Recently recieved a nudge to update my journal
So I suppose I will.
I'm getting ready to graduate high school soon. This is probably the most terrifying thing I have ever been through, ever. Ever. I've been on this "accountant" road for the past year or so, and am currently going through a crisis of "Holy shit, I don't want to sit at a desk and write reports and shit for the rest of my life."
I don't really want to major in accounting. I mean, the money would be nice, and the job security would be really nice, plus I am apparently a natural (if you can tell such things from rudimentary high school courses), but still. I will be fucking bored. Forever.
Plus, there's the whole "moving away and going to college" thing, which is also terrifying, because I have never lived on my own before, or had to pay my own bills, etc. I've never had a proper job. I don't even have a driver's license, for fuck's sake. FUCK I AM SO BEHIND ON MAJOR DEVELOPMENTAL MILESTONES. My parents have always seemed to be content to let me just wander aimlessly, with no regard for how I'll end up in the future. My mom fucking sucks as a mother. She hasn't bothered to teach me any of the important things, like how to apply for jobs, or get a checking account, or anything that people in real life need to do. Apparently she thinks people know this shit naturally, and feels that the proper response when I ask for help is to give some vague answer that she feels should cover everything, and then become condescending when her answer doesn't actually help at all. "It's not hard, just do it" is not a proper response when somebody doesn't know what to do in the fucking first place.
Anyways, I'm done bitching about the existential crisis that is my transition from high school to college.
Other updates:
I'm "in love" (as much as one can be when one is still in high school). I've been with Eddo for 6 months, as of yesterday. It seems pretty serious. I mean, I hate to be naive, but this really does seem like forever, maybe. I mean, I'm nearly certain he's actually in love with me. He's proven that plenty. So if we ever break up, it'll probably be me doing the leaving. I know high school relationships that last are one in a million, if that, but... I dunno. I guess I am pretty naive. I wonder what me-from-ten-years-from-now will think upon re-reading this entry (assuming it still exists in ten years, of course).
In other, more inner-personal news, I'm pretty certain I have some sort of mental disease, at the very least a sort of neurological hypochondria. I've gotten to the point that I don't even trust my own senses anymore. I remember vividly the other day finding strawberry ice cream in the freezer and, not believing my own eyes that it was, in fact, strawberry ice cream, I took it into the living room to ask my mother if it was what I thought it was. We were talking about strawberry ice cream at the time, and she didn't think we had any, so when I came in asking "This is strawberry ice cream, right?", she just thought I was joking.
Another example: On the walk between my house and my best friend's house, there is a gate that is sometimes locked, sometimes not. When I'm walking home at night, I always get the distinct worry that, despite what I seem to believe, the gate was not actually unlocked. I simply hallucinated that it was unlocked, and am continuing to hallucinate the rest of the walk home. In reality, I am attempting to walk through a locked fence.
My memory is also complete shit. I can learn like crazy, don't get me wrong. I absorb book knowledge like a fucking sponge. But if I get up to go do something, chances are I will have forgotten what it was I was going to do within two seconds of turning around. If you ask me "Could you make sure and do this for me?" I will forget what it was you asked me to do within minutes. It's more than that, though. I forget shit so often that sometimes I wonder if I've got wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy early-onset Alzheimer's. I'm serious, too.
I'm terrified that I'm going to go batshit insane before I even reach 30, or even worse, that I'll end up like Walter's mom and have three kids and a husband first, THEN go batshit insane.
Right now, though, I am fucking tired, so I think I'll go to sleep.
Hope the update was update-y enough.
I'm getting ready to graduate high school soon. This is probably the most terrifying thing I have ever been through, ever. Ever. I've been on this "accountant" road for the past year or so, and am currently going through a crisis of "Holy shit, I don't want to sit at a desk and write reports and shit for the rest of my life."
I don't really want to major in accounting. I mean, the money would be nice, and the job security would be really nice, plus I am apparently a natural (if you can tell such things from rudimentary high school courses), but still. I will be fucking bored. Forever.
Plus, there's the whole "moving away and going to college" thing, which is also terrifying, because I have never lived on my own before, or had to pay my own bills, etc. I've never had a proper job. I don't even have a driver's license, for fuck's sake. FUCK I AM SO BEHIND ON MAJOR DEVELOPMENTAL MILESTONES. My parents have always seemed to be content to let me just wander aimlessly, with no regard for how I'll end up in the future. My mom fucking sucks as a mother. She hasn't bothered to teach me any of the important things, like how to apply for jobs, or get a checking account, or anything that people in real life need to do. Apparently she thinks people know this shit naturally, and feels that the proper response when I ask for help is to give some vague answer that she feels should cover everything, and then become condescending when her answer doesn't actually help at all. "It's not hard, just do it" is not a proper response when somebody doesn't know what to do in the fucking first place.
Anyways, I'm done bitching about the existential crisis that is my transition from high school to college.
Other updates:
I'm "in love" (as much as one can be when one is still in high school). I've been with Eddo for 6 months, as of yesterday. It seems pretty serious. I mean, I hate to be naive, but this really does seem like forever, maybe. I mean, I'm nearly certain he's actually in love with me. He's proven that plenty. So if we ever break up, it'll probably be me doing the leaving. I know high school relationships that last are one in a million, if that, but... I dunno. I guess I am pretty naive. I wonder what me-from-ten-years-from-now will think upon re-reading this entry (assuming it still exists in ten years, of course).
In other, more inner-personal news, I'm pretty certain I have some sort of mental disease, at the very least a sort of neurological hypochondria. I've gotten to the point that I don't even trust my own senses anymore. I remember vividly the other day finding strawberry ice cream in the freezer and, not believing my own eyes that it was, in fact, strawberry ice cream, I took it into the living room to ask my mother if it was what I thought it was. We were talking about strawberry ice cream at the time, and she didn't think we had any, so when I came in asking "This is strawberry ice cream, right?", she just thought I was joking.
Another example: On the walk between my house and my best friend's house, there is a gate that is sometimes locked, sometimes not. When I'm walking home at night, I always get the distinct worry that, despite what I seem to believe, the gate was not actually unlocked. I simply hallucinated that it was unlocked, and am continuing to hallucinate the rest of the walk home. In reality, I am attempting to walk through a locked fence.
My memory is also complete shit. I can learn like crazy, don't get me wrong. I absorb book knowledge like a fucking sponge. But if I get up to go do something, chances are I will have forgotten what it was I was going to do within two seconds of turning around. If you ask me "Could you make sure and do this for me?" I will forget what it was you asked me to do within minutes. It's more than that, though. I forget shit so often that sometimes I wonder if I've got wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy early-onset Alzheimer's. I'm serious, too.
I'm terrified that I'm going to go batshit insane before I even reach 30, or even worse, that I'll end up like Walter's mom and have three kids and a husband first, THEN go batshit insane.
Right now, though, I am fucking tired, so I think I'll go to sleep.
Hope the update was update-y enough.