(no subject)
this morning was beautiful, did anyone take time to notice? i did. my day was good til around 12, doesn't matter anymore. did anyone notice i didnt update after i studied last night? cause i didnt stop studying. i stopped to shower, thats it. i tried so hard. i failed miserably though. i've come to notice i do alot of that lately. im sure i will disappoint my mom, she'll accuse me of not trying... and i will fail--once again. i fail to make my mom happy, i hate that. i cant stand it.
i dont talk to people about my problems, i cant. i cant bring myself to do it. i think i need therapy again, seriously. i cant tell my mom that though, we cant afford things like that. unnecessary things that i dont need. my mom will say that i have friends and such, and i should talk to them. i cant. i dont know why. i just cant. i dont want to. i dont need to, really.
this week has been really hard. not school and stuff... just... hard, in general. i go to the hospital tomorrow, in hopes to find out what's wrong with my heart. or.. to have a bunch of doctors tell me they still dont know whats going on--which is most likely to happen.
im so stressed out, i just want to cry. i want to cry and never stop.
i go to work tonight, and im sure im going to cry there, too. i will get ridiculed and everything for it too, im sure. that's why i dont cry. not infront of anyone, anyways. i hate crying. i want to just be quiet for a while. i dont know why, i just have the need to be quiet. i dont want to go to school. i dont want to do anything.
it pains me to know that tomorrow i have to go back.
PS im really sorry if i have ever disappointed any of you. disappointed you in my actions, in my words, in my promises, in anything. just know that i am sorry, please.