paulaztnew
in
cabfic
I'm Lost And I'll Never Be Found (Oneshot)
Title: I'm Lost And I'll Never Be Found
Author: paulaztnew
Pairing: Alex/Cash
POV: Third
Summary: Dear Cash Colligan,
Author Notes: At the end.
Dear Cash Colligan,
Words, words, words. There are so many of them yet none off them describe everything going on inside my mind and heart. I could ramble on and on about pointless things, starting with the word love and ending with a story about an adventure we had last summer, but we'd still be stuck at the starting line. Moving from step one to step two isn't going to take a couple of tries, so lets see how this goes. Crush. A common word when describing ones feeling about someone. And it was just that, a crush. Something simple and completely uncomplicated. Friends. The words everyone hates when it comes after 'crush'. 'Friends' is a permanent place for you, but it isn't for me. It would make everything I do so much simpler if I could revert 'crush' to 'friends', but I can't. My mind refuses me that privilege. So I stay stuck in this state of hate and want. Hate. I hate you. I really do. You complain about everything yet you bring it on yourself. No one told you that you needed to do that much, and it's not even like it's that much, you're just a lazy asshole. If I had any courage, I would tell you to shut it and shape up, but for some reason that thought of loosing you is tragic to me. A blow to me mental state. You never text me back and I'm pretty sure if we went to different schools I would be a faded memory by now. Want. What a loaded word. There are so many things I want for you, from you. I want you to be happy. I do. I just wish you could be happy with me. What would be so different then being with any girl? You can't tell me all that time we spent/spend together wouldn't have been better with my hand in yours. Maybe I'm just delusional and I imagined that all that time spent with my mom’s camera taking the most ridiculous pictures in your room. Maybe I didn't cry over lost causes when I got home. Maybe...but I'm so sure of it. I know it happened. I was there. You were there. Remember when I bought beef jerky and you thought I was the coolest for it? Then we sat on the curb and just watched cars go buy while I ate, you had your huge dollar soda of course. There I go, rambling like I said I would. I think the obvious want is you yourself. I don't even understand why, though. I hate you. I want to scream at you for everything you say and do, but when I sit with you I can't help but wonder what your lips would feel like on mine. And for that thought I have to mentally slap myself for being so stupid. I have to yell at myself in my head because it seams I just can't get the picture. YOU DON'T LIKE ME. At least you don’t anymore. You said you did once, but then that dreaded friend zone came into the picture and I wasn't, well, still am refusing to grasp that concept. Even if I could my mind could, it would only be for one day, because then my mind would revert back into the habit of imagining your arms around me before I go to sleep. I think I may hate myself more then I hate you, if that's possible. I hate myself for acting this way and keeping it locked safely in my head. I'll probably end up with a tumor one day, but you'll be to busy with other people to notice. You'll knock up some girl and have to marry her and I'll be right next to you clapping, mentally shooting myself in the head. I'll find someone...maybe, but for now I'll dwell on things in the end I will more then likely not want. Wow, I've gone through a whole letter with out secretly referencing lyrics or some inside joke that you would get if you sat on youtube for hours. I'm not really sure how to end this, since I'm not going to send it to you or anything. I actually hope this doesn't come into your peripheral vision, nonetheless you actually read it. I don't know if a bye will suffice but I've seam to run out of steam, so, I'll see you tomorrow morning and we'll act like those fight we have and anger built up doesn't exist.
Better never then ever,
Alex Deleon.
Alex finishes the letter and leaved it on his desk. Eventually it gets lots in the clutter and ends up on the floor, rotting in the room while he goes off living life. Feeling those feelings with no reciprocation. Eventually Cash does knock up some random girl and ended up marrying her because it was 'the right thing to do' even though Cash had to ask the girl her name for a couple weeks after she told him she was pregnant. Alex was there for it all. The wedding (being the best man) and for the birth (watching Cash pace in the waiting room, because even though Cash didn't really like the chick, the thing inside of her is his baby). Eventually Alex found a girl that was decent and he didn't mind spending time with so he decided to move in with her. He asked Cash to come help get all his stuff from his old room. While Alex was finding something in the kitchen for Alicia (Cash's daughter) something to eat Cash stumbled across this letter. He sat there and read it, and read it, and read it again. He noticed the date was their senior year of high school. Cash heard Alicia's laughter and footsteps coming up the stairs. He wipes his eyes, folds up the letter, and then pushes it in his back pocket before Alex can see, and thinks it's the tragic how two pieces of a broken heart find each other at the wrong time.
Writers Note
So, I wrote a letter to someone a while ago.
And decided not to let my words go to waste.
So I changed it a bit slapped some names on it.
Here is the original.
There is a sequel to this I'm almost done with but I don't know if I'll post it.
Author: paulaztnew
Pairing: Alex/Cash
POV: Third
Summary: Dear Cash Colligan,
Author Notes: At the end.
Dear Cash Colligan,
Words, words, words. There are so many of them yet none off them describe everything going on inside my mind and heart. I could ramble on and on about pointless things, starting with the word love and ending with a story about an adventure we had last summer, but we'd still be stuck at the starting line. Moving from step one to step two isn't going to take a couple of tries, so lets see how this goes. Crush. A common word when describing ones feeling about someone. And it was just that, a crush. Something simple and completely uncomplicated. Friends. The words everyone hates when it comes after 'crush'. 'Friends' is a permanent place for you, but it isn't for me. It would make everything I do so much simpler if I could revert 'crush' to 'friends', but I can't. My mind refuses me that privilege. So I stay stuck in this state of hate and want. Hate. I hate you. I really do. You complain about everything yet you bring it on yourself. No one told you that you needed to do that much, and it's not even like it's that much, you're just a lazy asshole. If I had any courage, I would tell you to shut it and shape up, but for some reason that thought of loosing you is tragic to me. A blow to me mental state. You never text me back and I'm pretty sure if we went to different schools I would be a faded memory by now. Want. What a loaded word. There are so many things I want for you, from you. I want you to be happy. I do. I just wish you could be happy with me. What would be so different then being with any girl? You can't tell me all that time we spent/spend together wouldn't have been better with my hand in yours. Maybe I'm just delusional and I imagined that all that time spent with my mom’s camera taking the most ridiculous pictures in your room. Maybe I didn't cry over lost causes when I got home. Maybe...but I'm so sure of it. I know it happened. I was there. You were there. Remember when I bought beef jerky and you thought I was the coolest for it? Then we sat on the curb and just watched cars go buy while I ate, you had your huge dollar soda of course. There I go, rambling like I said I would. I think the obvious want is you yourself. I don't even understand why, though. I hate you. I want to scream at you for everything you say and do, but when I sit with you I can't help but wonder what your lips would feel like on mine. And for that thought I have to mentally slap myself for being so stupid. I have to yell at myself in my head because it seams I just can't get the picture. YOU DON'T LIKE ME. At least you don’t anymore. You said you did once, but then that dreaded friend zone came into the picture and I wasn't, well, still am refusing to grasp that concept. Even if I could my mind could, it would only be for one day, because then my mind would revert back into the habit of imagining your arms around me before I go to sleep. I think I may hate myself more then I hate you, if that's possible. I hate myself for acting this way and keeping it locked safely in my head. I'll probably end up with a tumor one day, but you'll be to busy with other people to notice. You'll knock up some girl and have to marry her and I'll be right next to you clapping, mentally shooting myself in the head. I'll find someone...maybe, but for now I'll dwell on things in the end I will more then likely not want. Wow, I've gone through a whole letter with out secretly referencing lyrics or some inside joke that you would get if you sat on youtube for hours. I'm not really sure how to end this, since I'm not going to send it to you or anything. I actually hope this doesn't come into your peripheral vision, nonetheless you actually read it. I don't know if a bye will suffice but I've seam to run out of steam, so, I'll see you tomorrow morning and we'll act like those fight we have and anger built up doesn't exist.
Better never then ever,
Alex Deleon.
Alex finishes the letter and leaved it on his desk. Eventually it gets lots in the clutter and ends up on the floor, rotting in the room while he goes off living life. Feeling those feelings with no reciprocation. Eventually Cash does knock up some random girl and ended up marrying her because it was 'the right thing to do' even though Cash had to ask the girl her name for a couple weeks after she told him she was pregnant. Alex was there for it all. The wedding (being the best man) and for the birth (watching Cash pace in the waiting room, because even though Cash didn't really like the chick, the thing inside of her is his baby). Eventually Alex found a girl that was decent and he didn't mind spending time with so he decided to move in with her. He asked Cash to come help get all his stuff from his old room. While Alex was finding something in the kitchen for Alicia (Cash's daughter) something to eat Cash stumbled across this letter. He sat there and read it, and read it, and read it again. He noticed the date was their senior year of high school. Cash heard Alicia's laughter and footsteps coming up the stairs. He wipes his eyes, folds up the letter, and then pushes it in his back pocket before Alex can see, and thinks it's the tragic how two pieces of a broken heart find each other at the wrong time.
Writers Note
So, I wrote a letter to someone a while ago.
And decided not to let my words go to waste.
So I changed it a bit slapped some names on it.
Here is the original.
There is a sequel to this I'm almost done with but I don't know if I'll post it.