torchwood/ In the circumference of the sky 2/3
Ianto watched as the coffee dripped into the two mugs which he had prepared. Days had passed and he could feel the pain dulling, but it was still there, persistent, hidden between his heart and his lungs. The world kept spinning, people kept living, walking in the Plass above their heads. But it still wasn’t right, it was as if things were slightly out of axis, as if their meanings had disappeared. Same aliens, same routine, and yet Ianto knew that he had lost focus on who he was, on what he was doing there. Many times since he had come back to work he had asked himself why he was still there, why he decided to remain in the same place where he had seen Lisa die. It had frightened him to discover that the answer had been firm and clear under the water of his mind since the beginning. Because he had never understood the world, since when he was a kid and that had been the reason why he had let the flow push him around, why he had left his house after his father’s death, just to wander around in the stomach of London. Without an aim, without a meaning. Till he found Torchwood One and Lisa, and it had been a small sparkle in the uncertainty. And when they had been about to disappear he had been so lucky to find Jack. It was incredible how his anchor to reality was a man who was not supposed to be on Earth, a paradox which destiny had thrown into the vortex of the universe.
Ianto pushed the off button and put the mugs on the same tray. He thought that he wanted his reality back, that he wanted Jack back. As every day the others spent most of the day out, running after some alien which the Rift had spat out. He was in the archives when the siren echoed announcing that they were back. He didn’t go upstairs, there was no need of doing it. Things were slowly adjusting with Tosh and the others, but he could feel that it was still a bit difficult for them to have him around too much, as if they still hadn’t gotten used to it. It made him feel as he had on his first day of work, when for Owen, Suzie and Tosh he had been just a random tea-boy, not Ianto, just a quirk of their boss.
Going through the documents, readjusting them in a more suitable order, or at least an order which he could master quickly and efficiently, he lost count of the hours. He stopped only when his sight wobbled slightly. He took the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index. When he entered the Hub almost all the lights were off, as were the computers, except for Tosh’s one. The beeping of the Rift monitoring program made him think of a weird lullaby. He sighed with relief at the idea that he was alone in the Hub, he knew that it was actually insane, but the fact that he knew where everything was between those concrete walls made him feel safe, as if he was in his own personal cocoon. He walked up to Tosh’s station to have a look at the latest reports. He smiled seeing how tidy her desk was, all the pens lined up, and the glasses beside them. There was a photograph which he hadn’t seen before, there was a young Tosh, probably in her teens with a short Japanese woman, probably her mother. He brushed his fingers over the film pack. Tosh had been good to him in the past days, trying to reach out for him, even when he had spent entire days hidden in the archives or staring intently inside coffee mugs. Ianto had never felt a particular desire to open up with other people, he had spent too much time on his own in the period of life when you’re supposed to make friends and to open yourself up to the world. He had Rhiannon, but she was older, and too attached to their father to understand how he was feeling most of the time.
An insistent bip brought him out of the net of his thoughts, he focused his attention on the monitor, a window had opened out of nowhere. Ianto squeezed his eyes, it seemed a weather chart, and if he wasn’t mistaken those coloured curves meant that some strange atmospheric phenomenon had just taken place. He moved over to his desk to see if among the reports of the day there was something which could be connected to it. It made it feel at ease, to have something to do, to put his mind at work with something useful, and not only thoughts which couldn’t lead him anywhere and hopes.
He was waling back towards Tosh’s desk, flipping through a folder when he heard Jack’s voice. For an instant he thought that his mind was playing tricks on him, but when he turned the Captain was actually standing there, hands in his pockets and a gentle smile on his lips. Ianto blinked and stared at Jack’s lips, curved in what seemed to be a true smile, not a smirk or a grin, but actually a smile, gentle and uncertain.
“You’re not supposed to be here.”
Ianto looked at his shoes, the sensation of having Jack in front of him, talking to him, made something warm form inside of him. He lifted his gaze and couldn’t stop himself from, hoping to do the right thing, to make Jack more comfortable, to start to sew up the tear which had opened between the two of them.
“Neither should you.”
Since their first encounter Ianto had slowly learnt how Jack worked, he was still a great mystery and he probably would always be a puzzle without solution, but he knew at least the small things. How words and irony helped the Captain to feel in control and to relax. And indeed Jack flashed him another small smile. Ianto felt something tugging at him, as if the soft sparkling in Jack’s eyes, the same eyes which had been so hard and cold during the last days, was disturbing his gravity. He swallowed and used all of his strength to turn and walk over to the computer again. He kept his eyes glued to the screen as his heart speeded up at the sound of Jack’s steps over the concrete floor. Then Jack’s hand came, warm and firm against his back, and Ianto’s thoughts derailed. All the longing which he had stored up, the guilt, the fear seemed to bubble up inside of him. He turned abruptly, just in time to see Jack lowering his gaze. He could feel the tension, the uncertainty twirling between them, between the palm of Jack’s hand and his own back.
“So, what do we have here?”
Jack’s breath lingered behind his ear and Ianto quickly turned to face the screen again. He tried to concentrate but all he could think about, all he could feel was Jack’s hand. But then in an instant it was gone again. Ianto instantly missed the contact, but he knew that it had been much more than what he could hope for. It was a tiny sparkle, it was something small, probably just a grain of dust but Ianto wanted to treasure it. Life had tried to crush his hopes since when he was a kid and his father had told him that he was an idiot because he wanted to be an astronaut when he would grow up. It had done it again with Lisa, it might do it with Jack, but Ianto knew that he was just a human being, he just couldn’t suppress that wish, that desire, which Jack’s smile had planted inside of him.
*
Ianto was sitting at his desk, the Hub was silent after all the others had left. He had decided to remain because he could still feel himself shake at the thought of what he had seen, at all the emotions which had rammed through him, like a storm hitting his insides. He hadn’t trust himself to go back to his flat alone, the tingling sensation of something unknown and dangerous still lingering at the corner of his mind and eyes, as Jack had told them. And then, then there was Jack, Ianto had never seen him so broken before, as a glass shattered into pieces. Ianto understood how the others had felt, he didn’t want to judge them, but he didn’t feel like judging Jack neither. He knew that he had any right to do it.
He leant back in his chair and bit his lower lip. There was a memory stuck between the folds of his brain, and it was the memory of Jack holding Estelle lifeless body, cradling her gently, as if she was the most precious thing on Earth. He had heard him telling Gwen how he had loved her at first sight. Ianto knew that it was stupid, but it had made him break a bit on the inside, the idea that probably Jack would never talk about him with that love in his voice, behind his every word. He had never thought that he would have wanted something like that for Jack, it had just dabbling, there still had been Lisa for him, and he was scared to realize how deep what he felt for Jack truly went. He shook his head, knowing that he had messed it all up, even the tiniest chance that he could have had.
He got up to fetch the tea that he had left to boil in the kitchenette and then headed to Jack’s office. No sound had came from there in the last hours, but Ianto knew that Jack was there, probably sitting at his desk, looking at old photographs. He had seen the tin box while he had been tidying the office, he had opened it once, even though he hadn’t flipped through the photos. That was Jack’s world, and it was his to keep. He knocked and when no answer came he gently pushed open the door anyways. His eyes met Jack’s deep ones. He slowly walked up to the desk. Jack quirked an eyebrow and Ianto offered him a small smile, knowing that it would never be enough, but wanting to do something for him.
“I thought that tea would be a better choice for once.”
He took the mug and put it down on the table. Jack nodded at him. Ianto turned and walked towards the door, trying to fight the desire of pulling Jack close, and whispering to him that he was there, that he didn’t judge him.
“Ianto…”
Jack’s voice was low, it sent shivers down Ianto’s spine. He turned.
“Yes, sir?”
It hurt to call him like that, he missed the feel of Jack’s name on his tongue.
“Thank you, Ianto. And it’s alright if you go back to calling me Jack”
And there truly was gratitude behind his words, and a tiny sparkle of something more which Ianto didn’t want to name, because maybe he was imagining things. He just smiled a shy smile and nodded. Ianto knew that what had started to grow inside of him was something that Jack couldn’t answer to, but after all the loneliness and the cold, just the idea of gentle words and touches were enough.
When he exited the tourists office he looked up to the sky, it was clear and starts were looking down at him. For the first time since when he had came back he thought that hoping was the right thing to do, and he shyly smiled at the starry circumference of the sky. Part 3
Ianto pushed the off button and put the mugs on the same tray. He thought that he wanted his reality back, that he wanted Jack back. As every day the others spent most of the day out, running after some alien which the Rift had spat out. He was in the archives when the siren echoed announcing that they were back. He didn’t go upstairs, there was no need of doing it. Things were slowly adjusting with Tosh and the others, but he could feel that it was still a bit difficult for them to have him around too much, as if they still hadn’t gotten used to it. It made him feel as he had on his first day of work, when for Owen, Suzie and Tosh he had been just a random tea-boy, not Ianto, just a quirk of their boss.
Going through the documents, readjusting them in a more suitable order, or at least an order which he could master quickly and efficiently, he lost count of the hours. He stopped only when his sight wobbled slightly. He took the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index. When he entered the Hub almost all the lights were off, as were the computers, except for Tosh’s one. The beeping of the Rift monitoring program made him think of a weird lullaby. He sighed with relief at the idea that he was alone in the Hub, he knew that it was actually insane, but the fact that he knew where everything was between those concrete walls made him feel safe, as if he was in his own personal cocoon. He walked up to Tosh’s station to have a look at the latest reports. He smiled seeing how tidy her desk was, all the pens lined up, and the glasses beside them. There was a photograph which he hadn’t seen before, there was a young Tosh, probably in her teens with a short Japanese woman, probably her mother. He brushed his fingers over the film pack. Tosh had been good to him in the past days, trying to reach out for him, even when he had spent entire days hidden in the archives or staring intently inside coffee mugs. Ianto had never felt a particular desire to open up with other people, he had spent too much time on his own in the period of life when you’re supposed to make friends and to open yourself up to the world. He had Rhiannon, but she was older, and too attached to their father to understand how he was feeling most of the time.
An insistent bip brought him out of the net of his thoughts, he focused his attention on the monitor, a window had opened out of nowhere. Ianto squeezed his eyes, it seemed a weather chart, and if he wasn’t mistaken those coloured curves meant that some strange atmospheric phenomenon had just taken place. He moved over to his desk to see if among the reports of the day there was something which could be connected to it. It made it feel at ease, to have something to do, to put his mind at work with something useful, and not only thoughts which couldn’t lead him anywhere and hopes.
He was waling back towards Tosh’s desk, flipping through a folder when he heard Jack’s voice. For an instant he thought that his mind was playing tricks on him, but when he turned the Captain was actually standing there, hands in his pockets and a gentle smile on his lips. Ianto blinked and stared at Jack’s lips, curved in what seemed to be a true smile, not a smirk or a grin, but actually a smile, gentle and uncertain.
“You’re not supposed to be here.”
Ianto looked at his shoes, the sensation of having Jack in front of him, talking to him, made something warm form inside of him. He lifted his gaze and couldn’t stop himself from, hoping to do the right thing, to make Jack more comfortable, to start to sew up the tear which had opened between the two of them.
“Neither should you.”
Since their first encounter Ianto had slowly learnt how Jack worked, he was still a great mystery and he probably would always be a puzzle without solution, but he knew at least the small things. How words and irony helped the Captain to feel in control and to relax. And indeed Jack flashed him another small smile. Ianto felt something tugging at him, as if the soft sparkling in Jack’s eyes, the same eyes which had been so hard and cold during the last days, was disturbing his gravity. He swallowed and used all of his strength to turn and walk over to the computer again. He kept his eyes glued to the screen as his heart speeded up at the sound of Jack’s steps over the concrete floor. Then Jack’s hand came, warm and firm against his back, and Ianto’s thoughts derailed. All the longing which he had stored up, the guilt, the fear seemed to bubble up inside of him. He turned abruptly, just in time to see Jack lowering his gaze. He could feel the tension, the uncertainty twirling between them, between the palm of Jack’s hand and his own back.
“So, what do we have here?”
Jack’s breath lingered behind his ear and Ianto quickly turned to face the screen again. He tried to concentrate but all he could think about, all he could feel was Jack’s hand. But then in an instant it was gone again. Ianto instantly missed the contact, but he knew that it had been much more than what he could hope for. It was a tiny sparkle, it was something small, probably just a grain of dust but Ianto wanted to treasure it. Life had tried to crush his hopes since when he was a kid and his father had told him that he was an idiot because he wanted to be an astronaut when he would grow up. It had done it again with Lisa, it might do it with Jack, but Ianto knew that he was just a human being, he just couldn’t suppress that wish, that desire, which Jack’s smile had planted inside of him.
*
Ianto was sitting at his desk, the Hub was silent after all the others had left. He had decided to remain because he could still feel himself shake at the thought of what he had seen, at all the emotions which had rammed through him, like a storm hitting his insides. He hadn’t trust himself to go back to his flat alone, the tingling sensation of something unknown and dangerous still lingering at the corner of his mind and eyes, as Jack had told them. And then, then there was Jack, Ianto had never seen him so broken before, as a glass shattered into pieces. Ianto understood how the others had felt, he didn’t want to judge them, but he didn’t feel like judging Jack neither. He knew that he had any right to do it.
He leant back in his chair and bit his lower lip. There was a memory stuck between the folds of his brain, and it was the memory of Jack holding Estelle lifeless body, cradling her gently, as if she was the most precious thing on Earth. He had heard him telling Gwen how he had loved her at first sight. Ianto knew that it was stupid, but it had made him break a bit on the inside, the idea that probably Jack would never talk about him with that love in his voice, behind his every word. He had never thought that he would have wanted something like that for Jack, it had just dabbling, there still had been Lisa for him, and he was scared to realize how deep what he felt for Jack truly went. He shook his head, knowing that he had messed it all up, even the tiniest chance that he could have had.
He got up to fetch the tea that he had left to boil in the kitchenette and then headed to Jack’s office. No sound had came from there in the last hours, but Ianto knew that Jack was there, probably sitting at his desk, looking at old photographs. He had seen the tin box while he had been tidying the office, he had opened it once, even though he hadn’t flipped through the photos. That was Jack’s world, and it was his to keep. He knocked and when no answer came he gently pushed open the door anyways. His eyes met Jack’s deep ones. He slowly walked up to the desk. Jack quirked an eyebrow and Ianto offered him a small smile, knowing that it would never be enough, but wanting to do something for him.
“I thought that tea would be a better choice for once.”
He took the mug and put it down on the table. Jack nodded at him. Ianto turned and walked towards the door, trying to fight the desire of pulling Jack close, and whispering to him that he was there, that he didn’t judge him.
“Ianto…”
Jack’s voice was low, it sent shivers down Ianto’s spine. He turned.
“Yes, sir?”
It hurt to call him like that, he missed the feel of Jack’s name on his tongue.
“Thank you, Ianto. And it’s alright if you go back to calling me Jack”
And there truly was gratitude behind his words, and a tiny sparkle of something more which Ianto didn’t want to name, because maybe he was imagining things. He just smiled a shy smile and nodded. Ianto knew that what had started to grow inside of him was something that Jack couldn’t answer to, but after all the loneliness and the cold, just the idea of gentle words and touches were enough.
When he exited the tourists office he looked up to the sky, it was clear and starts were looking down at him. For the first time since when he had came back he thought that hoping was the right thing to do, and he shyly smiled at the starry circumference of the sky. Part 3