Glee rpf| Like primal music (4/9)
Even though he hasn’t slept all night, Chris makes sure to be out of the dorms before Darren comes back. He wouldn’t be able to look at him in the eyes after he has spent hours writing about him, his heart tumbling on the worn-out pages of his notebook.
It hurts to be filled to the brim by someone like this; Darren seems to have crawled underneath every single thought, his feelings for him nestled too deep. But Chris knows he can’t keep running; Darren is his best friend and, indeed, he has never given him reason to hope that there could be something more between them.
It all blossomed and grew inside his own head and that’s what hurts the most.
Sighing, Chris pushes the door of a small cafeteria open. It’s still early and it’s a Sunday morning so there are only other three people sitting at the small tables scattered around the room.
He walks up to the counter and lets his gaze slide over the menu. He can’t help hating himself a bit when his eyes focus on the red, squared letters of “medium drip”. It’s Darren’s coffee order and something stutters inside of him.
“You want to order something or what?”
Chris blinks and lowers his gaze at the barista. She is looking straight at him, a dark eyebrow arched and half a smirk on her face. She looks vaguely familiar.
“Lively night yesterday, I guess.”
Chris feels his cheeks becoming hotter and hastily shakes his head.
“Nothing like that.”
He tries hard not to think about how Darren’s night went.
“Well, I hate to break it to you but you’re in a café and you’re supposed to want a coffee or something.”
“Oh, yeah, sorry. I’ll take a cappuccino.”
She grins at him.
“That’s better.”
Chris leans against the counter as she prepares his drink; drawing random patterns on the wooden surface, he finds himself wishing that he had someone to talk to, to help him to push this cumbersome and useless feeling away.
“Hey.”
Once again the barista’s voice snaps him out of his reverie. Her tone is softer now, though. He lifts his gaze and is surprised to see a gentle smile on her face.
“Here’s your cappuccino. It’s on the house.”
“But…”
She shakes her head.
“No buts! You seem to need a rush of caffeine.”
“Well, thank you...”
The girl points at the name tag on her chest. Ashley.
“Thank you, Ashley.”
“No problem!”
Chris walks up to a table right in front of the window. He likes to watch the people passing by; he smiles at his mug remembering all the times that he has done this with Darren, making up stories about random strangers and laughing so much that they risked to spill their coffees.
He shakes his head; he needs to stop thinking like this. He hasn’t lost Darren, they’re still friends, nothing has changed. He simply has to let go of feelings that have no place to grow.
“Aren’t you thinking too hard?”
Chris turns around to find that Ashley is standing by his table, a Styrofoam cup in her hand.
“I…what?”
She sighs and sits in the chair in front of him.
“Aren’t you supposed to be working?”
“Nah, Mark can cover for me just fine.”
Chris nods, trying to understand why she is talking to him when he simply is a customer in the place where she works.
“I know, you’re probably thinking: is she crazy? What the hell does she want from me?”
“I…”
“You’re not as eloquent as a creative writing student is supposed to be, you know?”
Chris opens and closes his mouth.
“Oh, c’mon! I’m not a stalker! We’re in the same course.”
It strikes him then, how much in the past months he has relied on Darren. He is the first friend he has ever had and it has always been enough; he has never felt the need to become close to anyone else. Looking at Ashley now Chris feels bad because he hasn’t even tried to notice the people around him.
“I…I’m sorry that I didn’t recognize you.”
Ashley shrugs and takes a sip of her coffee.
“No problem, you struck me as a kind of a loner. And I usually don’t approach people at random, but those pieces you read in class last time…they were beautiful and I couldn’t help think that damn you had it in you!”
Chris smiles down at his cappuccino.
“Thank you.”
“Oh, c’mon cut the blushing crap!”
Chris lifts his gaze and grins at her. He thinks he likes her already.
*
He leaves with her phone number and the threat that she’ll manage to get the reason why he was so upset out of him next time.
*
When he goes back to their room, Darren is dozing on his bed. As the door closes he blinks his eyes open, though.
“Hey, where were you last night?”
Chris swallows but then remembers that he can’t compromise his friendship with Darren for a silly, hopefully fleeting, crush.
“I was feeling tired and headed back home.”
He smiles even though he knows all too well that it won’t reach his eyes. Darren is probably too sleepy to notice, though, because he mumbles an “alright, but next time let me know so that I don’t panic when I can’t find you” and goes back to sleep.
Chris sits on his bed flipping through his notebook, random sentences catching his attention.
In the small space between coffee cups and silly songs, that’s where you live. In the small space right underneath my heart where my dreams are stacked neatly wishing for their time to come.
*
“So, let me get this straight…you’re into this boy, who’s also your best friend?”
Chris nods, holding his glass a bit tighter and making the brightly colored liquid inside of it slosh around. He is taken aback by how easily he has opened up to this girl, with her constant swearing and her penchant for gothic novels.
“Wow, that sounds like a super-cliché rom-com!”
Chris has to laugh at that.
“Jeez, when you put it like that it sounds even more lame than it is!”
Ashley shakes her head.
“I didn’t say that it’s lame, Chris. It must be hard, though.”
“It’s…yeah, it is sometimes, but…I just want it to pass. He…he’s straight.”
He can’t help thinking that the word still sounds a bit wrong when referred to Darren who has always claimed that love doesn’t know barriers and doesn’t need definitions.
Ashley’s hand covers his, squeezing his fingers gently.
“He doesn’t know what he’s losing, then!”
Chris lets a grateful smile stretch his lips.
*
The few days before the end of the semester and the beginning of Christmas break pass in a blur of assignments, late movie nights with Darren nodding off on his shoulder (those time Chris’ heart always manages to lodge itself in his throat) and evenings out with Ashley (it’s always only the two of them and a couple of beers, because Ashley firmly believes that he needs to learn to drink it).
*
Darren’s arms are strong around him and Chris blinks against the fabric of his beanie. His lungs seem unable to work properly.
“I’m going to miss you like hell, Chris!”
Chris hopes that his attempt to laugh is credible even though he sounds decidedly breathless to his own ears.
“It’s only for a couple of weeks, Dare.”
Darren ruffles his hair.
“Way to ruin the moment, Chris!”
Chris shoves him playfully. It feels nice to see that despite the awkwardness of those first days right after the party they are always them. As he hugs Darren back, Chris thinks that he wouldn’t let go of this for the world.
*
From Ashley:
Arrived safe and sound? Here I’m still waiting for my plane, I think I’ll need to kill somebody soon!
From Chris:
Just got home from the airport. Please, don’t kill anyone, you can’t be in jail when I go back to NY! Who’s going to make me coffee?
From Ashley:
I know you love me, smartass! <3
*
From Dare :):
Omg Chris! I just saw a boy wearing a red and yellow striped scarf! I want one!!
From Chris:
Jeez, how many times do I have to tell you that Hufflepuffs are the best?
From Dare :):
I think you’d make a great Hufflepuff! (and yeah that’s my way of saying that I miss my roommate!)
From Chris:
I miss you too, you dork!
*
Even though every text that he gets from Darren manages to make his heart flutter or his lips break into a smile so big that he wonders if his mother might think he is crazy, being back home helps him to put things into perspective.
Sometimes he still wakes up in the morning with flashes of soft smiles and hazel eyes stuck in between his eyelashes, but he likes to think that he is getting better at controlling it. In the end if something can’t burn brighter it will end up fading away sooner or later; or at least that’s what he whispers to himself as morning light slips into his childhood room.
*
Sometimes it’s a bit trickier, though.
Chris stares at the piece of paper that has just slipped out of his agenda.
This is for you -->
PS: I’ve got a gig at Joe’s Pub. I’d be the happiest roommate on Earth if you came J
Stuffing it back in between the pages, Chris tries to keep the unknown emotion simmering at the bottom of his stomach in check.
When he realizes it is not going to happen, he flops down on his bed. He wishes he could be brave enough to pick up the phone and call Darren.
He doesn’t and he misses him even more.
*
From Chris:
Do you really think I can make it?
From Ashley:
You can do whatever you and your heart want, hon.
Chris stares at the text. He is positively sure he shouldn’t listen to his heart right now or he would end up doing something stupid, like calling Darren and whispering into his phone like a prayer “I think I’ve fallen in love with you”.
Part 5
It hurts to be filled to the brim by someone like this; Darren seems to have crawled underneath every single thought, his feelings for him nestled too deep. But Chris knows he can’t keep running; Darren is his best friend and, indeed, he has never given him reason to hope that there could be something more between them.
It all blossomed and grew inside his own head and that’s what hurts the most.
Sighing, Chris pushes the door of a small cafeteria open. It’s still early and it’s a Sunday morning so there are only other three people sitting at the small tables scattered around the room.
He walks up to the counter and lets his gaze slide over the menu. He can’t help hating himself a bit when his eyes focus on the red, squared letters of “medium drip”. It’s Darren’s coffee order and something stutters inside of him.
“You want to order something or what?”
Chris blinks and lowers his gaze at the barista. She is looking straight at him, a dark eyebrow arched and half a smirk on her face. She looks vaguely familiar.
“Lively night yesterday, I guess.”
Chris feels his cheeks becoming hotter and hastily shakes his head.
“Nothing like that.”
He tries hard not to think about how Darren’s night went.
“Well, I hate to break it to you but you’re in a café and you’re supposed to want a coffee or something.”
“Oh, yeah, sorry. I’ll take a cappuccino.”
She grins at him.
“That’s better.”
Chris leans against the counter as she prepares his drink; drawing random patterns on the wooden surface, he finds himself wishing that he had someone to talk to, to help him to push this cumbersome and useless feeling away.
“Hey.”
Once again the barista’s voice snaps him out of his reverie. Her tone is softer now, though. He lifts his gaze and is surprised to see a gentle smile on her face.
“Here’s your cappuccino. It’s on the house.”
“But…”
She shakes her head.
“No buts! You seem to need a rush of caffeine.”
“Well, thank you...”
The girl points at the name tag on her chest. Ashley.
“Thank you, Ashley.”
“No problem!”
Chris walks up to a table right in front of the window. He likes to watch the people passing by; he smiles at his mug remembering all the times that he has done this with Darren, making up stories about random strangers and laughing so much that they risked to spill their coffees.
He shakes his head; he needs to stop thinking like this. He hasn’t lost Darren, they’re still friends, nothing has changed. He simply has to let go of feelings that have no place to grow.
“Aren’t you thinking too hard?”
Chris turns around to find that Ashley is standing by his table, a Styrofoam cup in her hand.
“I…what?”
She sighs and sits in the chair in front of him.
“Aren’t you supposed to be working?”
“Nah, Mark can cover for me just fine.”
Chris nods, trying to understand why she is talking to him when he simply is a customer in the place where she works.
“I know, you’re probably thinking: is she crazy? What the hell does she want from me?”
“I…”
“You’re not as eloquent as a creative writing student is supposed to be, you know?”
Chris opens and closes his mouth.
“Oh, c’mon! I’m not a stalker! We’re in the same course.”
It strikes him then, how much in the past months he has relied on Darren. He is the first friend he has ever had and it has always been enough; he has never felt the need to become close to anyone else. Looking at Ashley now Chris feels bad because he hasn’t even tried to notice the people around him.
“I…I’m sorry that I didn’t recognize you.”
Ashley shrugs and takes a sip of her coffee.
“No problem, you struck me as a kind of a loner. And I usually don’t approach people at random, but those pieces you read in class last time…they were beautiful and I couldn’t help think that damn you had it in you!”
Chris smiles down at his cappuccino.
“Thank you.”
“Oh, c’mon cut the blushing crap!”
Chris lifts his gaze and grins at her. He thinks he likes her already.
*
He leaves with her phone number and the threat that she’ll manage to get the reason why he was so upset out of him next time.
*
When he goes back to their room, Darren is dozing on his bed. As the door closes he blinks his eyes open, though.
“Hey, where were you last night?”
Chris swallows but then remembers that he can’t compromise his friendship with Darren for a silly, hopefully fleeting, crush.
“I was feeling tired and headed back home.”
He smiles even though he knows all too well that it won’t reach his eyes. Darren is probably too sleepy to notice, though, because he mumbles an “alright, but next time let me know so that I don’t panic when I can’t find you” and goes back to sleep.
Chris sits on his bed flipping through his notebook, random sentences catching his attention.
In the small space between coffee cups and silly songs, that’s where you live. In the small space right underneath my heart where my dreams are stacked neatly wishing for their time to come.
*
“So, let me get this straight…you’re into this boy, who’s also your best friend?”
Chris nods, holding his glass a bit tighter and making the brightly colored liquid inside of it slosh around. He is taken aback by how easily he has opened up to this girl, with her constant swearing and her penchant for gothic novels.
“Wow, that sounds like a super-cliché rom-com!”
Chris has to laugh at that.
“Jeez, when you put it like that it sounds even more lame than it is!”
Ashley shakes her head.
“I didn’t say that it’s lame, Chris. It must be hard, though.”
“It’s…yeah, it is sometimes, but…I just want it to pass. He…he’s straight.”
He can’t help thinking that the word still sounds a bit wrong when referred to Darren who has always claimed that love doesn’t know barriers and doesn’t need definitions.
Ashley’s hand covers his, squeezing his fingers gently.
“He doesn’t know what he’s losing, then!”
Chris lets a grateful smile stretch his lips.
*
The few days before the end of the semester and the beginning of Christmas break pass in a blur of assignments, late movie nights with Darren nodding off on his shoulder (those time Chris’ heart always manages to lodge itself in his throat) and evenings out with Ashley (it’s always only the two of them and a couple of beers, because Ashley firmly believes that he needs to learn to drink it).
*
Darren’s arms are strong around him and Chris blinks against the fabric of his beanie. His lungs seem unable to work properly.
“I’m going to miss you like hell, Chris!”
Chris hopes that his attempt to laugh is credible even though he sounds decidedly breathless to his own ears.
“It’s only for a couple of weeks, Dare.”
Darren ruffles his hair.
“Way to ruin the moment, Chris!”
Chris shoves him playfully. It feels nice to see that despite the awkwardness of those first days right after the party they are always them. As he hugs Darren back, Chris thinks that he wouldn’t let go of this for the world.
*
From Ashley:
Arrived safe and sound? Here I’m still waiting for my plane, I think I’ll need to kill somebody soon!
From Chris:
Just got home from the airport. Please, don’t kill anyone, you can’t be in jail when I go back to NY! Who’s going to make me coffee?
From Ashley:
I know you love me, smartass! <3
*
From Dare :):
Omg Chris! I just saw a boy wearing a red and yellow striped scarf! I want one!!
From Chris:
Jeez, how many times do I have to tell you that Hufflepuffs are the best?
From Dare :):
I think you’d make a great Hufflepuff! (and yeah that’s my way of saying that I miss my roommate!)
From Chris:
I miss you too, you dork!
*
Even though every text that he gets from Darren manages to make his heart flutter or his lips break into a smile so big that he wonders if his mother might think he is crazy, being back home helps him to put things into perspective.
Sometimes he still wakes up in the morning with flashes of soft smiles and hazel eyes stuck in between his eyelashes, but he likes to think that he is getting better at controlling it. In the end if something can’t burn brighter it will end up fading away sooner or later; or at least that’s what he whispers to himself as morning light slips into his childhood room.
*
Sometimes it’s a bit trickier, though.
Chris stares at the piece of paper that has just slipped out of his agenda.
This is for you -->
PS: I’ve got a gig at Joe’s Pub. I’d be the happiest roommate on Earth if you came J
Stuffing it back in between the pages, Chris tries to keep the unknown emotion simmering at the bottom of his stomach in check.
When he realizes it is not going to happen, he flops down on his bed. He wishes he could be brave enough to pick up the phone and call Darren.
He doesn’t and he misses him even more.
*
From Chris:
Do you really think I can make it?
From Ashley:
You can do whatever you and your heart want, hon.
Chris stares at the text. He is positively sure he shouldn’t listen to his heart right now or he would end up doing something stupid, like calling Darren and whispering into his phone like a prayer “I think I’ve fallen in love with you”.
Part 5