Glee rpf| Like primal music (7/9)
“The thing is you’ve got to set yourself out, Colfer!”
Mark, Ashley’s friend and colleague at the café, looks straight at him and Chris blinks before glaring at Ashley who’s currently snorting behind her bottle of water on the other end of the bench.
“What? He has a point, Chris!”
When he had thought to bring them lunch during their break, he didn’t imagine this; talking about those obnoxious girl who comes to the shop every Thursday morning with her poor excuse for a dog or Mark’s latest conquest maybe but definitely not this.
“Look, I appreciate your concern, but…”
Mark leans forward and grabs Chris’ shoulder squeezing slightly.
“No buts, man! Alright you like this Darren guy, but he is straight, right?”
Chris swallows, every cell of his body wishes he could deny it, but Darren’s hands around that girl’s waist keep flashing in his mind. He lowers his gaze and nods.
“See? There’s no reason to prevent yourself from finding someone who’s right for you, who can like you back and love you as you deserve!”
Chris lifts his gaze and looks at him; it’s the first time Mark shows that he cares for him and the first time Chris has heard him talking so openly about love.
He casts a quick glance at Ashley and finds that she is looking at Mark too, a small smile on her lips.
“What are you staring at? Can’t a guy show a bit of his romantic side?”
Chris chuckles and tilts his head back to look at the sky clear over their heads. Deep down he knows Mark is right; back in Clovis he used to think that everything would begin once he had arrived in New York, he used to think he would learn what love meant when he was finally out of that place.
And this thing he feels for Darren, so strong and bone deep, he can’t allow himself to think it is love or he will sacrifice all those years spent dreaming in exchange for nothing more than a pipe dream.
When he lowers his gaze again there are bright dots dancing around in front of his eyes and Ashley and Mark are looking at him.
“Alright, what do you think I should do to get over him?”
*
To Darren:
I’m going to sleep over at Ashley’s. See you tomorrow :)
From Darren:
No problem! See you tomorrow!
---
Darren flops down on the bed. It feels weird to be alone in their room; usually Chris is the one who stays in and is always there when Darren comes back. He knows it’s silly but he can’t help feeling a bit guilty at the thought of Chris spending the night here with his writing as only company.
He lets his gaze slide over Chris’ side of the room, his notebooks neatly stacked in a pile on the desk, photos of his family on his nightstand beside the book he is currently reading. They are simple objects, and yet they seem to have more weight, more meaning, more light. Like Chris is so much more than the people surrounding him.
It has been a while since Darren wrote a song, covers work better for gigs and he needs a lot of inspiration to start working on something new. Right now, surrounded by Chris’ things, as his feelings for Chris glow and pulse inside of him, Darren knows that he has to try and put it into words, into notes, so that the world could never forget, so that he could have something to lull his confused heart to sleep at night.
You're a diamond that I'm afraid to touch,
You're damn near flawless and I'm sure you'd cut on my eyes,
my hands, my head, my heart
You'd tear this canvas skin apart
It pours out of him effortlessly, leaving him shaking, his skin threatening to crack under the pressure of what he keeps trying to lock inside.
He falls asleep with his fingers clenching the sheets and his heart stuttering along some unknown rhythm.
*
The following morning he wakes up as Chris enters the room, a bright smile on his beautiful face and a cup of coffee in his hand.
“Good morning, sleepyhead! Get up it’s a beautiful day!”
Darren is positively sure he hasn’t seen Chris so cheerful since the end of Christmas break. He looks even more stunning than usual, his eyes glinting and his nose scrunching up as he smiles.
For an instant Darren wishes he had been the one to put that smile on his face.
---
Chris feels as though he was born again.
It’s hard, but he is really trying to think of Darren as his best friend and nothing more. More often than not he manages (definitely also thanks to Mark- I swear if I see you with that mopey expression again I’ll punch it off your face- and Ashley- you’re hot, baby, how can’t you see it? Look, the cute cashier has spent the last half hour checking out your ass, I saw him!) and it feels so good, as though he is lighter and breathing is easier.
Every time Ashley manages to drag him out to some pub or the other, she patiently points all the guys who are throwing interested glances in his directions until Chris manages to notice on his own.
Even though it’s still Darren who holds him in his dreams, when he is awake Chris feels as though he is learning to deal with it all.
---
“Look, Dare, I don’t know what you’re pining about but this has to end! I don’t recognize you!”
Darren sighs, gripping his beer a bit tighter. They are sitting in Naya’s living room, just a quiet night to catch up and watch crappy movies.
“So what’s up with you?”
Darren shrugs, his eyes focused on his ruined Converse.
“It’s…nothing, really. Maybe I’m just stressed. ”
The cushions shift as Naya scoots closer.
“Well, I know the perfect cure for that!”
*
The party Naya drags him at is noisy and packed with people.
Darren wishes he could be with Chris in their room, sharing stupid jokes and smiling at each other, wondering if there could be any hidden meaning behind every word and every gaze.
He is about to slip away when Naya grabs him and pushes him right against a little brunette.
“This is Alice. She has heard you sing a couple of times and she wanted to meet you.”
She winks at him before going off God knows where.
Darren shifts his weight from one foot to the other. Alice is pretty, short brown her and big eyes, she smiles at him and Darren hopes with all his being that this could help him for real.
*
When Alice soft lips are wrapped around his cock, Darren doesn’t feel the heat that usually floods him when a girl goes down on her knees for him.
Despite how good it feels, that spark isn’t there and Darren knows all too well why. She doesn’t have strong hands and clear eyes, she isn’t witty and beautiful and perfect, she isn’t Chris.
The mere thought of him, of his full lips, of his pale skin, sends electricity sparking along his nerves.
When he comes he bites hard on his lower lip to keep himself from shouting Chris’ name.
---
Chris is still awake when Darren comes back, stumbling through the door. His cheeks are flushed and his hair messier than usual.
Something burns behind Chris’ sternum; he knows all too well that it’s jealousy and that he isn’t supposed to feel like this.
It doesn’t change the fact that he does.
*
If there’s a way to erase the words you wrote on me, I’ll find it. I’ll erase them and I’ll be new. I will be free from the glass prison that being in love in you is.
*
Chris knows what he has to do.
“Hey, Dare.”
Darren lifts his gaze from the music sheets he was working on, his eyes wide.
“C-Chris!”
“Did I interrupt you?”
Darren shakes his head and quickly collects the sheets and throws them into his desk drawer.
“Working on a new piece? I’d love to hear it, you know that.”
Darren shifts on his chair and Chris wonders why he looks so uncomfortable seeing that usually he is so happy to hear his opinion.
“It’s…um…only an experiment.”
“Okay…”
Chris passes a hand through his hair; he wishes he could read Darren’s mind, it would make everything so much easier.
“So, did you want to tell me something?”
Chris knows all too well that going to a party probably won’t change things, but he wants to try; he needs to prove to himself that he can spend time with other people, that he can be attracted to people other than Darren.
“I…yeah, I was thinking of coming to Joey’s party on Friday if it’s not a problem?”
---
Darren’s heart is still beating wildly at the thought of Chris reading the lyrics to his new song and it takes a while for him to register what Chris has just said.
“Wait, what?”
Chris looks at him with his brows furrowed.
“Is it so weird for me to want to go to a party?”
“What? Of course not! You caught me by surprise; I mean you usually don’t like going to parties and...”
Chris chuckles and something warm spreads through Darren at the sound.
“Your babbling always amazes me, Dare!”
Darren grins.
“Anyway, of course there’s no problem! I’m glad that you’re coming!”
They look at each other in silence; Darren simply can’t tear his gaze away from Chris eyes, deep and bright, cutting through him like a knife.
It’s Chris who diverts his gaze first; Darren feels as though someone has just shoved him.
“O-okay, then. I’m… off to study at the library, then.”
Darren nods and barely manages to answer with a “See you later.”
All he can think about is how a party could be a perfect occasion to finally tell Chris how he feels. He knows he is a coward to think that alcohol might help, but he knows that he has kept his feelings buried for too long and he needs an extra push to let them out.
He knows it’s going to put the most precious friendship he has ever had on the line, but he can’t believe he has misinterpreted the way Chris looks at him sometimes, this weird energy that seems to connect them.
He retrieves his music sheets and his guitar as he pours every ounce of hope and love and desire in his newborn song.
A million years go by and you’re still around.
You’re knocking us off our feet,
You’re knocking us down.
But we still can’t leave you alone.
The way you move, one would be prone
To want to be turned into stone by you.
In that moment he knows he would give up everything if it meant being able to be with Chris, to give him his heart and hold his like the treasure it is.
Part 8
Mark, Ashley’s friend and colleague at the café, looks straight at him and Chris blinks before glaring at Ashley who’s currently snorting behind her bottle of water on the other end of the bench.
“What? He has a point, Chris!”
When he had thought to bring them lunch during their break, he didn’t imagine this; talking about those obnoxious girl who comes to the shop every Thursday morning with her poor excuse for a dog or Mark’s latest conquest maybe but definitely not this.
“Look, I appreciate your concern, but…”
Mark leans forward and grabs Chris’ shoulder squeezing slightly.
“No buts, man! Alright you like this Darren guy, but he is straight, right?”
Chris swallows, every cell of his body wishes he could deny it, but Darren’s hands around that girl’s waist keep flashing in his mind. He lowers his gaze and nods.
“See? There’s no reason to prevent yourself from finding someone who’s right for you, who can like you back and love you as you deserve!”
Chris lifts his gaze and looks at him; it’s the first time Mark shows that he cares for him and the first time Chris has heard him talking so openly about love.
He casts a quick glance at Ashley and finds that she is looking at Mark too, a small smile on her lips.
“What are you staring at? Can’t a guy show a bit of his romantic side?”
Chris chuckles and tilts his head back to look at the sky clear over their heads. Deep down he knows Mark is right; back in Clovis he used to think that everything would begin once he had arrived in New York, he used to think he would learn what love meant when he was finally out of that place.
And this thing he feels for Darren, so strong and bone deep, he can’t allow himself to think it is love or he will sacrifice all those years spent dreaming in exchange for nothing more than a pipe dream.
When he lowers his gaze again there are bright dots dancing around in front of his eyes and Ashley and Mark are looking at him.
“Alright, what do you think I should do to get over him?”
*
To Darren:
I’m going to sleep over at Ashley’s. See you tomorrow :)
From Darren:
No problem! See you tomorrow!
---
Darren flops down on the bed. It feels weird to be alone in their room; usually Chris is the one who stays in and is always there when Darren comes back. He knows it’s silly but he can’t help feeling a bit guilty at the thought of Chris spending the night here with his writing as only company.
He lets his gaze slide over Chris’ side of the room, his notebooks neatly stacked in a pile on the desk, photos of his family on his nightstand beside the book he is currently reading. They are simple objects, and yet they seem to have more weight, more meaning, more light. Like Chris is so much more than the people surrounding him.
It has been a while since Darren wrote a song, covers work better for gigs and he needs a lot of inspiration to start working on something new. Right now, surrounded by Chris’ things, as his feelings for Chris glow and pulse inside of him, Darren knows that he has to try and put it into words, into notes, so that the world could never forget, so that he could have something to lull his confused heart to sleep at night.
You're a diamond that I'm afraid to touch,
You're damn near flawless and I'm sure you'd cut on my eyes,
my hands, my head, my heart
You'd tear this canvas skin apart
It pours out of him effortlessly, leaving him shaking, his skin threatening to crack under the pressure of what he keeps trying to lock inside.
He falls asleep with his fingers clenching the sheets and his heart stuttering along some unknown rhythm.
*
The following morning he wakes up as Chris enters the room, a bright smile on his beautiful face and a cup of coffee in his hand.
“Good morning, sleepyhead! Get up it’s a beautiful day!”
Darren is positively sure he hasn’t seen Chris so cheerful since the end of Christmas break. He looks even more stunning than usual, his eyes glinting and his nose scrunching up as he smiles.
For an instant Darren wishes he had been the one to put that smile on his face.
---
Chris feels as though he was born again.
It’s hard, but he is really trying to think of Darren as his best friend and nothing more. More often than not he manages (definitely also thanks to Mark- I swear if I see you with that mopey expression again I’ll punch it off your face- and Ashley- you’re hot, baby, how can’t you see it? Look, the cute cashier has spent the last half hour checking out your ass, I saw him!) and it feels so good, as though he is lighter and breathing is easier.
Every time Ashley manages to drag him out to some pub or the other, she patiently points all the guys who are throwing interested glances in his directions until Chris manages to notice on his own.
Even though it’s still Darren who holds him in his dreams, when he is awake Chris feels as though he is learning to deal with it all.
---
“Look, Dare, I don’t know what you’re pining about but this has to end! I don’t recognize you!”
Darren sighs, gripping his beer a bit tighter. They are sitting in Naya’s living room, just a quiet night to catch up and watch crappy movies.
“So what’s up with you?”
Darren shrugs, his eyes focused on his ruined Converse.
“It’s…nothing, really. Maybe I’m just stressed. ”
The cushions shift as Naya scoots closer.
“Well, I know the perfect cure for that!”
*
The party Naya drags him at is noisy and packed with people.
Darren wishes he could be with Chris in their room, sharing stupid jokes and smiling at each other, wondering if there could be any hidden meaning behind every word and every gaze.
He is about to slip away when Naya grabs him and pushes him right against a little brunette.
“This is Alice. She has heard you sing a couple of times and she wanted to meet you.”
She winks at him before going off God knows where.
Darren shifts his weight from one foot to the other. Alice is pretty, short brown her and big eyes, she smiles at him and Darren hopes with all his being that this could help him for real.
*
When Alice soft lips are wrapped around his cock, Darren doesn’t feel the heat that usually floods him when a girl goes down on her knees for him.
Despite how good it feels, that spark isn’t there and Darren knows all too well why. She doesn’t have strong hands and clear eyes, she isn’t witty and beautiful and perfect, she isn’t Chris.
The mere thought of him, of his full lips, of his pale skin, sends electricity sparking along his nerves.
When he comes he bites hard on his lower lip to keep himself from shouting Chris’ name.
---
Chris is still awake when Darren comes back, stumbling through the door. His cheeks are flushed and his hair messier than usual.
Something burns behind Chris’ sternum; he knows all too well that it’s jealousy and that he isn’t supposed to feel like this.
It doesn’t change the fact that he does.
*
If there’s a way to erase the words you wrote on me, I’ll find it. I’ll erase them and I’ll be new. I will be free from the glass prison that being in love in you is.
*
Chris knows what he has to do.
“Hey, Dare.”
Darren lifts his gaze from the music sheets he was working on, his eyes wide.
“C-Chris!”
“Did I interrupt you?”
Darren shakes his head and quickly collects the sheets and throws them into his desk drawer.
“Working on a new piece? I’d love to hear it, you know that.”
Darren shifts on his chair and Chris wonders why he looks so uncomfortable seeing that usually he is so happy to hear his opinion.
“It’s…um…only an experiment.”
“Okay…”
Chris passes a hand through his hair; he wishes he could read Darren’s mind, it would make everything so much easier.
“So, did you want to tell me something?”
Chris knows all too well that going to a party probably won’t change things, but he wants to try; he needs to prove to himself that he can spend time with other people, that he can be attracted to people other than Darren.
“I…yeah, I was thinking of coming to Joey’s party on Friday if it’s not a problem?”
---
Darren’s heart is still beating wildly at the thought of Chris reading the lyrics to his new song and it takes a while for him to register what Chris has just said.
“Wait, what?”
Chris looks at him with his brows furrowed.
“Is it so weird for me to want to go to a party?”
“What? Of course not! You caught me by surprise; I mean you usually don’t like going to parties and...”
Chris chuckles and something warm spreads through Darren at the sound.
“Your babbling always amazes me, Dare!”
Darren grins.
“Anyway, of course there’s no problem! I’m glad that you’re coming!”
They look at each other in silence; Darren simply can’t tear his gaze away from Chris eyes, deep and bright, cutting through him like a knife.
It’s Chris who diverts his gaze first; Darren feels as though someone has just shoved him.
“O-okay, then. I’m… off to study at the library, then.”
Darren nods and barely manages to answer with a “See you later.”
All he can think about is how a party could be a perfect occasion to finally tell Chris how he feels. He knows he is a coward to think that alcohol might help, but he knows that he has kept his feelings buried for too long and he needs an extra push to let them out.
He knows it’s going to put the most precious friendship he has ever had on the line, but he can’t believe he has misinterpreted the way Chris looks at him sometimes, this weird energy that seems to connect them.
He retrieves his music sheets and his guitar as he pours every ounce of hope and love and desire in his newborn song.
A million years go by and you’re still around.
You’re knocking us off our feet,
You’re knocking us down.
But we still can’t leave you alone.
The way you move, one would be prone
To want to be turned into stone by you.
In that moment he knows he would give up everything if it meant being able to be with Chris, to give him his heart and hold his like the treasure it is.
Part 8