When will it end...
See my icon? I basically looked like that today.
I was depressed last night. Once again, Pat and I were talking. This time, it got a little deep, then I voiced my depression and he logged off. I felt terrible. I know he shouldn't matter, but it did. I fell asleep on the couch in my t-shirt and jeans because I didn't want to go upstairs and/or change.
(By the way, I did a meme on Facebook. Name something you love about your 5 newest friends. One guy, Scott, deleted me as a friend because I creeped him out. All I said was that he was cute and actually got work done in class. Wtf? That didn't help any. I know I'm socially awkward, but it was a damn compliment! Jeeze!)
Then I woke up today feeling shittier than before. Went to school, didn't let mom see that I was depressed. School was a disaster. I cried in every period. I IM'd Elizabeth and played wall tag with Dorothy on Facebook. It cheered me up slightly, but not that much.
Austin asked me how I was when he came back into class to do something with his computer. I wonder, slightly, if he came back just to see me. On his way out after fitzing with the computer, he sat on the edge of my table and asked if I was okay, because Lindsay (the girl who sits next to me) said I was crying. I started crying again when I tried to tell him what was wrong.
Mrs. B and Mrs. K are both concerned. They say I can come to them whenever. I'm flattered, but terrified that they will tell my parents (or tell someone who will tell my parents) about today. My parent's don't need to know. Not yet. If this lasts longer, I'll inform them, but usually my depression dissolves after a day. I'm hoping that's the case.
Why am I depressed, you might be wondering? Well, just everything. I feel like a failure. I feel that I'm not progressing in school, I feel I'm not loved by my family, I feel like I'm not a reliable friend. I feel that I'm helpless in helping my friends through their problems. I feel that I'm never going to accomplish anything. Not high school, not a career, not a relationship... Nothing. I feel that I get in the way with things. I feel weak.
The only reason I'm still alive is because I don't want to hurt anyone. My parents and friends would ask, "why?" every day for the rest of their lives. I've seen the effects of suicide; it's not pleasant. I'm not going to purposely hurt the people I love. I care too damn much, and now it's killing me.
I feel a little better now than I did earlier. Let's see if it lasts.
The skin under my eyes is red and raw. I don't think Mom noticed. Or if she did, she didn't care.
I was depressed last night. Once again, Pat and I were talking. This time, it got a little deep, then I voiced my depression and he logged off. I felt terrible. I know he shouldn't matter, but it did. I fell asleep on the couch in my t-shirt and jeans because I didn't want to go upstairs and/or change.
(By the way, I did a meme on Facebook. Name something you love about your 5 newest friends. One guy, Scott, deleted me as a friend because I creeped him out. All I said was that he was cute and actually got work done in class. Wtf? That didn't help any. I know I'm socially awkward, but it was a damn compliment! Jeeze!)
Then I woke up today feeling shittier than before. Went to school, didn't let mom see that I was depressed. School was a disaster. I cried in every period. I IM'd Elizabeth and played wall tag with Dorothy on Facebook. It cheered me up slightly, but not that much.
Austin asked me how I was when he came back into class to do something with his computer. I wonder, slightly, if he came back just to see me. On his way out after fitzing with the computer, he sat on the edge of my table and asked if I was okay, because Lindsay (the girl who sits next to me) said I was crying. I started crying again when I tried to tell him what was wrong.
Mrs. B and Mrs. K are both concerned. They say I can come to them whenever. I'm flattered, but terrified that they will tell my parents (or tell someone who will tell my parents) about today. My parent's don't need to know. Not yet. If this lasts longer, I'll inform them, but usually my depression dissolves after a day. I'm hoping that's the case.
Why am I depressed, you might be wondering? Well, just everything. I feel like a failure. I feel that I'm not progressing in school, I feel I'm not loved by my family, I feel like I'm not a reliable friend. I feel that I'm helpless in helping my friends through their problems. I feel that I'm never going to accomplish anything. Not high school, not a career, not a relationship... Nothing. I feel that I get in the way with things. I feel weak.
The only reason I'm still alive is because I don't want to hurt anyone. My parents and friends would ask, "why?" every day for the rest of their lives. I've seen the effects of suicide; it's not pleasant. I'm not going to purposely hurt the people I love. I care too damn much, and now it's killing me.
I feel a little better now than I did earlier. Let's see if it lasts.
The skin under my eyes is red and raw. I don't think Mom noticed. Or if she did, she didn't care.