bbc merlin| Too many streets, too many names (Part 2/2)
Merlin walked back to the kitchens without even realising where he was going. His legs moved on autopilot, as his brain was too busy replaying the moments he just spent with Arthur. It was weird how it seemed like something new when just a few months before it had been the normalcy of their relationship, if their relationship could have ever been called normal.
Somehow it felt as though everything inside of him had slotted into the right place; he felt lighter, finally. But then, as it had already happened many times since he woke up, memories of Gwaine’s lips blossomed in his mind, so vivid and traitorous.
The thing was that Merlin really cared for the knight, he really did, and he wouldn’t be lying if he said that he had thought about being with him; but on the other hand…,on the other hand there was Arthur, and that summed it all up. Arthur with his strength and his frailty, Arthur whom Merlin had learnt to respect; Arthur who seemed to have stolen Merlin’s heart without any intention of giving it back.
Merlin deliberately hit hard the wall on his left after he had exited the kitchen. He grunted in pain, but he didn’t really care. What he was focused on was the fact that he had to do something or the whole situation would drive him crazy.
As he was crossing the courtyard heading for the market, a thought crossed his mind. He wondered if his only option was to choose between the two of them, between his friend and his destiny. He knew it was childish and selfish, but he couldn’t help it. What he felt for the two men was clearly different, but both of them were important to him, so important that he actually couldn’t imagine his life without them.
For the rest of the day he carefully tried to avoid Gwaine, or at least to avoid being alone with him. Not because he didn’t want to be close to the other man, but because he didn’t trust himself enough and he knew that he would probably end up doing things without thinking.
At practice he sat on a bench on the left side of the field, trying to focus on the swords twirling and on the recruits moving around, but Arthur’s voice cut through it all, as Gwaine’s smooth movements seemed to shine among the ones of the other knights. Merlin groaned with frustration and was about to get up to go and have a walk to calm his nerves when someone stepped right in front of him. He lifted his gaze and something inside of him trembled, surprised, at the sight of Arthur, standing there, concern evident in his eyes.
“Is everything alright, Merlin?”
What Merlin wanted to say was: “No I’m not alright, because having you so close again makes me feel all wrong!”, but what came out was a broken “y-yes.” And, really, Merlin knew that he wasn’t supposed to be staring at Arthur like that, but what could he do? Arthur must have realised that something was off, though, because he quirked an eyebrow and took hold of Merlin’s elbow, pulling him up on his feet.
“Arthur? What…”
Arthur didn’t seem to listen. He told Sir Leon that he was in charge for the rest of the practice and dragged Merlin towards the armoury.
Inside the building it was warmer; it smelt of leather and polishing oil. Merlin looked at Arthur as he closed the door and turned around.
“Arthur? Why did you drag me in here?”
Arthur shook his head slightly; Merlin couldn’t help but notice the way the candle light caught in the gold of his hair.
“Because you weren’t telling the truth out there.”
Hearing Arthur speaking about truth made painful memories come back, memories of nights spent awake, wondering if Arthur would ever forgive him. Merlin swallowed hard; his heart felt heavy at the thought that he would have to lie to Arthur again, because what could he say? “No I didn’t tell the truth, because the truth is that I’m in love with you?”
“W-What do you mean?”
Arthur sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers.
“What I mean is that I don’t believe that you’re alright, Merlin. And maybe you could stop lying to me, you idiot!”
Merlin opened and closed his mouth. It probably was one of the first times Arthur had ever been so open with him. It touched something deep inside Merlin and he felt his magic moving inside, as if it was responding to what Arthur had just said.
“I…Arthur...”
A shiver ran up Merlin’s spine as the prince took a step closer and the tension between them became so strong that he could feel the hair on his arms rising. Then, Arthur’s hands were warm and gentle on his shoulders.
“Merlin, look…I know I’ve been an…idiot. I’ve put all this stupid distance between us and…I promise I’ll try harder.”
Merlin stood there hopeless, looking straight into Arthur’s sincere eyes. He realised that he had never wanted to kiss the other man as much as he wanted to now. When Arthur leaned a bit closer, Merlin was sure that his heart had stopped working and all he could do was hold his breath. Arthur squeezed his shoulders gently before speaking.
“Please, let’s start again.”
Merlin felt his throat grow tighter; he never dared hope that Arthur would ask him something like that. He was almost afraid that if he spoke, everything would be less real; maybe he was dreaming it after all. So he simply nodded. Arthur’s brilliant smile made him ache with the desire to reach out and pull him closer.
Merlin took a deep breath; it got lost in his lungs, though, when Arthur pulled him into a hug. He fought the desire to lean into the touch, but in the end he closed his eyes and hid his face against Arthur’s neck for a brief moment. It felt so right, but then Arthur was backing away, his cheeks redder and Merlin had to let go.
They walked back to the field side by side. Merlin kept stumbling because he was trying to look at Arthur from out of the corner of his eye.
*
Gwaine kept walking back and forth, as the others went on with the practicing. He had already forced three recruits to surrender and Sir Leon had told him that he had to cool off.
When Arthur dragged Merlin away, for an instant Gwaine thought to follow them but, despite what he felt for Merlin, he was aware that he couldn’t step in between him and Arthur. If someone asked him why, he wouldn’t have been able to give a proper answer; it was simply that he could feel how tight the bond between them was, even though he couldn’t understand it. He probably never would.
Moreover Arthur was his prince, his future king. He had learnt to respect him, to accept his stubbornness, to admire his bravery. He understood how much Arthur needed Merlin by his side, probably more than Arthur himself did.
He passed a hand through his hair and took in a deep breath; the cold air burnt down his throat. He wished he could let go. As he saw Arthur and Merlin walking towards the field, he understood that he couldn’t. He knew that it might sound stupid, but he wanted to be part of something with Merlin, and, well, it was crystal clear that being with Merlin meant sharing this something with Arthur.
That night after dinner at the tavern with the other knights, he went to look for Merlin. It was still early and he knew that the other man was probably still attending Arthur and the King at dinner. He waited patiently near the kitchens, hoping that sooner or later Merlin would come down there to fetch more wine or food.
As he had imagined, it didn’t take long before the other man turned the corner, carrying a heavy-looking tray. Gwaine had spent enough time with Merlin to notice the way he held his head higher and the way he seemed somehow lighter. It hurt a bit to think that it was because of Arthur, but it also felt a bit like relief, because it was good to know that Merlin was feeling better, that he hadn’t lost Arthur.
Merlin’s eyes grew wider as he spotted him and Gwaine quickly raised a hand to stop him from talking, to stop him from worrying. Merlin took a few steps closer. Gwaine smiled at the concerned expression Merlin was wearing; it was nice to know that the other man was worried about him.
“I think you should drop the tray first.”
Merlin quickly glanced down; when he lifted his gaze, he was grinning. The sight made Gwaine feel warm all over.
When Merlin came out of the kitchens they walked a bit down the corridor, till they reached a small alcove. Gwaine could tell that Merlin was nervous; he kept picking the hem of his shirt without saying a word. He swallowed and hesitantly brought his hand up to rest on Merlin’s cheek. The other man took in breath sharply but didn’t move.
“Look, Merlin….I don’t want you to be worried about me. To be…scared.”
Merlin shook his head; his hair brushed against Gwaine’s palm and the knight couldn’t help but smile.
“I could never be scared of you, Gwaine. Never. That’s not the point…the fact is…”
“I know. I can’t ask you to choose. You simply can’t and I understand that.”
He watched as Merlin opened and closed his mouth. He knew he had been right from the shadow in the other man’s eyes.
“But…”
Gwaine took a step towards Merlin, slightly pressing him against the stone wall.
“It’s alright, Merlin. “
And he knew he truly meant it, because it was alright to share Merlin with Arthur if that meant having Merlin, kissing him, loving him. If the man to whom Merlin was tied was Arthur, well it was something that Gwaine could accept because he was the prince, because he already shone brighter than anyone else.
“I could never…I could never ask you that, Gwaine. I…I really like you, you know that…but that doesn’t mean I can…”
Gwaine shook his head and leaned down until his lips were almost brushing against Merlin’s, his heart beating like a drum in his ribcage.
“I’m the one telling you that it’s alright. “
He closed the distance between them and kissed Merlin, feeling as if he might explode because of the force of what he was feeling for this man, because he had never given himself up completely to anyone else.
When they broke apart, breathing heavily, Gwaine simply looked into Merlin’s eyes, as if all the answers to the mysteries of the world could be found there.
*
Merlin blinked, trying to clear his thoughts over the thundering sound his blood was making. He briefly wondered how it was possible for Gwaine to do this to him, to turn him into a puddle of want and longing. But he had to talk, to clear things up, he needed to.
“Gwaine, I...are you sure?”
The knight nodded and Merlin swallowed.
“But…you know that…I won’t be able to stop feeling…that way for Arthur, right? Even though there’s nothing between me and him, I…”
Gwaine chuckled and Merlin felt even more confused than he already had.
“What…why are you laughing?”
Gwaine looked straight at him and Merlin felt his knees tremble under the intensity of his gaze.
“I’m laughing because you’re so oblivious sometimes, Merlin. Between you and Arthur…what exists between the two of you…it’s not nothing at all. I’d say it’s everything.”
As Gwaine stepped back Merlin leaned forward, trying to stop him, not only because he wanted the other man to be close, but also because having him there would have meant not having to think about what he had just said. Gwaine gently pushed him back, though, a soft expression in his hazel eyes.
“Don’t worry, Merlin. I’ll be here. I’ll always be. Just…just go and talk to him.”
Merlin watched as he turned and quickly walked towards the end of the corridor. He felt cold and lost; slumping against the wall, all he could think about was that he hoped that Gwaine was right. That things could turn out to be okay, even though now they simply seemed a huge, unsolvable mess.
Days passed. Merlin kept sharing his free time with Gwaine, but he also went back to spending a lot of his time with Arthur, accompanying him out to hunt or on patrol. It felt a bit like the old days, except that it wasn’t. Now Arthur knew about his magic, now Arthur seemed to have accepted it. Now Merlin understood that he would never be able to erase what he felt for Arthur. He had tried and he had failed. Gwaine’s words had made him understand that.
Sometimes it was exhausting, this constant feeling of being pulled towards the prince; sometimes Merlin almost wished he could let go and get lost in Arthur’s orbit. Instead he waited, standing on the edge, until he couldn’t take it anymore.
It was a sunny day, even though it was the middle of February and still cold. Merlin woke up with the feeling of Gwaine’s lips on his still lingering. They had been doing this for a while, simply kissing when the day came to an end, holding each other, waiting. It was weird, because all Merlin wanted was to be free to nurse these feelings, but at the same time he knew that it wouldn’t work without Arthur, that he wouldn’t work without him. He sighed and pressed the heel of his hands against his eyelids.
While he was getting ready to go and fetch the prince’s breakfast, he suddenly remembered what he had dreamt about. He had dreamt about Arthur, about them walking along a path, through fields and hills and cities, without stopping, hand in hand. He swallowed the lump that formed in his throat and pushed the door of his room opened.
“It was about time you woke up!”
Merlin lifted his gaze and stopped dead in his tracks.
“Arthur? What…what are you doing here?”
He quickly scanned the room to see if Gaius was there, but the old man was nowhere to be seen. When he focussed on Arthur again, the other man was looking at the floor as he shifted his weight from one leg to the other. Merlin took a tentative step forward; he was taken aback when Arthur lifted his gaze.
“I’ve got to talk to you, Merlin.”
*
Arthur had thought about it, night and day; the more he and Merlin went back to how it used to be, the more he became certain that he had to tell the other man what he felt. It was nonsense to keep it all inside when it was so big it made his ribcage hurt with the effort to contain it. After the umpteenth night spent dreaming of golden eyes and ink-black hair, he had decided he had had enough.
Standing in front of Merlin, though, was a completely different story; he couldn’t help the way his whole body seemed to tremble at the edges. To finally be so close to the truth made scared him.
When the words left his mouth, he knew he had to go on until the end. He took a deep breath before turning and motioning Merlin to follow him. He walked in silence, without turning back; the sound of Merlin’s boots against the floor was enough to let him know that the other man was following. It was hard to hear that small sound, though, over the rushing of his blood and the twisting of his thoughts.
He stopped only when they reached the bastions. There wasn’t a proper reason why he had chosen that place to finally open himself up to Merlin. Maybe it was because they had shared many moments together there, standing under the walls of the castle, under the blue cover of the sky. Moments spent trying to convey something deep and precious without succeeding; every time it had ended up with a joke or a half-hug and all the important things had been left buried deep inside. But not this time. This time it would be different, it needed to be different.
Merlin stood there, right in front of him, the light of the sun splashing all around him, making him look like one of those statues Arthur had seen inside churches; so beautiful to seem untouchable.
“Merlin…”
He had simply said the other’s name and already had the feeling he had poured all of his heart into it.
“Arthur…is everything alright?”
Arthur nodded; he knew he had to blurt it all out, otherwise they would end up talking about nothing, circling the matter without reaching it as they had done so many times over the years.
“No…it isn’t.”
Alright, maybe that hadn’t been the best start, because Merlin’s eyes were filled with concern.
“What has happened? You can tell me, you know that.”
Arthur took a deep breath and shook his head.
“Let me start again…the thing is…lately things haven’t been alright, because…because of you and of me and…God, I’m not good at this but…what I want to say is that…”
Sighing in frustration, he cursed his stupid brain. Merlin was still standing there, all big blue eyes and questions and Arthur could think of only one way to answer them.
Hoping that he hadn’t gotten everything wrong he slowly moved closer, stopping when he heard Merlin’s breath hitching. He looked into the other man’s eyes but what he saw wasn’t fear or shock; what he saw there was something that mirrored what he knew was probably twirling in his own eyes. He gently closed the distance between them.
It was the first time he had ever kissed Merlin, even though he had spent years wondering how it would feel and hating himself for both having these thoughts and for not having the courage to find out.
Well, kissing Merlin felt like floating, or at least how Arthur imagined floating would feel. Merlin’s fingers were warm when he cupped Arthur’s face; the prince leant into the touch without a second thought.
*
To have Arthur’s strong arms around him, to have his lips against his own, felt surreal. The only thing that made Merlin sure that it was really happening was the way his magic slammed against his ribcage as the prince ran his tongue over his lower lip.
Kissing Arthur made the whole world disappear; every single thought was blown away, except for Gwaine. It didn’t feel wrong , though, to want to kiss both of them, to want to share his heart with them. They were like the sun and the moon and Merlin couldn’t help loving them both.
When Arthur pulled back for air, Merlin kept him close, pressing their foreheads together.
“I…I never dared to hope that you could feel the same as me.”
Arthur smiled, one of those soft and secret smiles that he rarely showed to other people.
“The same goes for me, Merlin.”
“But, what about the magic? And you’re the prince, I…”
“Shh. Me being the prince doesn’t have anything to do with us, and your magic, well…it just makes you even more special.”
Merlin felt lighter than he had ever felt; he hadn’t realised how much he had needed to hear those words. Once again his thoughts went to Gwaine, though, to his kindness and to his strength. He knew that now Arthur and he had somehow shifted closer, maybe things could start to work properly for all of them. Maybe people who looked at them from outside wouldn’t be able to understand the meaning of it all, how deep their affection for each other ran, but Merlin didn’t find any reason to care about what others could think.
*
Gwaine looked at the two men sitting on his bed; he wasn’t surprised when he felt warmth spreading through him at the sight of their smiles. In the end, he had known for a while now, what he felt for Merlin was so much more than friendship and what he felt for Arthur was more than respect.
It started slowly, just shy tentative touches. He had been used to touching Merlin by now, at least cupping his face and carding his fingers through black hair. Touching Arthur, though, was a completely different story. At the beginning he simply covered the prince’s hand with his own as he kissed Merlin. He couldn’t help to think that Arthur’s skin was soft, to wonder how it would feel to press his lips over the pulse point of the other man’s wrist.
Watching Merlin kissing Arthur was at the same time strange and beautiful, but what made Gwaine’s heart jump inside his chest was the feeling of Arthur’s fingers squeezing back. They had never touched like that, so openly and freely; it made Gwaine’s blood boil with desire.
When Merlin and Arthur broke apart, Merlin shifted on the mattress until he was kneeling beside Gwaine, whispering in his ear.
“You can…you can kiss him if you want, Gwaine.”
The knight turned and looked right inside the other man’s blue eyes; Merlin smiled gently at him before leaning forward and pressing a soft kiss to his cheek.
Then Merlin was shifting farther up the bed, resting his back against the wall, and Gwaine was left staring at Arthur. The prince’s hair was tousled, his eyes seemed more azure than ever. As he had done so many times in his life, he decided to follow what his heart and his instinct were yelling at him to do. He leaned forward, his eyes searching Arthur’s face, looking for a hint of what he was feeling, of what he wanted. Arthur smiled before moving closer, until their noses were almost brushing.
“I would have thought you were more…straightforward, Gwaine.”
The knight grinned, as Arthur’s low voice made a shiver ran down his spine.
“The same goes for you, sire.”
Arthur took him by surprise closing the gap and pressing their lips together firmly. The first thought that crossed Gwaine’s mind was that Arthur kissed as he fought; all precision and energy. It made heat pool at the bottom of his stomach. When they broke the kiss for air a smile played on the prince’s lips.
“It’s Arthur to you.”
Gwaine’s laughter mixed with Merlin’s.
*
Arthur shivered as Merlin’s gentle hands removed his tunic. Being undressed by the other man wasn’t something new, and yet this time it was completely different. He could swear that he felt Merlin’s magic pouring into him as the warlock trailed his fingertips over his nipples and down his stomach.
Gwaine’s hands were different from Merlin’s; they were bigger and somehow heavier. They made something tremble inside of him; they made him become harder as Merlin’s teeth grazing at his neck. It was overwhelming, and Arthur let himself go, abandoned himself to it, feeling more free and happier than ever.
To see Merlin naked, looking up at him with those eyes of his, made Arthur’s heart skip a beat. Over the rushing sound of blood in his ears he silently thanked whatever deity was up there, because he couldn’t believe that such an incredible creature wanted to be kissed, to be touched, to be loved by him.
And then there were Gwaine’s strong arms around his waist, Gwaine’s firm lips trailing kisses down his spine. Arthur would have never believed that one day he could be drawn in so much by the mystery that was his knight. Or that he would be so turned on by the sight of Gwaine tracing Merlin’s lips with his tongue, pressing their naked bodies together as if they were meant to be a single being.
Having Gwaine’s hands touching him where no other man had ever touched him before, made something derail inside of Arthur and all that he could do was moaning and drowning even more in Merlin’s kisses. He felt as if he was rolling through fire, his skin hot and his heart beating like a drum.
*
Merlin closed his eyes and tried to remember how to breathe. It hurt, but having Arthur inside of him made him want to cry because of how much it meant, because of how his magic responded to it, roaring along his veins.
He smiled as Gwaine gently guided Arthur; the knight’s kindness and devotion made his heart swell. When Arthur had slid all the way inside of him, Merlin took a deep breath and opened his eyes. Both Arthur and Gwaine were looking at him, their eyes almost shining in the half-light of the candles. It made him feel as if he were the centre of the world.
“I love you.”
The words slipped over his tongue, but he knew he didn’t need to explain they were meant for the both of them. Gwaine smiled before leaning down and kissing him. Arthur moved slowly inside of him, just a little, before whispering “I love you too, Merlin.”
It was perfect.
As Arthur started moving inside of him, everything around Merlin seemed to disappear-the sheets, the bed, the room- everything except for Gwaine. They kept their gazes locked as Arthur moved inside of him and Gwaine touched himself. As Merlin arched his back, meeting Arthur’s thrusts one by one, he couldn’t help to think that the two men were beautiful, that they were all he could ever desire.
When Arthur came deep inside of him, Merlin’s magic erupted, flowing through and out of him, splashing over their naked bodies.
As the prince was carefully sliding out of him, Merlin brushed their lips together.
“I…I’ll always be yours, Arthur.”
It was barely a whisper but Arthur smiled and Merlin felt as if he was bathing in warm light.
*
Entering Merlin felt like nothing he had ever experienced in his whole life. Feeling the warmth that Arthur had left inside of the other man didn’t feel strange; it felt perfect instead.
“I knew you had something special hidden inside of you, Merl.”
Merlin smiled up at him in between pants.
As they moved together, Gwaine couldn’t tear his eyes away from Merlin’s face, from his mouth, open as he moaned, from his eyes, shining with affection and lust tangled together.
They came together. Gwaine felt as if white fire was creeping through his bones.
And even though he knew that nothing could be as strong as what Merlin and Arthur had, even though he knew that what Merlin felt for Arthur ran somehow deeper, and was so powerful that he wouldn’t be surprised if it could transcend time, he felt happy because he could have them both in his life.
*
Their breathing calmed down, as their beating hearts did. But they remained there, their limbs tangled together. They didn’t say anything; they simply lay there, as sleep slowly took them, as Merlin’s magic kept caressing them through the night.
The End
Somehow it felt as though everything inside of him had slotted into the right place; he felt lighter, finally. But then, as it had already happened many times since he woke up, memories of Gwaine’s lips blossomed in his mind, so vivid and traitorous.
The thing was that Merlin really cared for the knight, he really did, and he wouldn’t be lying if he said that he had thought about being with him; but on the other hand…,on the other hand there was Arthur, and that summed it all up. Arthur with his strength and his frailty, Arthur whom Merlin had learnt to respect; Arthur who seemed to have stolen Merlin’s heart without any intention of giving it back.
Merlin deliberately hit hard the wall on his left after he had exited the kitchen. He grunted in pain, but he didn’t really care. What he was focused on was the fact that he had to do something or the whole situation would drive him crazy.
As he was crossing the courtyard heading for the market, a thought crossed his mind. He wondered if his only option was to choose between the two of them, between his friend and his destiny. He knew it was childish and selfish, but he couldn’t help it. What he felt for the two men was clearly different, but both of them were important to him, so important that he actually couldn’t imagine his life without them.
For the rest of the day he carefully tried to avoid Gwaine, or at least to avoid being alone with him. Not because he didn’t want to be close to the other man, but because he didn’t trust himself enough and he knew that he would probably end up doing things without thinking.
At practice he sat on a bench on the left side of the field, trying to focus on the swords twirling and on the recruits moving around, but Arthur’s voice cut through it all, as Gwaine’s smooth movements seemed to shine among the ones of the other knights. Merlin groaned with frustration and was about to get up to go and have a walk to calm his nerves when someone stepped right in front of him. He lifted his gaze and something inside of him trembled, surprised, at the sight of Arthur, standing there, concern evident in his eyes.
“Is everything alright, Merlin?”
What Merlin wanted to say was: “No I’m not alright, because having you so close again makes me feel all wrong!”, but what came out was a broken “y-yes.” And, really, Merlin knew that he wasn’t supposed to be staring at Arthur like that, but what could he do? Arthur must have realised that something was off, though, because he quirked an eyebrow and took hold of Merlin’s elbow, pulling him up on his feet.
“Arthur? What…”
Arthur didn’t seem to listen. He told Sir Leon that he was in charge for the rest of the practice and dragged Merlin towards the armoury.
Inside the building it was warmer; it smelt of leather and polishing oil. Merlin looked at Arthur as he closed the door and turned around.
“Arthur? Why did you drag me in here?”
Arthur shook his head slightly; Merlin couldn’t help but notice the way the candle light caught in the gold of his hair.
“Because you weren’t telling the truth out there.”
Hearing Arthur speaking about truth made painful memories come back, memories of nights spent awake, wondering if Arthur would ever forgive him. Merlin swallowed hard; his heart felt heavy at the thought that he would have to lie to Arthur again, because what could he say? “No I didn’t tell the truth, because the truth is that I’m in love with you?”
“W-What do you mean?”
Arthur sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers.
“What I mean is that I don’t believe that you’re alright, Merlin. And maybe you could stop lying to me, you idiot!”
Merlin opened and closed his mouth. It probably was one of the first times Arthur had ever been so open with him. It touched something deep inside Merlin and he felt his magic moving inside, as if it was responding to what Arthur had just said.
“I…Arthur...”
A shiver ran up Merlin’s spine as the prince took a step closer and the tension between them became so strong that he could feel the hair on his arms rising. Then, Arthur’s hands were warm and gentle on his shoulders.
“Merlin, look…I know I’ve been an…idiot. I’ve put all this stupid distance between us and…I promise I’ll try harder.”
Merlin stood there hopeless, looking straight into Arthur’s sincere eyes. He realised that he had never wanted to kiss the other man as much as he wanted to now. When Arthur leaned a bit closer, Merlin was sure that his heart had stopped working and all he could do was hold his breath. Arthur squeezed his shoulders gently before speaking.
“Please, let’s start again.”
Merlin felt his throat grow tighter; he never dared hope that Arthur would ask him something like that. He was almost afraid that if he spoke, everything would be less real; maybe he was dreaming it after all. So he simply nodded. Arthur’s brilliant smile made him ache with the desire to reach out and pull him closer.
Merlin took a deep breath; it got lost in his lungs, though, when Arthur pulled him into a hug. He fought the desire to lean into the touch, but in the end he closed his eyes and hid his face against Arthur’s neck for a brief moment. It felt so right, but then Arthur was backing away, his cheeks redder and Merlin had to let go.
They walked back to the field side by side. Merlin kept stumbling because he was trying to look at Arthur from out of the corner of his eye.
*
Gwaine kept walking back and forth, as the others went on with the practicing. He had already forced three recruits to surrender and Sir Leon had told him that he had to cool off.
When Arthur dragged Merlin away, for an instant Gwaine thought to follow them but, despite what he felt for Merlin, he was aware that he couldn’t step in between him and Arthur. If someone asked him why, he wouldn’t have been able to give a proper answer; it was simply that he could feel how tight the bond between them was, even though he couldn’t understand it. He probably never would.
Moreover Arthur was his prince, his future king. He had learnt to respect him, to accept his stubbornness, to admire his bravery. He understood how much Arthur needed Merlin by his side, probably more than Arthur himself did.
He passed a hand through his hair and took in a deep breath; the cold air burnt down his throat. He wished he could let go. As he saw Arthur and Merlin walking towards the field, he understood that he couldn’t. He knew that it might sound stupid, but he wanted to be part of something with Merlin, and, well, it was crystal clear that being with Merlin meant sharing this something with Arthur.
That night after dinner at the tavern with the other knights, he went to look for Merlin. It was still early and he knew that the other man was probably still attending Arthur and the King at dinner. He waited patiently near the kitchens, hoping that sooner or later Merlin would come down there to fetch more wine or food.
As he had imagined, it didn’t take long before the other man turned the corner, carrying a heavy-looking tray. Gwaine had spent enough time with Merlin to notice the way he held his head higher and the way he seemed somehow lighter. It hurt a bit to think that it was because of Arthur, but it also felt a bit like relief, because it was good to know that Merlin was feeling better, that he hadn’t lost Arthur.
Merlin’s eyes grew wider as he spotted him and Gwaine quickly raised a hand to stop him from talking, to stop him from worrying. Merlin took a few steps closer. Gwaine smiled at the concerned expression Merlin was wearing; it was nice to know that the other man was worried about him.
“I think you should drop the tray first.”
Merlin quickly glanced down; when he lifted his gaze, he was grinning. The sight made Gwaine feel warm all over.
When Merlin came out of the kitchens they walked a bit down the corridor, till they reached a small alcove. Gwaine could tell that Merlin was nervous; he kept picking the hem of his shirt without saying a word. He swallowed and hesitantly brought his hand up to rest on Merlin’s cheek. The other man took in breath sharply but didn’t move.
“Look, Merlin….I don’t want you to be worried about me. To be…scared.”
Merlin shook his head; his hair brushed against Gwaine’s palm and the knight couldn’t help but smile.
“I could never be scared of you, Gwaine. Never. That’s not the point…the fact is…”
“I know. I can’t ask you to choose. You simply can’t and I understand that.”
He watched as Merlin opened and closed his mouth. He knew he had been right from the shadow in the other man’s eyes.
“But…”
Gwaine took a step towards Merlin, slightly pressing him against the stone wall.
“It’s alright, Merlin. “
And he knew he truly meant it, because it was alright to share Merlin with Arthur if that meant having Merlin, kissing him, loving him. If the man to whom Merlin was tied was Arthur, well it was something that Gwaine could accept because he was the prince, because he already shone brighter than anyone else.
“I could never…I could never ask you that, Gwaine. I…I really like you, you know that…but that doesn’t mean I can…”
Gwaine shook his head and leaned down until his lips were almost brushing against Merlin’s, his heart beating like a drum in his ribcage.
“I’m the one telling you that it’s alright. “
He closed the distance between them and kissed Merlin, feeling as if he might explode because of the force of what he was feeling for this man, because he had never given himself up completely to anyone else.
When they broke apart, breathing heavily, Gwaine simply looked into Merlin’s eyes, as if all the answers to the mysteries of the world could be found there.
*
Merlin blinked, trying to clear his thoughts over the thundering sound his blood was making. He briefly wondered how it was possible for Gwaine to do this to him, to turn him into a puddle of want and longing. But he had to talk, to clear things up, he needed to.
“Gwaine, I...are you sure?”
The knight nodded and Merlin swallowed.
“But…you know that…I won’t be able to stop feeling…that way for Arthur, right? Even though there’s nothing between me and him, I…”
Gwaine chuckled and Merlin felt even more confused than he already had.
“What…why are you laughing?”
Gwaine looked straight at him and Merlin felt his knees tremble under the intensity of his gaze.
“I’m laughing because you’re so oblivious sometimes, Merlin. Between you and Arthur…what exists between the two of you…it’s not nothing at all. I’d say it’s everything.”
As Gwaine stepped back Merlin leaned forward, trying to stop him, not only because he wanted the other man to be close, but also because having him there would have meant not having to think about what he had just said. Gwaine gently pushed him back, though, a soft expression in his hazel eyes.
“Don’t worry, Merlin. I’ll be here. I’ll always be. Just…just go and talk to him.”
Merlin watched as he turned and quickly walked towards the end of the corridor. He felt cold and lost; slumping against the wall, all he could think about was that he hoped that Gwaine was right. That things could turn out to be okay, even though now they simply seemed a huge, unsolvable mess.
Days passed. Merlin kept sharing his free time with Gwaine, but he also went back to spending a lot of his time with Arthur, accompanying him out to hunt or on patrol. It felt a bit like the old days, except that it wasn’t. Now Arthur knew about his magic, now Arthur seemed to have accepted it. Now Merlin understood that he would never be able to erase what he felt for Arthur. He had tried and he had failed. Gwaine’s words had made him understand that.
Sometimes it was exhausting, this constant feeling of being pulled towards the prince; sometimes Merlin almost wished he could let go and get lost in Arthur’s orbit. Instead he waited, standing on the edge, until he couldn’t take it anymore.
It was a sunny day, even though it was the middle of February and still cold. Merlin woke up with the feeling of Gwaine’s lips on his still lingering. They had been doing this for a while, simply kissing when the day came to an end, holding each other, waiting. It was weird, because all Merlin wanted was to be free to nurse these feelings, but at the same time he knew that it wouldn’t work without Arthur, that he wouldn’t work without him. He sighed and pressed the heel of his hands against his eyelids.
While he was getting ready to go and fetch the prince’s breakfast, he suddenly remembered what he had dreamt about. He had dreamt about Arthur, about them walking along a path, through fields and hills and cities, without stopping, hand in hand. He swallowed the lump that formed in his throat and pushed the door of his room opened.
“It was about time you woke up!”
Merlin lifted his gaze and stopped dead in his tracks.
“Arthur? What…what are you doing here?”
He quickly scanned the room to see if Gaius was there, but the old man was nowhere to be seen. When he focussed on Arthur again, the other man was looking at the floor as he shifted his weight from one leg to the other. Merlin took a tentative step forward; he was taken aback when Arthur lifted his gaze.
“I’ve got to talk to you, Merlin.”
*
Arthur had thought about it, night and day; the more he and Merlin went back to how it used to be, the more he became certain that he had to tell the other man what he felt. It was nonsense to keep it all inside when it was so big it made his ribcage hurt with the effort to contain it. After the umpteenth night spent dreaming of golden eyes and ink-black hair, he had decided he had had enough.
Standing in front of Merlin, though, was a completely different story; he couldn’t help the way his whole body seemed to tremble at the edges. To finally be so close to the truth made scared him.
When the words left his mouth, he knew he had to go on until the end. He took a deep breath before turning and motioning Merlin to follow him. He walked in silence, without turning back; the sound of Merlin’s boots against the floor was enough to let him know that the other man was following. It was hard to hear that small sound, though, over the rushing of his blood and the twisting of his thoughts.
He stopped only when they reached the bastions. There wasn’t a proper reason why he had chosen that place to finally open himself up to Merlin. Maybe it was because they had shared many moments together there, standing under the walls of the castle, under the blue cover of the sky. Moments spent trying to convey something deep and precious without succeeding; every time it had ended up with a joke or a half-hug and all the important things had been left buried deep inside. But not this time. This time it would be different, it needed to be different.
Merlin stood there, right in front of him, the light of the sun splashing all around him, making him look like one of those statues Arthur had seen inside churches; so beautiful to seem untouchable.
“Merlin…”
He had simply said the other’s name and already had the feeling he had poured all of his heart into it.
“Arthur…is everything alright?”
Arthur nodded; he knew he had to blurt it all out, otherwise they would end up talking about nothing, circling the matter without reaching it as they had done so many times over the years.
“No…it isn’t.”
Alright, maybe that hadn’t been the best start, because Merlin’s eyes were filled with concern.
“What has happened? You can tell me, you know that.”
Arthur took a deep breath and shook his head.
“Let me start again…the thing is…lately things haven’t been alright, because…because of you and of me and…God, I’m not good at this but…what I want to say is that…”
Sighing in frustration, he cursed his stupid brain. Merlin was still standing there, all big blue eyes and questions and Arthur could think of only one way to answer them.
Hoping that he hadn’t gotten everything wrong he slowly moved closer, stopping when he heard Merlin’s breath hitching. He looked into the other man’s eyes but what he saw wasn’t fear or shock; what he saw there was something that mirrored what he knew was probably twirling in his own eyes. He gently closed the distance between them.
It was the first time he had ever kissed Merlin, even though he had spent years wondering how it would feel and hating himself for both having these thoughts and for not having the courage to find out.
Well, kissing Merlin felt like floating, or at least how Arthur imagined floating would feel. Merlin’s fingers were warm when he cupped Arthur’s face; the prince leant into the touch without a second thought.
*
To have Arthur’s strong arms around him, to have his lips against his own, felt surreal. The only thing that made Merlin sure that it was really happening was the way his magic slammed against his ribcage as the prince ran his tongue over his lower lip.
Kissing Arthur made the whole world disappear; every single thought was blown away, except for Gwaine. It didn’t feel wrong , though, to want to kiss both of them, to want to share his heart with them. They were like the sun and the moon and Merlin couldn’t help loving them both.
When Arthur pulled back for air, Merlin kept him close, pressing their foreheads together.
“I…I never dared to hope that you could feel the same as me.”
Arthur smiled, one of those soft and secret smiles that he rarely showed to other people.
“The same goes for me, Merlin.”
“But, what about the magic? And you’re the prince, I…”
“Shh. Me being the prince doesn’t have anything to do with us, and your magic, well…it just makes you even more special.”
Merlin felt lighter than he had ever felt; he hadn’t realised how much he had needed to hear those words. Once again his thoughts went to Gwaine, though, to his kindness and to his strength. He knew that now Arthur and he had somehow shifted closer, maybe things could start to work properly for all of them. Maybe people who looked at them from outside wouldn’t be able to understand the meaning of it all, how deep their affection for each other ran, but Merlin didn’t find any reason to care about what others could think.
*
Gwaine looked at the two men sitting on his bed; he wasn’t surprised when he felt warmth spreading through him at the sight of their smiles. In the end, he had known for a while now, what he felt for Merlin was so much more than friendship and what he felt for Arthur was more than respect.
It started slowly, just shy tentative touches. He had been used to touching Merlin by now, at least cupping his face and carding his fingers through black hair. Touching Arthur, though, was a completely different story. At the beginning he simply covered the prince’s hand with his own as he kissed Merlin. He couldn’t help to think that Arthur’s skin was soft, to wonder how it would feel to press his lips over the pulse point of the other man’s wrist.
Watching Merlin kissing Arthur was at the same time strange and beautiful, but what made Gwaine’s heart jump inside his chest was the feeling of Arthur’s fingers squeezing back. They had never touched like that, so openly and freely; it made Gwaine’s blood boil with desire.
When Merlin and Arthur broke apart, Merlin shifted on the mattress until he was kneeling beside Gwaine, whispering in his ear.
“You can…you can kiss him if you want, Gwaine.”
The knight turned and looked right inside the other man’s blue eyes; Merlin smiled gently at him before leaning forward and pressing a soft kiss to his cheek.
Then Merlin was shifting farther up the bed, resting his back against the wall, and Gwaine was left staring at Arthur. The prince’s hair was tousled, his eyes seemed more azure than ever. As he had done so many times in his life, he decided to follow what his heart and his instinct were yelling at him to do. He leaned forward, his eyes searching Arthur’s face, looking for a hint of what he was feeling, of what he wanted. Arthur smiled before moving closer, until their noses were almost brushing.
“I would have thought you were more…straightforward, Gwaine.”
The knight grinned, as Arthur’s low voice made a shiver ran down his spine.
“The same goes for you, sire.”
Arthur took him by surprise closing the gap and pressing their lips together firmly. The first thought that crossed Gwaine’s mind was that Arthur kissed as he fought; all precision and energy. It made heat pool at the bottom of his stomach. When they broke the kiss for air a smile played on the prince’s lips.
“It’s Arthur to you.”
Gwaine’s laughter mixed with Merlin’s.
*
Arthur shivered as Merlin’s gentle hands removed his tunic. Being undressed by the other man wasn’t something new, and yet this time it was completely different. He could swear that he felt Merlin’s magic pouring into him as the warlock trailed his fingertips over his nipples and down his stomach.
Gwaine’s hands were different from Merlin’s; they were bigger and somehow heavier. They made something tremble inside of him; they made him become harder as Merlin’s teeth grazing at his neck. It was overwhelming, and Arthur let himself go, abandoned himself to it, feeling more free and happier than ever.
To see Merlin naked, looking up at him with those eyes of his, made Arthur’s heart skip a beat. Over the rushing sound of blood in his ears he silently thanked whatever deity was up there, because he couldn’t believe that such an incredible creature wanted to be kissed, to be touched, to be loved by him.
And then there were Gwaine’s strong arms around his waist, Gwaine’s firm lips trailing kisses down his spine. Arthur would have never believed that one day he could be drawn in so much by the mystery that was his knight. Or that he would be so turned on by the sight of Gwaine tracing Merlin’s lips with his tongue, pressing their naked bodies together as if they were meant to be a single being.
Having Gwaine’s hands touching him where no other man had ever touched him before, made something derail inside of Arthur and all that he could do was moaning and drowning even more in Merlin’s kisses. He felt as if he was rolling through fire, his skin hot and his heart beating like a drum.
*
Merlin closed his eyes and tried to remember how to breathe. It hurt, but having Arthur inside of him made him want to cry because of how much it meant, because of how his magic responded to it, roaring along his veins.
He smiled as Gwaine gently guided Arthur; the knight’s kindness and devotion made his heart swell. When Arthur had slid all the way inside of him, Merlin took a deep breath and opened his eyes. Both Arthur and Gwaine were looking at him, their eyes almost shining in the half-light of the candles. It made him feel as if he were the centre of the world.
“I love you.”
The words slipped over his tongue, but he knew he didn’t need to explain they were meant for the both of them. Gwaine smiled before leaning down and kissing him. Arthur moved slowly inside of him, just a little, before whispering “I love you too, Merlin.”
It was perfect.
As Arthur started moving inside of him, everything around Merlin seemed to disappear-the sheets, the bed, the room- everything except for Gwaine. They kept their gazes locked as Arthur moved inside of him and Gwaine touched himself. As Merlin arched his back, meeting Arthur’s thrusts one by one, he couldn’t help to think that the two men were beautiful, that they were all he could ever desire.
When Arthur came deep inside of him, Merlin’s magic erupted, flowing through and out of him, splashing over their naked bodies.
As the prince was carefully sliding out of him, Merlin brushed their lips together.
“I…I’ll always be yours, Arthur.”
It was barely a whisper but Arthur smiled and Merlin felt as if he was bathing in warm light.
*
Entering Merlin felt like nothing he had ever experienced in his whole life. Feeling the warmth that Arthur had left inside of the other man didn’t feel strange; it felt perfect instead.
“I knew you had something special hidden inside of you, Merl.”
Merlin smiled up at him in between pants.
As they moved together, Gwaine couldn’t tear his eyes away from Merlin’s face, from his mouth, open as he moaned, from his eyes, shining with affection and lust tangled together.
They came together. Gwaine felt as if white fire was creeping through his bones.
And even though he knew that nothing could be as strong as what Merlin and Arthur had, even though he knew that what Merlin felt for Arthur ran somehow deeper, and was so powerful that he wouldn’t be surprised if it could transcend time, he felt happy because he could have them both in his life.
*
Their breathing calmed down, as their beating hearts did. But they remained there, their limbs tangled together. They didn’t say anything; they simply lay there, as sleep slowly took them, as Merlin’s magic kept caressing them through the night.
The End