#9 Caught in the Undertow
Alcoholism is big with law enforcement. Do you drink? A lot? Are you an alcoholic? Why? What parts of the job are connected to it? Or is it all personal? Talk about it!
[locked down tighter than the White House on 9/11]
The longer I belong to this community, the subjects become more and more sensitive and I find that I have less and less to say about them. That's fine. After this, I'm half expecting the next question to be 'Has your job ever tortured you?' or 'Suicide is also popular among cops, discuss this!' at which point, I'll stop responding altogether.
March 26th was the last drink I had, but that doesn't mean much. And it won't mean anything until I can get past that three month point. That's a hurdle I've not been able to clear. Of course, none of those milestones will be of much value to me if I haven't met them on my own. What does it say about me if any gains I make are done with a pharmaceutical crutch? It's a method of operant conditioning, designed to make me sick and requires me to carry a card in my wallet saying I'm taking it. Why don't I stop taking the drug? Because that won't help either. As much as I hate it, I know I still need that crutch. Until Skoda, who's looking at my problems objectively, says I can go off it, I won't. I've never been much for following rules and listening to authority, but I don't want to go back to how I was a month ago.
Why do I do it? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome. If I keep drinking, my problems will go away. It's become a compulsion. I internalize everything and because I'm so scarred by my past, I keep everything to myself. Anything I say with the false idea of being able to trust someone will only come back to burn me, so it's better left unsaid. I do it because I'd rather find my answers at the bottom of a bottle than by talking with someone I care about. It's safer that way.
It's only loosely connected to my job. Because I'm driven to get justice for everyone I come across, I took on something bigger than I could handle. I refuse to talk about anything that happened, and as I already established, I internalize everything and this was no exception. I withdrew so far into myself, I'm only just now starting to find my way out again. Drinking is always personal, whether it's because of your job or not. I started drinking again after my mother died, which came on the heels of back to back cases that were extremely difficult. It all builds up and I refused to give it an outlet, unless that outlet was 80 proof. For the sake of the prompt, I'm not taking into consideration that genetics plays a part.
My struggle with alcohol is not something I discuss with anyone. It is not easy to talk about. It is not a topic than can simply be called upon to discuss. That's part of the pathology-- the alcoholic is ashamed.
"But these simple acts of denial, lying about his drinking or refusing to discuss it, are clues that the alcoholic himself deep down inside knows that he has a problem. If it's not a problem, why lie about it to anyone? To protect them?
But the true alcoholic, the person that has the disease, covers up and denies his drinking out of his own feelings that there is something different or "wrong" about it. Somewhere inside he realizes that his drinking means more to him that he is willing to admit."
[locked down tighter than the White House on 9/11]
The longer I belong to this community, the subjects become more and more sensitive and I find that I have less and less to say about them. That's fine. After this, I'm half expecting the next question to be 'Has your job ever tortured you?' or 'Suicide is also popular among cops, discuss this!' at which point, I'll stop responding altogether.
March 26th was the last drink I had, but that doesn't mean much. And it won't mean anything until I can get past that three month point. That's a hurdle I've not been able to clear. Of course, none of those milestones will be of much value to me if I haven't met them on my own. What does it say about me if any gains I make are done with a pharmaceutical crutch? It's a method of operant conditioning, designed to make me sick and requires me to carry a card in my wallet saying I'm taking it. Why don't I stop taking the drug? Because that won't help either. As much as I hate it, I know I still need that crutch. Until Skoda, who's looking at my problems objectively, says I can go off it, I won't. I've never been much for following rules and listening to authority, but I don't want to go back to how I was a month ago.
Why do I do it? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome. If I keep drinking, my problems will go away. It's become a compulsion. I internalize everything and because I'm so scarred by my past, I keep everything to myself. Anything I say with the false idea of being able to trust someone will only come back to burn me, so it's better left unsaid. I do it because I'd rather find my answers at the bottom of a bottle than by talking with someone I care about. It's safer that way.
It's only loosely connected to my job. Because I'm driven to get justice for everyone I come across, I took on something bigger than I could handle. I refuse to talk about anything that happened, and as I already established, I internalize everything and this was no exception. I withdrew so far into myself, I'm only just now starting to find my way out again. Drinking is always personal, whether it's because of your job or not. I started drinking again after my mother died, which came on the heels of back to back cases that were extremely difficult. It all builds up and I refused to give it an outlet, unless that outlet was 80 proof. For the sake of the prompt, I'm not taking into consideration that genetics plays a part.
My struggle with alcohol is not something I discuss with anyone. It is not easy to talk about. It is not a topic than can simply be called upon to discuss. That's part of the pathology-- the alcoholic is ashamed.
"But these simple acts of denial, lying about his drinking or refusing to discuss it, are clues that the alcoholic himself deep down inside knows that he has a problem. If it's not a problem, why lie about it to anyone? To protect them?
But the true alcoholic, the person that has the disease, covers up and denies his drinking out of his own feelings that there is something different or "wrong" about it. Somewhere inside he realizes that his drinking means more to him that he is willing to admit."