Well...I guess I took a step back now, didn't I?...
Well I guess it's easy to say that in some weird way I've tapped into Pandora's little fun box. But thinking about it, maybe it's for the best. Maybe it's good that I got some of this shit off my chest. Instead of taking it in for the next couple of years to come...maybe it's for the best that I did have the chance to say a lot of shit that I've been meaning to say but I usually get too scared to say it...Cuz sure enough I'm thinking about the other person and how they'll react. A lot of me says that it really was time I said something. But truth hurts, reality bites and people just don't like to hear it...But I didn't mean for a lot of shit to happen. But hopefully everything will work out... ::Sigh: A big part of me feels like it won't...though it's already changed within the span of a couple of hours. Cause and effect is such a bitch. It's so tempting to do something when you know exactly what'll happen and sure enough, it does. But outside that image is a whole world of shit. So basically what I'm getting at was, I knew exactly that this would happen. Yes, I did expect a little less hostility, but more or less I knew it'd happen. But this is the test now of when you ride this wave out. You're either gonna fall into that deep, dark blue water, or you're gonna ride that bitch out till you reach shore. Honestly...right now...this minute...I feel shakey on this board and I feel like I'm gonna fall...Anyone who I've come across knows I don't have bad intentions for anyone, and it just seems that the one instance I say what I feel, it's like I'm thrown in front of a firing squad for "stepping out of line" so to say, or "exceeding my boundaries". But then I wonder, how come I have to play this role always and just stand there and not fend for my life. That's just it. I'm working and doing things for my life. If I want to write shit down in here, I will damn well please. This is a sad pathetic way for me to actually talk to "someone" (whether it is a computer screen) about my problems and just have "them" listen. Not fight back at every little word I say that offends them or makes them defensive. But every now and then I do appreciate the comments I receive but sometimes I feel like I want to just say my peace and not worry about two of my closest friends to drag me out in the street, throws stones and then give me away to be shot to death. I guess in some weird way, I thought I'd get a "Well Chris everything's gonna be a-ok, just keep going and don't let it bring you down, i'll call you later." Or "Chris, we need to go hang out together, smoke a Lv, drink a lil liquor, ya know, extracurricular activities" Something to that effect. I'm being remorseful again and I'm sorry for all thats happened. I feel like an ass, but then again I had to say what I did. Since I usually don't have people who take a big interest in my life I more if anything did it for myself. I needed to do it. It was something that needed to be said. I'm sorry for trying to make myself feel better about myself cuz it cost two people who i love. But I guess for some big part now, that's over...though it was apparent over the course of last year that things were dwindling. I'm sorry for anything guys, and I do expect never to hear from either of you again. If this is the case, I'll have cool memories to look back on and for those, thank you...If not, I'm looking forward to see what'll happen next.