bbc merlin| As a forgotten continent (Part 2/b)
For the rest of the day everything seemed to have gone back to normal. Gaius had smiled at them as they had come back, but Merlin had had the sensation of him looking at them from the corner of his eye when he thought that they wouldn’t notice. He brushed it off thinking that maybe he was a bit paranoid.
The days passed slowly and he and Arthur didn’t talk about the kiss. Merlin, though, kept replaying it in his mind over and over, as if he couldn’t get enough and it was scary, scary as hell. But every time, when he thought that he couldn’t manage to think without his head and his heart exploding Arthur would do something oddly reassuring, like circling his shoulders with his arm as they were looking at the starry sky with Gaius babbling about constellations and nebulae. Or like stealing one of Merlin’s scones while they were drinking tea on the patio. It made Merlin feel as if time had made a turn on itself and they were kids again. It made him feel calmer.
One day Gaius had gone to buy groceries in town and Merlin was lying on the carpet in the living room, “The death of King Arthur” opened in front of him. He was chewing at his lower lip in concentration when Arthur had sat down by his side. The smell of soap filled Merlin’s nostrils. He blinked trying to push back the warmth that had started spreading in his stomach.
“Hey what are you reading?”
Merlin simply turned the book so that Arthur could read the title from the front cover. Arthur huffed.
“You’ve never gotten over your crush for fantasy books eh!”
Merlin glared playfully at him.
“This is not a fantasy book, Arthur.”
Arthur shrugged, passing a towel over his still damp hair.
“I’m sure you would like it too.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Want to bet?”
That way Merlin started reading out loud with Arthur sprawled on the carpet, his head resting on the small of Merlin’s back.
When Gaius came back he peered into the living room and saw the two of them. Merlin’s voice was calm and steady, Arthur made some comment now and then and Merlin would simply tell him to be silent and listen.
Gaius felt something gnawing at his old heart. He padded over to the kitchen and as he was putting away the groceries he thought that it was almost painful to see the two of them trapped in the current lifetime as brothers. He had never thought it possible, and yet destiny seemed to have prepared for them one of the most difficult undertakings they had ever faced since the times of Albion.
Arthur had claimed that he needed some fresh air and had gone for a walk. The light of the sunset was floating around Merlin as he sat on the patio reading. He lifted his gaze from the pages as Gaius sat beside him on the swing seat.
“I see that you like Arthurian legends, Merlin.”
Merlin smiled.
“I guess it was to be expected with my name, right?”
Gaius chuckled and Merlin thought that it seemed the sound of stones on a wooden floor.
“I find it extremely interesting how the Merlin and the Arthur of the legends were like two sides of the same coin.”
Gaius’ comment sank deep into Merlin and for a while he didn’t even know what to say. Then Gaius patted his shoulder as to make him understand that there wasn’t the need for him to say anything. It was like this between the two of them, as if they were able to sense each other’s aura. Merlin felt relief washing over him at the thought that he could have another topic of conversation, moving away from the legendary Arthur and Merlin relationship with each other. Talking about that made him feel naked, exposed, even if he didn’t know well why.
“Mmm, uncle, can I ask you something about aura?”
Gaius looked at him with a strange light into his eyes and Merlin felt somehow scrutinized. He swallowed.
“Of course, somehow I knew that sooner or later you would have asked me about it.”
Merlin titled his head to the side.
“Why is that?”
For an instant Gaius seemed to struggle to find the right words. It was weird to see him at a loss of words, but Merlin didn’t think too much about it.
“Because you had always had something special about you, I guess.”
Merlin smiled.
“Oh well I’m nothing special.”
“I beg to differ, Merlin. So what did you want to know?”
Arthur came back when they sky was already dark and found Merlin and Gaius engulfed in some conversation about the energy of things. They greeted him and Arthur felt the urge to kiss Merlin again at the sight of the smile which Merlin flashed in his direction. It made him feel like the centre of the world. And maybe it wasn’t weird that Gaius could talk about powers of the mind and perception of the auras- whatever they were- with Merlin. His younger brother had always been his special kind of magic.
*
The days slipped by faster than he had expected, but he didn’t have the courage to talk to Merlin about their kiss, let alone kiss him again. But he couldn’t help to want the contact, it made him feel peaceful to feel Merlin’s bony shoulders or Merlin’s soft hair under his hand.
One night he dreamt of a long, white shore, of a table in the middle of the sand and of him and Merlin sitting at it, staring into each other’s eyes. When he woke up the morning after he had the strange desire to see the sea reflected into Merlin’s irises.
On their last day at Gaius’ house he asked Merlin if he would like to take the train and go to Church Hougham. Merlin simply said that he would love to see the sea at least once during the summer. And he said it with such longing in his voice, and Arthur knew how much Merlin loved water, that for an instant he had the desire to always be with Merlin, all their life, to bring him to the sea whenever he wanted.
The train was almost empty because it was a Monday afternoon. Merlin had put his headphones into his ears as soon as they were seated and Arthur had tapped on his shoulder. Merlin had pulled one headphone out.
“What?”
Arthur wanted to say that he should be the only thing Merlin could listen to, the only person that Merlin could kiss, but he definitely couldn’t.
“Don’t be selfish, share some love for music.”
Merlin grinned and offered him a headphone.
They got off the train and took a map. Merlin managed to get them lost twice before Arthur took the situation in his hands and they found themselves on a long promenade running along the shore.
“The sea seems a big blue mattress, don’t you think?”
Merlin laughed out loud and Arthur felt proud, because he had managed to make such a precious being as his brother laugh. He didn’t even know when he had started to consider Merlin precious, maybe it had been somewhere in between his readings and that kiss.
Arthur took a look around. No one knew who they were, no one there knew that they were brothers.
He slipped his fingers in between Merlin’s, feeling that that was where they belonged. Merlin looked at him, worried. Arthur simply pulled him along and they walked for a while, the wind caressing their faces and the sun splashing over them.
After a while they reached a small cafeteria. They sat down and had lunch. Merlin scribbled down some thoughts on his ruined Moleskin and Arthur just looked at him writing, hiding the overwhelming affection that he was feeling at the bottom of his mug of coffee and milk.
On their way back to the station he felt as if he had to do it. He took hold of Merlin’s wrist and made him spin around. He searched Merlin’s eyes as if to ask for permission. Merlin’s eyes were calm, the brightness of the water hit by the light had been caught in the disks of his irises. Arthur felt as if he was drowning into them and he did the only thing that made sense.
He kissed Merlin, for the second time. And he felt as if he could live only on that, simply feeling Merlin’s lips and Merlin’s heart beating against his palm. He felt no need for questions or answers.
Merlin sat in the train which was bringing them back to London. Arthur was asleep at his side. He was sad to leave probably the only place where he could share that special kind of intimacy with Arthur. He knew that it was for the better, that it couldn’t do them anything good. Yet he knew that he had never felt so happy as when Arthur kissed him or held his hand. And somewhere inside of him he was sure that it was the same also for Arthur, he could see it in the lines at the corner of Arthur’s eyes when he smiled.
He sighed, not knowing what to expect from the future and let his fingertips brush lightly against the back of Arthur’s hand which had been resting on his right knee since the beginning of the journey. Part 3
The days passed slowly and he and Arthur didn’t talk about the kiss. Merlin, though, kept replaying it in his mind over and over, as if he couldn’t get enough and it was scary, scary as hell. But every time, when he thought that he couldn’t manage to think without his head and his heart exploding Arthur would do something oddly reassuring, like circling his shoulders with his arm as they were looking at the starry sky with Gaius babbling about constellations and nebulae. Or like stealing one of Merlin’s scones while they were drinking tea on the patio. It made Merlin feel as if time had made a turn on itself and they were kids again. It made him feel calmer.
One day Gaius had gone to buy groceries in town and Merlin was lying on the carpet in the living room, “The death of King Arthur” opened in front of him. He was chewing at his lower lip in concentration when Arthur had sat down by his side. The smell of soap filled Merlin’s nostrils. He blinked trying to push back the warmth that had started spreading in his stomach.
“Hey what are you reading?”
Merlin simply turned the book so that Arthur could read the title from the front cover. Arthur huffed.
“You’ve never gotten over your crush for fantasy books eh!”
Merlin glared playfully at him.
“This is not a fantasy book, Arthur.”
Arthur shrugged, passing a towel over his still damp hair.
“I’m sure you would like it too.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Want to bet?”
That way Merlin started reading out loud with Arthur sprawled on the carpet, his head resting on the small of Merlin’s back.
When Gaius came back he peered into the living room and saw the two of them. Merlin’s voice was calm and steady, Arthur made some comment now and then and Merlin would simply tell him to be silent and listen.
Gaius felt something gnawing at his old heart. He padded over to the kitchen and as he was putting away the groceries he thought that it was almost painful to see the two of them trapped in the current lifetime as brothers. He had never thought it possible, and yet destiny seemed to have prepared for them one of the most difficult undertakings they had ever faced since the times of Albion.
Arthur had claimed that he needed some fresh air and had gone for a walk. The light of the sunset was floating around Merlin as he sat on the patio reading. He lifted his gaze from the pages as Gaius sat beside him on the swing seat.
“I see that you like Arthurian legends, Merlin.”
Merlin smiled.
“I guess it was to be expected with my name, right?”
Gaius chuckled and Merlin thought that it seemed the sound of stones on a wooden floor.
“I find it extremely interesting how the Merlin and the Arthur of the legends were like two sides of the same coin.”
Gaius’ comment sank deep into Merlin and for a while he didn’t even know what to say. Then Gaius patted his shoulder as to make him understand that there wasn’t the need for him to say anything. It was like this between the two of them, as if they were able to sense each other’s aura. Merlin felt relief washing over him at the thought that he could have another topic of conversation, moving away from the legendary Arthur and Merlin relationship with each other. Talking about that made him feel naked, exposed, even if he didn’t know well why.
“Mmm, uncle, can I ask you something about aura?”
Gaius looked at him with a strange light into his eyes and Merlin felt somehow scrutinized. He swallowed.
“Of course, somehow I knew that sooner or later you would have asked me about it.”
Merlin titled his head to the side.
“Why is that?”
For an instant Gaius seemed to struggle to find the right words. It was weird to see him at a loss of words, but Merlin didn’t think too much about it.
“Because you had always had something special about you, I guess.”
Merlin smiled.
“Oh well I’m nothing special.”
“I beg to differ, Merlin. So what did you want to know?”
Arthur came back when they sky was already dark and found Merlin and Gaius engulfed in some conversation about the energy of things. They greeted him and Arthur felt the urge to kiss Merlin again at the sight of the smile which Merlin flashed in his direction. It made him feel like the centre of the world. And maybe it wasn’t weird that Gaius could talk about powers of the mind and perception of the auras- whatever they were- with Merlin. His younger brother had always been his special kind of magic.
*
The days slipped by faster than he had expected, but he didn’t have the courage to talk to Merlin about their kiss, let alone kiss him again. But he couldn’t help to want the contact, it made him feel peaceful to feel Merlin’s bony shoulders or Merlin’s soft hair under his hand.
One night he dreamt of a long, white shore, of a table in the middle of the sand and of him and Merlin sitting at it, staring into each other’s eyes. When he woke up the morning after he had the strange desire to see the sea reflected into Merlin’s irises.
On their last day at Gaius’ house he asked Merlin if he would like to take the train and go to Church Hougham. Merlin simply said that he would love to see the sea at least once during the summer. And he said it with such longing in his voice, and Arthur knew how much Merlin loved water, that for an instant he had the desire to always be with Merlin, all their life, to bring him to the sea whenever he wanted.
The train was almost empty because it was a Monday afternoon. Merlin had put his headphones into his ears as soon as they were seated and Arthur had tapped on his shoulder. Merlin had pulled one headphone out.
“What?”
Arthur wanted to say that he should be the only thing Merlin could listen to, the only person that Merlin could kiss, but he definitely couldn’t.
“Don’t be selfish, share some love for music.”
Merlin grinned and offered him a headphone.
They got off the train and took a map. Merlin managed to get them lost twice before Arthur took the situation in his hands and they found themselves on a long promenade running along the shore.
“The sea seems a big blue mattress, don’t you think?”
Merlin laughed out loud and Arthur felt proud, because he had managed to make such a precious being as his brother laugh. He didn’t even know when he had started to consider Merlin precious, maybe it had been somewhere in between his readings and that kiss.
Arthur took a look around. No one knew who they were, no one there knew that they were brothers.
He slipped his fingers in between Merlin’s, feeling that that was where they belonged. Merlin looked at him, worried. Arthur simply pulled him along and they walked for a while, the wind caressing their faces and the sun splashing over them.
After a while they reached a small cafeteria. They sat down and had lunch. Merlin scribbled down some thoughts on his ruined Moleskin and Arthur just looked at him writing, hiding the overwhelming affection that he was feeling at the bottom of his mug of coffee and milk.
On their way back to the station he felt as if he had to do it. He took hold of Merlin’s wrist and made him spin around. He searched Merlin’s eyes as if to ask for permission. Merlin’s eyes were calm, the brightness of the water hit by the light had been caught in the disks of his irises. Arthur felt as if he was drowning into them and he did the only thing that made sense.
He kissed Merlin, for the second time. And he felt as if he could live only on that, simply feeling Merlin’s lips and Merlin’s heart beating against his palm. He felt no need for questions or answers.
Merlin sat in the train which was bringing them back to London. Arthur was asleep at his side. He was sad to leave probably the only place where he could share that special kind of intimacy with Arthur. He knew that it was for the better, that it couldn’t do them anything good. Yet he knew that he had never felt so happy as when Arthur kissed him or held his hand. And somewhere inside of him he was sure that it was the same also for Arthur, he could see it in the lines at the corner of Arthur’s eyes when he smiled.
He sighed, not knowing what to expect from the future and let his fingertips brush lightly against the back of Arthur’s hand which had been resting on his right knee since the beginning of the journey. Part 3