(no subject)
Today, I was told that Ewan had died.
What do you say to that? I could take my pick of the things you're supposed to say; things you're supposed to feel. But what do I really feel? I've never been that well connected to my emotional side - topic for another day there, perhaps - so I have to stop and try to work it out: how am I really reacting?
I feel saddened. Brutally aware of my own mortality, and all the things that I have never done and probably never will. Deep down, angry at the world (no change there, then). And beyond that... numb. Guilty that I don't feel more? I suppose it's a bit much, when I'm quite willing to be called a cold bastard, to expect to be sobbing into my Lucozade! Yet for some reason, I do. I guess I still need time to make myself believe it.
This can't be a proper eulogy for Ewan. God knows he deserves one, but I never took the time to get to know him outside of conventions, and anime fandom. “Warm”, though, is a word that springs to mind. He worked harder to make things happen than almost anyone else I know, and to greater effect. “Meticulous” is another word that might fit. Some might say “fussy”, but I think that would be an injustice. Ewan generally knew which things to get worked up over and which things you can let slide - unlike most people, who just think they do.
As Treasurer of Aya and Minami Ewan was directly responsible for holding together the foundations on which everything and everyone else came to depend. Financial Director would be a much better title, to be honest. He controlled the budgets; held the purse strings; made sure the things that needed paying, got paid. More than that, he lent a steadying hand of reason to proceedings on more than one occasion: Ewan's very presence and unspoken competence were immensely calming. Not that he never got rattled himself - far from it. But caught between screaming idiots (anime fandom has always had enough rejects to stock a seconds shop), and young enthusiasts on the committee trying to take things in new directions, you would have been hard pressed to find even one more person with the personal dignity, authority and implicit trustworthiness needed to safeguard other people's money. I don't know who first said it, but on more than one occasion committee members have been moved to say: “If Ewan dies on us, we're screwed.” Oh yes.
Not only is there now a great, Treasurer-shaped hole in two convention committees. There is a massive empty space where once stood someone we could rely on completely. I wonder how many people will ever appreciate what a difference Ewan made? I doubt I understand the full extent myself, so what hope is there that the people who only knew him as that large, older bloke with the cash boxes will appreciate the contribution that his prudent financial management made to their fun? “Modest” is another word often applied in these situations, and yet in this case is nothing but the truth.
I will miss Ewan. That's the simple truth. If I can't claim the honour of having been his close friend, he was never anything less than a good one.
What do you say to that? I could take my pick of the things you're supposed to say; things you're supposed to feel. But what do I really feel? I've never been that well connected to my emotional side - topic for another day there, perhaps - so I have to stop and try to work it out: how am I really reacting?
I feel saddened. Brutally aware of my own mortality, and all the things that I have never done and probably never will. Deep down, angry at the world (no change there, then). And beyond that... numb. Guilty that I don't feel more? I suppose it's a bit much, when I'm quite willing to be called a cold bastard, to expect to be sobbing into my Lucozade! Yet for some reason, I do. I guess I still need time to make myself believe it.
This can't be a proper eulogy for Ewan. God knows he deserves one, but I never took the time to get to know him outside of conventions, and anime fandom. “Warm”, though, is a word that springs to mind. He worked harder to make things happen than almost anyone else I know, and to greater effect. “Meticulous” is another word that might fit. Some might say “fussy”, but I think that would be an injustice. Ewan generally knew which things to get worked up over and which things you can let slide - unlike most people, who just think they do.
As Treasurer of Aya and Minami Ewan was directly responsible for holding together the foundations on which everything and everyone else came to depend. Financial Director would be a much better title, to be honest. He controlled the budgets; held the purse strings; made sure the things that needed paying, got paid. More than that, he lent a steadying hand of reason to proceedings on more than one occasion: Ewan's very presence and unspoken competence were immensely calming. Not that he never got rattled himself - far from it. But caught between screaming idiots (anime fandom has always had enough rejects to stock a seconds shop), and young enthusiasts on the committee trying to take things in new directions, you would have been hard pressed to find even one more person with the personal dignity, authority and implicit trustworthiness needed to safeguard other people's money. I don't know who first said it, but on more than one occasion committee members have been moved to say: “If Ewan dies on us, we're screwed.” Oh yes.
Not only is there now a great, Treasurer-shaped hole in two convention committees. There is a massive empty space where once stood someone we could rely on completely. I wonder how many people will ever appreciate what a difference Ewan made? I doubt I understand the full extent myself, so what hope is there that the people who only knew him as that large, older bloke with the cash boxes will appreciate the contribution that his prudent financial management made to their fun? “Modest” is another word often applied in these situations, and yet in this case is nothing but the truth.
I will miss Ewan. That's the simple truth. If I can't claim the honour of having been his close friend, he was never anything less than a good one.