Don't mind me, I'm having an emo moment
Last night I had the biggest emotional breakdown I've had in a while. I was going through old pictures and it got me thinking. I wonder what my life would have been like if my parents didn't get divorced. Would I still be on pompon? Would I have ever met my lifesavers Andrea and Jessi? Would I have rebelled and turned into a bad kid like I did? Would I have that close mother-daughter relationship like I dream of? Would my dad treat me like shit and not think of me as his real daughter as he does? I just can't help but think of how my life would be right now. I'd imagine it would be a total 180 from this hellhole I'm in right now. I've come to realize that I put up a happy facade whenever I'm around people but in reality I'm miserable. I don't want people to go through what I am so I don't let them know about it, nor do I want them to. I'm tired of living this way. I'm tired of being called demeaning names by dad and not standing up for myself. I hold it all in and when too much of it builds up I explode. That's exactly what my mom did and when she finally let it all out it resulted in divorce. It also resulted in her being a much happier person for what she did. I want to do that so I can be happy for once but I'm afraid that I will lose someone I care about if I do that(to people in general, not just my dad). I'm also afraid of my dad. What will he say, what will he do to me if I tell him how I feel. I'm afraid of his aggression and that he might hurt me, even though he has said he never would. Little does he know how much he has hurt me emotionally. He has weakend me to the point where I'm too tired to fight back and I just accept it. I need to get out. I can't take this anymore. I wish I could just pack up and leave today but I know that if I did I would have no where to go so I guess I'm stuck for now.
Sorry for the emo moment but I had to let it out somehow and I find that writing it down helps to sort things out. If you don't like it well then you didn't have to keep reading it.