Fic: Haven of Grace (Gibbs/Dinozzo)
Title: Haven of Grace
Author: cackymn_lj
Category: Slash
Fandom: NCIS
Pairing: Gibbs/DiNozzo
OMC: Yes
Rating: PG-ish
Words: 3950
Summary:
How it might have gone for Tony and Gibbs after the episode S5-7 Requiem. Ducky, Abby, Jenny, and especially Tony react to Gibbs' handling of the Tyler case. Angst in heavy syrup. :-)
Notes:
I recently went to a concert with the wonderful djmichealsfics. We had a superb time and challenged one another to write a story utilizing a song. She assigned me "Open Arms" by Journey, but I didn't stop there! A big thank you to her for a great night of fun and inspiration. Additional thanks to lumpychopin for helping in song selection - it made a difference.
Disclaimer: I do not own or profit from anything connected to NCIS, CBS, or the song lyrics quoted in this story as follows:
Prologue - Lord of the Highway by Joe Ely
Part One - Living a Life of Illusion by Joe Walsh
Part Two - Yellow by Coldplay
Part Three - Breathe (2 a.m.) by Anna Nalick
Part Four - Bad by U2
Part Five - From the Beginning by Emerson, Lake, and Palmer
Epilogue - Open Arms by Journey.
Spoilers: Major for Requiem. Minor for SWAK and Hiatus
Shout out to my Aunt Carolyn. She knows why!
Thanks to all readers. I hope you enjoy this story, and feedback is welcome!
Haven of Grace
Prologue: Lord of the Highway
**********
Your love has no pity
But baby, baby that's all right
**********
"Ah, Agent Gibbs!"
"Ducky."
"I've confirmed Agent DiNozzo's report. Our guests succumbed just as he described."
"Good. They would have killed her."
"As your ill-fated escape almost did." Ducky favored Gibbs with a piercing look. "Anthony appears to be alright, for the moment. You and Miss Tyler ingested more of the dirty water, but you both have healthier lungs than has your second-in-command."
Gibbs stared blankly back at his friend.
"Only came for the report."
"Then you needn't have bothered!" the older man snapped. "If you won't talk about this, I will be most happy to employ the 'send' button."
"What d'you want me to say?"
"Jethro, given that you knew what you were doing, why didn't you arrange backup? It seems you risked everything to prove a point!"
"Just trying to get her back."
Gibbs' stare was icy and he radiated anger, but the M.E. was undeterred.
"If as you say, they would have killed her, what made you believe you could buy her life with the money they sought? Jethro, you simply were not thinking about this. You wanted to do it yourself or pay the price, and it was a gamble you lost! You put Anthony in a most unenviable position. You'll speak to him of course..."
"He was doing his job, Duck."
"Nonsense! Tell me, how is that possible when you didn't tell him where you were going? Doing his job! I daresay he was doing yours, Agent Gibbs!"
"That's enough, Doctor!"
"Jethro, that young man..."
Gibbs turned unsteadily on his heel and strode out of Autopsy.
"...cares for you!"
Ducky sighed at Gibbs' retreating back. "Loves you, you blithering idiot." The M.E. shook his head and continued speaking into the empty room. "There's a storm coming, my friend."
I: Living a Life of Illusion
**********
And hey, don't you know it's a waste of your day
Caught up in endless solutions
That have no meaning - just another hunch
Based upon jumping conclusions
And I can't help the feeling I'm living a life of illusion
Backed up against a wall of confusion
**********
It was a stupid circle. He had a thousand excuses, which was what they were, for why he hadn't made up his mind about Gibbs, which apparently he had.
It's not the right time. It's inappropriate. It won't be reciprocated. It's unrealistic. It's Gibbs. He had come to doubt them all, or more precisely, to wonder why they mattered, why discretion was believed to be the better part of valor. What the hell was that supposed to mean, anyway? It sure as fuck didn't sound like any fun. If you love something, let it go. WHAT? Another stupid saying just trying to make you waste your life. It must be an industry. It was all seriously starting to piss him off. If he had held firm to a single one of those nuggets of wisdom, Gibbs would be dead.
And Abby - Abby was trying to divest him of the very last shred of his sanity.
He held his phone out in front of him as if it were a dangerous animal that might bite. In fact, it was bristling with MP3 files and texted song lyrics, and he began waving it back and forth through the air in front of the younger woman's face the moment he entered her lab.
"Abby, what the hell! What are you doing!"
"What do you think I'm doing, Tony? You're the king of pop-culture references. You don't have an excuse!"
"Y-es, I do! It's cryptic and...weird, and half the time I can't tell what it's about."
"So half the time you can?"
"I didn't say that...Abby, please, just stop!"
"No way, Mister! I'm not stopping because it doesn't have to be this way and you know it, Anthony DiNozzo!"
"What doesn't have to be what way!"
"IT, Tony! The only it in your life."
"Now that's just mean."
"You could have died and he hasn't said a word!"
Oh Jesus, it was all about Gibbs. He had known of course. They had been too damn appropriate, the songs.
"Your lungs aren't normal anymore."
"Yeah, well, he already told me not to die over my lungs, so I guess it's a standing order."
"No, Tony, something is wrong!" Abby launched into her worked-up mode. "You risked your life, you were a hero and you did it all alone. You were there for him, and Maddie, when everybody else just threw up their hands 'cause he's Gibbs and he follows his gut and it's not like you did something stupid!"
"That's right, Abby, it's simple. He did something stupid. He's embarrassed."
"He's way more than embarrassed, Tony. He's thinking about it, I can tell."
Tony dragged both hands down his face.
"That's so much worse."
"Okay, normally I wouldn't say this because, well because normally I would want you to like, live, and I do still want you to live, but...Tony, you've got to call him on his shit!"
"What, that he hasn't sent a thank-you note?"
"That he almost got you killed!"
"He almost got himself and Maddie killed, Abby. I wasn't even supposed to be there."
"Exactly!" You're the reason the two of them are still alive and he probably doesn't believe he deserves to be forgiven and he knows he could lose you, Tony! He could lose you because you..."
"ABBY! I'll deal with it, ok? I'll handle it!"
II: Yellow
**********
I swam across, I jumped across for you
What a thing to do
I drew a line, I drew a line for you
What a thing to do
And it was all yellow
**********
Gibbs descended the stairs with a face as dark as thunder. Upon reaching his desk he swept what was on top of it onto the floor, then savagely yanked open the top drawer and tossed his badge inside with a flick of his wrist. He stared at his Sig as if he'd like to pull the trigger, before dropping it like a hated thing. The drawer was slammed and locked and the silence that followed Leroy Jethro Gibbs out of the bullpen was deafening.
Tony's eyes tracked Gibbs to the elevator like a compass pointing north, and then he was on his feet. He didn't have an answer for Ziva or McGee. He didn't have one for himself, not one that didn't tie his stomach in knots and tighten the vise behind his eyes.
He was up the stairs and inside Jenny's office before his teammates could say a word. He stood facing her and it was a moment or two before he realized she was speaking.
"...and I'm putting a commendation in your file."
Tony drew a long shuddering breath.
"Exceptional Valor."
He stared at her dully. It was the last thing he wanted, a testament to things falling apart.
"Agent Gibbs is suspended, effective immediately. You are Acting Team Leader, also effective immediately. I trust your judgment, Agent DiNozzo."
That makes one of us.
They caught two cases and Tony treated his probie and his assassin like the competent investigators they were. They closed a robbery the first day, it was nothing, really, and authenticated the voice-print of a suspected blackmailer on the second. Tony perused the songs and lyrics Abby had sent him, because he was a glutton for punishment, but he avoided Gibbs' desk like the plague.
Abby was mournful, McGee and Ziva conscientious to a fault, and Director Shepard kept looking at him as if he were a piece to a puzzle. Only Ducky was grim and silent, and on the third day Tony spiked a fever.
III: Breathe
**********
And you can't jump the tracks, we're like cars on a cable
Life is an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, so
Cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe
**********
"You have a Gram-negative bacterial complication of the type that can overwhelm the body's systems with alarming speed if not treated aggressively. I'm sorry Anthony, you are off active duty as of this moment. I have prepared a course of medications for you and you must take them. Your very life may depend on it."
Ducky was frighteningly serious and Tony said what he did mainly out of reflex.
"Ducky, I'll be fine."
"Agent DiNozzo!"
Jenny was in the doorway, her face a mask of concern and her voice tight with anger.
"There will be no argument in this matter. Do I make myself clear!"
She was vibrating with fury, and in spite of everything, Tony felt a moment of kinship with this woman who, like himself, couldn't keep anything safe from Gibbs.
"The MCRT is temporarily inactivated. Agent DiNozzo, you will take seven days off with pay and so help me Tony, if you don't do as you're told..."
Even Ducky was taken aback by her vehemence. He shot a glance at Tony before breaking in.
"I assure you, Director, Anthony here does not have a death wish."
And there it was. Gibbs wasn't even in the room and he was on everyone's mind. Tony waited until the Director was gone before turning to Ducky. He gave his friend and physician a long look that contained, quite simply, everything.
"Give me the meds, Ducky. I'm going after him."
Ducky passed Tony a small case already stocked with bottles of pills, a thermometer, blood pressure cuff and a few other supplies. He sighed.
"I expected no less. Good luck to you."
"Ducky?"
The doctor didn't seem surprised at Tony lingering.
"Suppose he doesn't want to be found. What if he doesn't want to see me?"
"My dear Anthony," Ducky began, and his voice was filled with compassion. "Agent Gibbs fancies himself a straight shooter - it is a reputation he cultivates, but for all that, he does play a great many games - mostly with himself."
Tony nodded, embarrassed to be blinking back tears.
"You must forgive me, Tony, for telling you things you already know, but my point is... Jethro is conflicted, not dishonest. You would do well to keep that in mind."
"His gut?"
"Yes, his gut - but it is yours you must trust this time. If Gibbs wants to be found, even in part, you will be the one who finds him."
IV: Bad
**********
If you twist and turn away, if you tear yourself in two again
If I could, yes I would
If I could, I would
Let it go
Surrender, dislocate
If I could through myself set your spirit free
I'd lead your heart away, see you break, break away
Into the light and to the day
To let it go and so to fade away
I'm wide awake
**********
The house was dark just as it had been that other time, when Tony had collected the bills, paid them when he could, and kept the lights on in case the man who hadn't said goodbye ever decided to come back. They'd never spoken of it though Gibbs had known. At the time Tony had felt he'd had no choice but to accept Gibbs' way of dealing with things.
C'mon, Jethro. Tell me you left me a clue.
He found it in the basement - a photo of a younger Gibbs on a beach that featured shallow dunes and a line of trees - no way of knowing who'd taken it but Tony could guess - directions on the back in faded ball-point. The location was a spot high on the upper Chesapeake near a little town called Havre de Grace. Haven of Grace. He only thought it a clue because it had been on the top of a pile of odds and ends near the chipped coffee cup and sometime whiskey jar, but with Gibbs that was all he needed.
The garage was empty and he didn't see Gibbs' go-bag anywhere. He looked for and found extra blankets, some matches, water, and a flashlight to add to his own emergency kit before heading out. It might be almost pleasant where he was going or it could be fiercely cold. He hadn't really felt warm since his leap from the pier but he resisted the urge to curl up and wait for Gibbs to come to his senses.
Driving up I-95 in afternoon traffic, Tony let his anger spool out and fill him. Assuming he was on the right track, Gibbs hadn't gone far, so this wasn't about distance. He'd left the man a single voicemail. You O.K.? There'd been no reply, Gibbs might have been gone three days or three hours. He pulled into the recreation area parking lot, empty this time of year. His chest thumped at the sight of Gibbs' pickup, and pulling alongside it he got out, slammed his door, and started walking.
He maintained a slow steady pace even as he spotted the lone figure sitting on a piece of driftwood near the surf. Gibbs appeared to be doing nothing more than watching the tide go out, and though he glanced up sharply he didn't move or speak until Tony stood not quite facing him in front of the gently crawling waves. The presence of so much water didn't soothe Tony and he doubted it ever would again. It occurred to him that hadn't decided what he was here to say, if anything.
"You on the clock?"
"No - suspended, just like you."
Gibbs coughed angrily. "What, she can't watch me squirm so she's punishing my agents? That bi..."
"It was Ducky."
"What?"
"Says I might be sick, from the water." Tony was having a hard time getting the words to come out. "... mandatory medical leave. Taking stuff for my lungs - antibiotics, other stuff. He said if I don't develop symptoms he won't make me have a bronchoscopy."
"What!"
"I know, it doesn't sound real to me either."
For an instant Gibbs looked like he might be cursing himself for a fool. He finally met Tony's eyes.
"You didn't track me down to tell me that. You wouldn't have," he added, sounding more than a little ashamed.
Just then Tony hated the vulnerable note in Gibbs' voice. However real or however rare, he didn't have it coming to him, and Tony was glad to finally have a focus for his anger, for all of it.
"To tell you I'm taking my temperature three times a day - never."
Gibbs fired back.
"I screwed up - I get it!"
"Do you?" Tony countered. "'Cause it sure doesn't look that way."
"Are you gonna tell me how it looks, DiNozzo?"
"Yeah. We don't just take your shit, Gibbs! We take your orders. We follow your lead, we follow you. We trust you, we're loyal to you - we don't do it just so you can run off and get yourself killed!"
"Maddie..."
"Maddie Tyler will go out and make a life for herself! Our lives are here."
With you.
Gibbs looked like he'd been slapped in the face, but once again the expression didn't hold, didn't resolve fully into the present.
"I'm sorry, Tony..."
Tony raised an eyebrow, his mouth fixed in a grim line.
"...for everything."
Gibbs was as desolate as he had ever seen him, and Tony felt his own anger draining away, his heart once again shifting gears. He didn't want Gibbs to be sorry - he wanted him to stop sacrificing himself.
I won't let you do it. Haven't you noticed?
"Alright, I hear what you're saying, Gibbs, and I appreciate it, I guess, but...well, you see...don't you think that's the problem? You can't be sorry for everything."
"Why not?" He was looking away again.
"Because not everything is about you, Gibbs." Tony said, and it was such a lie. He paused. "Because then none of it makes sense."
"Doesn't have to make sense, DiNozzo."
"Some of it has to."
Gibbs still didn't look up and the two spent a few moments just breathing.
"Shannon and Kelly were there."
So that was it - it had been more than just the relationship of Maddie to his family. Tony looked out over the waves before turning his gaze back to the older man, guessing what it must feel like to be saying that and almost irrationally pleased that Gibbs was telling him the truth.
"Said I had to come back."
"There must have been sense in that," Tony said quietly, carefully.
"Well, it doesn't matter 'cause it hurts too goddam much!"
Gibbs spat out the words and Tony knew a bottom line when he heard one. He chose honesty over discretion.
"That's why I'm here."
Gibbs looked at him strangely.
"Don't really recommend it."
"Gibbs, I'm trying to get you to see another side of things." Tony cocked his head. "Y' know...help you out."
"So you're what, my guardian angel?"
"Maybe, yeah. Definitely."
Tony sensed that whatever he did next would be important. He borrowed a move and stepped in close, placing his lips near the older man's ear.
"Do you really think they'd mind?"
He straightened and looked into Gibbs' eyes, allowing a ghost of a smile to play on his lips.
"You don't have to give them up Gibbs. Just give yourself a chance, that's all."
This time Gibbs looked at him like he'd grown an extra head. He didn't seem to want to understand.
"That come from a movie?"
"No. DiNozzo wisdom."
Gibbs narrowed his eyes.
"When did you get like this?"
"I don't know. Maybe while nobody was looking."
Gibbs was looking now and his eyes were almost bottomless. Tony felt sort of bad for putting that look on his face - the one where it seemed his eyes might start slowly spinning. He didn't know if he could turn anybody's world right-side-up again, but for him the point of no return had finally arrived. If he was wrong, then there was no reason to be here any longer. There would always be more bad guys and other people to try and take them down. Whatever this was with Gibbs though, it was a thing, a singularity, and just like good and evil it felt as old as time. Tony was sick and tired of trying to be the judge of it, he was giving in.
He looked back at Gibbs, who was teetering on the brink of something.
"Gibbs?"
It was barely more than a whisper but the air crackled between them. He took the other man's hands in his, not caring that he might resist.
"It's now or never."
Tony watched the man he loved suffer a single spasm that could have been his whole life. Gibbs' chest shuddered, then his brow furrowed and he shook off Tony's hands. Water sprang into his eyes and was held there by surface tension, glittering even as looked down and away, his expression going dark before he raised his head to look at Tony again.
Tony gathered in the emotions that chased across Gibbs' face - recognition, then hope followed by fear, the look quiet but the thought loud. Gibbs' eyes pleaded with him.
Don't do this to me, Tony. I can't, not again.
"Gibbs I have your six, you know. I've got you."
Gibbs cleared his throat and Tony surprised himself by closing his eyes. The words came, soft and hoarse.
"Then it's now."
Tony started trembling so hard he almost toppled over. He didn't know what he'd expected, he'd been beyond that, running on instinct. Gibbs reached out immediately, drawing him down to safety. He spoke, and he was Gibbs, not the guy who had been about to wall himself off in pity, and it was Gibbs' usual voice Tony was hearing, velvet over broken rocks, familiar, the only voice in the world.
"For God's sake, Tony, c'mere. Guardian angels aren't supposed to pass out."
V. From the Beginning
**********
There might have been things I missed
But don't be unkind, it don't mean I'm blind
Maybe I might have changed
And not been so cruel, not been such a fool
But there it is
You see it's all clear
You were meant to be here
**********
Tony sat shakily on the driftwood next to Gibbs and before he could take another breath they were all over each other. Gibbs was kissing his eyes, the eyelids that had closed in trust, and the hands that had pumped his chest. He kissed his ribcage, which had held the gift of life, and finally his lips, Tony's lips that had pushed the air from his own lungs into Gibbs' body. Tony ran both hands up Gibbs' back and all ten fingers through his hair and he never wanted to let go.
"DiNozzo... "
"Gibbs."
"We're an hour and a half from my house..."
"I know, I know!"
Then he remembered the vehicles and the emergency kits.
"Wait..."
"Don't want to."
"No, I mean go up under those trees. Gimme your keys. I'll be back in a sec!"
Comprehension set in. Gibbs got moving, walking up the dunes, and Tony gave silent thanks for Ducky's medications as he took a deep breath and jogged for the cars.
Gibbs quietly watched as Tony returned with a bag on each shoulder and an armload of stuff.
"So it's officially a campout?"
"For now."
He handed Gibbs one of the go-bags, which were quickly dumped out.
Without another word they made each other naked, ignoring the chill, eyes drinking in all they could as the light faded, then they settled on the ground between the blankets and made love for the first time - kissing, caressing, reaching and touching in the dark, keeping it simple, pressing and sliding together until breath was the only sound and hot white light exploded behind their eyes. Weary and boneless, they kissed and whispered things that wouldn't need to be remembered, and they held one another until warm sleep claimed them.
Epilogue: Open Arms
**********
Lying beside you here in the dark
Feeling your heart next to mine
Softly you whisper, you're so sincere
How could our love be so blind
We sailed on together and drifted apart
Now here you are by my side
**********
"DiNozzo, are you humming?"
"No."
Tony stopped humming and nuzzled Gibbs' ear. Gibbs raised himself on an elbow and smiled contentedly into Tony's eyes, relaxed and serene. Then he lay back again and laced his fingers behind his head, gazing through the branches at the stars. Tony did the same - bright solid points dotted the black canopy above them. Infinity wheeled slowly over their heads.
"So you figured it out."
"Yeah."
He didn't have to ask aloud.
What did you figure out, Jethro?
"Not here just to work at NCIS, not here just to fight crime."
"And?"
"They didn't send me back for Maddie. I couldn't have done it."
No, you couldn't...
"Should have known it then, Tony, the second I opened my eyes on that dock."
Now Tony raised himself on an elbow. His fingertips brushed the skin of Gibbs' chest in a gentle rhythm.
"You know what, Gibbs? It's alright. I still had a little way to travel myself."
"I suppose that's true," Gibbs murmured absently. It was so un-Gibbs-like Tony had to laugh.
"What happened to 'it hurts too much'?"
"Doesn't really hurt too much right now, Tony."
"Let me guess - it hurts just enough."
Gibbs nodded. It was something Tony could understand.
"It's completely okay, Gibbs," he said with a soft smile. "You're here."
He settled into the older man's arms and Gibbs brought his hands together atop Tony's heart.
"I am, Tony. I'm here. For you."
The End.
Author: cackymn_lj
Category: Slash
Fandom: NCIS
Pairing: Gibbs/DiNozzo
OMC: Yes
Rating: PG-ish
Words: 3950
Summary:
How it might have gone for Tony and Gibbs after the episode S5-7 Requiem. Ducky, Abby, Jenny, and especially Tony react to Gibbs' handling of the Tyler case. Angst in heavy syrup. :-)
Notes:
I recently went to a concert with the wonderful djmichealsfics. We had a superb time and challenged one another to write a story utilizing a song. She assigned me "Open Arms" by Journey, but I didn't stop there! A big thank you to her for a great night of fun and inspiration. Additional thanks to lumpychopin for helping in song selection - it made a difference.
Disclaimer: I do not own or profit from anything connected to NCIS, CBS, or the song lyrics quoted in this story as follows:
Prologue - Lord of the Highway by Joe Ely
Part One - Living a Life of Illusion by Joe Walsh
Part Two - Yellow by Coldplay
Part Three - Breathe (2 a.m.) by Anna Nalick
Part Four - Bad by U2
Part Five - From the Beginning by Emerson, Lake, and Palmer
Epilogue - Open Arms by Journey.
Spoilers: Major for Requiem. Minor for SWAK and Hiatus
Shout out to my Aunt Carolyn. She knows why!
Thanks to all readers. I hope you enjoy this story, and feedback is welcome!
Haven of Grace
Prologue: Lord of the Highway
**********
Your love has no pity
But baby, baby that's all right
**********
"Ah, Agent Gibbs!"
"Ducky."
"I've confirmed Agent DiNozzo's report. Our guests succumbed just as he described."
"Good. They would have killed her."
"As your ill-fated escape almost did." Ducky favored Gibbs with a piercing look. "Anthony appears to be alright, for the moment. You and Miss Tyler ingested more of the dirty water, but you both have healthier lungs than has your second-in-command."
Gibbs stared blankly back at his friend.
"Only came for the report."
"Then you needn't have bothered!" the older man snapped. "If you won't talk about this, I will be most happy to employ the 'send' button."
"What d'you want me to say?"
"Jethro, given that you knew what you were doing, why didn't you arrange backup? It seems you risked everything to prove a point!"
"Just trying to get her back."
Gibbs' stare was icy and he radiated anger, but the M.E. was undeterred.
"If as you say, they would have killed her, what made you believe you could buy her life with the money they sought? Jethro, you simply were not thinking about this. You wanted to do it yourself or pay the price, and it was a gamble you lost! You put Anthony in a most unenviable position. You'll speak to him of course..."
"He was doing his job, Duck."
"Nonsense! Tell me, how is that possible when you didn't tell him where you were going? Doing his job! I daresay he was doing yours, Agent Gibbs!"
"That's enough, Doctor!"
"Jethro, that young man..."
Gibbs turned unsteadily on his heel and strode out of Autopsy.
"...cares for you!"
Ducky sighed at Gibbs' retreating back. "Loves you, you blithering idiot." The M.E. shook his head and continued speaking into the empty room. "There's a storm coming, my friend."
I: Living a Life of Illusion
**********
And hey, don't you know it's a waste of your day
Caught up in endless solutions
That have no meaning - just another hunch
Based upon jumping conclusions
And I can't help the feeling I'm living a life of illusion
Backed up against a wall of confusion
**********
It was a stupid circle. He had a thousand excuses, which was what they were, for why he hadn't made up his mind about Gibbs, which apparently he had.
It's not the right time. It's inappropriate. It won't be reciprocated. It's unrealistic. It's Gibbs. He had come to doubt them all, or more precisely, to wonder why they mattered, why discretion was believed to be the better part of valor. What the hell was that supposed to mean, anyway? It sure as fuck didn't sound like any fun. If you love something, let it go. WHAT? Another stupid saying just trying to make you waste your life. It must be an industry. It was all seriously starting to piss him off. If he had held firm to a single one of those nuggets of wisdom, Gibbs would be dead.
And Abby - Abby was trying to divest him of the very last shred of his sanity.
He held his phone out in front of him as if it were a dangerous animal that might bite. In fact, it was bristling with MP3 files and texted song lyrics, and he began waving it back and forth through the air in front of the younger woman's face the moment he entered her lab.
"Abby, what the hell! What are you doing!"
"What do you think I'm doing, Tony? You're the king of pop-culture references. You don't have an excuse!"
"Y-es, I do! It's cryptic and...weird, and half the time I can't tell what it's about."
"So half the time you can?"
"I didn't say that...Abby, please, just stop!"
"No way, Mister! I'm not stopping because it doesn't have to be this way and you know it, Anthony DiNozzo!"
"What doesn't have to be what way!"
"IT, Tony! The only it in your life."
"Now that's just mean."
"You could have died and he hasn't said a word!"
Oh Jesus, it was all about Gibbs. He had known of course. They had been too damn appropriate, the songs.
"Your lungs aren't normal anymore."
"Yeah, well, he already told me not to die over my lungs, so I guess it's a standing order."
"No, Tony, something is wrong!" Abby launched into her worked-up mode. "You risked your life, you were a hero and you did it all alone. You were there for him, and Maddie, when everybody else just threw up their hands 'cause he's Gibbs and he follows his gut and it's not like you did something stupid!"
"That's right, Abby, it's simple. He did something stupid. He's embarrassed."
"He's way more than embarrassed, Tony. He's thinking about it, I can tell."
Tony dragged both hands down his face.
"That's so much worse."
"Okay, normally I wouldn't say this because, well because normally I would want you to like, live, and I do still want you to live, but...Tony, you've got to call him on his shit!"
"What, that he hasn't sent a thank-you note?"
"That he almost got you killed!"
"He almost got himself and Maddie killed, Abby. I wasn't even supposed to be there."
"Exactly!" You're the reason the two of them are still alive and he probably doesn't believe he deserves to be forgiven and he knows he could lose you, Tony! He could lose you because you..."
"ABBY! I'll deal with it, ok? I'll handle it!"
II: Yellow
**********
I swam across, I jumped across for you
What a thing to do
I drew a line, I drew a line for you
What a thing to do
And it was all yellow
**********
Gibbs descended the stairs with a face as dark as thunder. Upon reaching his desk he swept what was on top of it onto the floor, then savagely yanked open the top drawer and tossed his badge inside with a flick of his wrist. He stared at his Sig as if he'd like to pull the trigger, before dropping it like a hated thing. The drawer was slammed and locked and the silence that followed Leroy Jethro Gibbs out of the bullpen was deafening.
Tony's eyes tracked Gibbs to the elevator like a compass pointing north, and then he was on his feet. He didn't have an answer for Ziva or McGee. He didn't have one for himself, not one that didn't tie his stomach in knots and tighten the vise behind his eyes.
He was up the stairs and inside Jenny's office before his teammates could say a word. He stood facing her and it was a moment or two before he realized she was speaking.
"...and I'm putting a commendation in your file."
Tony drew a long shuddering breath.
"Exceptional Valor."
He stared at her dully. It was the last thing he wanted, a testament to things falling apart.
"Agent Gibbs is suspended, effective immediately. You are Acting Team Leader, also effective immediately. I trust your judgment, Agent DiNozzo."
That makes one of us.
They caught two cases and Tony treated his probie and his assassin like the competent investigators they were. They closed a robbery the first day, it was nothing, really, and authenticated the voice-print of a suspected blackmailer on the second. Tony perused the songs and lyrics Abby had sent him, because he was a glutton for punishment, but he avoided Gibbs' desk like the plague.
Abby was mournful, McGee and Ziva conscientious to a fault, and Director Shepard kept looking at him as if he were a piece to a puzzle. Only Ducky was grim and silent, and on the third day Tony spiked a fever.
III: Breathe
**********
And you can't jump the tracks, we're like cars on a cable
Life is an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, so
Cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe
**********
"You have a Gram-negative bacterial complication of the type that can overwhelm the body's systems with alarming speed if not treated aggressively. I'm sorry Anthony, you are off active duty as of this moment. I have prepared a course of medications for you and you must take them. Your very life may depend on it."
Ducky was frighteningly serious and Tony said what he did mainly out of reflex.
"Ducky, I'll be fine."
"Agent DiNozzo!"
Jenny was in the doorway, her face a mask of concern and her voice tight with anger.
"There will be no argument in this matter. Do I make myself clear!"
She was vibrating with fury, and in spite of everything, Tony felt a moment of kinship with this woman who, like himself, couldn't keep anything safe from Gibbs.
"The MCRT is temporarily inactivated. Agent DiNozzo, you will take seven days off with pay and so help me Tony, if you don't do as you're told..."
Even Ducky was taken aback by her vehemence. He shot a glance at Tony before breaking in.
"I assure you, Director, Anthony here does not have a death wish."
And there it was. Gibbs wasn't even in the room and he was on everyone's mind. Tony waited until the Director was gone before turning to Ducky. He gave his friend and physician a long look that contained, quite simply, everything.
"Give me the meds, Ducky. I'm going after him."
Ducky passed Tony a small case already stocked with bottles of pills, a thermometer, blood pressure cuff and a few other supplies. He sighed.
"I expected no less. Good luck to you."
"Ducky?"
The doctor didn't seem surprised at Tony lingering.
"Suppose he doesn't want to be found. What if he doesn't want to see me?"
"My dear Anthony," Ducky began, and his voice was filled with compassion. "Agent Gibbs fancies himself a straight shooter - it is a reputation he cultivates, but for all that, he does play a great many games - mostly with himself."
Tony nodded, embarrassed to be blinking back tears.
"You must forgive me, Tony, for telling you things you already know, but my point is... Jethro is conflicted, not dishonest. You would do well to keep that in mind."
"His gut?"
"Yes, his gut - but it is yours you must trust this time. If Gibbs wants to be found, even in part, you will be the one who finds him."
IV: Bad
**********
If you twist and turn away, if you tear yourself in two again
If I could, yes I would
If I could, I would
Let it go
Surrender, dislocate
If I could through myself set your spirit free
I'd lead your heart away, see you break, break away
Into the light and to the day
To let it go and so to fade away
I'm wide awake
**********
The house was dark just as it had been that other time, when Tony had collected the bills, paid them when he could, and kept the lights on in case the man who hadn't said goodbye ever decided to come back. They'd never spoken of it though Gibbs had known. At the time Tony had felt he'd had no choice but to accept Gibbs' way of dealing with things.
C'mon, Jethro. Tell me you left me a clue.
He found it in the basement - a photo of a younger Gibbs on a beach that featured shallow dunes and a line of trees - no way of knowing who'd taken it but Tony could guess - directions on the back in faded ball-point. The location was a spot high on the upper Chesapeake near a little town called Havre de Grace. Haven of Grace. He only thought it a clue because it had been on the top of a pile of odds and ends near the chipped coffee cup and sometime whiskey jar, but with Gibbs that was all he needed.
The garage was empty and he didn't see Gibbs' go-bag anywhere. He looked for and found extra blankets, some matches, water, and a flashlight to add to his own emergency kit before heading out. It might be almost pleasant where he was going or it could be fiercely cold. He hadn't really felt warm since his leap from the pier but he resisted the urge to curl up and wait for Gibbs to come to his senses.
Driving up I-95 in afternoon traffic, Tony let his anger spool out and fill him. Assuming he was on the right track, Gibbs hadn't gone far, so this wasn't about distance. He'd left the man a single voicemail. You O.K.? There'd been no reply, Gibbs might have been gone three days or three hours. He pulled into the recreation area parking lot, empty this time of year. His chest thumped at the sight of Gibbs' pickup, and pulling alongside it he got out, slammed his door, and started walking.
He maintained a slow steady pace even as he spotted the lone figure sitting on a piece of driftwood near the surf. Gibbs appeared to be doing nothing more than watching the tide go out, and though he glanced up sharply he didn't move or speak until Tony stood not quite facing him in front of the gently crawling waves. The presence of so much water didn't soothe Tony and he doubted it ever would again. It occurred to him that hadn't decided what he was here to say, if anything.
"You on the clock?"
"No - suspended, just like you."
Gibbs coughed angrily. "What, she can't watch me squirm so she's punishing my agents? That bi..."
"It was Ducky."
"What?"
"Says I might be sick, from the water." Tony was having a hard time getting the words to come out. "... mandatory medical leave. Taking stuff for my lungs - antibiotics, other stuff. He said if I don't develop symptoms he won't make me have a bronchoscopy."
"What!"
"I know, it doesn't sound real to me either."
For an instant Gibbs looked like he might be cursing himself for a fool. He finally met Tony's eyes.
"You didn't track me down to tell me that. You wouldn't have," he added, sounding more than a little ashamed.
Just then Tony hated the vulnerable note in Gibbs' voice. However real or however rare, he didn't have it coming to him, and Tony was glad to finally have a focus for his anger, for all of it.
"To tell you I'm taking my temperature three times a day - never."
Gibbs fired back.
"I screwed up - I get it!"
"Do you?" Tony countered. "'Cause it sure doesn't look that way."
"Are you gonna tell me how it looks, DiNozzo?"
"Yeah. We don't just take your shit, Gibbs! We take your orders. We follow your lead, we follow you. We trust you, we're loyal to you - we don't do it just so you can run off and get yourself killed!"
"Maddie..."
"Maddie Tyler will go out and make a life for herself! Our lives are here."
With you.
Gibbs looked like he'd been slapped in the face, but once again the expression didn't hold, didn't resolve fully into the present.
"I'm sorry, Tony..."
Tony raised an eyebrow, his mouth fixed in a grim line.
"...for everything."
Gibbs was as desolate as he had ever seen him, and Tony felt his own anger draining away, his heart once again shifting gears. He didn't want Gibbs to be sorry - he wanted him to stop sacrificing himself.
I won't let you do it. Haven't you noticed?
"Alright, I hear what you're saying, Gibbs, and I appreciate it, I guess, but...well, you see...don't you think that's the problem? You can't be sorry for everything."
"Why not?" He was looking away again.
"Because not everything is about you, Gibbs." Tony said, and it was such a lie. He paused. "Because then none of it makes sense."
"Doesn't have to make sense, DiNozzo."
"Some of it has to."
Gibbs still didn't look up and the two spent a few moments just breathing.
"Shannon and Kelly were there."
So that was it - it had been more than just the relationship of Maddie to his family. Tony looked out over the waves before turning his gaze back to the older man, guessing what it must feel like to be saying that and almost irrationally pleased that Gibbs was telling him the truth.
"Said I had to come back."
"There must have been sense in that," Tony said quietly, carefully.
"Well, it doesn't matter 'cause it hurts too goddam much!"
Gibbs spat out the words and Tony knew a bottom line when he heard one. He chose honesty over discretion.
"That's why I'm here."
Gibbs looked at him strangely.
"Don't really recommend it."
"Gibbs, I'm trying to get you to see another side of things." Tony cocked his head. "Y' know...help you out."
"So you're what, my guardian angel?"
"Maybe, yeah. Definitely."
Tony sensed that whatever he did next would be important. He borrowed a move and stepped in close, placing his lips near the older man's ear.
"Do you really think they'd mind?"
He straightened and looked into Gibbs' eyes, allowing a ghost of a smile to play on his lips.
"You don't have to give them up Gibbs. Just give yourself a chance, that's all."
This time Gibbs looked at him like he'd grown an extra head. He didn't seem to want to understand.
"That come from a movie?"
"No. DiNozzo wisdom."
Gibbs narrowed his eyes.
"When did you get like this?"
"I don't know. Maybe while nobody was looking."
Gibbs was looking now and his eyes were almost bottomless. Tony felt sort of bad for putting that look on his face - the one where it seemed his eyes might start slowly spinning. He didn't know if he could turn anybody's world right-side-up again, but for him the point of no return had finally arrived. If he was wrong, then there was no reason to be here any longer. There would always be more bad guys and other people to try and take them down. Whatever this was with Gibbs though, it was a thing, a singularity, and just like good and evil it felt as old as time. Tony was sick and tired of trying to be the judge of it, he was giving in.
He looked back at Gibbs, who was teetering on the brink of something.
"Gibbs?"
It was barely more than a whisper but the air crackled between them. He took the other man's hands in his, not caring that he might resist.
"It's now or never."
Tony watched the man he loved suffer a single spasm that could have been his whole life. Gibbs' chest shuddered, then his brow furrowed and he shook off Tony's hands. Water sprang into his eyes and was held there by surface tension, glittering even as looked down and away, his expression going dark before he raised his head to look at Tony again.
Tony gathered in the emotions that chased across Gibbs' face - recognition, then hope followed by fear, the look quiet but the thought loud. Gibbs' eyes pleaded with him.
Don't do this to me, Tony. I can't, not again.
"Gibbs I have your six, you know. I've got you."
Gibbs cleared his throat and Tony surprised himself by closing his eyes. The words came, soft and hoarse.
"Then it's now."
Tony started trembling so hard he almost toppled over. He didn't know what he'd expected, he'd been beyond that, running on instinct. Gibbs reached out immediately, drawing him down to safety. He spoke, and he was Gibbs, not the guy who had been about to wall himself off in pity, and it was Gibbs' usual voice Tony was hearing, velvet over broken rocks, familiar, the only voice in the world.
"For God's sake, Tony, c'mere. Guardian angels aren't supposed to pass out."
V. From the Beginning
**********
There might have been things I missed
But don't be unkind, it don't mean I'm blind
Maybe I might have changed
And not been so cruel, not been such a fool
But there it is
You see it's all clear
You were meant to be here
**********
Tony sat shakily on the driftwood next to Gibbs and before he could take another breath they were all over each other. Gibbs was kissing his eyes, the eyelids that had closed in trust, and the hands that had pumped his chest. He kissed his ribcage, which had held the gift of life, and finally his lips, Tony's lips that had pushed the air from his own lungs into Gibbs' body. Tony ran both hands up Gibbs' back and all ten fingers through his hair and he never wanted to let go.
"DiNozzo... "
"Gibbs."
"We're an hour and a half from my house..."
"I know, I know!"
Then he remembered the vehicles and the emergency kits.
"Wait..."
"Don't want to."
"No, I mean go up under those trees. Gimme your keys. I'll be back in a sec!"
Comprehension set in. Gibbs got moving, walking up the dunes, and Tony gave silent thanks for Ducky's medications as he took a deep breath and jogged for the cars.
Gibbs quietly watched as Tony returned with a bag on each shoulder and an armload of stuff.
"So it's officially a campout?"
"For now."
He handed Gibbs one of the go-bags, which were quickly dumped out.
Without another word they made each other naked, ignoring the chill, eyes drinking in all they could as the light faded, then they settled on the ground between the blankets and made love for the first time - kissing, caressing, reaching and touching in the dark, keeping it simple, pressing and sliding together until breath was the only sound and hot white light exploded behind their eyes. Weary and boneless, they kissed and whispered things that wouldn't need to be remembered, and they held one another until warm sleep claimed them.
Epilogue: Open Arms
**********
Lying beside you here in the dark
Feeling your heart next to mine
Softly you whisper, you're so sincere
How could our love be so blind
We sailed on together and drifted apart
Now here you are by my side
**********
"DiNozzo, are you humming?"
"No."
Tony stopped humming and nuzzled Gibbs' ear. Gibbs raised himself on an elbow and smiled contentedly into Tony's eyes, relaxed and serene. Then he lay back again and laced his fingers behind his head, gazing through the branches at the stars. Tony did the same - bright solid points dotted the black canopy above them. Infinity wheeled slowly over their heads.
"So you figured it out."
"Yeah."
He didn't have to ask aloud.
What did you figure out, Jethro?
"Not here just to work at NCIS, not here just to fight crime."
"And?"
"They didn't send me back for Maddie. I couldn't have done it."
No, you couldn't...
"Should have known it then, Tony, the second I opened my eyes on that dock."
Now Tony raised himself on an elbow. His fingertips brushed the skin of Gibbs' chest in a gentle rhythm.
"You know what, Gibbs? It's alright. I still had a little way to travel myself."
"I suppose that's true," Gibbs murmured absently. It was so un-Gibbs-like Tony had to laugh.
"What happened to 'it hurts too much'?"
"Doesn't really hurt too much right now, Tony."
"Let me guess - it hurts just enough."
Gibbs nodded. It was something Tony could understand.
"It's completely okay, Gibbs," he said with a soft smile. "You're here."
He settled into the older man's arms and Gibbs brought his hands together atop Tony's heart.
"I am, Tony. I'm here. For you."
The End.