bbc merlin| In your hands my heart rests (Ch. 5/a)
Months slip by, one after the other as spring and then summer roll over the land. Merlin knows he is supposed to feel better with time, but that’s not the case.
He sees them, Arthur and Gwen, smiling at each other during banquets, sitting side by side in the inner court, the light sliding over Gwen’s mahogany hair. Something dark and cold twist at the bottom of his stomach. Merlin tries to push it back down every single time because this is not the man his mother wants him to become, this is not the man he wants to be.
But then again the man he wants to be is one who can be brave and honest enough to set Gwaine free, to tell his best friend that he has magic, to tell that same best friend that he is in love with him.
Every time he swallows the jealousy down along with his regrets.
*
The first time Gwaine tells him that he loves him it’s a quiet night at the beginning of the fall. They are in Gwaine’s room, all of the new knights who turned eighteen got one after they had finished their apprenticeship.
Gwaine’s chest rises and falls softly underneath him and Merlin fights to bring those three words out of the place where he has tucked them waiting to tell them to a person who could never hear them.
They don’t come, so he simply presses his lips to Gwaine’s smooth skin right over his heart. It’s a silent apology but Merlin knows that it’s not even remotely enough.
*
He talks less to Arthur lately. It’s painful to keep the distance after years spent too close to each other, at the point that all boundaries blurred in a jumbled mess, but it’s the only way Merlin can trust to keep himself under control and to try to preserve Arthur’s stability too. Because Arthur has never ceased to be his main concern, the one he would gladly die for, the one he keeps protecting over and over from shadowy corners where no one can see his magic shine.
That’s why he is surprised when he walks past Arthur in the silent corridor near the room where he found him that afternoon so many years ago and the prince grabs his wrist, his eyes wide and pleading for him not to run away, to just stay. He nods and lets Arthur drag him into the room.
He watches as Arthur walks up to the old bed after having released his hand and sits down not caring about the dust piled upon the covers. He wants to say Arthur’s name but right now it feels like too much.
“It’s hard, you know?”
Merlin lifts his gaze and his eyes find Arthur’s deep ones. He seems older and more tired than Merlin has ever seen him.
In that moment he knows exactly what Arthur means. The words stumble past his lips and get lost in the chilliness of the room.
“I know.”
I miss you too. I wish things could be different. Do you really think we can’t learn to make this work? Why can’t we be real?
They look at each other in silence until Arthur drops his gaze and rises to his feet once again. The back of their hands brush as he walks past Merlin and out of the door. Merlin’s magic whines softly from where it is curled like a wounded animal around his heart.
*
“Are you happy?”
Merlin blinks and lifts his gaze from Arthur’s armor. Arthur’s eyes seem to shine in the half light of the armory. The other knights are still finishing their training and there’s only the two of them in the room, the smell of leather and polisher twirling around them.
Merlin hopes his voice doesn’t tremble too much when he answers.
“I am.”
Arthur passes a hand through his hair, plastered to his forehead after the training.
“Sometimes I think that I cannot be happy unless…”
“Don’t say that.”
Merlin knows his tone was probably harsher than he intended, but he isn’t sure he would be able to stitch himself back together if he listens to what Arthur has to say.
Arthur shakes his head, a small and sad smile on his lips.
“You don’t even want to hear it, Merlin?”
“No. Maybe I want to hear it too much.”
Arthur’s expression softens and something slams heavily against Merlin’s chest, because right now Arthur looks exactly like the boy who talked to him about a mother he had never met, the boy who promised him they would go to Ealdor together one day.
He lowers his gaze to his hands. He doesn’t lift his gaze when Arthur walks towards him. When Arthur’s lips press gently against his forehead. Merlin simply closes his eyes and clenches his hands into trembling fists.
When a soft thud echoes through the armory, he doesn’t give it any importance, he can’t when Arthur is so close that his magic sings.
*
On a sunny, chilly afternoon a few days later, Merlin is alone in the workshop, intent on bottling the salve he and Gaius prepared the previous night when the door opens and closes behind him. He doesn’t need to turn to know that it’s Gwaine, he would recognize his scent everywhere.
“Hey.”
Gwaine doesn’t answer and that’s when Merlin turns. The knight is standing there, biting his lower lip, his eyes hooded and dark.
“Is something wrong?”
“You never said it back to me.”
For an instant Merlin truly doesn’t understand what Gwaine is saying but then realization grips him hard. He doesn’t know what to answer to that.
“You didn’t say it back; I should have seen why.”
Merlin’s throat feels too tight and dry; Gwaine can’t possibly know about what Arthur and he have done, right?
“W-What do you mean?”
Gwaine lifts his gaze and looks straight at him. To see the pain and the longing on his beautiful features breaks something inside of Merlin. He has never wanted to hurt anyone and yet he has done just so, and to the one person who has always been by his side, loyal and caring.
“You can’t love me back, Merlin. Isn’t that the problem?”
Merlin opens and closes his mouth before taking a deep breath. His lungs seem too small to work properly.
“I’m sorry, Gwaine. I am truly sorry.”
And he isn’t sure for what he is apologizing, if it is because he can’t love him back or because he betrayed him.
Gwaine passes a hand through his hair.
“The worst part is that I know that you are. Whom you love is not something you chose.”
“Gwaine…”
The knight lifts his hand and Merlin swallows back another apology.
“Did you ever tell him?”
Merlin’s heart is beating like a drum, slamming against his bones so hard that Merlin wouldn’t be surprised if they broke.
“Whom?”
“Arthur…I saw the two of you in the armory the other day. So, did you at least tell him?”
Merlin shakes his head, because it’s the truth, he has never told Arthur what he feels.
Gwaine’s voice is slightly broken at the edges when he speaks again.
“Did you two…”
Merlin focuses his gaze on the wooden floor and nods. The worst thing is that even though he feels horrible for having done this to Gwaine, he knows that he would do the same thing if he had the possibility to go back in time. Arthur is…Arthur is everything and Merlin hates himself for not having realized before now that there couldn’t be space for anyone else. Even if he can’t have Arthur, the other man will always take up all the space inside his stupid, little heart.
“I am so sorry, Gwaine. I…there can’t be anything between me and him, but I shouldn’t have done this to you.”
Tears are sliding down his cheeks when he finally manages to lift his gaze. Gwaine is looking at him, tears in his own eyes, a small sad smile on his face.
“I guess that’s it, then. I…I think I need a bit of time to…”
Merlin nods, wishing he could reach out and hug Gwaine but knowing all too well that he isn’t allowed to do it anymore.
“Of course. Just…for all that it’s worth know that I am sorry. You deserve someone who loves you and not someone as horrible as me.”
Gwaine shakes his head.
“I can’t forgive you right now, Merlin. You know that…but know that you’re not horrible at all. If anything you’re too bright to be true.”
Gwaine turns and closes the door behind his back. Merlin curls on himself, sobs making him tremble. That’s what he gets for having denied what lives and breathes inside of him for so long.
*
In front of Arthur and of the other knights, he tries hard not to seem too broken. Gwaine never stands too close to him and tries not to speak to him unless it’s strictly necessary, but at least he isn’t insulting him in front of everyone. But then again that isn’t something that someone as pure and honest as Gwaine would do.
If Arthur notices that something is different he doesn’t say anything and Merlin doesn’t know if he should be relieved or disappointed about it.
///
Arthur is reading some papers at his desk when someone knocks on the door. His stomach twists at the thought that it might be Merlin. He has been sadder lately, his shoulders always slumped, his eyes less bright than they usually are. It makes him worry.
“Come on in.”
His heart plummets to the bottom of his ribcage as the one who enters the room is Gwaine. The knight bows slightly, his features set in a frown. Arthur tilts his head to the side.
“Is there something wrong, Gwaine?”
“I just wanted to talk to you about something.”
Arthur motions for him to sit down and waits for the other man to do so before he speaks again.
“You can talk to me about anything.”
“It’s about Merlin.”
Arthur hopes Gwaine hasn’t noticed the way his breath just got stuck in his lungs.
“What about him?”
“We are no longer together.”
Something fresh seems to slide over Arthur’s skin, a sweet relief he almost instantly feels guilty of.
“I’m sorry to hear that, Gwaine.”
“And I know about the two of you.”
Arthur is positively sure that his blood has frozen.
“Gwaine, I…”
“Arthur, I truly don’t want to hear it. I just came because I knew that Merlin wouldn’t tell you, but I thought you needed to know it. And even though I might not be in a position to ask such a thing after what you two have done…I still care about him, I always will, so don’t break him. Don’t you dare break him.”
Arthur nods and looks numbly as Gwaine stands, bows and exits the room.
*
That night when Gwen comes to wish him a goodnight he holds onto her a bit tighter than usual, wishing that her warmth could chase away the coldness that has settled into his bones at the thought that Merlin is free now. Only he probably won’t ever be free to mend Merlin’s heart or his own.
*
Arthur doesn’t tell Merlin that he knows. He allows himself to tug a very surprised Merlin in a hug a few days later, though. Merlin stiffens in his arms but Arthur holds him until the other man relaxes.
He gently sways them on the spot, before he lets go, his heart beating too hard and his cheeks feeling hotter.
Merlin doesn’t say anything, he simply flashes him a small smile that makes Arthur’s heart melt just so.
*
The news of Mercian troops mulling too close to the Eastern borders doesn’t come as a surprise. After all the relationship between the two kingdoms started to deteriorate months ago.
Arthur spends hours holed up in the council’s room with his father and his advisors, trying to figure out which course of action would be better. They decide to try a diplomatic contact at first. When the messenger they sent comes back battered and with the news that the Mercian army has already reached the Darkling Woods, they all know that they don’t have a choice anymore.
This is the first time since Arthur was born, that Camelot is directly under attack and there’s no way he can deny how terrified he is about it. It’s something that has started to grow inside of him - only recently this love for his people, this need to protect them no matter what.
Arthur knows all too well that this is his opportunity to prove that he is the prince they have wanted him to become. One who would sacrifice his life for them, to bring them happiness and safety. He wonders if Merlin would be proud of him.
But there’s no time to reach out for him. Hours are spent training and studying plans of the city, trying to understand which spots are more vulnerable and where it’s more likely that the Mercian soldiers will hit. Troops have been deployed in the plain surrounding the city; some of the knights slept there the night before.
There’s a constant thrumming inside Arthur. He doesn’t know if it’s the worry, the excitement or the fact that this is what his destiny is supposed to look like.
*
When it’s announced that the Mercian army will be there the following day at dawn, something heavy closes around Arthur’s heart. He knows that things could go wrong, that the majority of his knights have just come out of apprenticeship. Above all he knows that he has too much to lose if the Mercians were to win. He isn’t surprised when the thought that hurts him the most is that he could lose Merlin.
///
Outside it’s dark and a pale moon shines over an almost deserted town when Merlin stands in front of Arthur’s chambers. A small blade of light spills from underneath the closed door and he shakes his head, because it’s just like Arthur to remain awake, probably vibrating with energy, when instead he needs to rest and prepare himself.
He takes a deep breath and knocks. The sound rings too high in his own ears. Without waiting to hear an answer he pushes the door open and looks inside. Arthur is sitting at his desk, his back to the door. Sometimes Merlin wishes his magic could help him read Arthur’s mind, to always have the right words to say, the right gestures to sooth.
“I hoped you’d come.”
Arthur’s voice slides over him as warm water, slips under his skin and caresses his bones.
“You know that I could never leave you alone before a battle.”
Arthur chuckles, a small and frail sound.
“I know. Remember that time when you ran in the courtyard and the guards wouldn’t let you pass?”
Merlin passes a hand through his hair. Everything had been so much easier back then.
“Yes, I remember.”
Arthur finally turns, his eyes alight with something Merlin cannot place. It makes him think that there’s so much inside of Arthur, shining right under the surface of his skin. He would gladly get lost inside of him.
“Would you…would you remain here tonight, Merlin?”
And there’s so much pressing need behind those words, too much unknown laying ahead of them for Merlin to refuse. Indeed he doesn’t know if he could ever be able to deny something to Arthur. He nods and a small, watery smile stretches Arthur’s lips.
They’re careful, light touches and gentle kisses, trying not to break each other more than they already have. Arthur’s hands run over Merlin’s ribs and his magic follows them; it’s different from when Gwaine used to touch him. It leaves Merlin trembling, his breath stuttering in his lungs as he looks up at Arthur. The look of devotion on Arthur’s face makes his heart quiver. Right in this moment, with the warmth of Arthur’s naked body covering him, Merlin knows that he is completely in love with his prince. He closes his eyes and buries his face in the crook of Arthur’s neck as Arthur presses gentle kisses to the shell of his ear.
“Merlin, I need…”
Merlin nods, there’s no need for words between them, not now.
“I’ve never done this, though…”
The worried expression on Arthur’s features makes him feel warm all over. If possible his heart beats even faster, reveling in Arthur’s affection.
“I’ll guide you.”
Arthur’s hand is trembling in his own as Merlin pours ointment on his fingers and guides them to his entrance. As Arthur carefully pushes a first finger inside Merlin is sure that something has just liquefied inside of him and is sloshing around his organs, mixing with his magic.
When Arthur has stretched him open, Merlin halts the movements of his hand, a gentle smile on his lips.
“I should turn over. It’s going to be easier.”
Arthur nods and Merlin has barely the time to turn on his hands and knees before Arthur is encircling him with his arms. Merlin closes his eyes against the overwhelming sensation that comes from being held like this by him. A sensation he has only dreamt of so far, precious and unattainable. But now it’s real and it takes Merlin’s breath away.
The moment Arthur starts to press in, everything fades around Merlin, there’s only Arthur’s breath caressing his ear and the feeling of being filled. His magic thrashes around, confused as a lost bird, before it settles in a hot knot right behind Merlin’s sternum.
“A-Arthur…”
Arthur presses a kiss to the side of his neck as he pushes himself all the way in. It burns and it’s perfect. When Arthur finally starts to move, Merlin can’t prevent the low moan that rolls up his throat and past his lips. Arthur’s arms squeeze him tighter as Arthur starts moving faster.
Merlin can hear nothing except the blood rushing in his ears and the sound of their bodies slapping together. It should be obscene; it’s beautiful instead.
“Why can’t you be mine, Merlin?”
Arthur’s voice is broken as the moan that follows his words.
Merlin grips the sheets tighter, as though it could help him to keep himself together. His lungs are on fire and his whole body is trembling as Arthur moves inside of him.
“I am yours, Arthur. I will always be, no matter what.”
Arthur presses a wet kiss between his shoulder blades as he covers him, skin against skin, warm pants against his nape.
“I love you.”
Merlin comes with a cry, his eyes filled with tears. Arthur’s own tears falling on the bare skin of his shoulder.
As they lie in Arthur’s bed, waiting for the dawn to come and for the battle to begin, Merlin lets his fingers trace unknown letters on Arthur’s damp skin.
“I love you too. My heart is in your hands. It has always been.”
Arthur presses a gentle kiss to the point where his jaw meets his neck.
“I’ll never let go of it.”
In that moment, their legs tangled together and their feelings curled between them, it doesn’t feel like a promise, it feels like the truth.
*
Merlin wakes up at the sound of sheets rustling. The room is immersed in the pale, weak light of dawn. He lets his arm reach out and his fingers brush against Arthur’s wrist.
“I guess it’s time, then?”
Arthur simply leans down and presses a kiss to his forehead.
*
“There’s no way I am going to remain here at the castle, Arthur!”
“Merlin, this is an order!”
“I’m not going to stay behind a wall why you are risking your life, Arthur! I want to fight by your side!”
Arthur looks at him and Merlin holds his gaze, his magic thumping underneath his skin.
“I…Alright, Merlin. But, please, don’t let them kill you. I couldn’t…”
Merlin reaches up, cupping Arthur’s cheek, his thumb tracing the line of his cheekbone.
“I won’t. Don’t worry.”
Chapter 5/b
He sees them, Arthur and Gwen, smiling at each other during banquets, sitting side by side in the inner court, the light sliding over Gwen’s mahogany hair. Something dark and cold twist at the bottom of his stomach. Merlin tries to push it back down every single time because this is not the man his mother wants him to become, this is not the man he wants to be.
But then again the man he wants to be is one who can be brave and honest enough to set Gwaine free, to tell his best friend that he has magic, to tell that same best friend that he is in love with him.
Every time he swallows the jealousy down along with his regrets.
*
The first time Gwaine tells him that he loves him it’s a quiet night at the beginning of the fall. They are in Gwaine’s room, all of the new knights who turned eighteen got one after they had finished their apprenticeship.
Gwaine’s chest rises and falls softly underneath him and Merlin fights to bring those three words out of the place where he has tucked them waiting to tell them to a person who could never hear them.
They don’t come, so he simply presses his lips to Gwaine’s smooth skin right over his heart. It’s a silent apology but Merlin knows that it’s not even remotely enough.
*
He talks less to Arthur lately. It’s painful to keep the distance after years spent too close to each other, at the point that all boundaries blurred in a jumbled mess, but it’s the only way Merlin can trust to keep himself under control and to try to preserve Arthur’s stability too. Because Arthur has never ceased to be his main concern, the one he would gladly die for, the one he keeps protecting over and over from shadowy corners where no one can see his magic shine.
That’s why he is surprised when he walks past Arthur in the silent corridor near the room where he found him that afternoon so many years ago and the prince grabs his wrist, his eyes wide and pleading for him not to run away, to just stay. He nods and lets Arthur drag him into the room.
He watches as Arthur walks up to the old bed after having released his hand and sits down not caring about the dust piled upon the covers. He wants to say Arthur’s name but right now it feels like too much.
“It’s hard, you know?”
Merlin lifts his gaze and his eyes find Arthur’s deep ones. He seems older and more tired than Merlin has ever seen him.
In that moment he knows exactly what Arthur means. The words stumble past his lips and get lost in the chilliness of the room.
“I know.”
I miss you too. I wish things could be different. Do you really think we can’t learn to make this work? Why can’t we be real?
They look at each other in silence until Arthur drops his gaze and rises to his feet once again. The back of their hands brush as he walks past Merlin and out of the door. Merlin’s magic whines softly from where it is curled like a wounded animal around his heart.
*
“Are you happy?”
Merlin blinks and lifts his gaze from Arthur’s armor. Arthur’s eyes seem to shine in the half light of the armory. The other knights are still finishing their training and there’s only the two of them in the room, the smell of leather and polisher twirling around them.
Merlin hopes his voice doesn’t tremble too much when he answers.
“I am.”
Arthur passes a hand through his hair, plastered to his forehead after the training.
“Sometimes I think that I cannot be happy unless…”
“Don’t say that.”
Merlin knows his tone was probably harsher than he intended, but he isn’t sure he would be able to stitch himself back together if he listens to what Arthur has to say.
Arthur shakes his head, a small and sad smile on his lips.
“You don’t even want to hear it, Merlin?”
“No. Maybe I want to hear it too much.”
Arthur’s expression softens and something slams heavily against Merlin’s chest, because right now Arthur looks exactly like the boy who talked to him about a mother he had never met, the boy who promised him they would go to Ealdor together one day.
He lowers his gaze to his hands. He doesn’t lift his gaze when Arthur walks towards him. When Arthur’s lips press gently against his forehead. Merlin simply closes his eyes and clenches his hands into trembling fists.
When a soft thud echoes through the armory, he doesn’t give it any importance, he can’t when Arthur is so close that his magic sings.
*
On a sunny, chilly afternoon a few days later, Merlin is alone in the workshop, intent on bottling the salve he and Gaius prepared the previous night when the door opens and closes behind him. He doesn’t need to turn to know that it’s Gwaine, he would recognize his scent everywhere.
“Hey.”
Gwaine doesn’t answer and that’s when Merlin turns. The knight is standing there, biting his lower lip, his eyes hooded and dark.
“Is something wrong?”
“You never said it back to me.”
For an instant Merlin truly doesn’t understand what Gwaine is saying but then realization grips him hard. He doesn’t know what to answer to that.
“You didn’t say it back; I should have seen why.”
Merlin’s throat feels too tight and dry; Gwaine can’t possibly know about what Arthur and he have done, right?
“W-What do you mean?”
Gwaine lifts his gaze and looks straight at him. To see the pain and the longing on his beautiful features breaks something inside of Merlin. He has never wanted to hurt anyone and yet he has done just so, and to the one person who has always been by his side, loyal and caring.
“You can’t love me back, Merlin. Isn’t that the problem?”
Merlin opens and closes his mouth before taking a deep breath. His lungs seem too small to work properly.
“I’m sorry, Gwaine. I am truly sorry.”
And he isn’t sure for what he is apologizing, if it is because he can’t love him back or because he betrayed him.
Gwaine passes a hand through his hair.
“The worst part is that I know that you are. Whom you love is not something you chose.”
“Gwaine…”
The knight lifts his hand and Merlin swallows back another apology.
“Did you ever tell him?”
Merlin’s heart is beating like a drum, slamming against his bones so hard that Merlin wouldn’t be surprised if they broke.
“Whom?”
“Arthur…I saw the two of you in the armory the other day. So, did you at least tell him?”
Merlin shakes his head, because it’s the truth, he has never told Arthur what he feels.
Gwaine’s voice is slightly broken at the edges when he speaks again.
“Did you two…”
Merlin focuses his gaze on the wooden floor and nods. The worst thing is that even though he feels horrible for having done this to Gwaine, he knows that he would do the same thing if he had the possibility to go back in time. Arthur is…Arthur is everything and Merlin hates himself for not having realized before now that there couldn’t be space for anyone else. Even if he can’t have Arthur, the other man will always take up all the space inside his stupid, little heart.
“I am so sorry, Gwaine. I…there can’t be anything between me and him, but I shouldn’t have done this to you.”
Tears are sliding down his cheeks when he finally manages to lift his gaze. Gwaine is looking at him, tears in his own eyes, a small sad smile on his face.
“I guess that’s it, then. I…I think I need a bit of time to…”
Merlin nods, wishing he could reach out and hug Gwaine but knowing all too well that he isn’t allowed to do it anymore.
“Of course. Just…for all that it’s worth know that I am sorry. You deserve someone who loves you and not someone as horrible as me.”
Gwaine shakes his head.
“I can’t forgive you right now, Merlin. You know that…but know that you’re not horrible at all. If anything you’re too bright to be true.”
Gwaine turns and closes the door behind his back. Merlin curls on himself, sobs making him tremble. That’s what he gets for having denied what lives and breathes inside of him for so long.
*
In front of Arthur and of the other knights, he tries hard not to seem too broken. Gwaine never stands too close to him and tries not to speak to him unless it’s strictly necessary, but at least he isn’t insulting him in front of everyone. But then again that isn’t something that someone as pure and honest as Gwaine would do.
If Arthur notices that something is different he doesn’t say anything and Merlin doesn’t know if he should be relieved or disappointed about it.
///
Arthur is reading some papers at his desk when someone knocks on the door. His stomach twists at the thought that it might be Merlin. He has been sadder lately, his shoulders always slumped, his eyes less bright than they usually are. It makes him worry.
“Come on in.”
His heart plummets to the bottom of his ribcage as the one who enters the room is Gwaine. The knight bows slightly, his features set in a frown. Arthur tilts his head to the side.
“Is there something wrong, Gwaine?”
“I just wanted to talk to you about something.”
Arthur motions for him to sit down and waits for the other man to do so before he speaks again.
“You can talk to me about anything.”
“It’s about Merlin.”
Arthur hopes Gwaine hasn’t noticed the way his breath just got stuck in his lungs.
“What about him?”
“We are no longer together.”
Something fresh seems to slide over Arthur’s skin, a sweet relief he almost instantly feels guilty of.
“I’m sorry to hear that, Gwaine.”
“And I know about the two of you.”
Arthur is positively sure that his blood has frozen.
“Gwaine, I…”
“Arthur, I truly don’t want to hear it. I just came because I knew that Merlin wouldn’t tell you, but I thought you needed to know it. And even though I might not be in a position to ask such a thing after what you two have done…I still care about him, I always will, so don’t break him. Don’t you dare break him.”
Arthur nods and looks numbly as Gwaine stands, bows and exits the room.
*
That night when Gwen comes to wish him a goodnight he holds onto her a bit tighter than usual, wishing that her warmth could chase away the coldness that has settled into his bones at the thought that Merlin is free now. Only he probably won’t ever be free to mend Merlin’s heart or his own.
*
Arthur doesn’t tell Merlin that he knows. He allows himself to tug a very surprised Merlin in a hug a few days later, though. Merlin stiffens in his arms but Arthur holds him until the other man relaxes.
He gently sways them on the spot, before he lets go, his heart beating too hard and his cheeks feeling hotter.
Merlin doesn’t say anything, he simply flashes him a small smile that makes Arthur’s heart melt just so.
*
The news of Mercian troops mulling too close to the Eastern borders doesn’t come as a surprise. After all the relationship between the two kingdoms started to deteriorate months ago.
Arthur spends hours holed up in the council’s room with his father and his advisors, trying to figure out which course of action would be better. They decide to try a diplomatic contact at first. When the messenger they sent comes back battered and with the news that the Mercian army has already reached the Darkling Woods, they all know that they don’t have a choice anymore.
This is the first time since Arthur was born, that Camelot is directly under attack and there’s no way he can deny how terrified he is about it. It’s something that has started to grow inside of him - only recently this love for his people, this need to protect them no matter what.
Arthur knows all too well that this is his opportunity to prove that he is the prince they have wanted him to become. One who would sacrifice his life for them, to bring them happiness and safety. He wonders if Merlin would be proud of him.
But there’s no time to reach out for him. Hours are spent training and studying plans of the city, trying to understand which spots are more vulnerable and where it’s more likely that the Mercian soldiers will hit. Troops have been deployed in the plain surrounding the city; some of the knights slept there the night before.
There’s a constant thrumming inside Arthur. He doesn’t know if it’s the worry, the excitement or the fact that this is what his destiny is supposed to look like.
*
When it’s announced that the Mercian army will be there the following day at dawn, something heavy closes around Arthur’s heart. He knows that things could go wrong, that the majority of his knights have just come out of apprenticeship. Above all he knows that he has too much to lose if the Mercians were to win. He isn’t surprised when the thought that hurts him the most is that he could lose Merlin.
///
Outside it’s dark and a pale moon shines over an almost deserted town when Merlin stands in front of Arthur’s chambers. A small blade of light spills from underneath the closed door and he shakes his head, because it’s just like Arthur to remain awake, probably vibrating with energy, when instead he needs to rest and prepare himself.
He takes a deep breath and knocks. The sound rings too high in his own ears. Without waiting to hear an answer he pushes the door open and looks inside. Arthur is sitting at his desk, his back to the door. Sometimes Merlin wishes his magic could help him read Arthur’s mind, to always have the right words to say, the right gestures to sooth.
“I hoped you’d come.”
Arthur’s voice slides over him as warm water, slips under his skin and caresses his bones.
“You know that I could never leave you alone before a battle.”
Arthur chuckles, a small and frail sound.
“I know. Remember that time when you ran in the courtyard and the guards wouldn’t let you pass?”
Merlin passes a hand through his hair. Everything had been so much easier back then.
“Yes, I remember.”
Arthur finally turns, his eyes alight with something Merlin cannot place. It makes him think that there’s so much inside of Arthur, shining right under the surface of his skin. He would gladly get lost inside of him.
“Would you…would you remain here tonight, Merlin?”
And there’s so much pressing need behind those words, too much unknown laying ahead of them for Merlin to refuse. Indeed he doesn’t know if he could ever be able to deny something to Arthur. He nods and a small, watery smile stretches Arthur’s lips.
They’re careful, light touches and gentle kisses, trying not to break each other more than they already have. Arthur’s hands run over Merlin’s ribs and his magic follows them; it’s different from when Gwaine used to touch him. It leaves Merlin trembling, his breath stuttering in his lungs as he looks up at Arthur. The look of devotion on Arthur’s face makes his heart quiver. Right in this moment, with the warmth of Arthur’s naked body covering him, Merlin knows that he is completely in love with his prince. He closes his eyes and buries his face in the crook of Arthur’s neck as Arthur presses gentle kisses to the shell of his ear.
“Merlin, I need…”
Merlin nods, there’s no need for words between them, not now.
“I’ve never done this, though…”
The worried expression on Arthur’s features makes him feel warm all over. If possible his heart beats even faster, reveling in Arthur’s affection.
“I’ll guide you.”
Arthur’s hand is trembling in his own as Merlin pours ointment on his fingers and guides them to his entrance. As Arthur carefully pushes a first finger inside Merlin is sure that something has just liquefied inside of him and is sloshing around his organs, mixing with his magic.
When Arthur has stretched him open, Merlin halts the movements of his hand, a gentle smile on his lips.
“I should turn over. It’s going to be easier.”
Arthur nods and Merlin has barely the time to turn on his hands and knees before Arthur is encircling him with his arms. Merlin closes his eyes against the overwhelming sensation that comes from being held like this by him. A sensation he has only dreamt of so far, precious and unattainable. But now it’s real and it takes Merlin’s breath away.
The moment Arthur starts to press in, everything fades around Merlin, there’s only Arthur’s breath caressing his ear and the feeling of being filled. His magic thrashes around, confused as a lost bird, before it settles in a hot knot right behind Merlin’s sternum.
“A-Arthur…”
Arthur presses a kiss to the side of his neck as he pushes himself all the way in. It burns and it’s perfect. When Arthur finally starts to move, Merlin can’t prevent the low moan that rolls up his throat and past his lips. Arthur’s arms squeeze him tighter as Arthur starts moving faster.
Merlin can hear nothing except the blood rushing in his ears and the sound of their bodies slapping together. It should be obscene; it’s beautiful instead.
“Why can’t you be mine, Merlin?”
Arthur’s voice is broken as the moan that follows his words.
Merlin grips the sheets tighter, as though it could help him to keep himself together. His lungs are on fire and his whole body is trembling as Arthur moves inside of him.
“I am yours, Arthur. I will always be, no matter what.”
Arthur presses a wet kiss between his shoulder blades as he covers him, skin against skin, warm pants against his nape.
“I love you.”
Merlin comes with a cry, his eyes filled with tears. Arthur’s own tears falling on the bare skin of his shoulder.
As they lie in Arthur’s bed, waiting for the dawn to come and for the battle to begin, Merlin lets his fingers trace unknown letters on Arthur’s damp skin.
“I love you too. My heart is in your hands. It has always been.”
Arthur presses a gentle kiss to the point where his jaw meets his neck.
“I’ll never let go of it.”
In that moment, their legs tangled together and their feelings curled between them, it doesn’t feel like a promise, it feels like the truth.
*
Merlin wakes up at the sound of sheets rustling. The room is immersed in the pale, weak light of dawn. He lets his arm reach out and his fingers brush against Arthur’s wrist.
“I guess it’s time, then?”
Arthur simply leans down and presses a kiss to his forehead.
*
“There’s no way I am going to remain here at the castle, Arthur!”
“Merlin, this is an order!”
“I’m not going to stay behind a wall why you are risking your life, Arthur! I want to fight by your side!”
Arthur looks at him and Merlin holds his gaze, his magic thumping underneath his skin.
“I…Alright, Merlin. But, please, don’t let them kill you. I couldn’t…”
Merlin reaches up, cupping Arthur’s cheek, his thumb tracing the line of his cheekbone.
“I won’t. Don’t worry.”
Chapter 5/b