torchwood/ Between their hands
I am always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
“Cosmic love” Florence and the Machine
Ianto knows that there can’t be entwined hands or promises of a tomorrow in his relationship with Jack. He knows that there will never be the possibility to share a flat as normal lovers get to do sooner or later. Ianto knows that there can’t be nothing ordinary in the lives that they are living, in what he feels for Jack, a feeling which has grown stronger, invading him since the fist time that the Captain had pushed inside of him, pain and pleasure mixing as they could do only around Jack. It had been after Lisa’s death, the taste of betrayal was still lingering inside Jack’s mouth, the guilt was still nagging at Ianto, making hard for him to block the tears. And they had made love together for the first time like that, with tears rolling down Ianto’s cheeks, sobs mixing with moans, with Jack whispering broken promises and prayers. When Jack came inside of him Ianto already knew that something had changed within him, something had shifted and clicked into place, the hole that loosing Lisa had carved inside of him started to be filled up. Jack’s lips and hands and smiles patiently filled it up till Ianto found himself filled to the brim, like a coffee with too much coffee in it.
Ianto holds the cup of cold coffee that Jack has insisted to offer him. they are sitting o a bench, the trees behind them cast a gentle shadow on their backs. Jack reaches out and brushes a strand of hair away from Ianto’s slightly sweaty forehead.
Ianto takes in breath as every time that Jack touches him, he wonders how it is possible for the Captain’s presence to be still so overwhelming even after all the time that they’ve spent together, even more since when he came back after having left to go after that Doctor of his. Actually since then Jack’s gestures seem somehow more caring and careful, but Ianto doesn’t want to hope for something more. He knows that Jack can’t give it to him, because it would probably end up breaking them bth into pieces.
Ianto takes a sip of his coffee, children are running around on the lawn in front of them, Ianto looks at a mum putting sunscreen on her son’s face, he grins at the sight of the pout on the child’s face. It reminds him of Jack when he pouts because he is tired and wants to go straight to bed instead of “playing” with him. Ianto turns and looks at Jack who’s looking at the children, he thinks that somehow, even though the Captain has lived hundreds of lives, the child inside of him is stronger than in others, he smiles and plays and shouts and suffers more.
A woman and her son pass in front of them, she is holding the child’s hand while he is looking at the ice cream in his hand. He whispers a “but I wanted strawberry” and Ianto hears Jack’s clear laugh invading his ears and his minds. Sometimes he wishes that he could believe in having a soul because that would mean having a place to store away Jack’s laugh and moans. If he could have a soul which could resist to death they would remain inside of him forever. His own kind of forever.
A ball comes rolling in their direction and it hits Jack’s feet. The Captain grins at Ianto before grabbing the ball and getting up. Ianto looks at him as he walks over to the group of kids who have lost their ball.
-Thank you, Sir.
Ianto chuckles at the thought of how many times Jack has asked him to call him “sir”, his voice clouded with lust and desire.
-I’ll give you back the ball only if I can play a bit with you!
Ianto looks at Jack, standing among those children, with his eyes shining under the summer sun. He can’t help t think that maybe Jack has had children somewhere along the time of the hundreds of lives that he has lived.
Probably there have been women whom he has loved so much to want to give birth to a new creature with them. Ianto bites his lower lip. He and Lisa have never talked about having children, he thinks that maybe she has wanted to be a mother. He feels bad at the thought that he hasn’t been able to give her a child, but he feels even worse at the thought that he can’t give one to Jack. He knows that it is stupid, he knows that Jack wouldn’t have been with him if what he had been looking for was a family, a child.
Ianto sighs and takes another sip of coffee. Jack is walking towards him, his forehead shines with sweat and he breathes heavily.
-You’re not so young any more…sir.
Jack grins and flops down on the bench at Ianto’s side. He leans closer and his lips are brushing against Ianto’s earlobe as he speaks.
- Oh but yesterday night it seemed that this old man could make you very happy…
Ianto chuckles and he is grateful that Jack is like this, able to lift the blanket of his often dark thoughts so easily, with a couple of words, with the touch of his hand.
They slowly walk towards the SUV, the gravel of the paths creaks under their shoes. Ianto lets his arms abandoned along his sides. He thinks that indeed he cannot give Jack the possibility to be a father, to play with his child and tell him fairytales. But he also thinks that both Jack and himself are like scarred children, thrown into the world, who have spent too much time alone, looking for the right anchor which could save them from falling down the edge of the world. He knows that he has found that anchor in Jack.
They walk in silence, their hands brush now and then sending sparkles of electricity down Ianto’s spine. He opens his mouth and closes it again.
His heart almost bursts out of his ribcage as he feels the warmth of Jack’s hand around his own. He lowers his gaze and looks at their entwined hands, he lifts his eyes till they meet Jack’s shining ones. Jack smiles at him, without saying a word, he just smiles, his eyes filled with affection.
They walk in silence and Ianto knows that his relationship with Jack cannot be like a normal relationship is supposed to be, but he knows that those three words that neither of them has yet had the courage to say out loud are hanging strong and clear in the air between them, are shining strong and clear in the space between their entwined hands.
In the shadow of your heart
“Cosmic love” Florence and the Machine
Ianto knows that there can’t be entwined hands or promises of a tomorrow in his relationship with Jack. He knows that there will never be the possibility to share a flat as normal lovers get to do sooner or later. Ianto knows that there can’t be nothing ordinary in the lives that they are living, in what he feels for Jack, a feeling which has grown stronger, invading him since the fist time that the Captain had pushed inside of him, pain and pleasure mixing as they could do only around Jack. It had been after Lisa’s death, the taste of betrayal was still lingering inside Jack’s mouth, the guilt was still nagging at Ianto, making hard for him to block the tears. And they had made love together for the first time like that, with tears rolling down Ianto’s cheeks, sobs mixing with moans, with Jack whispering broken promises and prayers. When Jack came inside of him Ianto already knew that something had changed within him, something had shifted and clicked into place, the hole that loosing Lisa had carved inside of him started to be filled up. Jack’s lips and hands and smiles patiently filled it up till Ianto found himself filled to the brim, like a coffee with too much coffee in it.
Ianto holds the cup of cold coffee that Jack has insisted to offer him. they are sitting o a bench, the trees behind them cast a gentle shadow on their backs. Jack reaches out and brushes a strand of hair away from Ianto’s slightly sweaty forehead.
Ianto takes in breath as every time that Jack touches him, he wonders how it is possible for the Captain’s presence to be still so overwhelming even after all the time that they’ve spent together, even more since when he came back after having left to go after that Doctor of his. Actually since then Jack’s gestures seem somehow more caring and careful, but Ianto doesn’t want to hope for something more. He knows that Jack can’t give it to him, because it would probably end up breaking them bth into pieces.
Ianto takes a sip of his coffee, children are running around on the lawn in front of them, Ianto looks at a mum putting sunscreen on her son’s face, he grins at the sight of the pout on the child’s face. It reminds him of Jack when he pouts because he is tired and wants to go straight to bed instead of “playing” with him. Ianto turns and looks at Jack who’s looking at the children, he thinks that somehow, even though the Captain has lived hundreds of lives, the child inside of him is stronger than in others, he smiles and plays and shouts and suffers more.
A woman and her son pass in front of them, she is holding the child’s hand while he is looking at the ice cream in his hand. He whispers a “but I wanted strawberry” and Ianto hears Jack’s clear laugh invading his ears and his minds. Sometimes he wishes that he could believe in having a soul because that would mean having a place to store away Jack’s laugh and moans. If he could have a soul which could resist to death they would remain inside of him forever. His own kind of forever.
A ball comes rolling in their direction and it hits Jack’s feet. The Captain grins at Ianto before grabbing the ball and getting up. Ianto looks at him as he walks over to the group of kids who have lost their ball.
-Thank you, Sir.
Ianto chuckles at the thought of how many times Jack has asked him to call him “sir”, his voice clouded with lust and desire.
-I’ll give you back the ball only if I can play a bit with you!
Ianto looks at Jack, standing among those children, with his eyes shining under the summer sun. He can’t help t think that maybe Jack has had children somewhere along the time of the hundreds of lives that he has lived.
Probably there have been women whom he has loved so much to want to give birth to a new creature with them. Ianto bites his lower lip. He and Lisa have never talked about having children, he thinks that maybe she has wanted to be a mother. He feels bad at the thought that he hasn’t been able to give her a child, but he feels even worse at the thought that he can’t give one to Jack. He knows that it is stupid, he knows that Jack wouldn’t have been with him if what he had been looking for was a family, a child.
Ianto sighs and takes another sip of coffee. Jack is walking towards him, his forehead shines with sweat and he breathes heavily.
-You’re not so young any more…sir.
Jack grins and flops down on the bench at Ianto’s side. He leans closer and his lips are brushing against Ianto’s earlobe as he speaks.
- Oh but yesterday night it seemed that this old man could make you very happy…
Ianto chuckles and he is grateful that Jack is like this, able to lift the blanket of his often dark thoughts so easily, with a couple of words, with the touch of his hand.
They slowly walk towards the SUV, the gravel of the paths creaks under their shoes. Ianto lets his arms abandoned along his sides. He thinks that indeed he cannot give Jack the possibility to be a father, to play with his child and tell him fairytales. But he also thinks that both Jack and himself are like scarred children, thrown into the world, who have spent too much time alone, looking for the right anchor which could save them from falling down the edge of the world. He knows that he has found that anchor in Jack.
They walk in silence, their hands brush now and then sending sparkles of electricity down Ianto’s spine. He opens his mouth and closes it again.
His heart almost bursts out of his ribcage as he feels the warmth of Jack’s hand around his own. He lowers his gaze and looks at their entwined hands, he lifts his eyes till they meet Jack’s shining ones. Jack smiles at him, without saying a word, he just smiles, his eyes filled with affection.
They walk in silence and Ianto knows that his relationship with Jack cannot be like a normal relationship is supposed to be, but he knows that those three words that neither of them has yet had the courage to say out loud are hanging strong and clear in the air between them, are shining strong and clear in the space between their entwined hands.