek what happened, he mentioned that I had done something similar before. I thought about it, and I do vaguely remember nearly jumping out of bed one time - but it was definitely not this bad. It's really perplexing and I can't stop thinking about it...
Later, Derek said that after hearing me cry out, he opened his eyes and saw me looking at him. I was up on all fours. At that point I shrieked again and scrambled to the end of the bed. I remember wanting to get off of the bed, that something about Derek had scared me. I remember looking directly at him and not understanding. I remember him telling me that it was all right...
The fucked-up thing is that I can't blame my actions on a nightmare. I simply don't remember what was happening before I woke up. I've had really terrible nightmares before, and I usually remember them - especially the bad ones. My dreams are generally very detailed [sometimes to the point of being epic]. But this time there's nothing for me to grab onto - I can't say what I had been dreaming about at all that morning, let alone something that would cause me to freak-out like that...
After discussing with Derek what happened, he mentioned that I had done something similar before. I thought about it, and I do vaguely remember nearly jumping out of bed one time - but it was definitely not this bad. It's really perplexing and I can't stop thinking about it...