Life is progressing...or so it seems...or so I would hope.

[c_rza]

Well, this is going to be slightly-well slightly isn't exa-aw fuck it, this shit is gonna be mad long. But if you have the time to sit down and read for a minute, please by all means do so. I would like in my own world to know that someone is mildly interested in me and concerned with my actual being. Other than it always being me caring for

Comments

Let's take this step by step...fine.

[c_rza]

First and foremost, since we're being "honest"...
It's not a question if you ever see Adam, Jasmine, or Ziemba anymore, because one way or another you have hung out with them or spent time with them over the past year, which I frankly couldn't give two shits about if you hung out with them or not. And yeah, you, personally don't usually call anyone to just see "what's up?" fine, that's understandable, but being so that we're friends wouldn't it entail, just a little bit, even a minor question of "Gee I wonder how he's doing? I haven't really talked to him in a year. We kinda used to hang out every weekend in high school. I should at least call him to say hi. It probably wouldn't hurt." And of course I'm aware of the fact that everyone has shit in their lives. Completely understandable. But I don't see a problem with posting it in a Livejournal. I would only fucking imagine that's what a livejournal is for sometimes. But who am I blaming I wonder? If I'm going to blame anyone, it's going to be myself to the fact that I thought I could maybe-if I prayed really really hard and I ate all my peas-that I would deserve a phone call and hear from friends to let me know that they're still a part of my fucked up and dysfunctional (and very much emotional) life. And which by the way, that wasn't the beginning of a conversation, more so, it wasn't even between you and me-had to break it to you, sorry. And more so, I did call you, but you were in Connecticut after Adam's formal. I called you to see how you were, to see how everything in your life was, but it got kinda interrupted and I didn't want to take you away from the hopefully good and enjoyable time you were having. I felt bad that I called you and probably interrupted you. Ain't that some shit? And I also asked you that night to see if you received your present that I got you, that I ordered through a catalog and freaked out that it wouldn't have been here on time, and much to my chagrin it arrived on time, but I forgot to bring it to work to give to Jasmine to give to you. But as far as you were concerned you were like "Oh as long as it's there in Jasmine's house, it won't go anywhere, I can always pick it up." How long did it sit there for I wonder. Cuz I remember the part that when you get a gift, you let it sit in someone else's house. And I kinda figured because I was working 7 days a week, I'd hit two birds with one stone and bring it to Jasmine to give to you, cuz there's a 99.9% chance you'd see her before me, plus at the time I saw her like maybe once or twice in 2-3 week periods. Plus when you work 7 days a week, taking an hour trip to the end of the lovely island of manhattan for which probably would have ended up being 10-15 minutes, (cuz of unusual tension etc.) and then an hour trip back. And bullshit you cleaned up. Hell ask Eli she helped me. Ask Kay's friend Beth, who fucking sat there all night and didn't even fuckin move-like she was scared or some shit. Oh and I bought you a gift that night too, cuz I just so happened to hate the idea of going somewhere to celebrate someone's birthday, empty-handed. If anything you cleaned the sheets of your parent's bed and yours and mostly straightened up and put the clean glasses and plates back in the cupboard.

Re: Let's take this step by step...fine.

[c_rza]

And yeah I could be happy with my cupcake, but the point I was coming across there, was basically-when you don't have your family to turn to, one can only look towards their friends. That's what I was getting across. That's why for the most part I will love Eddie-That's my brother, that's my boy, he did to me what I did to him back in junior year. He took me in when I had no other choice so I didn't have to feel too alone around the Christmas season. And "Why Do it?" Well, in case you haven't noticed, Erica, I tend to try to give all of myself to a person, and I'll tend to want to go out of my way for that person, because a lot of the time, I feel under appreciated for what I do, so I go looking as to what else I can do to make someone happy. Seeing other people's happiness makes me unusually happy. Cuz it lets me know I did something good. I look worthy enough to be in that person's life and let them know that they can always ask me for something, give me a call if they're feeling down, look towards seeing me the next time we get together. That's why I do it. As much as it can be an inconvenience to me, I'll still do it.

Re: Let's take this step by step...fine.

[c_rza]

God, there are so many things I can use as an example. I give myself to that person cuz I want to be wanted, I straight up need to feel like I'm needed. That's why I'm like that with everyone cuz I don't have little if at all any family that I can turn to. Which is why me and my mom hardly talk, which is why my dad sees me as a way to get out of paying for my child support. Which is why I don't have anyone else but my friends. And when this happens, what do I have? And really my big problem is that I care too much. I give myself too freely and when I'm let down I fucking feel it. And I give my mom half of the rent and bills because I don't want to owe her anything when I die. I don't want her to use anything against me when the time comes and she blames me like she did in high school for wasting all the time she did on me up til then. Still to this day-should an arguement arise-she'll bring up how she wasted 17 years on me to send me to a school and how she struggled to support me. I do it so I don't have to know she has any hold on me. And she doesn't want to kick me out (presently) but you and I know she has in the past, but we've always reconciled and complied that we're both stuck with eachother for now. I don't look to bring shit on myself, Erica, it's only because I get driven to a point and just when I try to pass it off, some other shit happens that makes me put that shit in 3rd gear and go. On to other things, yes, I do realize who I am talking about. Which is why I blatantly apologized beforehand. I don't mean any intention towards her and frankly I like her dad, I really do. Every time I see Jasmine I 9 times out of 10, thank her for the opportunity she's allowed me to have. But just like between us right now, I do things, I do things, I give, and I give some more and you just get fucked. And well, you tend to lash out. You have to understand the work and the hours I've done for him, when close to no one else would bother doing, just so I could prove to him how willing and determined I am to work. There comes a point where you're in a debt of gratitude and where you just straight went overboard and you're getting abused. And all I want from him is that job. I've been there for the better part of a year now. I think I earned it, and for him to just bring in a new guy and say in front of me that he doesn't know what he's going to do with the position, when just short of two weeks ago with Adam and Jasmine present, he said I'm going to have that job for a long while, it tends to fucking feel like you've just been stabbed in the back. Seriously, ask yourself, that if you worked, busted your ass, worked your hands down to the bone when needed, and then you're introduced to your own replacement. Then told to train them as to what to do. How would that honestly make you feel. And maybe the idea for me is that I wouldn't particularly want to go look for another job, when I know I've earned that one. Just as if you were in school and the teacher gives you an A, helping you maintain your A average. Then decides a couple days later that maybe he'd make you do another paper for no reason and then decides to just drop you down to a D-. Think of it in my shoes.

Re: Let's take this step by step...fine.

[c_rza]

Look, I don't look for shit like this to happen and I don't like that it does. Because I don't have many friends, because well everyone went on with their lives and they forget. Yeah, understandable. But honestly I guess I get my ideas across writing them down. I'm sure you've heard of that. Plus, hope your not insinuating that I call you cuz then I'd really have to weigh my options of whether you're gonna pick up or lose my voicemail that never came, of course. If you want to reconcile with me, I'm so tired of calling everyone. That's right me. Between us, I was the last one to call you. God, if you only knew half of the shit I have bottled up inside, Erica...fucking copyright Linkin Park, when I say, "It's like a whirlwind inside of my head, and I can't stop what is hidden within," (sometimes though.) But not for nothing it gets especially hurtful when it's with you and chances are you wouldn't even care why is that. As long as you aren't wrong. It's funny how the same person 2 1/2 years back, that complained to me and Adam on when we didn't know what to get you and Jasmine for Christmas telling us, and I quote, "We shouldn't have to tell you what to get for us, geez you guys are our best friends and we would never have to ask the other one what to get for you cuz we already know, that's what best friends are." Which by the way, I thought was super nice that you guys got Adam something that year and nothing for me. But that's getting of my point. But if you have any thought, value, or concern as far as I know, I'm tired of always calling and getting "Hey you reached Erica and you know how horrible I am at picking up my phone..." I'm tired of that shit.

Re: Let's take this step by step...fine.

[ambermourning]

This is the only thing I can say to this... I rarely pick up my phone, I've admitted to that, everyone knows that and I've thought many times about getting rid of it because it's that rare that I use it. If it's really that important to you...you can out-weigh the good and the bad and decide never to call me again if you so choose. I hardly pick up my phone and even more rarely to I return calls and I practically never call people on my own. If that's what it really comes down to, suck it up and be the one to contact me..or don't and well, just don't. When I was at Purchase, I wanted to kill myself the few times I could drag myself out of bed. Rarely did I see Jasmine, and I only mention Jasmine because you know how close we are, but any of my friends for that matter. People have rough times and if you were complaining about how hard you have it then fine, but you weren't, you were blaming your friends for not being there for you, as if we collectively got together and decided to cut you out of our lives. Things suck sometimes, I know, I live at home, I go to school and I work... I know things aren't always handed out to people. I rarely see Jasmine and we have gone weeks even months without talking to each other but she has never once accused me of not being there for her and vice-versa. I love Ziemba and Eddie with all my heart and we hardly talk and hang out on extremely rare occassions, but we're always right back where we left off. If you feel like EVERYONE is against you and everyone tells you the same thing about yourself...maybe we're all not the ones with the problem. And I don't give a fucking shit who told you what about my house...yes, I cleaned up after a party for someone else was thrown on my birthday. Your doing the dishes, while I do have a perfectly good dishwasher, was greatly appreciated, but my house does not only consist of my kitchen sink, so don't you dare tell me what I did and did not do in my own house. And bad-mouth Jasmine's father all you like, but don't expect that to just slide on by with her or me for that matter, because I know what her father has done for you. And one last thing, I would appreciate if you gave your "Holy-er - than - thou" attitude a rest. You've called me maybe 3 times this whole year, so stop saying you always call me. You were invited to my house for Eddie's party, so stop acting like I haven't seen you in years. You inconvenience yourself at the sake of other's and then complain about being inconvenienced. You come to someone else's house and spend the night in the kitchen cleaning up looking for a nice pat on the back, we can hire people to clean up after us, general rule is, we don't get our friends to do it for us. My bottom line is... people go through shit, you don't have it any worse than Brittany or Jasmine or I, but we suck it up and we deal. If you want to call and leave a message, because yeah, that's probably what will happen, I will do my best to call you back. But if you expect me to apologize for not using my phone as much as you'd like me to, well, that's just not going to happen.

Re: Let's take this step by step...fine.

[c_rza]

Why should i always call you? Just answer that. why cant you drag your fingers along 9 numbers on your fone and just do it. if you see how much shit its causing...answer that it's simple. But fact is you won't and you don't know how much bullshit it causes. more like you don't care. Then let me know that you don't care Erica. Just fucking let me know that you wouldnt DARE to fucking call someone, even if it was the end of the fucking world let me know you wouldnt fucking call me. Cuz it's gonna inconvenience you right?
You're so hopped up on knowing that you're not wrong in the shit that you do that you don't care who you walk on. Cuz im not down right getting at you looking for trouble, maybe it's just a way for me to fucking reach out to you with out doing all the fucking work. It's fucking even more pathetic that THIS the most we've talken all year. And God give me a fucking break that you can go years without caring the least bit in the world what is going on with me? That's more of a concern to question. that you'd make a point saying that it would take years to even show some care as to what I was doing with my life...Fuck that. If you don't want to call me fuck it, I'm sorry i cried over you in the past.