Glee rpf| Like primal music (5/9)
After two years of college, Darren has gotten used to be on his own, miles away from the chaos of his childhood room and of his adolescence spent writing songs and filming short movies with his friends, but it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t miss it all. Being back home is great; his mother cooks all his favorite dishes and he spends hours jamming with Chuck. San Francisco will always be the place where he grew up, where he learnt to sing and where he fell in love for the first time.
Yet…yet he has learned to carve a place all for himself, in a city that bursts with life and opportunities. He has met so many new people; he has met Chris.
Chris is different from anyone Darren has ever met before; far more quiet and far more precious. There’s something that shines calmly at the bottom of those azure eyes of his, that twinkles behind his words. His talent is so bright that sometimes Darren can’t help feeling small and inadequate.
The first time he read something written by Chris, it was at night; it was raining outside and Chris was asleep. When he finally managed to tear his eyes away from the neat lines of his handwriting it was almost 5 am and he was tingling all over, his heart thrumming following the rhythm of something unknown.
He wanted to wake Chris up, hold him close and make him promise not to lock in the beauty that he had inside. He couldn’t, though. He simply slid under the blankets and waited for the sleep to come, trying hard not to focus on Chris’ soft and regular breathing coming from the other side of the room.
It probably began that night, this need to gravitate towards Chris, like a satellite around the sun.
Darren didn’t know how to deal with it at first; sure he knew what kissing a boy felt like, he had grown up as a theater kid in San Francisco after all, and he had never believed in forcing one’s feelings into tight labeled boxes, but in the end he had only fallen for girls.
The thing lodged into his chest, the one that set his nerves on edge every time he and Chris were too close, making it almost impossible not to reach out and never let go, is something completely new, though. Darren is positively sure he has never experienced something like that.
The sheer strength of that longing scares him; kissing girls at parties, feeling their curves under his hands is familiar, reassuring; none of them managed to crawl under his skin as deep as Chris has managed without even realizing it.
But Chris is his best friend and Darren knows that he can’t compromise that for some confusing emotions that he’s not strong enough to silence. That doesn’t prevent him from trying to push it away, bury it so deep that it won’t be able to come back to the surface.
It is hard to control when Chris talks excitedly about the last book he read, his hands moving nonstop, his eyes crinkling at the corners when he smiles or when he laughs at Darren’s jokes, his laughter clear and perfect.
*
To Chris:
I hope being back at home helps your inspiration! I want new things to read when we’re back in NY!
To Darren:
And since when have I become your personal entertainer?
To Chris:
Since the day I was sick and you sang the whole Aladdin oundtrack to me?
To Darren:
Touché :)
*
Darren is idly playing his guitar when Chuck barges into his room without knocking.
“So, little brother…”
Darren lifts his gaze; he knows that tone, it means his brother is definitely up to something.
“Spit it out, Chuck.”
Chuck lifts his hands in mock surrender .
“Can’t a big brother check on his tiny brother?”
“I’m not tiny!”
“If you say so…”
Darren watches as Chuck plops down on his bed.
“So…would you tell me what’s on your mind?”
Darren swallows; Chuck has always been too good at reading him.
“I…what do you mean?”
“Oh, c’mon! I’ve seen that look that you get now and then and don’t think I didn’t notice how you tend to nurse your mobile phone lately or those dorky grins on your face when you get certain texts! So what’s her name?”
Darren lowers his gaze on his painted nails (he sent a photo of them to Chris a couple of days ago; Chris’ answering text- Oh God, you were kidnapped by Barbie?- made him laugh so much he couldn’t breathe).
He and Chuck have always been close, they’ve always talked to each other about everything and if there’s someone who could help him sort out his messy feelings it was his brother, for sure.
“His name is Chris.”
For an instant there’s only silence; Darren tightens his grip on his guitar and lifts his gaze. Chuck is looking straight at him, a small smile stretching his lips.
“He must be a great guy if he has managed to reduce you to a silent puppy.”
Darren blinks; his voice is barely a whisper when he speaks again.
“He is.”
*
New Year’s Eve rolls around and finds Darren at a party crammed with old friends and loud music.
He realizes he is definitely drunk when he finds himself sitting almost in Joey’s lap without remembering how he managed to get there.
Everything feels lighter and brighter, laughter keeps bubbling inside of him without any real reason. And his thoughts keep revolving around Chris.
Darren wonders what he is doing, how he is celebrating. Maybe he is at home with his family or maybe he is at some party. He can almost imagine him sitting on a couch, quietly drinking some Diet Coke and attracting the attention of some guy or the other. How could he not, beautiful as he is?
Darren wishes he could be there with him, to look into those incredible eyes of his, to hear his laugh, to kiss him at midnight.
His heart lurches forwards against his ribcage as he realizes what he has been thinking. Shaking his head, he takes a large gulp of his umpteenth beer.
*
When the countdown starts he is shouting the numbers along with the others, but his heart is so full of Chris that Darren wonders how it is possible that it hasn’t burst yet.
*
To Chris:
Happy New Year, Chris!!!! The fireworks are so pretty!!! They remind me of your eyes! X
*
Darren wakes up to a splitting headache and a new text on his mobile phone.
From Chris:
Happy New Year to you too.
Darren spends the whole day trying to imagine how Chris felt when he got his text, was he surprised? Angry? Offended?
He wishes he could be brave enough to call him and ask, but he also knows that he doesn’t have answers to the questions that Chris might ask.
During the next week he avoids his mobile phone like the plague; he tries to fight the disappointment that rises inside of him every time that he picks it up and there are no texts or missed calls from Chris.
*
Sitting on the plane to go back to New York, excitement to see Chris again and dread at the thought that something might have changed between them battle for dominance inside of him. He falls asleep with Chris’ smile bright against his closed eyelids.
Part 6
Yet…yet he has learned to carve a place all for himself, in a city that bursts with life and opportunities. He has met so many new people; he has met Chris.
Chris is different from anyone Darren has ever met before; far more quiet and far more precious. There’s something that shines calmly at the bottom of those azure eyes of his, that twinkles behind his words. His talent is so bright that sometimes Darren can’t help feeling small and inadequate.
The first time he read something written by Chris, it was at night; it was raining outside and Chris was asleep. When he finally managed to tear his eyes away from the neat lines of his handwriting it was almost 5 am and he was tingling all over, his heart thrumming following the rhythm of something unknown.
He wanted to wake Chris up, hold him close and make him promise not to lock in the beauty that he had inside. He couldn’t, though. He simply slid under the blankets and waited for the sleep to come, trying hard not to focus on Chris’ soft and regular breathing coming from the other side of the room.
It probably began that night, this need to gravitate towards Chris, like a satellite around the sun.
Darren didn’t know how to deal with it at first; sure he knew what kissing a boy felt like, he had grown up as a theater kid in San Francisco after all, and he had never believed in forcing one’s feelings into tight labeled boxes, but in the end he had only fallen for girls.
The thing lodged into his chest, the one that set his nerves on edge every time he and Chris were too close, making it almost impossible not to reach out and never let go, is something completely new, though. Darren is positively sure he has never experienced something like that.
The sheer strength of that longing scares him; kissing girls at parties, feeling their curves under his hands is familiar, reassuring; none of them managed to crawl under his skin as deep as Chris has managed without even realizing it.
But Chris is his best friend and Darren knows that he can’t compromise that for some confusing emotions that he’s not strong enough to silence. That doesn’t prevent him from trying to push it away, bury it so deep that it won’t be able to come back to the surface.
It is hard to control when Chris talks excitedly about the last book he read, his hands moving nonstop, his eyes crinkling at the corners when he smiles or when he laughs at Darren’s jokes, his laughter clear and perfect.
*
To Chris:
I hope being back at home helps your inspiration! I want new things to read when we’re back in NY!
To Darren:
And since when have I become your personal entertainer?
To Chris:
Since the day I was sick and you sang the whole Aladdin oundtrack to me?
To Darren:
Touché :)
*
Darren is idly playing his guitar when Chuck barges into his room without knocking.
“So, little brother…”
Darren lifts his gaze; he knows that tone, it means his brother is definitely up to something.
“Spit it out, Chuck.”
Chuck lifts his hands in mock surrender .
“Can’t a big brother check on his tiny brother?”
“I’m not tiny!”
“If you say so…”
Darren watches as Chuck plops down on his bed.
“So…would you tell me what’s on your mind?”
Darren swallows; Chuck has always been too good at reading him.
“I…what do you mean?”
“Oh, c’mon! I’ve seen that look that you get now and then and don’t think I didn’t notice how you tend to nurse your mobile phone lately or those dorky grins on your face when you get certain texts! So what’s her name?”
Darren lowers his gaze on his painted nails (he sent a photo of them to Chris a couple of days ago; Chris’ answering text- Oh God, you were kidnapped by Barbie?- made him laugh so much he couldn’t breathe).
He and Chuck have always been close, they’ve always talked to each other about everything and if there’s someone who could help him sort out his messy feelings it was his brother, for sure.
“His name is Chris.”
For an instant there’s only silence; Darren tightens his grip on his guitar and lifts his gaze. Chuck is looking straight at him, a small smile stretching his lips.
“He must be a great guy if he has managed to reduce you to a silent puppy.”
Darren blinks; his voice is barely a whisper when he speaks again.
“He is.”
*
New Year’s Eve rolls around and finds Darren at a party crammed with old friends and loud music.
He realizes he is definitely drunk when he finds himself sitting almost in Joey’s lap without remembering how he managed to get there.
Everything feels lighter and brighter, laughter keeps bubbling inside of him without any real reason. And his thoughts keep revolving around Chris.
Darren wonders what he is doing, how he is celebrating. Maybe he is at home with his family or maybe he is at some party. He can almost imagine him sitting on a couch, quietly drinking some Diet Coke and attracting the attention of some guy or the other. How could he not, beautiful as he is?
Darren wishes he could be there with him, to look into those incredible eyes of his, to hear his laugh, to kiss him at midnight.
His heart lurches forwards against his ribcage as he realizes what he has been thinking. Shaking his head, he takes a large gulp of his umpteenth beer.
*
When the countdown starts he is shouting the numbers along with the others, but his heart is so full of Chris that Darren wonders how it is possible that it hasn’t burst yet.
*
To Chris:
Happy New Year, Chris!!!! The fireworks are so pretty!!! They remind me of your eyes! X
*
Darren wakes up to a splitting headache and a new text on his mobile phone.
From Chris:
Happy New Year to you too.
Darren spends the whole day trying to imagine how Chris felt when he got his text, was he surprised? Angry? Offended?
He wishes he could be brave enough to call him and ask, but he also knows that he doesn’t have answers to the questions that Chris might ask.
During the next week he avoids his mobile phone like the plague; he tries to fight the disappointment that rises inside of him every time that he picks it up and there are no texts or missed calls from Chris.
*
Sitting on the plane to go back to New York, excitement to see Chris again and dread at the thought that something might have changed between them battle for dominance inside of him. He falls asleep with Chris’ smile bright against his closed eyelids.
Part 6