So it goes
I think I may have stumbled upon my joie de vivre as it were, once again today while walking back from class. Here's why: I was just kinda randomly hit w/something and told myself "I choose joy. Because that's what God would want for me" So far it's made some difference in just my general inner monologue, as part of a slow process to divulge myself of worry and despair, as best as is possible. Basically, trying to keep some sort of realistic optimism, to some degree, even in spite of myself. This being part of my desire to keep pressing on, and doing whatever it takes to keep going, no matter what the cost. Although it may not seem so @ times, I'm generally a fairly driven person, though I usually know when to step back and slow down. This, I suppose, is probably a sorta backhanded positive response to the negativity that's perpetuated w/my extended family, particularly after spending Easter w/malcontented adults that find it ok to put others down at their own expense, as if people can't figure out how to live their lives for themselves. I could complain all day about such things, but that won't get me far anyhow, and it won't make the malcontents any better at treating those they love in a better way. I suppose I may always have some sort of twisted cynical optimism, but that's ok w/me as long as I can have fun & enjoy myself in the process. It's becoming a part of the process of being able to risk, both figuratively and perhaps as well physically, falling flat on your face and just getting up being able to look back and appreciate it for what it is. Even if it is like last night when a bunch of us here went to Tom Jones, only to find that we came on the night of 'annual repairs and maintenance'. Now of course that really stinks a lot, but some went back to EU and the rest of us went into S. Philly to Pat's and the place they call the pretzel factory- even tho that isn't the official name of their business. Then we drove back and I smoked the last of my cigarillos, even tho I know those ain't good for ya, since I could take or leave doin' that either way, as a better alternative to letting myself be addicted to smoking. Besides, I appreciate my great lung capacity which allows me to hold my breath to upwards of a minute and a half, as much as I enjoy blowing smoke. So in closing, please help me stick to my semi-resolution to choose joy over self-deprecation and otherwise underestimating myself to a large degree.