bbc merlin| As a forgotten continent (Part 5/b)
Merlin feels as if unknown fingers are squeezing his heart tightly. The crystal is suddenly hot under his fingertips and it’s as if the gem is calling something hidden inside of him. And that something surges and rises, through his bones, through his blood. It rises until it’s overflowing and Merlin feels it spilling out from the tip of his fingers. He can’t do anything except watch as light erupts everywhere. He has never felt so alive and so scared. When the wave subsides he looks at Gaius; he can feel his heart beating fast in his ears.
“G…Gaius…I…”
He wants to ask what the hell that was, but he can’t even articulate his thoughts. He still feels that energy pulsing deep inside of him. He knows that it hasn’t disappeared, that it will remain there as a part of him. As it has always been. He finally lets go of the crystal and he is grateful for Gaius’ arms around him.
“It’s always hard to remember this bit when you have it inside of you.”
“I…I haven’t always had it? And…why, why now…I…”
“Shh, Merlin. Just take a deep breath. I know that it’s confusing but this is what you’re and have always been. You know it and you’ll get accustomed to it again. Believe me.”
And even if it is absurd he knows that Gaius is right; his magic is already becoming a familiar and known presence.
“But…how…what will I do with it?”
“Well, you’ve always been good at hiding it, right?”
Gaius smirks and Merlin feels like smiling after a long time. Then his thoughts drift in Arthur’s direction, as they always do. He looks at his hands.
“And…Arthur? Will he remember?”
He doesn’t look at Gaius, afraid to read an unwanted answer in his eyes.
“Well, I have this feeling that you’re going to find each other also in this life time and…”
“But what do I have to do, I mean, do I have to…”
“You don’t have to tell him anything, Merlin. He has to recollect his memories on his own.”
Merlin bites his lower lip.
“And Gwen and Morgana and…Lance?”
Gaius closes the small box and gets up.
“They don’t always remember and you don’t always meet them all. It’s…it’s hard I know, but destiny follows its own paths and well…”
“Well?”
“You and Arthur are the ones who destiny keeps linked more deeply.”
Merlin can tell that Gaius is careful to touch the topic in the right way.
“Is…is this the first time that we’re born as brothers?”
And now that he has remembered what he and Arthur have shared, what they have felt for each other life after life he can’t help but shiver at the thought of the entity of the obstacle that destiny has decided to put in front of them this time.
Gaius turns and looks at him with concern painted over his features.
“Yes, it’s the first time.”
Merlin nods. Without a second thought he gets up and hugs Gaius.
“Thank you. Thank you because you keep reaching out for me.”
*
When Gaius has gone to bed Merlin sits out on the patio. The air is starting to get warm and he keeps his eyes focused on the darkness surrounding the house. He notices that the buzz has started to fade away but his newly found magic is pressing against the barriers of his control so he lets it flow around. He looks as small balls of azure light start to flow around him.
He thinks that probably people who disembarked on an unknown continent felt like he is feeling right now. He closes his eyes and when he opens them again, there’s Arthur looking at him by a steam in a forest. His armour is shining in the sunlight and his smile makes butterflies flutter around in his stomach. He opens his eyes and realises that he has lived that moment also in this lifetime with his brother Arthur on a summer day of many years ago.
And then it all makes sense, the way his life has always seemed to revolve around his brother no matter what. Even the fact that the first word he had ever said was “Arthur”, as if his soul had been calling out for his half.
Chapter 16- Of ink and skin
The moment he gets off the train in Cardiff he knows that he has to try to stay the more clearheaded that he can. He wants to see Morgana because he just can’t be afraid of her.
When she opens the door Merlin feels his magic curling at the bottom of his stomach. Her eyes are shining and they’re wide and clear. She takes hold of Merlin’s wrist and pulls him inside. She stands there and she looks exactly as the lonely girl whom he met on their first day of theatre lab. She still is the girl who came to him to talk about her first kiss, the girl who has always asked his opinion on her works. He takes a step forward but she takes a step back.
“Morgana? Is there something wrong?”
She lowers her gaze and then Merlin’s magic is tugging at him and he finds himself listening to it. He moves and wraps his arms around Morgana. She tenses up.
“You remember too right?”
Merlin can’t even believe that this is happening but he is sure that he has sensed this right. Morgana presses her face against his chest.
“Merlin I…”
“Shh, it’s alright, I’m here with you…I…am the same as you, Morgana.”
She lifts her gaze and looks at him and Merlin knows that he is not going to leave her, not ever.
“But I…what I did…”
“You’re my friend, Morgana. You’ve been by my side, this means something, I’m not going to forget it.”
Morgana flashes him a watery smile and whispers a thank you.
*
Merlin tries really hard to be strong and surely to have Morgana there helps. But as time passes he needs Arthur more and more. He needs him to know, to share all of this with him. Arthur is still writing to him now and then but not as often as before and Merlin has to fight really hard against the desire to call him.
He knows that he has to break up with Lance. He can’t be with him now that he has started to remember, now that he has understood that there’s no sense in fighting what he feels for his brother. It hurts to see Lance’s expression, the quiet sadness of his brown eyes. He is understanding, as he has always been, he hugs Merlin and tells him that he is sorry if he has done something wrong.
Merlin simply kisses him, for the last time, and whispers against his lips that no, he has been perfect.
*
It happens on an evening. He is lying on his bed listening to some random music. It is as if a brick has just fallen on his stomach. It’s all a rush.
He stood in front of Arthur and he knew that he had thrown his life on the table. He tried to breathe even if he felt as if the other’s gaze was crushing him down. The prince’s irises were hard and shining with something which Merlin couldn’t identify. He hadn’t thought, not when that arrow had been just a bunch of seconds away from Arthur’s heart. They had been alone with no guards, Arthur would be dead if it wasn’t for him. Merlin opened his mouth to speak, but Arthur lifted his hand and he closed it. When Arthur spoke his voice was low and uncertain. Merlin had never heard it before.
“Why? Why, Merlin? You’ve hidden it from me.”
There was hurt under his words, thick and heavy and Merlin wanted to reach out and to kiss him as they had been doing over the last months. But he knew that he couldn’t, he had to wait, hoping that Arthur wouldn’t shut him out, wouldn’t decide to end what had started to grow between them.
“Merlin! You answer to me now or…”
Then Merlin heard it clearly, how broken Arthur’s voice was and he knew that he had to do something to fix it.
“Arthur…I…I was scared for my life. I…I’ve tried to tell you so many times and…”
“Then why you haven’t? You didn’t trust me enough?”
Merlin fisted his hands, feeling rage and magic mix up inside of him.
“I love you, Arthur! Of course I trust you!”
Arthur took a step towards him but then he stopped.
“Then why?”
Merlin moved closer and took Arthur’s hand into his and kept holding it even if Arthur tried to pull away.
“Because I was afraid to die, but I couldn’t leave because my place is here, with you.”
He opens his eyes and the worry doesn’t leave him. He wants to call Arthur to know that he will always love him despite what he has discovered to be. He doesn’t.
*
It’s when the madness of it all verges on “too much” that Merlin decides. He doesn’t even have to spare a minute thinking about it. He needs it to ground himself to reality. Well, he desperately needs Arthur but he can’t call him, not now that his head still seems to be surrounded by a thick fog.
He spends a whole night tossing around as the memories of things which he felt and lived centuries ago keep coming to him and retreating as waves licking at a seashore.
The morning after, he knocks at Morgana’s door. They have helped each other to resist under the assault of memories, to adjust themselves to what they used to be and still are.
Morgana looks at him and quirks an eyebrow.
“Have you had another bad night? You look horrible!”
Merlin flashes a sad smirk in her direction.
“Exactly. And I’ve got a favour to ask you.”
*
It hurts. It reminds him of the wounds he received when he fought by Arthur’s side. It reminds him of Arthur’s wounds, of his scars. Once he had spent the whole morning in the prince’s bed counting and mapping them. It still sounds a bit wrong, because just a few weeks ago he didn’t have such memories.
The needle dips under his skin and Merlin grits his teeth. He needs those words written on him, the pain and the ink soaking his skin are exactly what he needs to keep himself centred. To make him remember who Arthur is to him even without all these memories that keep flooding him from the inside.
Morgana takes his hand as they’re outside of the tattoo parlour. Merlin squeezes her fingers and lets her guide him. His shoulder aches and he can feel his magic pulsing as it works to make it heal faster.
Arthur knows that things can’t go on like this. He can’t spend every day feeling completely disconnected from the world which surrounds him because of flashes of images and words that keep crossing his mind. He has the urge to call Merlin most of the time, but he always manages to stop himself from doing it. What could he say?, “Hey, Merlin. It’s Arthur, I’m going crazy here”?
He spends most of his days on his own, being close to other people makes his head spin. Too many faces are familiar, too many faces are also in his dreams. He has to let Gwen go. She is like fresh air to him but he can’t be with her knowing that he can’t tell her what’s happening, that what is happening is pulling him towards Merlin more and more. And he doesn’t want to stop, he wants to reach the bottom of it. He wants to be with Merlin more than anything else.
*
One day it all becomes too much and Arthur can almost feel the sound of his bones cracking under the weight of it.
He dials Merlin’s number. He leans outside of the window waiting for his brother to answer. When Merlin’s voice comes Arthur is sure that his heart has just stopped working. Everything stills as under a spell. A spell…just like those which Merlin used to make when they were in Camelot, when Arthur was too stupid to see them, when Arthur spent too much time denying his feelings for his manservant.
Arthur thinks that his voice is still the same; that they are still the same. The moment he understands what this all means he hangs up without saying a word. Merlin calls him once, twice. He doesn’t answer. He is too busy trying to regain control of his lungs. He closes his eyes and opens them again on the houses of their street.
He knows who he is. He knows what it means and what he has to do. Part 5/c