bbc merlin| The things we've had (won't fade away)
Title: The things we've had (won't fade away)
Author: ca_te
Pairing: Merlin/Arthur (side Arthur/Gwen)
Genre: Angst, Romance, Canon Au
Rating: R
Notes: this is a sequel to This flame that won't die and Impossible to fight. Takes place during episodes 12 and 13 of season 4.
Cause, I built a home
for you
for me
Until it disappeared
from me
from you
(To build a home- The Cinematic Orchestra)
To have Arthur’s will in his hands makes Merlin feel vulnerable because he could make Arthur do anything. But he couldn’t make him answer the love that has been growing inside himself like ivy, squeezing his heart and not letting go. Arthur could make love to him and hold him at night but his heart could never be completely Merlin’s.
To hear Arthur say that he is sorry about his manners, to see that soft innocent glint in his eyes makes something warm twirl inside of him and he knows that he can’t allow himself to be weak and have these thoughts when Arthur is his to protect.
*
To fight by Arthur ‘s side makes his blood thrill and his magic unfurl. It’s in these moments that he knows that if he were to leave Arthur’s side he would never feel alive again. Even if it means longing and desire, it also means seeing him grow into a magnificent king, it means being his friend and confident and maybe it is enough.
*
To know that Arthur thinks people whom he cares for hate him breaks Merlin’s heart. He wants nothing more than wrapping his arms around Arthur and holding him close. To make him understand that he is special, that no one could hate him, that he loves him. He can’t, though; he is free to touch Arthur only when they’re tangled together on the king’s bed.
His love cannot exist behind the chamber’s doors or outside of his loyal heart.
But then Arthur is looking at him with glossy eyes, thanking him for his support and the small flame of hope burns right at the centre of Merlin’s heart; the desire to kiss his king so strong that he can almost feel it pressing against his ribcage. He swallows it all down, though, Arthur doesn’t need his love as much as he needs his support, and he’ll see Gwen again once in Ealdor.
Merlin turns quickly, tears threatening to fall. He wishes he could be stronger.
*
He sees how he hugs her, holds onto her as though she is a lifeline and something breaks again inside of him. He wonders if this will ever stop, this pain, this desire to be the one to be held like that. It hits him like a punch, the thought that now that they might be back together he’ll lose what he and Arthur have shared while she was away. It probably wasn’t anything more than sex, but it was the only thing that he could have and he had treasured it. A sob blossoms from somewhere deep inside of him at the thought that Arthur will never be inside of him again, that he will not come pressing their lips together anymore.
Then Agravaine and his men are attacking them and there’s no time for his feelings, he has to save all of them, he has to help Arthur.
*
When Arthur stops him before he goes back to keep Agravaine from reaching them , Merlin’s heart stills. Arthur’s hand is warm and firm around his wrist; he sees concern clear in Arthur’s eyes and he wonders if Arthur is thinking about that they’ve had too. It hurts that he cannot kiss him goodbye or good luck.; it hurts to leave him, but he has no choice.
*
He doesn’t hesitate, even though it means laying himself bare in front of Agravaine, even though it means revealing his identity. Something burns inside of him when Agravaine talks about him having deceived Arthur- he knows it is true, he knows Arthur would feel betrayed, but his love for him is too big, too cumbersome, and he would take all of Arthur’s hate if it meant being able to protect him and his kingdom.
As Agravaine’s body hits the floor, a shiver runs down Merlin’s spine. He wishes Arthur could be there, by his side.
The galleries seem to close on him, his heart squeezed by the longing to the point that it hurts. But then Arthur is standing in front of him and something dilates inside of Merlin. He almost doesn’t want to allow himself to think that Arthur has come back to look for him. His breath stutters in his lungs when Arthur admits it. When those words leave Arthur’s mouth- “I can’t bear to lose you”- Merlin feels as though someone has lit his blood up, it rushes along his veins and he can’t prevent smiling. Then Arthur is closing off again, and Merlin wonders if he felt it too, that sparkle trying to get stronger between them.
*
He wants to be the one to comfort Arthur after Tristan’s harsh words, but he lets Gwen go. He chews at his lower lip until he draws blood in the effort of keeping this insane jealousy at bay.
When his moment comes at night, he sits beside Arthur and patiently listens to him. It hurts to see him so broken, so unsure about himself. He wants nothing more than making him understand how special he is.
*
“You are special.”
He tries to put everything behind those three words, all of his devotion, all of his love. He lets his magic softly uncurl; he can’t use it just yet so he simply lets it twirl around Arthur’s ankles, warm and reassuring, even though Arthur can’t feel it.
He knows there are tears in his eyes as he speaks, as he talks about their shared future. His heart warms up as Arthur responds to him, believing in his words. It’s then that he lets his magic free, to help Arthur see the light.
*
He doesn’t hesitate to tell Arthur that he would ride to the mouth of hell for him, because it’s the truth. He tries not to think too much about the sparkle in Arthur’s eyes. He can’t bring himself to hope, he can’t focus on himself when they all have to fight to free Camelot.
*
“I believe in you. I’ve always had.”
He hopes that his words don’t betray him, because he has done so much more than believing in Arthur. He has loved him as he hadn’t loved anyone before, as he probably will never love anyone else. And when he overhears Gwen telling Arthur that she has never stopped loving him, he wants to scream at the world that his heart has always been in Arthur’s hands- his to throw away.
*
His heart is heavy in his chest as he sees Tristan crying, as he sees Arthur looking at Gwen as though she is the only thing that he could never lose.
*
He is blowing off the candles for the night when Arthur tells him that he is going to marry Gwen. Merlin feels frozen, because this is it- this is when his stupid hope is going to be crashed for the days to come and he still can’t bring himself to let go.
He looks at Arthur but he doesn’t find the words. There’s no way he could say that he is happy when everything is hurting and he can’t tell Arthur that he loves him neither. Then the shadow of something crosses Arthur’s face; Merlin blinks, confused.
“Come here, please.”
And Merlin goes, as he has always done and will always do.
Arthur’s hand is warm when he cups his cheek, running his thumb over Merlin’s cheekbone.
“I’m sorry, Merlin.”
Merlin looks right into his eyes and it’s then that he sees it- the longing in Arthur’s eyes, the affection.
He closes his eyes, because to discover all of this when it has to end is too cruel. He wants to say so many things- that he understands, that it hurts like hell, that he will never forget those nights- he remains silent.
“Merlin, look at me.”
And Merlin does. He doesn’t regret it when Arthur leans forward and presses a soft kiss on his lips. It tastes like memories and like goodbyes. It makes Merlin want to stop time forever.
Arthur removes his clothes gently, leaving feather-like kisses over his skin and Merlin fights to remember how to breathe.
When Arthur speaks his voice is almost a whisper.
“Merlin, I…I wish I could…but…I…I love her, you see?”
Merlin closes his eyes- the combination of Arthur’s gaze and his hands skimming over his ribs simply too much.
“Arthur…can I ask you something?”
Arthur presses their foreheads together; their lips almost brushing as they speak.
“Yes…”
And Merlin knows that it is stupid, but he needs to know.
“If…if we were born in another time, if things were different…”
Arthur presses their lips together briefly.
“Yes, Merlin… I would never let you go.”
Merlin swallows around the lump in his throat.
“Then…then let’s pretend and hold me.”
They move together, skin sliding against skin, lips searching and cheeks wet with tears- Merlin doesn’t know if his or Arthur’s anymore.
He comes and whispers Arthur’s name like a prayer; Arthur kisses him as to say that he accepts it.
Then morning comes and Merlin wakes to find that Arthur is holding his hand in his sleep. Merlin takes a deep breath before gently slipping his hand away. The stone floor is cold against his feet as he picks up his clothes.
*
Merlin shouts “long live the queen” with everyone else, but his eyes are on Arthur. He takes in his smile, his bright azure eyes and remembers the words he said that night few days before, the way Arthur had moved slow and deep inside of him.
He looks at Arthur and for an instant their gazes lock- it’s then that Merlin understands. He understands that he will never have him, in this life time, because Arthur will never let go of Gwen. But if a small part of Arthur has remained planted inside of him, after that night he is sure that Arthur holds a part of him too.
He hopes that Arthur will cherish it, until the right life time for them will come.
Author: ca_te
Pairing: Merlin/Arthur (side Arthur/Gwen)
Genre: Angst, Romance, Canon Au
Rating: R
Notes: this is a sequel to This flame that won't die and Impossible to fight. Takes place during episodes 12 and 13 of season 4.
Cause, I built a home
for you
for me
Until it disappeared
from me
from you
(To build a home- The Cinematic Orchestra)
To have Arthur’s will in his hands makes Merlin feel vulnerable because he could make Arthur do anything. But he couldn’t make him answer the love that has been growing inside himself like ivy, squeezing his heart and not letting go. Arthur could make love to him and hold him at night but his heart could never be completely Merlin’s.
To hear Arthur say that he is sorry about his manners, to see that soft innocent glint in his eyes makes something warm twirl inside of him and he knows that he can’t allow himself to be weak and have these thoughts when Arthur is his to protect.
*
To fight by Arthur ‘s side makes his blood thrill and his magic unfurl. It’s in these moments that he knows that if he were to leave Arthur’s side he would never feel alive again. Even if it means longing and desire, it also means seeing him grow into a magnificent king, it means being his friend and confident and maybe it is enough.
*
To know that Arthur thinks people whom he cares for hate him breaks Merlin’s heart. He wants nothing more than wrapping his arms around Arthur and holding him close. To make him understand that he is special, that no one could hate him, that he loves him. He can’t, though; he is free to touch Arthur only when they’re tangled together on the king’s bed.
His love cannot exist behind the chamber’s doors or outside of his loyal heart.
But then Arthur is looking at him with glossy eyes, thanking him for his support and the small flame of hope burns right at the centre of Merlin’s heart; the desire to kiss his king so strong that he can almost feel it pressing against his ribcage. He swallows it all down, though, Arthur doesn’t need his love as much as he needs his support, and he’ll see Gwen again once in Ealdor.
Merlin turns quickly, tears threatening to fall. He wishes he could be stronger.
*
He sees how he hugs her, holds onto her as though she is a lifeline and something breaks again inside of him. He wonders if this will ever stop, this pain, this desire to be the one to be held like that. It hits him like a punch, the thought that now that they might be back together he’ll lose what he and Arthur have shared while she was away. It probably wasn’t anything more than sex, but it was the only thing that he could have and he had treasured it. A sob blossoms from somewhere deep inside of him at the thought that Arthur will never be inside of him again, that he will not come pressing their lips together anymore.
Then Agravaine and his men are attacking them and there’s no time for his feelings, he has to save all of them, he has to help Arthur.
*
When Arthur stops him before he goes back to keep Agravaine from reaching them , Merlin’s heart stills. Arthur’s hand is warm and firm around his wrist; he sees concern clear in Arthur’s eyes and he wonders if Arthur is thinking about that they’ve had too. It hurts that he cannot kiss him goodbye or good luck.; it hurts to leave him, but he has no choice.
*
He doesn’t hesitate, even though it means laying himself bare in front of Agravaine, even though it means revealing his identity. Something burns inside of him when Agravaine talks about him having deceived Arthur- he knows it is true, he knows Arthur would feel betrayed, but his love for him is too big, too cumbersome, and he would take all of Arthur’s hate if it meant being able to protect him and his kingdom.
As Agravaine’s body hits the floor, a shiver runs down Merlin’s spine. He wishes Arthur could be there, by his side.
The galleries seem to close on him, his heart squeezed by the longing to the point that it hurts. But then Arthur is standing in front of him and something dilates inside of Merlin. He almost doesn’t want to allow himself to think that Arthur has come back to look for him. His breath stutters in his lungs when Arthur admits it. When those words leave Arthur’s mouth- “I can’t bear to lose you”- Merlin feels as though someone has lit his blood up, it rushes along his veins and he can’t prevent smiling. Then Arthur is closing off again, and Merlin wonders if he felt it too, that sparkle trying to get stronger between them.
*
He wants to be the one to comfort Arthur after Tristan’s harsh words, but he lets Gwen go. He chews at his lower lip until he draws blood in the effort of keeping this insane jealousy at bay.
When his moment comes at night, he sits beside Arthur and patiently listens to him. It hurts to see him so broken, so unsure about himself. He wants nothing more than making him understand how special he is.
*
“You are special.”
He tries to put everything behind those three words, all of his devotion, all of his love. He lets his magic softly uncurl; he can’t use it just yet so he simply lets it twirl around Arthur’s ankles, warm and reassuring, even though Arthur can’t feel it.
He knows there are tears in his eyes as he speaks, as he talks about their shared future. His heart warms up as Arthur responds to him, believing in his words. It’s then that he lets his magic free, to help Arthur see the light.
*
He doesn’t hesitate to tell Arthur that he would ride to the mouth of hell for him, because it’s the truth. He tries not to think too much about the sparkle in Arthur’s eyes. He can’t bring himself to hope, he can’t focus on himself when they all have to fight to free Camelot.
*
“I believe in you. I’ve always had.”
He hopes that his words don’t betray him, because he has done so much more than believing in Arthur. He has loved him as he hadn’t loved anyone before, as he probably will never love anyone else. And when he overhears Gwen telling Arthur that she has never stopped loving him, he wants to scream at the world that his heart has always been in Arthur’s hands- his to throw away.
*
His heart is heavy in his chest as he sees Tristan crying, as he sees Arthur looking at Gwen as though she is the only thing that he could never lose.
*
He is blowing off the candles for the night when Arthur tells him that he is going to marry Gwen. Merlin feels frozen, because this is it- this is when his stupid hope is going to be crashed for the days to come and he still can’t bring himself to let go.
He looks at Arthur but he doesn’t find the words. There’s no way he could say that he is happy when everything is hurting and he can’t tell Arthur that he loves him neither. Then the shadow of something crosses Arthur’s face; Merlin blinks, confused.
“Come here, please.”
And Merlin goes, as he has always done and will always do.
Arthur’s hand is warm when he cups his cheek, running his thumb over Merlin’s cheekbone.
“I’m sorry, Merlin.”
Merlin looks right into his eyes and it’s then that he sees it- the longing in Arthur’s eyes, the affection.
He closes his eyes, because to discover all of this when it has to end is too cruel. He wants to say so many things- that he understands, that it hurts like hell, that he will never forget those nights- he remains silent.
“Merlin, look at me.”
And Merlin does. He doesn’t regret it when Arthur leans forward and presses a soft kiss on his lips. It tastes like memories and like goodbyes. It makes Merlin want to stop time forever.
Arthur removes his clothes gently, leaving feather-like kisses over his skin and Merlin fights to remember how to breathe.
When Arthur speaks his voice is almost a whisper.
“Merlin, I…I wish I could…but…I…I love her, you see?”
Merlin closes his eyes- the combination of Arthur’s gaze and his hands skimming over his ribs simply too much.
“Arthur…can I ask you something?”
Arthur presses their foreheads together; their lips almost brushing as they speak.
“Yes…”
And Merlin knows that it is stupid, but he needs to know.
“If…if we were born in another time, if things were different…”
Arthur presses their lips together briefly.
“Yes, Merlin… I would never let you go.”
Merlin swallows around the lump in his throat.
“Then…then let’s pretend and hold me.”
They move together, skin sliding against skin, lips searching and cheeks wet with tears- Merlin doesn’t know if his or Arthur’s anymore.
He comes and whispers Arthur’s name like a prayer; Arthur kisses him as to say that he accepts it.
Then morning comes and Merlin wakes to find that Arthur is holding his hand in his sleep. Merlin takes a deep breath before gently slipping his hand away. The stone floor is cold against his feet as he picks up his clothes.
*
Merlin shouts “long live the queen” with everyone else, but his eyes are on Arthur. He takes in his smile, his bright azure eyes and remembers the words he said that night few days before, the way Arthur had moved slow and deep inside of him.
He looks at Arthur and for an instant their gazes lock- it’s then that Merlin understands. He understands that he will never have him, in this life time, because Arthur will never let go of Gwen. But if a small part of Arthur has remained planted inside of him, after that night he is sure that Arthur holds a part of him too.
He hopes that Arthur will cherish it, until the right life time for them will come.