bbc merlin/ Lift me up
Title: Lift me up
Author: ca_te
Pairing: Arthur/Merlin
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance, Fist time
Warnings. References to sex. Unbeta-ed
Notes: written from Arthur's POv
Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin or its characters
Arthur has never asked to become prince, to feel the weight of his future kingdom on his shoulders. He was born with his path already chosen and his destiny already written. He has grown up surrounded by the respect of the members of the court. He has grown up with sword practices and long hours spent by his father’s side during the councils and the visits of delegates from other kingdoms. He hasn’t had a mother; he hasn’t had friends.
Then Merlin has come. Bursting through it all as an explosion of clumsiness and big blue eyes. Merlin has taken him by surprise. Sometimes Arthur tells him so and Merlin simply grins. Arthur keeps trying to deny that Merlin’s smile does something weird to him. It seems to knot up his insides in mysterious way. It crawls under his skin and remains there during the day, keeping him company until he sees it again in the evening when Merlin prepares him for the night.
*
Arthur is taken aback the first time that he realises that he can’t help but think about Merlin as a friend. He spends the night awake, staring at the blue darkness behind his window’s glass. He has never let anyone as close to him as Merlin. Of course he has his knights, but he doesn’t allow them to see his doubts, his uncertainties or to know the small things that make him smile like a child. Merlin knows it all.
This is why when Arthur realises that he has started to look out for Merlin, to get lost following the smooth curve of his neck or of his ears he locks it all inside. He cannot allow it to slip out under the door of his heart. It would mean risking to lose Merlin and Arthur knows that he wouldn’t stand it. It would hurt to lose Merlin’s shiny eyes and his gentle fingers. Losing his jokes and his advises would mean going back to be nothing different from the lonely child that he used to be.
Merlin seems oblivious of the small storm that Arthur has inside of him. He keeps following him around, he keeps being the free spirit that Arthur has come to love. It scares Arthur sometimes, to see how free Merlin is, how pure his energy is, because it means that he could leave and never come back.
Slowly Merlin becomes the axis around which the galaxy of Arthur’s thoughts revolves. He becomes the only thing that lingers in Arthur’s mind as he fights, when all the other thoughts are wiped away by the concentration. It happens the same in battle, and it’s after one battle that Arthur simply can’t keep it all locked inside any more.
*
When the battle is over Arthur takes in the broken flags and the blood over his knight’s robes. He feels as if someone is squeezing his heart. Then he spots Merlin. He is standing beside Gwain, his eyes are big and his cheeks covered in dirt. Something dilates inside of Arthur, something breathes and he doesn’t try to stop his legs as they move on their own accord. He slides his arms around Merlin’s shoulders and pulls him closer until he is pressing his face into Merlin’s hair. He can feel Merlin tensing up. He wish he had hugged him more often. Then Merlin’s hands land on his back and he pushes his nose deeper in the softness of Merlin’s hair. He whispers afraid that the wind and the blood can wash away his words.
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For being still here.”
He has never felt so exposed in his whole life, as if he is standing with his heart naked and opened for the world to see. But his own heart has kept pulling and pulling to burst out of his ribcage and land into Merlin’s hands.
The sky is cold and dark over their heads as they sit in silence in front of Arthur’s tent. The other knights are already sleeping. Most of them have been injured because the battle was hard, but they have fought till the end. Arthur has seen the way their eyes shone with pride and courage. But his thoughts have always been on Merlin. Every lunge and every save he couldn’t help but wonder where Merlin was. His heart and his mind have been full all the time with the hope to that he was alright and with the desire to see him. Now Merlin is by his side, leaning slightly against him, grounding him to reality. For a moment Arthur thinks that he will never lose his path if Merlin is there, he will never get lost looking at the faraway stars. Merlin doesn’t look at him when he speaks.
“W-What did you mean earlier?”
Arthur doesn’t trust his words simply because they couldn’t even try to contain what he feels for the boy standing by his side. He takes hold of Merlin’s hand and doesn’t say a word. Is then that Merlin turns and for an instant Arthur has the weird sensation that his eyes are bigger than the sky. He pulls at Merlin’s hand and the other boy stumbles towards him. Arthur’s heart fills with bubbles the moment his lips touch Merlin’s. They’re soft and warm in the cold air and Arthur wants nothing more than to keep Merlin forever.
The moment he touches Merlin’s skin it feels as if it is his first day on Earth. Touching Merlin, kissing him is as being born again and Arthur lets himself sink into it, drink it all up until his heart is so light that he thinks that it could reach the moon. Merlin is all around him, he is warm and real. When Merlin is sleeping, his head on Arthur’s chest, that Arthur looks at him, at his long eyelashes, at the soft curve of his smile. He knows that he has fallen in love even if it’s the first time that he feels something like this. He doesn’t know where it will lead him, but he knows that he doesn’t want to let go. He can feel his affection growing and he knows that he won’t stop it. He’ll let it grow and lift him up to the moon.