And when the sun rises, all I want is to hear your voice
I've often sat here in this very chair in this very position in this very state of mind
and I think.
and I never let the energy spill out and splatter.
I couldn't tell you what is luring me to livejournal if I tried.
I can only understand that I am aching for a sense of familiar warmth that I don't have here.
Between brick walls and thick cinderblock hallways crusty with absurd gossip and chipped nail polish.
In a word, I am homesick.
However I sit and I sit and I wallow in the knowledge that it is exactly 6:32 in the morning and I have just cooked my second cup of macaronni and cheese within the last hour.
It is comfort food.
I never eat comfort.
I was unaware that I even HAD a comfort food before I moved to this place.
A bird just sympathized with me through my window screen.
And as I wish I could say I was tangled in my blanket of clouds tonight, dreams aloud, I can only admit that I am twisted in this slumber of depth and unknowledgable disappointments, and yelling angrily at my misconceptions.
I am far to analytical for my own good.
I hoped to come to college with a sense of renewel. I have found a loss of self esteem, and a heightened sense of awareness toward the two faced world.
That must count for something right?
I long for substance within a communal exchange, a chemical reaction between two or more norms.
Here, a chemical reaction equals an explosion
every
single
fucking
time.
my mouth is burned.
whether it is from excessive amounts of mugs of green tea, scalding macaronni, or my harsh tongue, I cannot be sure.
tomorrow I will repeat my dreaded cycle.
I will wake
I will go to the gym
I will shower
I will study
I will sleep
And somewhere in between I may make a dull attempt to socialize with these half assed people.
I will have my reoccuring dream of losing
losing all
and losing for good
i will wake with crusty eyes from crying in my sleep for the fourth morning this week alone
and I'll never break
no matter how far I bend.
Because to break is to lose all faith
And for that I am simply not ready.
Even though at times the world lacks its three dimensional deposits and damns itself and all of its inhabitants into eternal bleeding.
Forgive my bluntness
And yes, it is blunt, not irrational.
Sometimes I believe that all is well and all can be well when even the slightest attempt is made to do so.
But then I disprove myself all over again.
And in the end all that I can learn is that you can trust no one, absolutely no one, but yourself.
and I think.
and I never let the energy spill out and splatter.
I couldn't tell you what is luring me to livejournal if I tried.
I can only understand that I am aching for a sense of familiar warmth that I don't have here.
Between brick walls and thick cinderblock hallways crusty with absurd gossip and chipped nail polish.
In a word, I am homesick.
However I sit and I sit and I wallow in the knowledge that it is exactly 6:32 in the morning and I have just cooked my second cup of macaronni and cheese within the last hour.
It is comfort food.
I never eat comfort.
I was unaware that I even HAD a comfort food before I moved to this place.
A bird just sympathized with me through my window screen.
And as I wish I could say I was tangled in my blanket of clouds tonight, dreams aloud, I can only admit that I am twisted in this slumber of depth and unknowledgable disappointments, and yelling angrily at my misconceptions.
I am far to analytical for my own good.
I hoped to come to college with a sense of renewel. I have found a loss of self esteem, and a heightened sense of awareness toward the two faced world.
That must count for something right?
I long for substance within a communal exchange, a chemical reaction between two or more norms.
Here, a chemical reaction equals an explosion
every
single
fucking
time.
my mouth is burned.
whether it is from excessive amounts of mugs of green tea, scalding macaronni, or my harsh tongue, I cannot be sure.
tomorrow I will repeat my dreaded cycle.
I will wake
I will go to the gym
I will shower
I will study
I will sleep
And somewhere in between I may make a dull attempt to socialize with these half assed people.
I will have my reoccuring dream of losing
losing all
and losing for good
i will wake with crusty eyes from crying in my sleep for the fourth morning this week alone
and I'll never break
no matter how far I bend.
Because to break is to lose all faith
And for that I am simply not ready.
Even though at times the world lacks its three dimensional deposits and damns itself and all of its inhabitants into eternal bleeding.
Forgive my bluntness
And yes, it is blunt, not irrational.
Sometimes I believe that all is well and all can be well when even the slightest attempt is made to do so.
But then I disprove myself all over again.
And in the end all that I can learn is that you can trust no one, absolutely no one, but yourself.