I should work for Hallmark

[cactusbear]

While shopping for cheap oatmeal at Walgreen's, I marveled at the annual Valentine's Day extravaganza. I wonder how many people on Thursday are going to get huge stuffed gorillas holding satin hearts and say to their significant other "Oh, honey, you SHOULDN'T have!" and think to themselves, "Damn right, he shouldn't have! Where am I going to put this thing?" Also, apparently, Valentine's Day isn't just for lovers anymore, like Virginia is. You can send Valentine's cards to pretty much anyone, even under the guise of a pet! Of course, every card is dripping with sentiments of love, along with a racy undertone here and there. This is where my cynical mind started to work. Unfortunately, as we all know, not all relationships are happy ones. Where are the cards for people who may be feeling a little down about their mate? To help them out, I've compiled a few little greeting card fillers for the less fortunate. Feel free to clip them out and paste them inside a paper heart with a paper dagger in it:

"Valentine's Day only comes once a year,
and thanks to our sexless marriage,
so do I!"

"If I could have but one wish, Valentine,
it would be to have you in my arms,
at least your neck, that is."

"I thought you would enjoy this card, my darling.
It's shaped like a heart.
Not having one yourself, I thought you might like to see what one looks like."

"I hate you.
I poisoned your chocolate."

Call me a sentimental slob and all, but I just can't help it.