STORY - Calling in a Debt - Chapter 10
Disclaimers: Neither the idea of Harry Potter nor the characters belong to me in any way. They are the sole property of JKR. I do not make any money of this story either.
Thanks to my wonderful betas Allzugern, Amber, darkmoore munchkinofdoom and Christine Pierson.
Author's Note: Well, here we go. It's completely betaed now. I'm afraid this chapter poses more questions than it actually answers. Enjoy!
Back to Chapter 09
Index
Go to Chapter 11
Chapter 10 - Safety Measures
Harry felt like he was floating. The time after waking up was a peaceful one for him, a buffer between him and reality. Smiling happily, he remembered the trunk full of his parents’ things he had found the day before, then, all of a sudden, his experience in the pensieve returned. At that he scrambled out of bed and ran to the object in question, viewing the silvery substance within like an enemy. He had aborted the session yesterday, unable to bear anymore.
Now he clung to the hope that James had been mistaken. “I have my mother’s eyes,” Harry muttered, his belief in what he had witnessed in the memory growing thinner by the moment. Determined to find out the rest he emerged himself in the memory again, consciously seeking the point where he had left off the day before.
”It’s the only way. Please, Albus, help us,” James begged desperately, clutching Lily’s right hand in both of his as they stood anxiously in front of the headmaster’s desk. “You know just as well as I do what kind of heritage my child will have and we need to protect it.”
Dumbledore stood up and walked around the desk. “I understand your reasoning very well, of course I’ll help you. The baby must have both your looks to fool Voldemort accordingly. Poppy is the best one to do the spells.” The expression of worry on Albus’ face was disconcerting, “You do realise that there are certain risks involved.”
Exchanging a look, both James and Lily nodded.
The scene changed only slightly, adding Madame Pomfrey to the mix. James was now sitting on the couch, a pained expression on his face, “Are you sure it worked?”
“Of course,” Poppy answered briskly. “I did not have to change a lot, but your baby will have your wife’s green eyes. Luckily the baby seems to be taking mostly after you, so there weren’t a lot of changes I needed to force. The foetus is still so small; and problems usually only occur when the child is bigger and more formed. A change of eye colour is only a minor one and the little one took it very well indeed.”
Sighing, James leaned back, “Thank you.” He looked pale and drawn, almost as ill as Harry felt. “Tell me, is it a girl? Or a boy?”
There was a pause in the noise of Poppy putting vials away when she looked at the pale young man, “You’re going to have a boy. A very healthy little boy, James.”
The revelations pulled Harry’s world from under his feet for the second time in as many days, forcing him to accept the unacceptable. His mind was still reeling with all the information and shock when his surroundings changed once more. Fervently hoping this would be the last chapter in this nightmare, Harry resentfully watched the new scene assemble.
James was standing in front of a huge mirror, a tiny, sleeping baby on his arms, maybe a day or two old. Gaping at himself, Harry swallowed around a lump in his throat. “Hello, little Harry,” James said gently, smiling down at the sleeping infant. “Well, maybe not so little anymore.” He turned around, looking into the distance, obviously not talking to the baby anymore. “If you are watching this memory, then I am dead. I know what you just saw will come as a great shock to you, but you need to know who you are. You might have certain gifts that are from his family and I believe not knowing could land you in danger at some point in your life. Never forget that you’ll always be my little baby. Lily and I, we love you so very much. Whatever happens, you are my son. Mine and Lily’s.” He beamed with pride, his face brightening considerably. “There are so many things I’d like to tell you and so much I want to teach you, but we’re being hunted and I’m not sure how long we can lie this low. These are my most precious memories, my most important memories.”
The infant in his arms woke up and James spent a moment to quiet baby Harry before he continued to speak. “There is something I will have to ask of you, Harry. In case I cannot reverse what we have done...you need to help Severus. He is my best friend. Talk to Dumbledore and remind him of his promise.” The baby stirred in his arms again and James smiled down with love, “Also remember that we love you and that we will always love you.”
Tears were streaming down Harry’s face as the memory ended and he felt himself being pulled out of the pensieve. Back in his own home, he suddenly felt cold. Almost automatically he took the half full vial of memories and put the next strand in his pensieve, but guided a copy of the precious fluid of both memories back into the vial. He had done this so often that he had no need to think about the actions, his mind still reeling from the events. Done with this basic task, Harry sat down and curled up with his misery.
***
“What has he done now?” Severus asked scathingly as he strode down the empty corridor next to Albus. They had been enjoying their breakfast together in the Great Hall when an upset student had appeared, babbling something about violent noises from a teacher’s quarters. Harry’s quarters to be precise. Thankfully it was Saturday and neither of them had a pressing engagement.
Raising an eyebrow at his Potions Master’s tone of voice, Albus refrained from commenting and instead listened to Severus’ muttered comments. Severus only rarely talked about Harry. Albus hoped this situation might give him an interesting opportunity to find out about what had happened between them to make Severus evade his ex-husband at all costs.
They heard the noise when they were still a good deal away from the door. It sounded like someone was smashing all the family porcelain against the wall. Looking briefly at Severus, Albus took off. Something was seriously wrong in there. “Harry?” Albus called out, trying to make himself heard over the cacophony of crashing objects. “Harry, open this door!” Banging against the wood, he could feel the crackling energy all around him.
Suddenly the noise ceased. “Go away!”
Taken aback by the resentment in Harry’s voice, Albus took a step back. “Harry, what is wrong?” There was no answer, but at least the young man was still alive. Albus briefly looked at Severus and gestured toward the door.
Drawing his wand at once Severus muttered a spell and the door swung open with force, banging against the stone wall. Both men stepped inside, aghast at the chaos they found in the living room. Harry was sitting in the middle of the room, on the bare floor. The shelves were almost torn apart with only a photograph hanging tenaciously to perch. Everything breakable was decorating the floor in a glittering carpet of small shards, and books were lying about, pages torn out by the forces that had raged in the room.
“What is going on, Harry?” Albus asked, carefully stepping over the debris.
The young man in question looked at Albus, terrible anger showing in his eyes. “You! You knew! You’ve known all the time and you never told me. How could you!” He rose from the floor, confronting Albus, terrifying in his anger, even to Albus Dumbledore. “You knew!” He threw a vial at him with the silvery substance of a memory inside it, marked “1” with a meticulous hand, but the headmaster caught it before it hit him in the chest.
“I don’t know what you mean,” he said, his eyes roaming the room until they came to rest on the trunk and the only unbroken objects that were sitting next to it, the scales fell from his eyes. It was James’ old school trunk. “Harry, I’m sure I can explain if you just tell me...”
“Get out.” The curt order interrupted everything Albus had meant to say and then Harry turned his back on him.
The finality in that move broke Albus’ heart, but he could understand Harry and backed away slowly. Whatever he had seen in these memories, it was something the young man considered a betrayal. Sending a sorrowful look towards Harry’s back, Albus left to find out if the hunch he had concerning the vial he clutched in his hand was right.
“You, too, Severus. Get out,” Harry said without so much as turning around, his voice sounding defeated.
“Harry...what happened?” During all the time he had known Harry Potter he had never known him to give up. Dirty, bloody, with broken bones, and a heavy heart, Harry had still laughed at a sarcastic comment. Harry had pulled through a war with nothing more than a few mental bruises and a lot of regrets and Severus had never expected there was anything that had the ability to tear Harry Potter’s defences down like this.
Whirling around, Harry glared at Severus for a brief moment, then rounded on him, “You knew, too. No wonder you never wanted anything to do with me.”
Nose to nose with Harry, Severus was close enough to see the desperation and sorrow in the green eyes so reminiscent of Lily Potter. “Knew what?”
“Get out of my flat,” Harry ordered, underlined by a magical current that catapulted Severus out of the room and slammed him into the stone wall outside. The door banged shut seconds later, the locks turning one after another.
Shocked, with the air knocked out of him, Severus stood there, staring at the closed door and unable to believe what had just happened.
***
Severus sat in the chair Dumbledore had lead him to, numbly blinking. He was unable to think straight after what he had just witnessed. It was no wonder Harry had reacted so violently, finding out about his heritage like that. While the information in James’ memories were news to him, he had been shocked to see himself in those very memories.
“I didn’t know, Albus,” he finally rasped, “I have no memory of that happening.” Taking a shaky breath Severus steadied his voice, “Why don’t I remember?” It had been him, he had no doubt about that.
The flinch of his elderly friend was not lost on him at his beseeching question. Albus knew more then he was telling him. Instead he handed over the vial with another memory inside and left the office without a word.
Trembling all over Severus poured the memory into the pensieve and looked inside, expecting another of James’ surviving memories.
”I know it’s dangerous, but I have to do this.”
The voice was the first thing Severus could distinguish from the memory. It took a moment for his eyes to get used to the dim light in the little room he found himself in. He was in the place Severus and James usually met. A small room on the third floor that no-one else seemed to be using. It even had a window and there was always a cosy fire burning in the fire-place. The hangings on the walls were not dominated by the colours of a House, they just made the room comfortable. Two armchairs, a table to work on and two benches did nothing to clutter the room and had allowed them to slowly move in little items they valued. Like the chess board that was set in its usual place on a small table between the two big chairs by the fire. They had met in there since first year, hiding their friendship away like it was something ugly. In public they treated each other like strangers. Worse, like enemies. However, in their little hideaway they were friends.
Shaking off the memories of times long gone Severus looked around once more, trying to separate the past in which he had loved James Potter from the present. James was pacing the room like a caged animal, leaving Severus to simply watch, trying to guess what James was talking about.
“James, I love you like the brother I never had, so don’t misunderstand me when I tell you that you are crazy.”
Severus whirled around to the source of the voice and found himself sitting in one of the comfortable armchairs by the fire.
His younger self had his hands in his lap, clenched to fists and was taking a calming breath before continuing, “What you suggest is madness! Don’t you realise what you are saying? You are talking about Voldemort’s inner circle, his closest companions and servants. People don’t just go and join up with them. This is a lifelong commitment.” Young Severus hesitated to find the right words, “A dangerous, stupid, lifelong commitment!”
Abruptly coming to a stand, James turned towards young Severus, his eyes were bloodshot and swollen, his face red with the stains of tears down his cheeks. “Only until he is dead.” There was a finality in James’ voice that sounded older than the 16 years he looked.
A nervous little laugh escaped young Severus, “You are mad, James. What is that supposed to mean? Do you want to kill Lord Voldemort? He-who-must-not-be-named? Do you, James Potter?” His voice rose with every question he threw at his friend and he stood up, agitated. “You want to throw your life away? Just like that? I say let Dumbledore do this, let him take care of Voldemort and his Death Eaters. Don’t get involved, James. I beg you. Don’t do it,” it sounded desperate. “If you don’t want to do it for me, then do it for Lily! What will happen to her, when Voldemort finds out that you are double-crossing him?”
“He won’t find out,” James countered hotly, his temper rising slowly. Grief and loss had hit him visibly. There was no anger left, only icy rage, a hatred that ran deeper than anything Severus could remember seeing James Potter express in the time they had been close. “If he finds out, I will-“
Severus’ younger version jumped up and took two long strides to stand in front of his friend, his hands on James’ shoulders were shaking the other youth hard. “If? You mean when. There is no way you can hide what you think of him. You are like an open book, you would be dead before your first week is over.”
“I don’t want to spend my life being afraid of what Voldemort might do to the people I love.” There was the fire in James’ eyes that had drawn an 11 year old Severus to James Potter from the moment they met. For Severus Snape, Potions Master of Hogwarts, the expression in James’ eyes only brought back painful memories and he had to suppress the urge to escape. “Don’t you understand? I can’t go and hide, I can’t leave this to Dumbledore. It’s personal!”
Severus felt the sudden urge to shake his younger self, to protect himself from the pain that he felt now.
“James,” the younger version of Severus whispered. Then he did something that visibly took a lot out of him, he hugged James fiercely.
James returned the hug and clung to Severus like a dying man, and Severus awkwardly he patted James’ back, trying to calm the crying teenager down a bit. “It’s okay, James, I know that it hurts.”
“They are dead, Sev, my parents, my grandparents. Just gone,” James sobbed, his face buried in Severus’ robes, holding on for dear life while he mourned his loss. “They are all gone. I’m alone now.”
“You’re not alone, James. You’ll never be alone, I promise,” the whispered words of his younger self were almost drowned out, but Severus could hear the sincerity in them.
When Severus’ surroundings changed he only felt disoriented for a moment. The new memory was attached to the one before it almost seamlessly.
Again James was clinging to a younger Severus like a life-line. They had both grown a little and James’ hair was a little longer. There was no telling from his removed point of view how much younger this memory was, but judging from the looks of James it must have been around the time of their graduation.
His younger self was crying and when he finally talked the gentleness in his words was remarkable, “I’m here, James. You’re not alone.” It sounded like a vow.
James Potter was visibly pregnant and his slightly rounded belly was pressed against Severus. “We barely got away in time,” he sobbed.
The tears were soaking into his robe as the younger Severus gently patted the other’s back, “But you escaped, and no-one noticed you’re pregnant. That’s all that counts,” he reassured James. After a while he moved away a bit to look into his eyes, “I thought about your plan of joining Voldemort’s inner circle to destroy him. I’ll do it.”
Severus, who had been drifting away from the couple to look around the room stopped cold. Slowly turning around to face his younger self and James Potter his mouth hung open in shock. “What the...”
Just like their invisible watcher James stared at Severus in shock, “You said that it was madness when I told you about my plan 2 years ago!”
“For you it was. I’m a far better actor than you are.” I must have been mad, Severus thought when he processed what his younger self was proposing to James. “But I need your help. He is said to be a master of Legilimency and my memories of our friendship could prove fatal.”
“I’m not giving you up,” James stated with a passionate voice, moving closer to Severus again. “You and Lily are all I have left. Sirius, Remus, and Peter can’t help me. Merlin, they don’t have a clue what’s going on.” Tears formed in James’ eyes again, “You and Lily are my only family left.”
Severus put a hand on James’ cheek, brushing away a tear with his thumb, “I have to do this. For you, for Lily and for Harry. I need you to help me, to guard my mind and to plant a false memory.”
Feeling oddly removed from the scene in front of him Severus was amazed at the easy closeness between them. It felt wonderful for no reason. Severus had no idea how this could have happened after what he remembered of their terrible parting. Suddenly he frowned, “False memory?” His muttered words were of no consequence to his younger self and James, whose drawn face had grown even paler, shaking his head in denial.
“If you don’t help me I will have to ask Albus. Or I will have to try by myself.”
Severus lurched away from the pensieve, his thoughts in turmoil and physically shaking. The memory had partly held the quality of his own, but he could not remember any of it, no matter how much he tried. The intimacy between James’ and himself had shocked him, they must have been 17 at the time in the memory. At that point they had been enemies already...had they not?
Of course, Severus had transferred painful memories to the pensieve, relieved to be rid of them at the time. After a younger Harry Potter had stumbled over one of them he had secured them elsewhere and had only returned them where to they belonged after Voldemort’s demise. It was safer to carry them around inside his head than to leave them standing around.
This memory had surely not been with those. It had been an alluring mix of his own with James’. The time it must have taken to blend them like that, into one piece...James’ must have thought it impossibly important.
Shaking violently, Severus sat down heavily on the armchair again and tried to tell himself that it was all just a very good lie.
***
Stony faced and silent, Harry was standing at the window, his back turned on Albus and Severus. Severus had no idea what Albus Dumbledore had said or done to make Harry follow him to his office, butat the moment he did not care - he was still too numb. Sipping automatically at the cup of tea the old wizard had pressed into his hands, he tried not to think.
“I promised James that I would take care of everyone he loved if he died,” Albus said after a long stretch of silence. “Your father loved you very much, Harry.”
“That was your promise?” Harry asked, his voice hard, unforgiving, and desperate.
Again Albus hesitated, then sighed, “Not entirely. I promised him I would take care of you and Severus. Especially Severus.” He shivered as the memories of that night and what he had seen overcame him. When he closed his eyes he could still see the scene in front of him, smell the musky and stale air in the deepest parts of the school.
The dungeons of Hogwarts were dark, but they were closest to the most powerful cornerstone of the ancient castle, closest to the main energy lines along the school’s basements. Albus a watcher only - and he was glad about that. Nothing and no-one could have made him do this, not even for his own brother.
Magical currents were visible in glittering trails around the room, a spiral originating from the couple kneeling on the cold stone floor. Severus and James were both reciting the incantation over and over again, as close to each other as humanly possible. The embrace they were in was more intimate than a lover’s touch. It was incredible to find two people who would go through this willingly. Even married couples rarely wanted to be so close to each other.
To witness this told Albus more about their devotion to each other than anything else he had seen in the past. The white sparks that were slowly turning around them were a sign of the kind of love they felt. There was nothing romantic to it. They could as well have been two brothers, locked in this terrifying embrace of magic and willpower.
“Mindguard?” For the first time since Albus had returned with Harry, Severus was animated. He jumped up, sloshing his tea on the floor. “James was my Mindguard?” And all of a sudden the whole sordid mess started to make sense.
Back to Chapter 09
Index
Go to Chapter 11
***
Back to Chapter 09
Index
Go to Chapter 11
Thanks to my wonderful betas Allzugern, Amber, darkmoore munchkinofdoom and Christine Pierson.
Author's Note: Well, here we go. It's completely betaed now. I'm afraid this chapter poses more questions than it actually answers. Enjoy!
Back to Chapter 09
Index
Go to Chapter 11
Chapter 10 - Safety Measures
Harry felt like he was floating. The time after waking up was a peaceful one for him, a buffer between him and reality. Smiling happily, he remembered the trunk full of his parents’ things he had found the day before, then, all of a sudden, his experience in the pensieve returned. At that he scrambled out of bed and ran to the object in question, viewing the silvery substance within like an enemy. He had aborted the session yesterday, unable to bear anymore.
Now he clung to the hope that James had been mistaken. “I have my mother’s eyes,” Harry muttered, his belief in what he had witnessed in the memory growing thinner by the moment. Determined to find out the rest he emerged himself in the memory again, consciously seeking the point where he had left off the day before.
”It’s the only way. Please, Albus, help us,” James begged desperately, clutching Lily’s right hand in both of his as they stood anxiously in front of the headmaster’s desk. “You know just as well as I do what kind of heritage my child will have and we need to protect it.”
Dumbledore stood up and walked around the desk. “I understand your reasoning very well, of course I’ll help you. The baby must have both your looks to fool Voldemort accordingly. Poppy is the best one to do the spells.” The expression of worry on Albus’ face was disconcerting, “You do realise that there are certain risks involved.”
Exchanging a look, both James and Lily nodded.
The scene changed only slightly, adding Madame Pomfrey to the mix. James was now sitting on the couch, a pained expression on his face, “Are you sure it worked?”
“Of course,” Poppy answered briskly. “I did not have to change a lot, but your baby will have your wife’s green eyes. Luckily the baby seems to be taking mostly after you, so there weren’t a lot of changes I needed to force. The foetus is still so small; and problems usually only occur when the child is bigger and more formed. A change of eye colour is only a minor one and the little one took it very well indeed.”
Sighing, James leaned back, “Thank you.” He looked pale and drawn, almost as ill as Harry felt. “Tell me, is it a girl? Or a boy?”
There was a pause in the noise of Poppy putting vials away when she looked at the pale young man, “You’re going to have a boy. A very healthy little boy, James.”
The revelations pulled Harry’s world from under his feet for the second time in as many days, forcing him to accept the unacceptable. His mind was still reeling with all the information and shock when his surroundings changed once more. Fervently hoping this would be the last chapter in this nightmare, Harry resentfully watched the new scene assemble.
James was standing in front of a huge mirror, a tiny, sleeping baby on his arms, maybe a day or two old. Gaping at himself, Harry swallowed around a lump in his throat. “Hello, little Harry,” James said gently, smiling down at the sleeping infant. “Well, maybe not so little anymore.” He turned around, looking into the distance, obviously not talking to the baby anymore. “If you are watching this memory, then I am dead. I know what you just saw will come as a great shock to you, but you need to know who you are. You might have certain gifts that are from his family and I believe not knowing could land you in danger at some point in your life. Never forget that you’ll always be my little baby. Lily and I, we love you so very much. Whatever happens, you are my son. Mine and Lily’s.” He beamed with pride, his face brightening considerably. “There are so many things I’d like to tell you and so much I want to teach you, but we’re being hunted and I’m not sure how long we can lie this low. These are my most precious memories, my most important memories.”
The infant in his arms woke up and James spent a moment to quiet baby Harry before he continued to speak. “There is something I will have to ask of you, Harry. In case I cannot reverse what we have done...you need to help Severus. He is my best friend. Talk to Dumbledore and remind him of his promise.” The baby stirred in his arms again and James smiled down with love, “Also remember that we love you and that we will always love you.”
Tears were streaming down Harry’s face as the memory ended and he felt himself being pulled out of the pensieve. Back in his own home, he suddenly felt cold. Almost automatically he took the half full vial of memories and put the next strand in his pensieve, but guided a copy of the precious fluid of both memories back into the vial. He had done this so often that he had no need to think about the actions, his mind still reeling from the events. Done with this basic task, Harry sat down and curled up with his misery.
***
“What has he done now?” Severus asked scathingly as he strode down the empty corridor next to Albus. They had been enjoying their breakfast together in the Great Hall when an upset student had appeared, babbling something about violent noises from a teacher’s quarters. Harry’s quarters to be precise. Thankfully it was Saturday and neither of them had a pressing engagement.
Raising an eyebrow at his Potions Master’s tone of voice, Albus refrained from commenting and instead listened to Severus’ muttered comments. Severus only rarely talked about Harry. Albus hoped this situation might give him an interesting opportunity to find out about what had happened between them to make Severus evade his ex-husband at all costs.
They heard the noise when they were still a good deal away from the door. It sounded like someone was smashing all the family porcelain against the wall. Looking briefly at Severus, Albus took off. Something was seriously wrong in there. “Harry?” Albus called out, trying to make himself heard over the cacophony of crashing objects. “Harry, open this door!” Banging against the wood, he could feel the crackling energy all around him.
Suddenly the noise ceased. “Go away!”
Taken aback by the resentment in Harry’s voice, Albus took a step back. “Harry, what is wrong?” There was no answer, but at least the young man was still alive. Albus briefly looked at Severus and gestured toward the door.
Drawing his wand at once Severus muttered a spell and the door swung open with force, banging against the stone wall. Both men stepped inside, aghast at the chaos they found in the living room. Harry was sitting in the middle of the room, on the bare floor. The shelves were almost torn apart with only a photograph hanging tenaciously to perch. Everything breakable was decorating the floor in a glittering carpet of small shards, and books were lying about, pages torn out by the forces that had raged in the room.
“What is going on, Harry?” Albus asked, carefully stepping over the debris.
The young man in question looked at Albus, terrible anger showing in his eyes. “You! You knew! You’ve known all the time and you never told me. How could you!” He rose from the floor, confronting Albus, terrifying in his anger, even to Albus Dumbledore. “You knew!” He threw a vial at him with the silvery substance of a memory inside it, marked “1” with a meticulous hand, but the headmaster caught it before it hit him in the chest.
“I don’t know what you mean,” he said, his eyes roaming the room until they came to rest on the trunk and the only unbroken objects that were sitting next to it, the scales fell from his eyes. It was James’ old school trunk. “Harry, I’m sure I can explain if you just tell me...”
“Get out.” The curt order interrupted everything Albus had meant to say and then Harry turned his back on him.
The finality in that move broke Albus’ heart, but he could understand Harry and backed away slowly. Whatever he had seen in these memories, it was something the young man considered a betrayal. Sending a sorrowful look towards Harry’s back, Albus left to find out if the hunch he had concerning the vial he clutched in his hand was right.
“You, too, Severus. Get out,” Harry said without so much as turning around, his voice sounding defeated.
“Harry...what happened?” During all the time he had known Harry Potter he had never known him to give up. Dirty, bloody, with broken bones, and a heavy heart, Harry had still laughed at a sarcastic comment. Harry had pulled through a war with nothing more than a few mental bruises and a lot of regrets and Severus had never expected there was anything that had the ability to tear Harry Potter’s defences down like this.
Whirling around, Harry glared at Severus for a brief moment, then rounded on him, “You knew, too. No wonder you never wanted anything to do with me.”
Nose to nose with Harry, Severus was close enough to see the desperation and sorrow in the green eyes so reminiscent of Lily Potter. “Knew what?”
“Get out of my flat,” Harry ordered, underlined by a magical current that catapulted Severus out of the room and slammed him into the stone wall outside. The door banged shut seconds later, the locks turning one after another.
Shocked, with the air knocked out of him, Severus stood there, staring at the closed door and unable to believe what had just happened.
***
Severus sat in the chair Dumbledore had lead him to, numbly blinking. He was unable to think straight after what he had just witnessed. It was no wonder Harry had reacted so violently, finding out about his heritage like that. While the information in James’ memories were news to him, he had been shocked to see himself in those very memories.
“I didn’t know, Albus,” he finally rasped, “I have no memory of that happening.” Taking a shaky breath Severus steadied his voice, “Why don’t I remember?” It had been him, he had no doubt about that.
The flinch of his elderly friend was not lost on him at his beseeching question. Albus knew more then he was telling him. Instead he handed over the vial with another memory inside and left the office without a word.
Trembling all over Severus poured the memory into the pensieve and looked inside, expecting another of James’ surviving memories.
”I know it’s dangerous, but I have to do this.”
The voice was the first thing Severus could distinguish from the memory. It took a moment for his eyes to get used to the dim light in the little room he found himself in. He was in the place Severus and James usually met. A small room on the third floor that no-one else seemed to be using. It even had a window and there was always a cosy fire burning in the fire-place. The hangings on the walls were not dominated by the colours of a House, they just made the room comfortable. Two armchairs, a table to work on and two benches did nothing to clutter the room and had allowed them to slowly move in little items they valued. Like the chess board that was set in its usual place on a small table between the two big chairs by the fire. They had met in there since first year, hiding their friendship away like it was something ugly. In public they treated each other like strangers. Worse, like enemies. However, in their little hideaway they were friends.
Shaking off the memories of times long gone Severus looked around once more, trying to separate the past in which he had loved James Potter from the present. James was pacing the room like a caged animal, leaving Severus to simply watch, trying to guess what James was talking about.
“James, I love you like the brother I never had, so don’t misunderstand me when I tell you that you are crazy.”
Severus whirled around to the source of the voice and found himself sitting in one of the comfortable armchairs by the fire.
His younger self had his hands in his lap, clenched to fists and was taking a calming breath before continuing, “What you suggest is madness! Don’t you realise what you are saying? You are talking about Voldemort’s inner circle, his closest companions and servants. People don’t just go and join up with them. This is a lifelong commitment.” Young Severus hesitated to find the right words, “A dangerous, stupid, lifelong commitment!”
Abruptly coming to a stand, James turned towards young Severus, his eyes were bloodshot and swollen, his face red with the stains of tears down his cheeks. “Only until he is dead.” There was a finality in James’ voice that sounded older than the 16 years he looked.
A nervous little laugh escaped young Severus, “You are mad, James. What is that supposed to mean? Do you want to kill Lord Voldemort? He-who-must-not-be-named? Do you, James Potter?” His voice rose with every question he threw at his friend and he stood up, agitated. “You want to throw your life away? Just like that? I say let Dumbledore do this, let him take care of Voldemort and his Death Eaters. Don’t get involved, James. I beg you. Don’t do it,” it sounded desperate. “If you don’t want to do it for me, then do it for Lily! What will happen to her, when Voldemort finds out that you are double-crossing him?”
“He won’t find out,” James countered hotly, his temper rising slowly. Grief and loss had hit him visibly. There was no anger left, only icy rage, a hatred that ran deeper than anything Severus could remember seeing James Potter express in the time they had been close. “If he finds out, I will-“
Severus’ younger version jumped up and took two long strides to stand in front of his friend, his hands on James’ shoulders were shaking the other youth hard. “If? You mean when. There is no way you can hide what you think of him. You are like an open book, you would be dead before your first week is over.”
“I don’t want to spend my life being afraid of what Voldemort might do to the people I love.” There was the fire in James’ eyes that had drawn an 11 year old Severus to James Potter from the moment they met. For Severus Snape, Potions Master of Hogwarts, the expression in James’ eyes only brought back painful memories and he had to suppress the urge to escape. “Don’t you understand? I can’t go and hide, I can’t leave this to Dumbledore. It’s personal!”
Severus felt the sudden urge to shake his younger self, to protect himself from the pain that he felt now.
“James,” the younger version of Severus whispered. Then he did something that visibly took a lot out of him, he hugged James fiercely.
James returned the hug and clung to Severus like a dying man, and Severus awkwardly he patted James’ back, trying to calm the crying teenager down a bit. “It’s okay, James, I know that it hurts.”
“They are dead, Sev, my parents, my grandparents. Just gone,” James sobbed, his face buried in Severus’ robes, holding on for dear life while he mourned his loss. “They are all gone. I’m alone now.”
“You’re not alone, James. You’ll never be alone, I promise,” the whispered words of his younger self were almost drowned out, but Severus could hear the sincerity in them.
When Severus’ surroundings changed he only felt disoriented for a moment. The new memory was attached to the one before it almost seamlessly.
Again James was clinging to a younger Severus like a life-line. They had both grown a little and James’ hair was a little longer. There was no telling from his removed point of view how much younger this memory was, but judging from the looks of James it must have been around the time of their graduation.
His younger self was crying and when he finally talked the gentleness in his words was remarkable, “I’m here, James. You’re not alone.” It sounded like a vow.
James Potter was visibly pregnant and his slightly rounded belly was pressed against Severus. “We barely got away in time,” he sobbed.
The tears were soaking into his robe as the younger Severus gently patted the other’s back, “But you escaped, and no-one noticed you’re pregnant. That’s all that counts,” he reassured James. After a while he moved away a bit to look into his eyes, “I thought about your plan of joining Voldemort’s inner circle to destroy him. I’ll do it.”
Severus, who had been drifting away from the couple to look around the room stopped cold. Slowly turning around to face his younger self and James Potter his mouth hung open in shock. “What the...”
Just like their invisible watcher James stared at Severus in shock, “You said that it was madness when I told you about my plan 2 years ago!”
“For you it was. I’m a far better actor than you are.” I must have been mad, Severus thought when he processed what his younger self was proposing to James. “But I need your help. He is said to be a master of Legilimency and my memories of our friendship could prove fatal.”
“I’m not giving you up,” James stated with a passionate voice, moving closer to Severus again. “You and Lily are all I have left. Sirius, Remus, and Peter can’t help me. Merlin, they don’t have a clue what’s going on.” Tears formed in James’ eyes again, “You and Lily are my only family left.”
Severus put a hand on James’ cheek, brushing away a tear with his thumb, “I have to do this. For you, for Lily and for Harry. I need you to help me, to guard my mind and to plant a false memory.”
Feeling oddly removed from the scene in front of him Severus was amazed at the easy closeness between them. It felt wonderful for no reason. Severus had no idea how this could have happened after what he remembered of their terrible parting. Suddenly he frowned, “False memory?” His muttered words were of no consequence to his younger self and James, whose drawn face had grown even paler, shaking his head in denial.
“If you don’t help me I will have to ask Albus. Or I will have to try by myself.”
Severus lurched away from the pensieve, his thoughts in turmoil and physically shaking. The memory had partly held the quality of his own, but he could not remember any of it, no matter how much he tried. The intimacy between James’ and himself had shocked him, they must have been 17 at the time in the memory. At that point they had been enemies already...had they not?
Of course, Severus had transferred painful memories to the pensieve, relieved to be rid of them at the time. After a younger Harry Potter had stumbled over one of them he had secured them elsewhere and had only returned them where to they belonged after Voldemort’s demise. It was safer to carry them around inside his head than to leave them standing around.
This memory had surely not been with those. It had been an alluring mix of his own with James’. The time it must have taken to blend them like that, into one piece...James’ must have thought it impossibly important.
Shaking violently, Severus sat down heavily on the armchair again and tried to tell himself that it was all just a very good lie.
***
Stony faced and silent, Harry was standing at the window, his back turned on Albus and Severus. Severus had no idea what Albus Dumbledore had said or done to make Harry follow him to his office, butat the moment he did not care - he was still too numb. Sipping automatically at the cup of tea the old wizard had pressed into his hands, he tried not to think.
“I promised James that I would take care of everyone he loved if he died,” Albus said after a long stretch of silence. “Your father loved you very much, Harry.”
“That was your promise?” Harry asked, his voice hard, unforgiving, and desperate.
Again Albus hesitated, then sighed, “Not entirely. I promised him I would take care of you and Severus. Especially Severus.” He shivered as the memories of that night and what he had seen overcame him. When he closed his eyes he could still see the scene in front of him, smell the musky and stale air in the deepest parts of the school.
The dungeons of Hogwarts were dark, but they were closest to the most powerful cornerstone of the ancient castle, closest to the main energy lines along the school’s basements. Albus a watcher only - and he was glad about that. Nothing and no-one could have made him do this, not even for his own brother.
Magical currents were visible in glittering trails around the room, a spiral originating from the couple kneeling on the cold stone floor. Severus and James were both reciting the incantation over and over again, as close to each other as humanly possible. The embrace they were in was more intimate than a lover’s touch. It was incredible to find two people who would go through this willingly. Even married couples rarely wanted to be so close to each other.
To witness this told Albus more about their devotion to each other than anything else he had seen in the past. The white sparks that were slowly turning around them were a sign of the kind of love they felt. There was nothing romantic to it. They could as well have been two brothers, locked in this terrifying embrace of magic and willpower.
“Mindguard?” For the first time since Albus had returned with Harry, Severus was animated. He jumped up, sloshing his tea on the floor. “James was my Mindguard?” And all of a sudden the whole sordid mess started to make sense.
Back to Chapter 09
Index
Go to Chapter 11
***
Back to Chapter 09
Index
Go to Chapter 11