Sometimes... I don't know
Like it says. I don't know why I lack it, but it seems like I lack the jean to say how I feel about things. I lack the jean that lets me look at a person, knowing they want what I want, and to just push them up against a wall and demand the things I want.
I dont know why I am lacking it either. When I was 16 I could do anything, I would go out with my boyfriend and we'd have sex in the park, sex in the alley, sex against a tree in someones front yard, and for some reason now, at the age of 21 I lack the jean that lets me roll over while in bed with someone and just make love or kiss them.
I constantly distance myself and I guess it's because I figure if I don't jump out there then I can't get hurt. If I don't fall in love with someone, or initiate sex with someone I can't get hurt. I dunno how all the thing in my life have ended. When I was 16 i was young and stupid and yet even when I was 18 I couldn't manage to keep the relationship that mattered the most to me and I regret that. The only thing I can be happy about is that I'm faithful and loyal to the people I love and yet in the end for some reason I get hurt.
I'm thinking about deleting this journal, I'm not sure yet. I rarely pst anymore, I'm tired of taking pictures of myself all the time id rather take pictures of someone else or have someone else take pictures of me cause it's just too much of a hastle to take pictures of yourself without a tripod.
What odd is that I can close my eyes and daydream about it all. I can sit there and bed, and close my eyes and picture someone next to me, I see myself rolling over and pulling myself close to someone, sliding my hand across their chest and kissing them softly, feeling perfect in an imperfect world.
Breath.. just breath, I tell myself sometimes, but it doesn't work. Someday.. someday I'll do it... someday.. it'll happen, I hope.
~Rum
I dont know why I am lacking it either. When I was 16 I could do anything, I would go out with my boyfriend and we'd have sex in the park, sex in the alley, sex against a tree in someones front yard, and for some reason now, at the age of 21 I lack the jean that lets me roll over while in bed with someone and just make love or kiss them.
I constantly distance myself and I guess it's because I figure if I don't jump out there then I can't get hurt. If I don't fall in love with someone, or initiate sex with someone I can't get hurt. I dunno how all the thing in my life have ended. When I was 16 i was young and stupid and yet even when I was 18 I couldn't manage to keep the relationship that mattered the most to me and I regret that. The only thing I can be happy about is that I'm faithful and loyal to the people I love and yet in the end for some reason I get hurt.
I'm thinking about deleting this journal, I'm not sure yet. I rarely pst anymore, I'm tired of taking pictures of myself all the time id rather take pictures of someone else or have someone else take pictures of me cause it's just too much of a hastle to take pictures of yourself without a tripod.
What odd is that I can close my eyes and daydream about it all. I can sit there and bed, and close my eyes and picture someone next to me, I see myself rolling over and pulling myself close to someone, sliding my hand across their chest and kissing them softly, feeling perfect in an imperfect world.
Breath.. just breath, I tell myself sometimes, but it doesn't work. Someday.. someday I'll do it... someday.. it'll happen, I hope.
~Rum