ugh
can't even have a conversation with paul without him showing me some little porcelain goddess or whatever.
what am i doing wrong?
why does the general populace hate me?
i know i'm weird but i didn't think i was off enough to actually be legitimately UNREACHABLE by the public.
at school and at work, people are just annoyed... which makes me nervous, which makes me awkward, and then i get rambling and stuttery, and the cycle continues.
i just wish.. i just wish maybe once in my life.. i could be introduced to a social circle where people might see my creativity, or my sense of humor, or the random knowledge i have in so many fields, instead of the energy levels that are too high for America, the apparent excessive talking, and - and what the fuck else?
no, i don't LIKE the stupid football crowd. i don't LIKE the cheerleaders or the fuckers who decide to go out drinking and then come home and watch Buffy instead of trying to get something out of their education.
it's impossible to make friends. the only opportunities i have for that are work and school; work, being in the real world, will never provide me with any positive acquaintances. as for school, i'm at umass fucking boston for reasons i don't want to dwell on anymore. i want to get out, but the only way to get an apartment away from home is to stay there for at least another year.
drugs fuck up your life.
i wish i had never started doing coke. i wish i had been able to say no to that first line danya brought me, two days after agreeing to promise he wouldn't let me try it.
i wish i had never fucked up my brain, my emotions and my digestive system by constantly drinking.
i wish i didn't need to smoke so much fucking weed.
but what the hell are you supposed to do when the entire world around you does nothing but tell you you're unwelcome?
and how the hell am i supposed to make new friends, with no social environment at school or work?
clearly it's time for a new job (more because of the general manager and my coworkers and the obscenely low pay AND the paycheck shortages), but...
all the people i enjoy being around are elsewhere, with their own friends. and i'm in boston.... with none, because the only time people are around is on their breaks, and then i'm always spending my free time with dan because i see him once every two weeks and he's the only part of my normal life that isn't fucking HELL at this point.
i want out somehow. i was seriously contemplating suicide for about the entire day yesterday. i'm never going to fit in - i don't care about BEING like everyone else.. i just want my fucking differences to be accepted already.
maybe i'm just too intelligent for my surroundings. snotty-ass thing to say, but when i notice these hollow, vapid assholes sitting there with blank stares, pissed off when they're asked to put any sort of thought toward academia.... the school is worse than a public high school, and the social heirarchy is structured in exactly the same manner.
monday: i get up at 8, go to school until 2:30, RUSH to work at 3, work till 11.
tuesday: puppysitting and homework. this is the only day in the week i have available. therefore, ANY appointment that needs to be on a weekday (like the doctor's appointments and medical tests I have just about every week) is placed on a tuesday. so is tuesday a day off? no.
wednesday: school, then puppysitting and homework.
thursday: work.
friday: school, then homework.
weekends: work at petco with an occasional weekend off (though i did specify every other weekend, and they scheduled me for about 8 tuesdays and threw fits when i couldn't go, despite that i had laid my schedule down..... in writing... when they asked).
I AM GOING FUCKING INSANE AND I FUCKING HATE THE FACT THAT MY PARENTS WON'T PAY FOR ANY OF MY GODDAMN SHIT. not food, not scripts, not ANYTHING. they understand i'm in debt and despite that they're sitting on billions of dollars, won't even begin to help me with a PENNY. they understand i need to eat, am lactose intolerant and allergic to wheat, and am on about 8 prescriptions for mental issues that mainly THEY helped to cultivate. they understand that i need to be out of this house, and they understand that my income is less even than the amount of food i need to buy, and that my debts are climbing and climbing.
so in addition to being a full-time student i have to work two jobs, completely abandon any hopes of having a social life, and probably wear myself to the core and jump off a building. sometimes i glee at the prospect of leaving a suicide note blaming them for fucking everything.
i'm so fucking behind societally and socially and emotionally due to a lack of exposure. i've lost the opportunities you're supposed to have in college, to be a kid and have fun, to have some friends, to enjoy your youth a little bit and learn some things about people.
but for some reason my parents seem to think the best life for me is secluded in an office or in my room.
are they right? am i that much of a freak that the world simply doesn't want to look upon me?
i don't know what to do. i'm so lonely and i have no time to keep up ties and friendships because i never have any spare time. everyone thinks i'm blowing them off. and half my guy friends stopped talking to me once they realized they couldn't get into my pants anymore.
i feel alone to the point of physical pain and given that i've never really had a fully-comfortable social circle, i really don't think i ever will....
what am i doing wrong?
why does the general populace hate me?
i know i'm weird but i didn't think i was off enough to actually be legitimately UNREACHABLE by the public.
at school and at work, people are just annoyed... which makes me nervous, which makes me awkward, and then i get rambling and stuttery, and the cycle continues.
i just wish.. i just wish maybe once in my life.. i could be introduced to a social circle where people might see my creativity, or my sense of humor, or the random knowledge i have in so many fields, instead of the energy levels that are too high for America, the apparent excessive talking, and - and what the fuck else?
no, i don't LIKE the stupid football crowd. i don't LIKE the cheerleaders or the fuckers who decide to go out drinking and then come home and watch Buffy instead of trying to get something out of their education.
it's impossible to make friends. the only opportunities i have for that are work and school; work, being in the real world, will never provide me with any positive acquaintances. as for school, i'm at umass fucking boston for reasons i don't want to dwell on anymore. i want to get out, but the only way to get an apartment away from home is to stay there for at least another year.
drugs fuck up your life.
i wish i had never started doing coke. i wish i had been able to say no to that first line danya brought me, two days after agreeing to promise he wouldn't let me try it.
i wish i had never fucked up my brain, my emotions and my digestive system by constantly drinking.
i wish i didn't need to smoke so much fucking weed.
but what the hell are you supposed to do when the entire world around you does nothing but tell you you're unwelcome?
and how the hell am i supposed to make new friends, with no social environment at school or work?
clearly it's time for a new job (more because of the general manager and my coworkers and the obscenely low pay AND the paycheck shortages), but...
all the people i enjoy being around are elsewhere, with their own friends. and i'm in boston.... with none, because the only time people are around is on their breaks, and then i'm always spending my free time with dan because i see him once every two weeks and he's the only part of my normal life that isn't fucking HELL at this point.
i want out somehow. i was seriously contemplating suicide for about the entire day yesterday. i'm never going to fit in - i don't care about BEING like everyone else.. i just want my fucking differences to be accepted already.
maybe i'm just too intelligent for my surroundings. snotty-ass thing to say, but when i notice these hollow, vapid assholes sitting there with blank stares, pissed off when they're asked to put any sort of thought toward academia.... the school is worse than a public high school, and the social heirarchy is structured in exactly the same manner.
monday: i get up at 8, go to school until 2:30, RUSH to work at 3, work till 11.
tuesday: puppysitting and homework. this is the only day in the week i have available. therefore, ANY appointment that needs to be on a weekday (like the doctor's appointments and medical tests I have just about every week) is placed on a tuesday. so is tuesday a day off? no.
wednesday: school, then puppysitting and homework.
thursday: work.
friday: school, then homework.
weekends: work at petco with an occasional weekend off (though i did specify every other weekend, and they scheduled me for about 8 tuesdays and threw fits when i couldn't go, despite that i had laid my schedule down..... in writing... when they asked).
I AM GOING FUCKING INSANE AND I FUCKING HATE THE FACT THAT MY PARENTS WON'T PAY FOR ANY OF MY GODDAMN SHIT. not food, not scripts, not ANYTHING. they understand i'm in debt and despite that they're sitting on billions of dollars, won't even begin to help me with a PENNY. they understand i need to eat, am lactose intolerant and allergic to wheat, and am on about 8 prescriptions for mental issues that mainly THEY helped to cultivate. they understand that i need to be out of this house, and they understand that my income is less even than the amount of food i need to buy, and that my debts are climbing and climbing.
so in addition to being a full-time student i have to work two jobs, completely abandon any hopes of having a social life, and probably wear myself to the core and jump off a building. sometimes i glee at the prospect of leaving a suicide note blaming them for fucking everything.
i'm so fucking behind societally and socially and emotionally due to a lack of exposure. i've lost the opportunities you're supposed to have in college, to be a kid and have fun, to have some friends, to enjoy your youth a little bit and learn some things about people.
but for some reason my parents seem to think the best life for me is secluded in an office or in my room.
are they right? am i that much of a freak that the world simply doesn't want to look upon me?
i don't know what to do. i'm so lonely and i have no time to keep up ties and friendships because i never have any spare time. everyone thinks i'm blowing them off. and half my guy friends stopped talking to me once they realized they couldn't get into my pants anymore.
i feel alone to the point of physical pain and given that i've never really had a fully-comfortable social circle, i really don't think i ever will....