"Well, Jimmy played harmonica in the pub where I was born..."
It's been an emotionally draining week. An emotionally draining couple of weeks, to be honest. Since my 21st, things haven't been quite right in that thick skull of mine.
I know I promised y'all a decent emo post, but I really don't feel like going much into specifics. I'll just say that sometimes I just ain't all that good at this life thing. Sometimes I'm really not a nice person. I can be moody, selfish, sensitive to the point of being ridiculous, possessive, critical, competitive, and just generally emotionally retarded. In other words I'm human, and, yes, believe it or not, there are times when I don't particularly like the little ball of cells and blood and bone and organs that I am.
Yet, the good news is that I'm growing through all of this. I'm wising up, and coming up with insights that the Erin of a few years ago would have laughed off and dismissed as poppycock, cos surely no civilised and intelligent and cultured human being such as herself needed to hear such things. A lot of it is stuff my poor mother has been trying to tell me for years...and one of these days I will tell her just how beautiful her words really were, even though they weren't what I wanted to hear at the time.
The unswerving loyalty of my friends continues to leave me flabbergasted. I told buzzy_bee_nz the other day at Strawberry Fare how scared I was that I'd end up pushing all my friends away...and she looked at me straight and told me that I would never, ever push her away. My friend Heidi, who I swear is one of the most magical people I've ever had the privilege of meeting, left to go back to the USA on Sunday, and her parting words to me were, "you have been a light and an angel in my life." Well, if anything she's been the one that's been the light and the angel in so many lives...and somehow, in all my my sulkiness and negativity, I was somehow able to bring joy to her heart as well. How the mind boggles...
How people have managed to be so patient and understanding is beyond me. If I'd gotten stuck with me, I'd have kicked me to the pavement, and jammed something hot between my hind legs, before fleeing in the opposite direction long ago. Yeah.
God has continued to touch me this whole time, even though I keep metaphorically hurling huge concrete blocks down between us two, and He is always reminding me of His constant faithfulness and love. The whole of last week, I found myself standing at the counter at work, and remembering a verse or two, and getting a lyric of a song that reminds me of Him stuck in my head, and struggling not to melt down completely, when I realised how near He really is. He spoke to me through The Fear by The Feelers the other day. I know I said a few posts back that I don't like their new stuff as much, but my God always manages to get through to me through the most mediocre of Top 40 music.
I've let things swamp me lately, I've given in to depression, I've let things get under my skin, and more
often than not I've let them sink too deep into my flesh to be extracted. This time, I'm determined for me and God to battle this one out together. Not sure how long I'll be feeling this upbeat for, it's highly likely I'll crash again in a few days, and there'll be yet more emo posts, and I'm not sure how much more you guys can stomach. But it's looking good for now, and that gives me hope.
Although, I do have a tricky self-esteem-ish question for those who know me in real life...but I might refrain from asking, cos I'm afraid of the answer. Meh, who really cares?
Expect a rather involved poem at some stage. Actually, I haven't posted anything vaguely artistic on here for a while. Might have to rectify that. Saw Bill Manhire (the Bill Manhire...he was a lot slicker and more stylish that I was expecting...)do a reading of his work at the Art Gallery the other day, which had me all fired-up and inspired and poetic-like...but so far it's been only my inner-monologue that's been churning anything out, as is usually the way with me.
Tomorrow, I will actually do stuff. I mean, yeah, I've been working heaps lately and socialising a bit on the side, but parts of my life are slowly falling into disrepair. Tomorrow, I will shave my legs, continue with my thank you cards from my birthday, keep putting my birthday cards in my memory scrap book, have a wee browse on flatfinder.com, send pestering emails to the English department, maybe even go to the gym for the first time in weeks, maybe read some poetry and do a bit my own idle scribbling, finish the second Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants book that lemurkat has so generously donated...mundane stuff, yes, but it'll give me a slight sense of well-being none the less. Yes.
I seriously need to think about what I'm doing with my future. Like I'm not thinking hard enough, but I do need to make some kind of decision fairly soon. Just pick something and run with it.
Hibernophile moment of the day: would like to encourage you all to give The Pogues a wee listen. They are a brilliant band, and for all the swearing, and drunken slurring, and whiskey references, and slagging Oliver Cromwell, and Shane McGowan's shaven teeth, their compositions and lyrics are quite stunning, and always manage to reduce me to a quivering ball of tears and jelly...green jelly, of course. :P A lot of their songs are staunchly pro-republican and nationalist, and it's ironic I enjoy them so much, seeing as I'm Orange through and through...but hey, we're all Irish at the end of the day!
Signing off now, washing to be done, and sheets that need changing, I'm sure you'll understand. Feeling kinda green-around-the-gills again, reckon a trip to the doc hovers on the not too distant horizon...
You were only waiting for this moment to be free...
I know I promised y'all a decent emo post, but I really don't feel like going much into specifics. I'll just say that sometimes I just ain't all that good at this life thing. Sometimes I'm really not a nice person. I can be moody, selfish, sensitive to the point of being ridiculous, possessive, critical, competitive, and just generally emotionally retarded. In other words I'm human, and, yes, believe it or not, there are times when I don't particularly like the little ball of cells and blood and bone and organs that I am.
Yet, the good news is that I'm growing through all of this. I'm wising up, and coming up with insights that the Erin of a few years ago would have laughed off and dismissed as poppycock, cos surely no civilised and intelligent and cultured human being such as herself needed to hear such things. A lot of it is stuff my poor mother has been trying to tell me for years...and one of these days I will tell her just how beautiful her words really were, even though they weren't what I wanted to hear at the time.
The unswerving loyalty of my friends continues to leave me flabbergasted. I told buzzy_bee_nz the other day at Strawberry Fare how scared I was that I'd end up pushing all my friends away...and she looked at me straight and told me that I would never, ever push her away. My friend Heidi, who I swear is one of the most magical people I've ever had the privilege of meeting, left to go back to the USA on Sunday, and her parting words to me were, "you have been a light and an angel in my life." Well, if anything she's been the one that's been the light and the angel in so many lives...and somehow, in all my my sulkiness and negativity, I was somehow able to bring joy to her heart as well. How the mind boggles...
How people have managed to be so patient and understanding is beyond me. If I'd gotten stuck with me, I'd have kicked me to the pavement, and jammed something hot between my hind legs, before fleeing in the opposite direction long ago. Yeah.
God has continued to touch me this whole time, even though I keep metaphorically hurling huge concrete blocks down between us two, and He is always reminding me of His constant faithfulness and love. The whole of last week, I found myself standing at the counter at work, and remembering a verse or two, and getting a lyric of a song that reminds me of Him stuck in my head, and struggling not to melt down completely, when I realised how near He really is. He spoke to me through The Fear by The Feelers the other day. I know I said a few posts back that I don't like their new stuff as much, but my God always manages to get through to me through the most mediocre of Top 40 music.
I've let things swamp me lately, I've given in to depression, I've let things get under my skin, and more
often than not I've let them sink too deep into my flesh to be extracted. This time, I'm determined for me and God to battle this one out together. Not sure how long I'll be feeling this upbeat for, it's highly likely I'll crash again in a few days, and there'll be yet more emo posts, and I'm not sure how much more you guys can stomach. But it's looking good for now, and that gives me hope.
Although, I do have a tricky self-esteem-ish question for those who know me in real life...but I might refrain from asking, cos I'm afraid of the answer. Meh, who really cares?
Expect a rather involved poem at some stage. Actually, I haven't posted anything vaguely artistic on here for a while. Might have to rectify that. Saw Bill Manhire (the Bill Manhire...he was a lot slicker and more stylish that I was expecting...)do a reading of his work at the Art Gallery the other day, which had me all fired-up and inspired and poetic-like...but so far it's been only my inner-monologue that's been churning anything out, as is usually the way with me.
Tomorrow, I will actually do stuff. I mean, yeah, I've been working heaps lately and socialising a bit on the side, but parts of my life are slowly falling into disrepair. Tomorrow, I will shave my legs, continue with my thank you cards from my birthday, keep putting my birthday cards in my memory scrap book, have a wee browse on flatfinder.com, send pestering emails to the English department, maybe even go to the gym for the first time in weeks, maybe read some poetry and do a bit my own idle scribbling, finish the second Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants book that lemurkat has so generously donated...mundane stuff, yes, but it'll give me a slight sense of well-being none the less. Yes.
I seriously need to think about what I'm doing with my future. Like I'm not thinking hard enough, but I do need to make some kind of decision fairly soon. Just pick something and run with it.
Hibernophile moment of the day: would like to encourage you all to give The Pogues a wee listen. They are a brilliant band, and for all the swearing, and drunken slurring, and whiskey references, and slagging Oliver Cromwell, and Shane McGowan's shaven teeth, their compositions and lyrics are quite stunning, and always manage to reduce me to a quivering ball of tears and jelly...green jelly, of course. :P A lot of their songs are staunchly pro-republican and nationalist, and it's ironic I enjoy them so much, seeing as I'm Orange through and through...but hey, we're all Irish at the end of the day!
Signing off now, washing to be done, and sheets that need changing, I'm sure you'll understand. Feeling kinda green-around-the-gills again, reckon a trip to the doc hovers on the not too distant horizon...
You were only waiting for this moment to be free...